无语

志坚，展望

无倚 ，寂行

隐心， 抑忧



深思 ， 感叹

默望 ，无语

心声 ，呼应


飘浮，无踪

And a little kindness goes a long way....

very unexpectedly, i receive a nice message from kyc encouraging me in my new embarkment. its especially sweet because it came during a low period for me.....

the cough which led to chest infection lasted two weeks... i guess i should have got earlier treatment but was hoping i would have enough resistance. finally got through via tcm, and really, it was a 'neater' way. I threw off the cough without any remnant cough. And without bronchitis and antibiotics for such a chesty cough, that was good. But it was very depressive to get so ill. And the whole of last week, practically, it was a migraine week with a couple of bad bouts. Disappointed that things got downhill so quickly.... but i guess it will take time to throw it off altogether. And doing so without western painkillers.

when one's frame is fragile, things are often seen in a darker light. and it doesnt help that often, i see things far ahead...with upheavals that is part and parcel of life......but i guess i have learn to do what is possible, that one cannot take steps all the time to ensure things for others, especially when strength is no longer what it used to be....

through the clouds, trickles of warmth make alot of differnce....

like the sweet message from kyc, a message i will keep for a very long time....

like the continual support from ttk, who has been more watchful over my earthly frame than myself, whose perceptiveness and kindess led to the much progress that i had made....

like the thoughtfulness of a good physician, who not only administer effective treatment, but went the extra mile to point me to ways to help myself improve my constitution, to be positive about oneself and was instrumental to my taking steps to pick up swimming and tcm...

like the consistency of bond with kt, this mentor-mentee bond, almost like a mother-son bond by now, over 8 years, that is now a real comfort to me....

like the little touching gestures from kuech and cl to remind me that these old classmates are still there if i need them....

and i think of the many kids......many of whom have a special spot in my heart, each time i see them, hear from them, it makes me feel that i could do some little thing for them.....and that means alot to me...

yes, all these things, all these kindnesses, however small, go a long way to make me feel warm and comforted.

one can be alone, and not be lonely. true. i am blessed indeed.... 

thoughts (II) - Learning and Reflecting

I am not sure whether learning and reflecting is a good heading for what I have in mind to write, but since these are the thoughts that i had whilst in the role of a learner, for want of a better heading, this will do for now .

Today, I attended the first lesson of a course I am likely to enrol. At the moment, what the course is, is not the crux.

It is different being a learner at every phase of one's life. Comparing this with the lessons for my masters course, one would say the pedagogy is entirely different. I sometimes wonder which is the issue, pedagogy or frame of learner's mind.

The main difference between an adult learner and a 'child' (qualify as those who have to study in pre-tertiary institutes) is the ' voluntary' part, i.e. a course chosen of one's choice that is not a prescribed route and one's voluntary intent to pursue it. Of course, even for adults, it can still be a 'no choice' situation for some. In the case of my present course, I think, it does not fall into such a category.

In a 3 hour lesson (exclusive of a 15 minutes break in between), the lecturer took nearly an hour to establish the case of why the module is required as a foundation for the course and the frame of mind of the learner towards learning andthis was emphasized  throughout the lesson. Toward the end, someone asked whether some technical parts of the lesson would be tested.

I like her answer, an answer, I really feel all teachers should give their students when students ask that question. Her answer, You should not be focused on the testing part. You should be concern whether you understand the lesson, and can apply the concepts. She asked, what is knowledge? In this age of 'knowledge' explosion, it is everywhere. With the internet, and instant surfing, one can find 'knowledge' easily. Including rubbish. The question is, is knowledge in you? Why are you learning? Are you learning if you have no questions to ask of what you have learnt?

She illustrated it with 学问, the chinese version of knowlege. It is made up of 2 words, learning and asking. Asking is a part of acquiring knowledge. And that she emphasized come from humility. The more one knows, the more one wants to learn, the more one knows there is so much to learn, the more one knows how little one knows.

In my days in school, i have to say, I was never sure what my teacher is testing, and never liked to ask that question. If i understood the lessons, i could do it. If I didnt listen, and couldnt understand, I couldnt do it. I never expected teachers to re-explain. If i needed help, I approached them. If I was too lazy, I paid the price for it. Grades reflected learning attitude. Not necessarily ability. And I accepted that. No one owes me a living. That has always been clear to me.

These days, the way some students 'ask question' , one wonders if it is to learn, or to try to prove something else? That, they the students are better? The attitude of asking determines if knowledge in the true sense of the word is acquired.

In the present school system, teachers are blamed for everything. If students dont listen, it is the teachers fault. The teachers are boring.  Students can compare teachers and point to the 'better' ones, and teachers have to 'improve'. That I always thought is ironic. When teachers compare, and point to the 'better' ones, the teachers are 'uncaring'. Why? It isnt that I think the teaching profession is made up of the best of people. Honestly, i dont. But students dont realise they are far more responsible for learning than teachers.

