Imprints in the heart

when i was a young teacher, looking at the kids in the class, i often picture what the kids would be like in their adult life, as a working person, as a mother (i taught all girls for 15 years)......I remember 2 poems by DH Lawrence of a classroom scene, the contrasting frames of the teacher observing a class....i can identify with that. I vague remembered reading peyton place, and remembered the teacher having somewhat similar thoughts. so, i guess i may not be the only one, though possibly in the minority.

 i was particularly harsh with students who were strong in capability. for some reason, i worry more for them than for the less able. I was afraid if they didnt eradicate their less desirable traits, they would have hard falls like me, and i also know the more 'able', actually, the deeper the disappointment and deeper the pain, sometimes.

Sympathy is always with those who has less. Those who have 'more' as perceived, is always expected to be the giver. I have to admit that i had that expectation too.....but now no longer.

I guess, maybe i was too harsh. Experience teaches that reception is more positive and enduring if the words of good intent is conveyed when there is a readiness and open-ness, and that is often far more effective than in a admontion.


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now with the tide of time, my contact is much less with the young, and the young is often relative to me. I realised, in relating to adults, i have a habit of tracing their childhood and growth either through their conversations and observations. I would conjure pictures of them as kids in school, either beeing a good student, or one with mischief.... and how they would be if they were my kids in school....

and i realise, my sympathy remains with those who are talented, and somehow, their 'success' is miniscule in comparison, especially in terms of material gain. Particularly true if one believes in adhering to one's belief that may not be seen as 'profitable' or in the general flow, and when one does not resort to 'marketing' one's 'goodness'. These are those who see through the facade of 'showmanship' and cant bring themselves to be part of the hyped up scenario of self-congratulation which mass media love to highlight. success begets success follows this trend.

The price of being able to uphold one's belief is usually high, but the value of one's belief is priceless. The problem however is the realities of survival, if you have a family, with young kids. The cost of living in Spore is really exhorbitant....and really hard for those who are not 'poor', seen as 'professional', but not conforming to the ways of a material society.

Honestly it is much much harder for those who think, and feel.....and have a strong sense of responsibility. I wont comment on the pay structure. I would just say it goes along the line of those who 'fits' into the way 'society wants them'. what one can endure for oneself, is however, not the same, when one has the need to take care of family as well, and wants to do it well. I walked through that phase, i know. When I have responsibility, i place them first, and just endure. Almost a lifetime. But i know for those whose age is also not kind to them, to have to continue the battle when energy is waning, it is really tough.

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yes, kids and adults, they leave imprints in my heart. i guess as i have outworked for my own life, each really has to do so for their own life. The balm of kindness and understanding, the touch of humanity, i know, will always provide some warmth and solace in the sometimes cruel tides of life, and that is the most I can do. And yes, often the anguish is:  Alot of things , however 'wrong' it appears, are not within any of our control. And sometimes, these things can unleash storms in one's pathway.

I feel for each. yes, very much. And very deeply. I know what it is to feel that anguish that often one knows no one understands. For myself, because i have sought for the Lord in my youth, and that path has been fraught with pain and tribulation, much of it, my own fault, in the depth of darkness,  i knew the things can be seen are temporal, things that are not seen are eternal. I know i am a pilgrim and a sojourner in this world, and i seek for a better country, whose builder and maker is God. For those who think this is being 'weak', then I am glad to be weak, that I might find strength in the Lord.

Belief in God is not 'religion'. Religion is often another realm of showmanship, organised showmanship in some cases. I refrain from further words here.

As i feel for the pain and afflictions of those I do have inward care for, shown or unshown, usually unshown ( there are some who didnt even realise that i had perceived that much of them and share their pain), I can only wish and pray, that they would see beyond this present realm, and somehow seek for God. I realise truly, faith is a precious gift of God. I would wish, these really beautiful people to me, in their tumults, would have the humility to seek for this faith to believe. Humility. It is needed.

