31 july

Havent been writing, not because there isnt any thing to write about. The constraint is the scarcity of time.

Having more or less cleared major 'debts' in work, am using this time to recapture as many thoughts as possible from the last week. Actually alot of events took place, some rather interesting....now, its where to start....
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yj's wedding

I am really not incline to attend wedding functions, and usually decline. Over the last three years, I had attended more than I ever did in twenty years! I think 5, and thats alot for me. First was M, my 2000 student. I went because she said it would mean alot to her. And she only invited two teachers. I was glad to see her happy. Then for sst and pl sake, to share their joy for their daughters.  It was my way of showing my appreciation for their friendship. kyc was the only exception where i had no hesitation, and it was for her, and for her alone.

So when dj rang a few weeks ago to invite me to attend yj, his sister's wedding, I hesitated. He was doing it on behalf of his family. I taught all 4 of them, plus another 2 cousins. yj was the third I taught as a tutee, the other 2 were in school. I finally went, because I did want to see dj, dw, and j, the last 3, whom I was closer to as I taught them from 13 to the end of their jc days. Their age range from 21 to 25.

And I was glad i went. I wished I had captured the thoughts of the evening that day itself. It was good seeing them, sharing about their lives. What I did not expect was, they also genuinely wished to see me. dj was not easy to handle, he and dw were both ri boys. Their family also welcomed  me warmly, and his mum said she was glad she finally got to see the ms c she always hear about. I didnt know that, it mattered to them, because i was apparently one of the few that dj would listen to. I disputed that, but dj himself said, its true.

Actually, seeing them reminded me of that phase of dark tunnel....especially at that time, i was not teaching, and was reclusive. So these were my little 'windows' to the outside world then and the little joy in that almost absolute bleakness. They didnt know of course. So, our lives crossed. Not many keep in touch regularly. But dj did in his funny way. He is now in uni in melbourne.

It was a lovely evening, and j was very sweet. She has always been a sweet girl, and a top notch ballet dancer. I can only say it was so gratifying seeing the young lady before me. And she text the next day, to ask to drop by to have a longer chat before she leave for Swtizerland, to start the next uni sem. Yes, my kids are all over the world.
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i taught yl in school, and she invited her class mates for the wedding. So unexpectedly, there was a group of poise ladies coming to greet me. They are 32 now. And it had been so long, since i left the school...so it was really nice to see them, 5 out of 6 married, with kids. 

Our recollection of school days however appeared different! hmmmmmm...teacher and students differing perspective? :)

Whatever. Those 2 years when i taught them 1995-1996 were not good years for me....then, my soul was in prison....

In 1995, I had a massive outbreak of acne, that my face was really quite hideous looking with the swellings, and that for months. I dont know how i went through those times. I  remembered telling myself that I have to carry on, and whatever I looked, I must push on. I never uttered a word to anyone of that inward anguish. I was stared at on the road, on buses; people whom i did not know would exclaimed loudly at public places and offered remedies...most of the time, i just shuttled between house and school. Note, i use the word house....which was rv. I remembered mum forcing me to go out with her, and saw for herself the looks i got. I knew both she and dad felt very bad for me. But they didnt know what the real issue was.

I knew, the outbreak was the effect of the turbulence i was trapped then, that seemed interminable...... so i appreciate the kids in the school in those years, who were polite to me, and never made me feel i was an outcast, though i felt like one leprous then....the scarring is still marked on my face, but i dont mind it....actually physical scarring is nothing compared to scars of the soul....

So whilst chatting with them of what is outward, inwardly the mind traced the path in those days.....those interminable 18 years.

And  there is a quiet  flow of joy, that i have walked out of that. And that truly, the Lord's mercies and goodness have preserved me. It reminded me also of the loss of 2 very dear friends...... But, I must walk on.

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Of Culture and ties

 It was the first buffet style dinner I had attend, and yes, the food is very good. Well, u expect it from Shang. I didnt get to eat as much because, well, I am not very good at getting food for myself, always was awkward in buffets, and because there were so many that dropped by for a chat. I had dreaded sitting alone, having to make small talk.with unknown company, but that didnt happen at all.

yj of course was a very happy bride. Petite and sweet natured, she was always inclined to art. The groom is a Scotland chinese, which made that evening particularly interesting. Yes, he and his friends wore the scottish kilts. He has a good sense of humour and is quite gaga over yj.