True, as a teacher, i have always gone the extra mile. But that is not because i think that is my duty as a teacher. Its because I feel for the less able learner, as there were times I had been one like them. I did so, because of humanity. Not because a teacher is oblige to do so. Students take teachers extra mile as their due often.

Teacher's role is to impart, to teach. Learner's role is to learn. If learner fails to learn, he/she should take responsibility. It may be lack of ability. It may be an attitude. As long as learners feel it is the fault of the another, the person is likely to be one who is always blaming others when things dont go his/her way.

That said, it is still the duty of teachers to set the tone, and the right attitude for the learners as this lady did.

But I digress.

This lady is firm in her views and illustrated them well. To me, what made her good, is her evident well of knowledge that she has assimilated, which has taken root and has depth. This, is to me, the duty of a teacher. You must know your subject matter well, feel for it, and impart it. That makes the difference. Not innovative pedagogy. That can carry for a couple of lessons. Ultimately, a discerning student will be able to distinguish.

There be many of us who can say we have seated through one person delivery for hours, and feel we gain so much from the monologue. Just by listening as the well of knowledge flows....and reflecting and weighing within.

Another position she firmly established is the need to study from historical roots. The need to understand culturally and historically to understand the philosophical roots that lead to the foundation of the subject matter. She pointed out that in the present 'chase' of knowledge, the pursuit if always for the new, for the latest, the quickest, to be at the forefront. Often one does so without the foundation of the subject matter.

Indeed she said, to bring an end to a particular society, military weapons need not be used. If one ensure a generation of the society does not learn the language, culture and history of their own civilisation, that society is likely to be wiped out. And she actually drew an illustration of how the Jews despite being occupied by invaders kept their identity because they preserved their language, their culture, their teachings. I think of many christians these days who hardly know their Scriptures, apart from a few verses, and who does not read the old testament because they dont understand, and do not see the need as an example of how they know not their roots nor its importance and relevance.

And with it, it struck me about the 'role of education'. Students think they think independently, and they criticised freely. But they dont realise that in not being taught historical and cultural roots (not the carved out bits purported to be roots, but roots to the beginning of each culture and civilisation) , that  without that depth, learning, is rather two dimensional. They have effectively been highly deprived, reducing learning to tests and achievement, input and output, not unlike factory production.  This has been something that has always been on my conscience. I wonder how much of it has been politically construed, with or without deliberate intent.  I view with concern the preoccupation of youth with their 'lives', their achievements, their goals.... and wonder if they ask, what is it to be a person. What is humanity?

This module is one out of 5 modules for the first semester of a five year course that would lead to a professional qualification, if one clears all the hurdles. The drop out rate, I heard is high. This is only an introductory module. The object is to set the mind to be ready for cultivation of reading and learning for the building of the person.

Whatever anyone thinks, I personally thought it very good that without apology, she laid out her ground. And the key to learning is humility, a mind that considers and not assumes one knows.

I think of the equivalent of this course, the coveted realm in the mainstream with approach totally from the west; the learners, specially selected, the creme de la creme of each crop of students: Would they start on such an emphatic note, of the cultivation of humbleness of mind in their course? They should. But i dont know if they do.

I wasnt well, being down with a chest infection (again!), but i left the lesson enriched. Without talking to any one. I didnt know what to expect when I attended it. But I know this was not what I expected. That was why I felt I should capture it whilst fresh. And this does not include the interesting factual knowledge of the module.

==========================================

I am not fully commit to enrol into the course, though, it is an area of knowledge that I am keen to understand. The reasons for my hesitation to commit are many.

 The course is entirely in chinese, and so, it should be. The above are all translated from the chinese version of the lessons. The level of the language needed is obviously far from the superficial level, since understanding of cultural and historical background are needed, both of which I lack. Thankfully, I have always been a lover of the chinese language, so though it is not an environment that I am comfortable with (I have to say, I am not comfortable either with very western environment), it is a challenge that I am still willing to consider. But ability may not be able to match up....

Then, it is five years....for my age...the addition of 5 years is really quite an age.

And presently, the incomplete dissertation.....for duty sake, i should complete it.....

Its an entirely different realm, and though i agree with the need to know the roots of the knowledge, it is not that I agree with everything. The fear of God, is the beginning of knowledge and I abide by that.

And seriously, it is going to be very tough. Apart from linguistic ability, high cognitive ability is definitely required.

For those my friends, who wonder what course this is, i think, those who had been in communication, would have known, and guessed.

Yes, it is Traditional Chinese Medicine. And thius module is Ancient Medical Literature....literally literature...starting from the formation and meaning of chinese characters....

As to why this course, that would be another post.

Well, the days ahead, would tell whether i see it to its end. My only intent at the moment, is to learn, and to reflect. Whether I go through the testing, whether i clear if i do go through it is immaterial. In that, the lady has set the context well.