Because these leave such deep imprints in my heart, people whose depth of discourse and company I have really value especially over this past few years, and feel for them in the phases of their lives, kids and adults, I really really wish so for them.

ideals, aspirations vs solitude

Ideal

1. /aɪˈdiəl, aɪˈdil/ Show Spelled a conception of something in its perfection.

2. a standard of perfection or excellence.

3. a person or thing conceived as embodying such a conception or conforming to such a standard, and taken as a model for imitation

4. an ultimate object or aim of endeavor, especially one of high or noble character: He refuses to compromise any of his ideals. 

5. something that exists only in the imagination.

 

aspiration

 

1. strong desire, longing, or aim; ambition: intellectual aspirations. 

2. a goal or objective desired:

 

solitude

 

1. the state of being or living alone; seclusion: to enjoy one's solitude.

2. remoteness from habitations, as of a place; absence of human activity: the solitude of the mountains. 

3. a lonely, unfrequented place: a solitude in the mountains.

 

i always thought ideals and aspirations belong to the young. if i can still find in within myself, its not because 'i am young at heart', a euphemism i heard often with good intent, but in actual fact, it accentuates age to have to make the difference.

 

when those with ideals and aspirations seek solitude, is it because of ideal/reality dichotomy, or is it a lack of moral courage and strength of character to uphold them in the face of obstacles and systems that pose as shackles?

 

for me, my physical frame does not support me well....i feel sorely the fraility....realistically, i have exhaust far beyond my capacity for a period far too long..... it is easy to say leave the past behind....sometimes one has to pay for it with the present......

 

nevertheless, compared to what had been, especially the contrast 10 years back, 20 years back, 30 years back, this phase is truly a haven, and i am grateful, very grateful

 

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in the depth of my heart, i wish to have one more go for my ideals, and aspire to a higher ground, believing that it would leave behind some meaningfulness to some.... whilst tme endures......it would seem i had ended my own dream by the route i had chosen 2 years back. yet, i did need to make that choice....at least i think there was a need...without which, i wouldnt have reached this present phase of peaceability.

 

in my dream, i would wish to give my last ounce of strength in the course i love, and impart to others my love. at least it would have made this solitary path worthwhile.

 

but, there is no clear path ahead. neither dare i try too hard to find a way....i have alot of thoughts, alot of dreams... i know not what is best for me. the frequency of migraine these past weeks have been debilitating....and i also know without encouragement and support, i have poor finishing power. i dont want to start something i cant complete. 

 

 i do have other choice. i can envisage myself choosing a quiet solitude amongst just a few. may not be a bad option, just quietly conserving energy to a quiet end. if so, its best that i should walk away from education and seek a sanguine and passive frame. i do relish quietude, and simplicity.  i suppose it is good i do have choices

 

the strength of age and experience is: though there is a tussle, a feeling of unresolved-ness, there isnt the tempest, the turmoil and turbulence of uncertainty and conflicts, nor the intensity of injustice, of anger towards non-ideal, nor the pining poignancy of the yearning for the illusionary beauty and virtue, for the unrequitedness of what one has given so wholeheartedly.

 

more important than to find which path is ahead, is to hold the hands of the young, support their dreams, see them gradually taking flight, and be there in each of their pauses....

 

o levels is here....i will mis the 3 kids that have been with me. and i always miss the kids that have left their prints in my heart.....

 

truly one never knows what a day will bring.

 

The mercies of the Lord endureth forever.

 

 

sad...天冷就回來

天冷就回來

作詞：梁文福
作曲：梁文福

從前對著收音機　學唱舊的歌
我問媽媽為什麼　傷心像快樂
媽媽笑著　說她也不懂得　我想出去走一走　喔　媽媽點點頭
天冷你就回來　別在風中徘徊　喔　媽媽眼裡有明白　還有一絲無奈
天冷我想回家　童年已經不在　昨天的雨點灑下來　那滋味叫做愛
唔　別在風中徘徊　唔　天冷就回來

漸漸對著收音機　學唱新的歌
我問朋友為什麼　作夢也快樂
朋友笑說　她從不相信夢　我想出去走一走　哦　朋友點點頭
天冷你就回來　別在風中徘徊　朋友的眼裡有明白　還有一份期待
天冷我想回家　年少已經不在　今天的雨點灑下來　那滋味就是愛