They flew over a couple of Scottish crooners, and yes they really sang well. The most interesting part was the ballroom dancing. First of all, the bride and groom waltzed, and then subsequently, guests were invited to take part in the scottish communicty dancing. It was quite fun to watch couples of all ages learning the scottish dancing and enjoying themselves.

It reminded me of folk-dancing in my school days. I liked them. Actually very much. We were taught to bow and curtsey, though usually, i took on the role of a boy, so I bow. During rainy days, and there was no PE, we would have folk-dancing. Community dancing was a social activity that helped to bond the communicty in olden times. There is a kind of bonding, that is so different from present day kind of fast, quick communication.

Then there was the lady who sat next to me at the table. When she saw me, she said, ij girl. And I said, yes, i am! yj went to chij, unlike yl. So there is that bond for having the same alma mater. The lady turned out to be my junior, which of course i didnt remember. In fact, i was amazed she could say that, since it must be more than 30 years. Well, it seemed I was one of those that had left some impact on juniors, though to me,  i was a nobody at school (and still a nobody.)

We quickly found many names that we both knew, and shared common traits, and common likes including folk dancing.  We love our motto, Simple in Virtue, Stedfast in Duty. A motto I hope I exemplify.

Actually, the culture of a school, a community is important in a child's life. That sense of communal responsibility is stronger and there is more caring\spirit. I have noted adults who came from schools with strong culture (thats different from herd identity), generally had more team spirit, and are more civic concious, and less officious. Its really different. School culture forms a part of upbringing. Some cultivate it through reading and in ccas with more community life, at uni, and even in the army. Those who remained 'culture-less' and focused only on their own 'rise' /existence/' significance', well.....they missed out of warmth and communality..... not something that one can described.....but it is priceless.

So, it was a memorable evening in many sense....and nice, because i had not expected it at all.....

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Miscellaneous

There are still alot more to record, like the interesting dinner with seah and tsl, both whom i knew at my 4th school. tsl is commendable for keeping in touch over the last 5 years, especially because he is a young chap, who can have more vibrant company. He will be a vp in august, and though, he is relatively young, i think he deserves it, and has shown consistency over the past years.

It was a good conversation, as we had missed one year of catching up, tsl being in hk. All centred on school and education.

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Work wise, it is a roller coaster....my anxiety will serve no purpose. On my part, i can only do my best in the preparation, but it is hard to build a strong base over so many years of neglect.....lets see....

The single good new for myself is, I finally submitted the necessary to hopefully start the research project. L has been very patient and supportive, and saw me 3 times over last week, to push me on.... I hope the inertia has been broken, and I will slowly pick up momentum.... It is always good to talk with L. There is so much to talk about, so many readings that we enjoy, so many viewpoints that we share...

Then there is the assignment which is very interesting....if i get the interviews i requested. Will write more about that another time....

This Masters course has been a very good learning journey......

So, although it had been hectic, July did come to a close well.

Lets see what august will bring...... i have already about 5 appointments to meet....and with people whose company is pleasant.....

and lets see how things fall out for the kids as exams closed in...over the next 2-3 months, this is going to be the crux...and i dont want, really dont want to fall into the rut of whipping for results....how to strike that balance is the key.....and this is going to be my preoccupation....teaching is my vocation.... i must keep the values and objectives right in my mind's eye....

Thus ends 31 July 2012....

Discrete good

"The key to wisdom in these circumstances is to make the distinction between discrete good and systemic good. When you are in the grip of a big, complex mess, you have the power to do discrete good but probably not systemic good."

The fallacy of Plannng
Dr Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow.

I remembered being struck by these words when I first read it in an article, and have since adopt it among my favourite quotations.

I remembered another one that someone quoted an old chinese saying many years ago, that It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

And in that, whatever the complex mess, one can do what one can within the circumference of one's situation. How big the circumference is not the issue.

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Over these past 4 weeks (i didnt quite realise its only 4 weeks), I have set 4 tests, 2 graded exercise, one exam, vetted 8 test/exam papers, marked a total of 13 sets of tests/graded exercise, each set 39 kids.

