Overcoming...

Finally went to ica on thursday to renew my passport ...

Suppose to have got it done in oct/nov cos it is expiring in a few months, and since i shd be attending kyc special day in jan, i will need it. But i kept finding reasons to procrastinate...

the last time i went there was about 2 year ago...fetching mum to make her passport...i was quite proud then to drive her there. That was the trip with B2 where she came back with terrible skin peeling from the sharpness of sea breeze...and that torment lasted a few months...actually we were all angry with B2.... from then, the deterioration began, and possibly the relapse in cancer...after 8 years.

Ya, everything came back.... I knew subconciously, that was the reason for the procrastination. As ica is very efficient, i came out within 15 min, so it wasnt too bad. i like the saying, a man got to do what a man got to do. ok, i am not a man, but well...it means what it means...i just got to face it.

Next overcoming would be vivo city... i had been there 3 times, twice with mum, once to celebrate zg's birthday 2 years ago when bil was not around...there was no compulsion to go there anyway... except someone may be inviting us for dinner in mid dec there... maybe the venue may change... whatever... got to face it.

there is a planned day trip to msia a week down the road, which i had been fairly enthu abt... but again at the back of my mind, mum surfaced. She loved such trips... but i didnt... i needed to work, and spare time is for giving tuition to bring in the extra needed... usually it was B2 that brought her, and i didnt like to be with B2's family...

I was quite surprised myself that i was prepared to go. Not that i didnt think of changing my mind, but i had committed others, and i knew this is the time to overcome...i was more comfortable lately and could talk about mum in conversations.

Thats good.
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I avoid talking with people over the phases I had been through in this bereavement. Well-meaning people can say things that hurt, especially when the words are so glib. Firstly they had not been through it; Secondly, different people take things differently; Thirdly, there is a past that contributed to the present.

What is important is one mustnt indulge, whilst giving sufficient time to heal...like tch said to me yesterday, the important thing is dont force yourself.
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I addressed tch as big brother. His mum was a single mother with 5 children; And my mum then was a single mother with 3 children, but much younger than her. They struggled through before mum met dad. tch always remembered my mum's kindness to him, and his family. In turn, he was kind to me. He is now in his early 60s.

I in turn reciprocated and without fail visit his mum whom i call 'ah kor' often, and she is very fond of me. But I felt very hurt that she did not see or ask after mum in her ailing state though tch and his brothers did come. I had not seen her for nearly 2 years now. She reminded me too much of mum.

She is also frail, and tch is very indulgent in looking after her. Too indulgent. I told him I was not prepared to visit her. He understood. I appreciated that alot. Especially when he told me she rarely had visitors. Not even her own children. All too busy. Even those not working.

Becos tch is the executor of mum's will, we had been in touch the past weeks. Yesterday, we finalised one admin round.

I thought thru and finally said to him yesterday, i will visit her these few weeks. I was surprised he looked happy, and said, she will be very happy to see you.

I asked him, she asked for me? He said, yes, but he told her I was very busy.

Two months ago, when i asked him the same question, he said, she doesnt remember much, and only remembers when she sees the person. i realised he didnt want me to feel bad. But he said again, only when you are ready. Dont force yourself.

Apart from sk, tch is probably the one that cared most for me. He was better than my own brothers. Mum knew too. That was why she made him the executor. Not her sons. And not me, to spare me implications. I will visit ah kor soon... dont want to regret.
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In this present, fast paced, glossy-surfaced, fun-focused generation, how would they understand the real issues of life faced one or two generations back? By pre-occupying themselves with activities to 'kill boredom', time to think and reflect is often lost. And often they dont even bother to listen at all. Much less to the older generation.

I am a very good listener. From a child, I listened for things said; for things unsaid. The pastime then was rediffusion, a form of media like radio. I follow through chinese pugilistic stories in hokkien by a one-man story teller 'Wang Dao' for over a decade. In listening, I figured out the plots and relationships and looked forward to every serial. No visuals. Just listen.

A skill I observe, very very few have.
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Many underestimate the tremendous importance of a whole family unit, a stable family... and often take for granted the love and care which stability of life allows parents to give. Stability provided by a safe country that is thriving well. Dont be so quick to criticise the government. Nit-picking is easy, especially when thats all you are doing. Nothing else.

The love and care you receive in your family is a result of a stable country. Value what you have.
And fears need to be faced...like pain. When the time comes, one must take the step forward to overcome. No one can do that for you. That I do understand.