End of November

Another roller-coaster month...

In many ways, this should have been a happy week/month cos all the events important to me turned out well, at least nothing went wrong. Convo was good; the GE presentation was so-so, but not too bad; the purchase of dakota is confirmed at 5 jan and all set to move within 6-8 jan; all other private matters that had problems due to my negligence were resolved, with a price (sigh!), but nevertheless the mechanics to resolve the issues were set in place. It is really not funny to deal with 3 solicitors in the last 2 months!

And with the confirmation of the place in Masters in NIE, I really should be happy that things are on course.

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Perhaps going downhill healthwise contributed to the despondency. Bad throat inflammation. Even doc says throat is very raw and inflamed. I knew my energy was sapped up by the time we reached convo. I needed rest but there wasnt time. Had to push on doggedly with the bridging, and non-preparedness for the presentation. And to top it all, tiger's pee had blood again yesterday, so the harrowing trip to the vet. The whole process is usually 3-4 hours, and his struggle made things so much more difficult.

But I guess, the bottom-line for this downcast frame was loss. I never take loss well. Someone said to me, you expected it, so you should be prepared for it. But things dont work out this way. I would need time to get over this.

Basically, I am not a person that allows many to cross the circumference into the inner circle. I have to admit, I dont trust usually. Which is why it takes me very very long to get over a hurt. Sometimes, it is against my better judgment. I should not get hurt so easily. I realise as one moves on in age, one tends to be more forebearing, and maybe indulgent. Generally, I am still pretty sharp in judgement. But silence is golden.

There is a circle of people that one is often with, because we think at the same frequency, and have the same pre-occupation. Again, my philosophy is be kind to everyone; observe who wants to learn, and help them; keep away from those that may bite you. Where people regard me well, I reciprocate, but not into the inner circle.

To cross that inner circle would usually take some time, definitely more than a year. To me, it is not the stating of the qualities of a person. It is not just how a person treats me. More important than how a person treats me, is how a person treats others. It is easy to criticise; to run-down those lesser than you. But to help, to be positive, to have the values of service not for the sake of self-regard is unusual. And not a one-off thing. That can be put-on. It must be over a length of time, and especially when the tide is rough. Consistency. And I regard that very highly. dk was like that.

To young people, I say, the above is a good measure to choose life-partner. Beauty, 'excitement' ,'interesting' are not sufficient good life-partner considerations.

Again there are people one highly regard but may not be one that we communicate well with. Somehow something is missing. Ease and comfortableness of communication is a factor that one cant really explain why. Sometimes, most of the time, it is others that are comfortable with me. I am rarely that comfortable to talk freely, though i can keep a conversation going all the time. I think I always have that invisible barrier up.

So, well, when such a rare person is found, and lost within the month of discovery, well, it is a loss. I say, month, because though I had known and regarded the person well for some time; but it was only within the month that the impact has been different.

Loss is a strange feeling. It makes one directionless; and helpless, and very very sad. Experience teaches not to deny the feeling; Will distance affects bonds? actually most of the time, yes.

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Whatever. Life goes on for others. I suddenly feel very aged and tired. VERY. I feel bewildered somehow. Lost, sad, down.....sigh! I really wished I had stuck by my earlier decision to reclusiveness and seclusiveness. This way, there would be less feeling of weariness. Less feeling of pain.

Note that pain, and hurt are 2 different things. Hurt caused pain, but pain is not always caused by hurt. As in this case, it is not a deliberate intention or callous deeds/words. It is a loss of something good. And that pain though aching, can be borne, because one hopes that the good person will bring the same goodness to others, though it is a loss to some. In life, someone has to gain, someone has to lose.

Sigh! Farewell friend.

离别

离别

自私，无私，谁判断 ？

立场，观点，从何看 ？


知己难寻，庆相逢；

可惜短暂，无缘继。


离离别别，好难过；

硬装潇洒，好无奈。


心底酸痛，想挽留；

为了友人，得接受。


定局，大局，得承当；

依依不舍，得隐藏。


失落心境，无语形；

叹气，祝福，泪内吞。

Today

In many ways, I would say today is a happy day. :)

Yes, everything went well... in a way, it couldnt be otherwise because all that needed to be done was done. There was planning; there was support; there was liberty; there was coordination; there was harmony; there was joy in the doing of duties. Same mind; same attitude; same commitment. All the correct ingredients were there. I couldnt ask for more. So it went well. Honestly, from the start, I felt and knew it would go well.
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Duties apart, I must admit whilst watching this batch graduate, I was thinking of the next, my baby batch. They will be growing up very soon! They will graduate next year! The kids say, must stay to see them graduate. Must wear gown to 'graduate' with them. I didnt think of that actually. But I must say, I actually look forward to it! hmmmmm......

Of course it means that they will then flap their wings and soar into their horizon. I do want to see them soar, grow up, be happy. Though life wouldnt be easy out of this cosy nestling they are so used to. But they will have to persevere and overcome.

Thanks for being so sweet to suggest taking 'family' photograph. I was a little bewildered at first. But later it dawned on me: thank you for the thoughtfulness. Actually I never liked taking photos. But yes, I was happy to take with them. In some ways, they are really my kids. I am really happy to be with them.