Do i mind? Actually no. I was the one that set the tempo and schedule for everyone. The issue is not how many tests/graded exercise. My students didnt complain, especially if the tests were reasonable, to help consolidate concepts, help defined what they know or didnt know, and help them strengthened their weakness. And it helps teachers to diagnose and adjust their teaching strategies. And my colleagues didnt complain. I was impressed by the team work, and willingness to learn. Hard work never kills anyone. In fact when the attitude is right, and grounded on true concern, people worked harder, are more genuine, and students are motivated to work, because teachers set the correct tone.

I am against results focused outcome, but I am fully supportive of ensuring students do learn. I am against being seen as a result-churning teacher, but do want to prove the point that a concept grounded-pedagogigcally sound-distinctly differentiated for each child teaching strategy must work. Whilst I detest a system that is focused on examinations, actually I am in favour of national examinations. That is an objective standard to measure if students meet the required standard. And that is important. Also, it measures cumulative knowledge, skills and techniques.

It is also a good way of reflecting on one's teaching approach. People who complain about the quality of students, should consider why they are teachers. If you only want to teach or can only teach good students, then .....i leave this as an open-ended question.  

The psle score of my present kids range from 190 -210. We are still running this marathon...and i hope the lessons learnt about themselves in the process of this journey will remain with them for a long time. As for the outcome, I believe, one will reap according to what one sow.

The joy of teaching is to see that spark in thinking, that 'click' as the concepts fall into place; that jubilation when the student overcome a personal learning obstacle.....

I had the good fortune of teaching in a school with an excellent principal for ten years when there were no IP schools. All students faced national examinations, but there is a consistency over the school years, and teachers did have the liberty to teach in a variety of ways, and introduce programs. It was never a drill and drill process.

As I mentioned in my previous post, system and school are separate entities. Blaming system is a way of avoiding personal responsibility. The Principal had clear educational values, and this was clearly translated down. In those ten years, I took my kids to sit in a court case and visit the Parliament for English lessons. When its time for debate lessons, all students in the class debate. Not just the best speakers. And in math, we had games, projects, competition training for fun. Never for results. In fact, many of the journal tasks I designed came from those days where i had so many ideas, but not the time to carry them out, or when i did, it was in much smaller scale. Then for non academic aspect, there was work experience program, job shadowing, including visits to hotels to see how the culinary section operates...and many many more programs, all simple and at little cost.  I was very fortunate. I had the space and liberty to carry out and learn how the students learn. And there was no work review. No one would dream of using these means to chalk up personal points. We did it because we love our kids. That was more than enough motivation. And pay was low.

And we did very well for exams. Focused on conceptual learning. Not drilling. I remembered my Principal saying, about ranking results, those numbers are beneath us. What a leader! Many events that i observed recently reminded me of her again.  I really was very fortunate to have worked under her.

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The present education system is indeed a complex mess. Examination which many blamed, is not the root cause of the problem.

 I only hope there will be a better generation of educators who will not be engaged in rhetorics about the education system, but would look at the historical perspectives of the education system, and evaluate what has led to this complex mess.

Statistics in its myriad rampant application to measure 'position', 'reward linked key performance indicators' 'reputation' have built a soul-less system, with undiscernible avarice cultivated in the noble platform of education. Statistics declare success (or failure). All students of statistics should also know, that, statistics lie. And they do more than lie, when they are used as justification of couched intents of individuals. But 'system' is a convenient camouflage.

Thankfully, whilst the suffocating tentacles of the powers that be in the form of 'system' seem prevalent (blaming system is safe isnt it?), one still see quite a few good hearts, and minds, dedicated, and principled, and that is truly an encouragement and an impetus to keep one's ideals going. 

We are not alone. Lets continue to do discrete good. :D

ramblings.....

over these past few days, 'meeting' people in various means of communication, i dreaded the question, how are you, or what have you been doing....
after pondering, my response is, i am waiting for october to come and go.....

one pause from writing because one has too little to write, or because one has too much to write?

can a machine write? at the moment, i feel somewhat like a machine....result-churning machine....

its not that i despair that i cant churn out results. On the contrary.i know i can.

But at what cost?  And what does result prove? For those who really worked for it, for those who regretted not working, and need a way out, yes, it benefits them.

But for those who dont, whose attitude showed a grasping with minimal effort, better still if no effort at all? i know, its not for me to judge.....my duty, is to do my utmost, for each one, deserving or not.....

sigh......

no point saying anymore....october. set my sight on 31 october. Thats my goal.