現在對著收音機　聽自己唱的歌
我的他問為什麼　幸福不快樂
我微笑著　說我也不懂得　他想出去走一走　我對他點點頭
天冷你就回來　別在風中徘徊　我猜我眼裡有明白　還有一絲無奈
天冷他沒回家　我仍然在等待　明天的雨點灑下來　那滋味就是愛
唔　別在風中徘徊　唔　天冷就回來

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HT56eiCq1og

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there is something very poignant about the lyrics of this song...a feeling i identify with, when i was young, that was what i always say when in turmoil...我想出去走一走

at this age, yes, this is what i feel within my heart, to the young whom i care for....

天冷你就回來　別在風中徘徊　我猜我眼裡有明白　還有一絲無奈
天冷他沒回家　我仍然在等待　明天的雨點灑下來　那滋味就是愛

sometimes in understanding, you cant do anything...they have to walk through the storm themselves, and actually it is more painful to see, than to be the one in the storm....

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feeling sad...actually very sad.....a few communications the lsst few days have made me acutely aware of the frailities of human nature, even in the best of persons...the depths that one can stumble and fall.....and in part, i can see a reflection of myself....

in the past, vices can be clearly identified, and black and white seemed so much more distinct. I say 'seemed'. But in the present, there seemed to be infinte shades of grey......and sometimes, it is like stepping into 'quicksand', that gradually suck you in. The oxymoron is intended.

as an 'observer', one can analyse and make judgement, assuming observer is impartial. but if one is a 'close' observer, then it is painful...others may say, dont just observe, do something about it....but that may not always be possible, especially if others may not see the ground as quicksand, but rather as a innocuous indulgence.

when is something a pastime, an indulgence, an addiction?

when are differences mere tiffs, disagreemnts, fallouts?

continuum that leads to disconinuity....

there are at least two situations, and in both, i hesitate, though, there has been oblique request for some intervention...

perception does not equate wisdom. understanding alone has no power....i know that  only too well.....

i cannot say if my hesitation is due to lack of wisdom, or the feeling sense of one's own inward ineptness, or frailities. i can only say, there is a deep sense of sadness. i must find strength, first inward strength to ease one's own wound within first, to hold up without.......and then, yes, if i can, i would really wish to be there to tide through the rough waves with them....

my consolation, as always, is in the Lord, my Redeemer, whose grace is always sufficient for me.

back here again...

i dont know if it is a good thing that i am back here typing away....

just two days ago, i felt as if i have placed a 20 storey ladder to the place of destination, and beginning a long climb, rung by rung up very slowly, but at least there is a climb upwards...

then....almost like a snake and ladder game, i have slid again...

partly, the headaches are beginning to be back...it seems it happens everytime i am on this...even studying for tcm exam is easier and far more enjoyable....and with it, other issues that wears one out.

partly, somehow, although i think this time, i did get the 'structure' the way it should be, i still feel inhibited to write. The feeling that i dont know enough...i just dont want to just quote here and there and patch it up like a quilt piece, looking somewhat intelligent, but just a form, with a little substance here and there.

but time is really not on my side.

frankly, i am enlightened by what i read. i now understand many seeming contradictions and complexities and realise that some are really inevitable. i am also kinder to seeming fuddly decisions and weak indicator of direction. In all things, it is really important to look at history. Whilst one is a member of that era, one is often critical of the faults of the existent. When one has the benefit of hindsight, when one can look at it through times, and reflect on the growth and decline, and understand that decline is really necessary for the propulsion of further growth, one is possibly abit more able to reconcile the differences in ideology and practice.

that said, i still need to fulfil the needs of the study in the stipulated form. i need to get my act together and make the readings into a coherent flow. i really need to have a handle to start....all i have at the moment is brownee getting on my lap again.

it is easy to sidetrack at the moment and there has been issues here and there to side track me....i really wish i can spend more time with people....especially when i still feel somehow the indiscernible ebbing....

