9-11 Jan 2018 ~ 10 Jan

MM confirmed arrangement to look for otters last night. I had thought to go early to see if I can catch sunrise. Perhaps all these excitements in addition to all that had happened on 9 Jan led to a very restless night, which is not good for me. Also having mentioned that I was planning towards UK trip, the permutations of arrangements kept going round my mind. So altogether unhelpful.

Got up as scheduled on 545 and caught the train at 625. It was a nice fruitful morning (posted pics on fb) and MM was a soothing company. The girl is obviously in the process of finding herself amidst not being a typical Singaporean stereotype. Nice kid. A good way to whittle the morning though before 10am, I felt tired. Have been feeling short of breath these days. Still, I would have done my scheduled 3km walk, definitely more than 4km actually.

Dozed off a good part of the day after getting back till past 2. Then the usual way time is allowed to drip away. After tuition (usually quiet these days with 2-3 kids), I probably made the mistake of watching hk drama and that took a good slice of 2-3 hours. I didn't feel well, actually quite unwell. The burning mouth syndrome was at one of its worse, sucking ice relieve only for as long as the ice was there. Should be running a low grade fever and throat discomfort.

All these irregular spouts of discomfort that come on with short spates of relief made me wary. Its all so easy to say plan ahead. But in planning how many people will be affected if it does not materialise. I really worry esp over zh family. As far as I recall, going together has always been their suggestion. I want to do it also for their sake especially helping them through immigration. Also UK being totally EL speaking. I also realise in my recent travellings, most of them have been with them.

I have been counting the weeks also. From the confirmation of recurrence to this weekend, its 18 weeks. I am planning for what is 20 weeks ahead. Although its true to say that I had made steady progress upwards and those who had seen me in Oct and now remarked I looked better (Zh pointed out 这是不对的 since I should be getting worse, not better based on trend). I remembered somewhere in end Dec, perhaps, 23 or 27 Dec, he had said he felt that there is 好转 and then he had mentioned about planning to book for June. Otherwise i wont go. I wasn't sure if he was saying that to encourage me. I did not know what to reply then. Yesterday, he did say if one wants to view death, no one can say when that will come. If you look at accidents, the people who collapsed from heart attack and brain haemorrhage, and he was thankful of their coming unscathed from the floods on Monday....all these i am well aware of. In fact, whenever I read any unhappy/tragic news, I feel very much for those who suffered loss and know I am very very very blessed indeed.

But it does not change the fact that I am facing what I am facing now. In many ways it is not related to my illness. For this has been the issue since the start of the blog. Direction. In fact, I have come a long way and am genuinely more settled, and more happy, and definitely moving positively forward. Actually being down with illness had made me so much more responsible with food, rest and exercise. And more conscious of time. So yes, its really time lost watching those videos not to say the impact that followed. So despite the good morning with otters, it did not turn out to be as good a day as it could. Perhaps being alone is a contributing factor. But the issue is me. Just as I see those who could be happy with what they have, being unhappy for the pain in their being - the issue is actually themselves. For those that I love, walking with them from afar, I can only hope and pray they find themselves. You can only say this much. To apprehend, one has to come into the inward understanding through their own seeking.

The morning adventure sinks into insignificance with the night's much discomfort. My burning mouth syndrome should be one caused by secondary cause i.e hypothyroid. It seems this has never been associated cancer except as a side effect of chemo. So, its ironic. Actually it has been so since end 2016 and part of 2017. The discomforts and uncomfortableness are not seemingly related to the terminal illness. I dont know how to make out of it. Perhaps it serves as a constant reminder of the time bomb within?