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when i can find breathing space, i would like to write on a few threads of thoughts....

one of them is bilingualism. i realised that in some realm of thoughts i much prefer to write in chinese. yet, actually english is the language that seems to be native to me....hmmm......

then the other is art or science; or art and science?

i remembered as a 16 going on to 17 jc kid, the first few economics lecture was dedicated to 'debating' whether economics is an art or science. At that time, seriously, i wanted to say, what is the relevance of such rhetorics? cant we just get on with it? what does it matter if economics is an art or a science? That, i think, is a failing of the system, and myself. Taught as a 'content', the argument is meaningless. And then, for myself, thought was shallow.

That generation is a generation that values science. NUS actually classified economics with the Arts Faculty ( at that time, no FASS). But it has a unique place, in that Science faculty student can read Economics as a Science, and Arts students could read Mathematics as an exception.

I was initially matriculated as a Science faculty student, reading Math, Economics and Computer Science. Yes, i would have been the first batch of students reading Computer Science. mum and dad was proud to know i cleared the aptitude test, which selected only 20% of the applcants.

But, I was dependent on psc for teaching bursary then. And they dictated that I must read English Language, English Literature, (Language and Literature are 2 different subjects and so they should be) Economics or Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry.  I wanted neither combination. Computer Science is not a teaching subject at that time, and 'irrelevant' for teaching. That was also not a modular system then. First year Science student must read 3 subjects, and major in two in third year. No minor for Science students in thrid year. For Arts faculty student, your must read 2 major, and one minor from 2nd year onwards.

After negotiation, I was finally allowed to read English Language, Mathematics and Economics. That put me in a 'rojak' combination. Both Science and Arts faculty didnt 'matriculate' me. Science said I should be in Arts as Econoics and English Lang are Arts. Arts said I should be in Science, as Maths and Econs are the two intersecting subjects between the 2 faculties as they are 'Science'. It was that strange. Bureaucracy.

I finally got an interview with Professor Edwin Thumboo who was the Dean of the Arts Faculty then. I remembered sitting in his office, some 4 weeks after uni term has started as an 'unmatriculated' student. And he looked so formidable! And so he was! He put through a call to psc immediately and asked what they wanted. It seemed the reply was quite immediate as well, and within minutes, it was settled. He was really awesome. I was to matriculate as an Arts Faculty student.

I remembered when some seniors in the Hall got to do know about it, they advised me against it. The 'value' between an Arts Degree and a Science matters alot. I was throwing away what is valued.

I dont know what is valued. But I do know, what I want. I was regretful to give up Computer Science, but the 2 subjects I really wanted to read was Mathematics and Economics. I needed the sponsor, I didnt want to burden my parents to get a loan. They did say i neednt force myself to take the teaching award, they will somehow settle my fees. But i knew that means borrowing. No, I cant have that. 

 I chose to read English Language and in exchange for Eng Lit, I was allowed to read Mathematics. Its not that I do not like English Literature. I do. Alot. But Maths and Economics won the day. At 19, i kept my ideals, but I also knew I must respect the biddings of my sponsors. I was only too grateful that I could continue studying.

 (On a side-note, when I see young people squandering their lives away when they have so much opportunity, it is grievous to me.)

So is Economics an art or a science? What is art? What is science? Why such questions at this time?

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A few years ago, a teacher said proudly to me, teaching is an art, and a science. I looked at this scholar teacher of 5 years or so, destined to be 'leader', and did become some sort of 'leader' (define leader please!) , with some pity, but didnt comment. One learns not to converse with emptiness. There are some that are strangely powerful in vacuuming ideas and discharging it as their own. That is neither an art or a science.

Yes, teaching is an art, and a science. Easy to utter, easy to engage in exposition, and elaboration. But as a teacher, do you know what it means in reality?

Education is a favourite topic for debate and discussion. Everyone has their two cents worth of view, because everyone is a by product of sorts of the 'education system'.  What most do not distinguish is there is the distinct difference between education, system, school, teaching and learning. They are NOT synonomous.

People spend so much time having a fine debate and worse, splashing loads and loads of money into 'programs' in "education" (yes, define!)  for "outcome based" (oh, this is well defined and documented) purposes, but miss the mark of teaching and learning. The latter two elements are stand alone, that may/may not be in a system.