alot of will power to stay focus is necessary. i really want to finish this. i really have some other things to complete writing as well. but i must prove to myself that i can really complete the writing of this study first. actually when i first embark on this route, i was fully aware of my weaknesses, and knew that it would be a very slippery path, especially with no outward structure, which had been what that had kept me on. But i somehow hope, i will overcome.

i hope i will....i will be back again here....this is the place of my solace, in that here, at least words flow....there is really alot, alot i want to write.....and here is where i feel i am understood, and where i can encourage myself....i cant find anyone that can understand this turmoil, almost anguish....

but i do know, i have many lovely friends that do care for me....had a message from rc, another one who sincerely address me 'dajie'...and making arrangement to meet up to see vl together with dc this weekend. This is another lovely group of people, in a way, we were bound by math, but more....the regular meetings at intervals is always something that i look forward to, the genuineness, the warmth, the ease because of trust and mutual respect.....this year, i really did not take initiatve to keep in touch, so the arrangement is really welcome, and a good detractor from this present non progress...

let the next time when i am back here, be a happier moment marking some trickle, however slow....if thre be a trickle, it would lead to a flow....

in the maze....

writing this with brownee on my lap, she has been more attached to me lately, and is more often with me when i am at this place again, ploughing through the maze....

some days ago, it seemed there is some organisation of sorts that somehow can give me a start, and i did write one paragraph...

i cant proceed.... i just cant do so based on a structured manner of getting it done. I am not a person that is meticulous, and that has both its strength and weakness. Whilst one usually lauds the trait of meticulousness, i have also seen how this asset can be a liability. Now is not the time to elaborate on this. The point is, i am not meticulous, but i am thorough.

There is a big difference. From young, when i can, i will track down something i want to find out through available sources, usually the library. I remember checking out history 'facts' stated in textbooks with encyclopaedia in the National Library when i was a sec 1 or 2 student. I will compare teachers's notes over the years, and ask them why the inconsistency. Remember it was a time where internet totally does not exist, and any 'resources' are only available in newspapers or library. In subsequent years, i lost heart as things got hard at home. And at uni, really, i wasted my time there.

But as far as possible, when i write an essay, i check up my facts. Seriously, plagiarising, copying, asking from friends never even occur to me. That to me, encroaches on independence of thought. I value independence...and for that I paid a very heavy price throughout my life.....

In reading, one considers, analyses and from there, distil essence, and continue the search for greater depth....But i am not sure this trait is now not my stumbling block. I am now depending somewhat on intuition as well. Tried to write, but intuition blocks the way. Taking a different bent may require alot more unearthing, and really time is not on my side. L keep telling me, just write, it will come out alright.

Sigh, i just feel i have walked into another maze having just shut out one route. The next 5 days is critical for me to make significant progress.....i hope this is the maze that will lead me into words....

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In other news (borrowing this cliche from an oft seen source) , vl just messaged me that he is now a father of two, 3 hours after the delivery of angeline. i am very glad for him, though i must say, i am a little worried of the things he would need to see to in the days ahead.

vl is not just a friend, not just a ex-colleague. He and sy were the first group of colleagues that i worked closely with, and subsequently the next sem, ld and ckh. And all 4 remained special to me and they kept in touch despite each moving in different directions.

To me, vl is my younger brother. Somewhere in the first year, he started addressing me as 'da jie', not just as a 称呼. He means it and he never veered from it. Thats vl. His words are not many, but he means what he says, and feels. And over the years, this bond is strengthened and even more when angeline came over. That i was glad. So, we became a 'family', with ld.  In a few of my downsittings, though he feels he could not help, he was there as a younger brother would, just standing by. There was a time, when he would walk me out to take a cab every evening when my car was knocked out in an accident, just to give me moral support. i will never forget those times.

vl places his loved ones above himself, his duties above himself, his students above himself. He is too kind to see negatively of anyone, to a fault. He is responsibility personified, a very very lovely person. A true lover of math and knowledge, whose humility is exemplary.

i dont get to see him so often now that i am no longer in school. We meet up a few times a year, and each meet is always warm and lovely, with genuine care and interest in the lives of the other. This is one of those case, like tch, a bond is a bond.