Its a journey of learning, and that is all it means to me at the moment,

too little thought vs too much thought...

thinking too much is not being thoughtful. thinking little is not necessarily thoughtless.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

today i brought S1 for her mris at ttsh. S1 is now almost mid 60. I have a very soft spot for her, and have undertaken to see to her major needs. In that sense lp is 'relieved' of it, and most feel i shouldnt do so. But of all the next generation, actually lp had it the hardest. And serving in the kitchens of restaurants/hotels is very hard work. But that was the best that she could make out for herself of all the opportunities that i have given her.

Its hard to describe S1. Actually no one really talks to her apart from me. There was a period one of them did, but i guess, it was because of some other reason. Not for the care of her. In my guaging, S1 is most likely low in intellect ability, and it didnt help that she lost hearing in one ear when young. There had been indication that it could have been caused by being slapped. Quite probable actually.

Her intellect limitations may have been seen as a handicap, but sometimes, i marvel at her. She dutifully comes to sk's place every monday for our 'family' dinner, even though there are very little exchange of words among us. Things have come back to what it was before....i.e. what the actual state of relations were that had been when mum was around. I am still the only one that have contact with each of them almost weekly, but not between them.

She practically lives alone, as lp is hardly in. Yet she does not complain about it. She has some 'friends' from community centre, and goes out on her own to walk around. She is ok that I dont take her out and never expect me to. I just dislike shopping around for the sake of it, and that made me distant from the women in the family.

I drive her back every week from sk's place, and fetched her for all her major medical, like today. She doesnt complain too much about her medical ailments, partly cos she doesnt seem to understand that much, and hence worry less? Her blood pressure had been high and permanently on medication, which in turn led to kidney weakness, functioning at 40% or so. She was also very short-sighted, and one eye is practically not seeing. But she carries on with her few words, and does not seem perturbed. If she gets referral letters to hospitals, she just summon me with them, always expecting me to be free. And i obliged without fail. When I was working, I took leave. She is important to me. It is hard to explain she is my sister, since we are related only by mum, and our names do not show it.

Actually, i am not quite certain why she has to do the mri. Even the consultant cant say why, except to play safe since she was referred by polyclinic and symptoms are all non-speciific. I went through my mris this year in March, and I was very unrestful over the whole episode. I questioned every part, and really, didnt want to go through it. To me, all these technology which men calls advances do not impress me, and really I am not for them at all. I only agreed finally to have them done, because at that point, I did worry about being a liability if the spinal issues should cause me to lose mobility in the long run. That is a responsibility that I cant neglect. And there were also other implications.  I know, because of my being on my own, I need to plan, not merely not to be a burden in the event of being out of action, also to take care of things I want to take care of. Thankfully things had taken a turn for the better.

S1 doesnt think that much. She just obeys instructions to procedures. I dont even know if lp knows she is going through this. As long as I am handling for her, S1 just leave it to me. She doesnt need comforting or assuring. She just need to know I will fetch her and be punctual.  I did ask her after the mri was done whether she was scared. She said yes, a little because it was very noisy. I noticed that when the medical personnel (who I must say I was impressed with her kindness), led her in, she readily held on to her arm. I thought just like a child. In that sense, I am so unlike her. My distrustfulness led me to appear distant, unfriendly, and sometimes even aggressive. I am only at ease with the kids....i realise i find it hard to trust adults, except for those who had shown me kindness over a period of time. I only realised this recently.

Sometimes, its a blessing not to think too much. I wondered if it was because S1 knew she had me to take care of things, and that allowed her not to think as well since all she need to do is to pass to me. If I have someone that I can do the same, would I be like her? I know I wont. I will worry if I am a burden, whether the person has too much on his/her plate, how I can try to relieve the person etc etc. I would over-prepare, and prepare for the worse.

One could say S1 is not thoughtful. In a way, yes, that has always been her weak point. But I dont think it is deliberate. Her lack of cognitive ability make it difficult for her to consider that others may have difficulties. So, she may be seen as 'demanding' in her expectations. But I personally feel her expectations are low, and easy to accommodate, and she is really easy to look after. I dont bother to explain to the rest why I am doing all these for her.

The results will be out next week. Her unquestioning frame makes things alot easier. All I need to do is to arrange timing to meet. Her being what she is also gives me a restful peace of mind. Take things as it comes. Dont worry ahead.

Before she alighted at her place, she said, thank you. It is not her practice to say that. It does make one thinks that she takes things for granted. Whether she does or not, doesnt matter to me. So her thanking me was really a surprise. I guess, it must be more of an ordeal than the other medical appointments, and i guess, she appreciated being taken care of .

Thinking little is sometimes a blessing. I should learn, and am learning, not to think too much. Truly, sufficient for the day is the evil thereof.