The facilator of learning, the teacher, should master the art and science of his/her craft.  I think in the past, where there are much much less man-designed 'organisation', when people has to 拜师, then the value of teaching may be better perceived and understood. How to bring out the best of each child, how to observe for that invisible development of the mind? How to eleveate the thinking to a higher perspective?

How many teachers, may i ask, view teaching as a craft? Craft? Surely not. Its Career Path that matters! And kpis and pbs of course is very important. Teaching is a profession. We are professionals! Craft? Then there is the other camp of teachers, flogged and cajoled to achieve targets set (for whose benefit?), too besieged by work to have any ponderings about craft? art? science?

To those whose heart is warmer, who had hearkened to the 'higher calling from moe adverts,  of moulding life, and nurturing children, or from a true heart to care, i hope somewhere in your life, you will find meaning and understanding, in teaching in itself as an art, and wherein is it a science.

And  measuring a convolution of 'education otucomes' with figures, statistics and rankings has little bearing to teaching, and learning. 

戏剧，人生

最近，心情一直烦闷。不是外因引起。起初也不大理解为何有一种说不出的伤感。


看电视的戏剧只不过是偶尔消磨时间， 并不是嗜好。去年， 看过“义海豪情”后，勾起很多回忆， 感触万分。

自“义” 后，并没有留下深刻印象的戏剧。 上个礼拜，播新的一部电视剧，起初没注意，但，不知为何总有一种熟悉的感觉，一种难言的感触， 犹如看“义”的情绪和风格。原来，是同一位导演，一位将要退休的李导，经验丰富，善于把内心的境界，很淡然的显出。


戏剧是人生吗？ sk 说妈妈曾说过， 戏剧是人生， 因为戏剧所编出的事故和情景，往往是从现实生活吸取的真实情节。


可能对一个不表达真正内心心语的人，看到心底隐藏的挣扎，反映在戏剧的某个角色，难免有难以形容的情绪。戏中有位主角，为了顾大局，面对困境，承当义务，强硬地抑制心中的悲痛，装不在乎。过后，身体一直有不解的不适，看医生，吃药效果不佳。

医生是友人，为她分析，因她不能面对某事景，长期抑止悲忧，倒致怪病。而她所不能面对的，是怎样解开困扰自己的矛盾。


戏剧能让你看到每个角色的处境，让你体会到每个人的思维。但，在现实生活中，看得到吗？有些人往往替别人着想，所以很多时候是看得到的。但有些人熬不过伤痛的折磨，只能顾到自己，是否会伤害到别人，他们总能以理论来安抚自己, 因为自己的生存是最重要的。


事事顾大局的人，对自己是最不公平。 一个总是说无所谓的人，什么事都撑得住的人， 的确， 是撑得住，但并不是没代价的撑住。

我并没有怨言，也没有以前那种天真的期望。 我坦然的承认，我是非常地失望。 是， 往事是不该回想。 说不想就不存在？是欺人还是欺己？毕竟，那是我人生的一段很长很长的日子。可以这样的把一切抹掉灭迹吗？

有时候我对自己说， 我要有意义地过其余的日子。但，有时候，我的确自问，是这样吗？就这样， 就算了结吗？这个心结何日解？或许，这样对某些人会好过些。

照顾大局，为他人着想，换回来的是永相隔的世面？这是赐给我的判决？谁是最大的受害者，到最终，谁付出的代价最高，大家也心里有数。

戏剧的情节有时被批评无理。实际上，世上很多事更是无理。

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戏剧，人生。人生，戏剧。

所不同的是，人生的大结局，不是编导出来的。每个角色须为结局负责任。

2 July

I know now its past 2 July, but only just finished the second part of the coding  project.... deadline was last friday actually...so need to complete that first.....
it was an unusual day, though i had not expected it to be so....

i knew that i am going to struggle with the coding, made worse by the headache (besieged by migraine the last few days, sigh!).....but when sk asked to accompany her to get stationery, i obliged. First of all, i really respect and admire her spirit and dedication to her new job, which is really a semi voluntary basis...but she really love the special kids she is taking care of...really very admirable. And since it is one of the few days both of us are able to go out, I told myself, put her first.  

It turned out to be one of the very rare heart to heart talk we have..... over mum's last days. I didnt realised she felt guilty after more than 2 years......that we had sent mum back to hospital, and that day turned out to be her second last day... yes, i did remember that day 7 Feb well...and the event then, I was thankful that i could let the words flow in this blog...