Just a message, but it brings alot of warmth, and alot of thoughts....i hope the family of 4 would be very happy and blessed.

A bond is a bond

tch rang. he rarely ever call....and definitely not since mum's matters were settled. i thought for one moment, that something happened to ah kor.

But no, and that i was thankful. He rang to ask if i was ok, and whether everyone else was ok. I cant say I wasnt touch. Yes, i am touch. Very. It was a short call. I am not good talking on the phone. Not that we have much to talk about. He asked if I was back to work. I told him i was just giving tuition. I also told him I am doing a tcm course. When he heard that, he was so glad....to him, i am finally doing something that will help myself especially in my health. The gladness and relief in his voice was so evident....he says he is so glad that i can leave the past behind....things were and are not easy for him, and i rarely ever hear him say he is glad....whether i truly have left the past behind or not is not the issue. That moment, i felt his genuine care for me, just as he did from my childhood.

as time past, there are lesser and lesser of those older in generation left who truly care for me. Honestly, i cant think of anyone else. Maybe sst. When i was in school up to uni, he was the only one that i could turn to when things were really messy at home. Not that i did that often. A handful of times.

In his way, because he saw the hardness of times that i grew up, he always had a soft spot for me. He was really the brother to me, and was always forbearing many times. I will never be able to repay his kindness to me.Over the past twenty years, our communication is probably once or twice a year, if at all. Yet somehow, without words, what is genuine care remains unchange.

A bond is a bond.

And I appreciate it. Deeply.

the words must flow....

just a quick update for my own record really....

no, i hadnt progress in writing...that is not to say, there is no progressing in thought processes....its slow though....next week, i should have a clear period of 5 days or so.....the words must flow by then....

it was helpful to meet up with L 2 days ago; with each conversation, there is more clarity in my mind that may/may not be related to what was discusssed....it just clears things from my mind, in my mind. Its always interesting to talk with L who has a lively mind, and can take ambiguity. I guess most important of all, she has always allowed me the scope to explore and try boundaries. That said, i think the reason why i took on to her is the 'teacher' in her that values every student and encourages every student, and this permeates in her relationship with her dealings with others, always wanting to bring the best out of them. However old, however certain one may be of where one stands, it is still good to feel valued. So yes, most meetings with her is enjoyable.

The push for closer deadlines isnt though....

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Brought brownee to the vet finally today. Have been trying to resolve most of her issues by adjusting food and really had gone quite well, but she has developed some skin issue and her frequent scratching and discomfort has caused disturb nites to her, and to me. But bringing her to the vet is really an ordeal to me. She is distressed and showed it throughout the journey. Almost always that will spark off a migraine, which it did, given my present state, that is to be expected. dr nathan is really an excellent vet. i like her the first time i saw her, her feel for animals and their owners is so intuitive. She seems to understand how much the pussies mean to me, and how much i can take in attending to them in medication etc, and always make decisions that is most comfortable for me.

I was so thankful that it appears to be a case of allergy and nothing worse than that. Brownee got 2 jabs, and the rest we would have to wait for the allergy test results. There were 2 other cats that have far more serious ailments..... i guess, that day would come some day for T n B...now that they cross ten....but i shall not think about it. In many ways, i value the times with the pussies even more....poor brownee is really knocked out by the jabs.... i hope she gets better soon.

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headaches and other issues here and there dont make me feel good, the disturbed nights didnt help... i tire so easily...to easily....i realise it especially when i attend course, its not just age, its my stamina....zh tells me its ok, better to be so and we learn to take care, than to seem ok, when things may not be. I must say, he has a way of seeing things positively, and that is good.

 i fully intend to take care, to hold out, to keep as well as possible, to conserve energy.....must get the writing down. That is the priority after the pussies. Everything else has to take the back seat, although given my nature, the back seaters still have alot of attention. People will always be more important to me. I want that to be so always.

i hope when i next write, i would have make more than thought progress.... i really must....the words must flow.....there is really alot that i want to write....the words must flow....