7- 8 Jan 2018

A better day today than the past few days, at least the flu like symptoms seem to be kept abay and chest did not have that tight feeling, though not the burning syndrome. Kept up walk and exercise at the exercise station, spent more than an hour today. Grateful for the equipments provided. It is definitely better than just trying to do stationary biking indoors. Being out in the open has a way of freeing the mind and spirit especially when one look up and see the wide expanse of the heavens.

Was a little disturbed yesterday after PCC. I think I would need to write for the three of us our position. I hope it would not need to lead to us having to sojourn to find a place to attend for worship. I have procrastinated, and still am....but it must be done. 

Had a good finance lesson from Kuech. Alot I do not know in finance market. Want to find out as much so that I can help...Tuition yesterday was fine, and so was the session with T1 and T2. Glad its so, especially for the two young boys. It is not always so and cannot know what to expect. But I suppose being older helps. 

Did not get much done. A couple of errands that were intended were not completed. My excuse is the heavy rain and then Kuech's call and the timing of the boys. I am not using time efficiently. Thats not too good. On the whole, placidity rules. There are things that I observe and pondered. i will still do what I want to...that has always been the way I live my life. I never look for gratitude or reciprocation. Because I know what it is to 付出 and how much thought is needed to consider, I never take for granted any small gesture of kindness. And when there is disappointment, the fault is always mine. Look beyond. Some things will never change. People who care will care. Some care on the way. Thats ok, thats how everyone is. 

Today I thought if I can be at peace with myself within, there is no need to think of going away. I also do not want to live my life as if I need to grasp for the time to travel because the 'end' could be near. I should live my life the way it has always been. Seeing prof tmr. I no longer feel anything. For the past 17 months, every such meet is a time of anxiety and reaction thereafter. I feel past it. What else can he say? The trend he has said. I have not done any further tests so there is no 'results' to predict further doom. They are never interested in how one is anyway. Its always the results of tests that is the focus. So, really tmr is a non-meeting. I am going really out of courtesy for the email exchanges and to more or less state my choice? Whatever. 

Today, I feel accustomed to my own company, which I do like. I rather embrace aloneness than putting up a front. Except for that burning syndrome, actually I dont feel I am sick. I guess thats why its so hard to accept that mortality approaches. One almost think it cannot be, it cannot really be so. When I look at my cats, I tell myself I will keep up the discipline, and will fight on. In any case I have cleared the first week of 2018.