Was it a rite decision? True, that was not what i wanted then.....but i fully understand why they thought it best to send her back to Mt E. I didnt remember B2 asking her if its because she didnt want mum to die at her place. But I am very certain that, that was NEVER the issue. Hurting question. Actually a cruel question.

Even if it was true, so? Who did most for mum? Not people who asked piercing questions. Its people who have been constant over years when others can always 'so reasonably' excused themselves for long stretches of absence. sk had always wanted to have mum with her, but mum chose to stay at rv....prob because of me. But finally, mum went to sk, and in having mum there at the final phase, she knew what was in stall, and she spared no effort. 

There is no question that we wanted the best for mum. What is best, who knows? But by that time, sk was at cracking point, the strain was too much for her. And bil also said that every moment in the nite, they worry whether they could give mum the help when she needed, and would hospital be the better place to help her. The intent was definitely good. The conflict is because no one knows what is the best decision, and everyone would feel what they think is best. I remembered full well what i felt then, but made the final decision in consideration for the welfare of all. Ironic, that the youngest should made the decision for 4 older siblings.

In a way, we also knew that trip  'shortened' her days, but by how many? And would it had been better? I reminded sk what the head nurse said to us, at mum's passing...that she looked peaceful, which is true, and she had so many of us with her. That she didnt go through the many painful phases, like vomiting of blood...which i had been forewarned may happen. For the first time, I told sk what the doctors had warned me of the various scenarios which i did not tell her....and on hindsight, it was the less painful way for mum...her threshold for suffering and pain is really not high, and her fears many....

 I felt very bad that sk should still be tormented by the circumstances....because mum had told her she was scared, and she didnt want to die....Like i had analysed many many months ago, somehow, we always feel we never did enough for mum....there is a kind of 'child-like' dependence on us...and yet, she had also been quite a forceful character in our lives....and had caused alot of unhappiness that had impacted our lives irreparably....

actually, if we should feel bad, it should be over dad....and to this day, i feel bad....but circumstances at that time didnt allow me to do alot....

the lesson both of us learnt is that we will make it much easier for those who may see us to our end. I told sk, the things that i did to give mum the impression that i would be fine, that i can be independent and carry on with things so that she need not worry about me, which she really believed that, I was somehow attached, and would be fine..... and all that i did to prepare  for the event of eventuality....and how hard it was when it came...not that i could say that much...and not that sk will understand....we are very differente....actually, at some point, it was so hard... too hard to carry on.....

looking back, i really dont know how i walked through that tunnel....the mercies of the Lord....and the kindness and warmth of friends at nushs....thats why nushs will always be special to me....

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when i was stepping out of the house to meet sk, at the gate, balancing on the handle was a small 'pussy' sleeping in a basket, my new 'toy'....with a note 'thank you ms sie'....i couldnt believe it...it was really a very sweet thingy.... yes, i figure out who it came from, and confirmed my guess....

the total unexpectedness, and most of all, the thoughtfulness made this pussy very special to me.....thank you....

and later in the afternoon, the visit of the kids turned out better than i had expected. Its youth day, so they are free, and wanted to drop in, and i hadnt seen this group for some time...., when i see kids, my kids, i only want to see them well, developed to their potential, and be happy...., childhood, teenage years, growing years are the formative years...and i would wish they would be the best they can be, and be as happy as they can be....

yes, each time i see the kids, i realised i do miss them.... may they grow, blossom, and attain to full fruition.....

as one generation walked into the twilight years, we would hope to pass the light on to another generation to live their life well and pass on to yet another generation....

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at the end of each day, this day, i remain thankful  and contented. yes, to live each day with minimum regret, and hopefully, to the benefit of others .... i would wish i could do more....but i think, i did do my best....and would hope to continue to do so, until the end of my pilgrimage.....

i didnt expect the day to turn out this way, and it is good.....at least both of us finally said some of the things we could not bring ourselves to say....

and it is good to see the the new 'pussy' and to see the kids....

3oth June 2012

Technically, this is a half-year mark. End of six months....calls for some sort of review, however superficial...
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 June....

Month on month comparison, this June has been rather pleasant....every week was eventful, meeting up with people, and tying up things....

More significant 'event' includes PL's daughter cw marriage on my bday ~ i saw the girl grew from eleven years old as a P5 girl who gave me the riddle " What did the Big Tomato say to the Small Tomato" , a lame joke i threw to every class ever since...and this little girl has turned to a lovely bride! PL has really been a faithful friend. Seriously, we remain friends more because of her, than because of me. She was incredibly kind, always going out of the way to be so. Whilst she is totally not engaged in 'intellectual' matters, she is down to earth, and in her 'blurness', she gives good simple advice. 18 years or so....

Then there is the tea with K, C, and M, the sum of the years of friendship with each adds up to more than 100... And again, its more because of them, than me. C declared I was never available, and marvelled that K managed to get me out for tea. I have learnt over the past few years, to appreciate kindness that is unsought, and has no demand. I knew K from P1 but we were never close, though we do relate well. Never met when we went our separate ways from JC (as far as i can remember), but she found me in her son's parents teachers meeting. And from then, she made the effort, and was quietly there. The difficult months prior to mum's passing to the final move out of rv, she made periodic effort to check on me. And from then, she widened my circle, first with M, then with C, both my Sec sch classmates. I thought, to many, I 'disappeared', yet somehow, I was remembered. In fact I was quite taken aback by the things C remembered, the books we read, the 'strange' things i did....ahh.... lovely school days....so yes, now that one advanced to a different phase, friendship that survived knocks and trials....is appreciated....in many ways, whilst we differed, yet our values converged....thanks to our alma mater....its really funny when we talked about our teachers....urm sounded like how the kids talked about theirs.....

June is always a time to meet up with EL which is always alot of exchanges, mostly on educational aspects....again, sigh, not intitiated by me....EL was my senior in uni days, then colleague in my second school for ten years, and when i left, she said to me, there wont be a good bye, we will remain friends....and so we did.... i owe much to her loyal friendship, for she ensured that i had proper lunch throughout the turbulent time in those years......yes, another friend that dated back more than 3 decade...

and yes, friends of recent years remain valued, as are the kids from blss esp kt....and nushs...., i guess the constant postings say it all....., every meeting, every communication is valued..... 

my regret is, i lost touch with many of the kids from my inital 15 years of teaching..... i wasnt in a frame to want to be in touch....and did not reply the many letters and emails.....those were years of silence in every sense of the word.....and the very few that wont give up, and keep calling, and writing...these few are still in the circumference of contact....

at 'family' end...i guess i hadnt done well here, though i did managed to meet up with lp and took her and S1 for dinner, and should be meeting up with P n C....and maybe B1? sigh....lack motivation....and there is still sst, whom i would wish to be in touch....

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Sad events...

two deaths....the first hit me very hard, harder than people realised.....

the second...the inevitability of the final phase....my over-riding concern is for ls....and i am thankful that as at this moment, ky and ls had maintained stability. Which is no small consolation to me.

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Pre-occupation....

i was thankful to clear off one after another of the 'tasks' i got myself entangled....and sigh, am still working to clear one more 'task', which needs 30 hours more of work....and it isnt the kind of work i like...requires meticulousness....o well, got to finish it by end aug hopefully...

then the assignment for my last module, which is going to be quite a project, and

sigh....dissertation....i have this feeling L is really unhappy with me by now...sigh.....hopefully, the year end report will bear better tidings in this respect....

but my main challenge is to see how far i can help 78 kids pushed past their threshold....as at this moment, the strategising has paid off ~ the groundwork has been laid, its now keeping motivation, and building momentum....this is likely to be the last time i am going to get myself in this 'exam pursuit' goal system of such a scale, so i intend to do it very well. Its going to be a 4 month marathon, and i hope the kids will want to do it well...and want it more than me....

alot can be accomplished in 4 months...but alot can be de-railed as well....so actually this is my main pre-occupation and focus....and at this moment, i will only say, i am quietly hopeful and confident....but, alot remains to be seen.... 

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Future?

not thinking about it at all. Apart from the clearing of the random tasks, and the main preoccupation that will end oct, the completion of the dissertation is the only thing in sight.

i am quite at peace and at ease with having no path in sight. i have to admit i rather like not being bound, though it is at a price. Even when work piles, i dont push myself like i did before, and that made things less stressful....

i am however in need of alot of exercise....hadnt had time for a single walk......

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Overall, i am thankful, very thankful.......the mercies of the Lord endureth forever.