不在乎天长地久

只在乎曾经拥有

I will really miss them, and really it has truly been a blessing to me to come across this group of very genuine, happy and silly kids. :)

This is not to say, I dont enjoy teaching the other kids. I enjoyed my bridging lessons these 2 weeks. It is always a joy to teach kids that want to learn, and are earnest to learn. And they were responsive and enthusiastic. So despite being really tired from the morning, it was no chore to continue on 3 hours of lesson when teaching has ended for most. It was really a pleasure to teach.

In that, I really have been very lucky. Overall, most of the kids I had taught over 20+ years have given me joy in teaching. In packing my things over the past week, I had cards and letters that dated back to the start of my teaching days. And really hundreds and hundreds of them. I have kept them. But it is time to let go. That I have helped some kids a little in their path of growth, I would not have lived my life in vain.

If I was to depart tomorrow, I think it would be with little regrets. I would prefer however to clear all the mess at my place and put things in order first so that no one needs to see to things for me after I am gone. And I would prefer to take care of tiger and brownee to their end first. And yes, of course I would wish to see my kids grow up and settle down. But given no one can say when their last breath is, I think to some extent I can say I have lived my life meaningfully by the mercies and grace of God, despite all the downfalls.

Goodbyes are inevitable. What is important is: life begets life. I have lived my life: Let us help the young live and build their lives ahead.

So, in conclusion, today is a meaningful and happy day. Teaching is not about career. Not about position; status; plans; kpi and whatever new terminology coined. Life does not change. Every life needs to be nurtured. Teaching is about nurturing a child to fruition, like seeing a batch graduate. That pride that only a parent that loves his/her child understands, to see a seedling grow into a sapling, budding, and blooming. Its a beauty.

I have always wished to teach in schools at countryside to get away from this crazy over-planning rat-race. Yet strangely enough in this school, I should have found a bunch of kids playing hide-and- seek at 15, and laughing over the silliest thing, happy and contented with life even now when they are going to be 18!

Seriously, Sie-riously, I am content.

Thank you for making me happy. Thank you for helping me see some meaning in my life.

And to Everyone, thank you for all the help and coordination. Not just for those that helped today, but over the past week. Not just those from ex-403, but EveryonE.... and i mean EVERYONE! THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. :)

I will try to stay on to see you all graduate! I will be proud of all of you. Very Very Proud. :)

A year....

Actually I have kept myself focused on the never-ending tasks... and try not to look behind the facade of events into the wheels of time grinding on... conscious that the clogs of time has almost reached an entire revolution of a year...

i cant bring myself to look back to this time last year... i was in hanoi... and the news came of the beginning of the end...

i had forced myself these few weeks to move out of my 'comfort' zone which is essentially only 4-5 places. I thought I was better. For the first time this year, I got myself a shirt. I do most of my shopping with mum. I had not gone to any of the shopping places for a long time.

Today I was at the market, and accidentally went to the vegetable stall that I have been avoiding. Alot of them are familiar with me, and mum. The lady said she hadnt seen me for a very long time, and asked how is my mother. I was caught off guard, and said, she is gone. I had to swallow the lump that immediately came up and bit my lips to hold back the flood...

My mind functions in two dimension; one focusing on the immediate goals; the other meandering over events this time last year. Its awfully painful.

Especially with the impending move.

sk was talking about having steamboat on 25 dec. I winced within. I remembered all too well 25 dec 2009, the last time that the whole family was together with mum... in lieu of the chinese new year that she didnt make it....
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Mr Soon is a plumbing/electrical/carpentry contractor I knew in the early 90s. He was doing work for a neighbour on chinese new year eve. I was rather impressed cos I had very very bad experience with contractors. Since then, he had been regular in helping me with all sorts of tasks for the various situations I undertook. That was for 20 years or so by now. He is now in his 70s?

I learnt one thing from him: whenever I asked him if a task is possible to be done, he will always counter with, why not? I have grown accustomed to hearing his lengthy stories, and learn from them. He has a soft spot for me, and go the extra mile to help out. He has ALOT of common sense and is actually extremely kind. I am depending on him to help out with my move.

It is an unbelieveably humongous task because there are alot of items at my place that should have been discarded long long time ago. And being totally on my own, with no help from any source make it more difficult. sk is not practical and never sees to things like that, nor know how to. I am so used to taking care of things that no one remembers that i also need to be taken care of. It is also partially age. I am not one that is easily daunted. But I am no longer as strong and nimble. Energy level is really very different.

Mr Soon somehow understands. I was in two minds whether to ask him cos I dont want him to strain himself. I keep reminding him that he is no longer young and dont try to act the hero. He laughed. He usually has indian workers helping him, and he speaks fluent tamil and malay! He told me he had cleared most of mum's stuff from the rooms and kitchen. I am thankful that he is still around to help me out.

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There are several things to see to this week that is vital. I must focus.

As term grinds to an end... I must brace myself for the inevitable billows that will engulf one into a whirlpool. I have to come through this... this time last year...creeping towards the first anniversary in about 79 days time...

there are some things in life you have to weather through on your own... each of us go through different furnace.... and through it, hopefully, we will be stronger and kinder to others.

Grant me grace, O God, that I may live and keep thy word...

Quote of the Day

"Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice, and is never the result of selfishness."

Napoleon Hill

From my daily quote subscription.

My first response: Very true. Then...questions.

Definition of selfishness? Seen from whose angle? Is everyone aware of their own selfishness?

On the whole, still find the quote true. But with the above questions, perspectives are put in place...

Reflections....

Of Bonds and Relationships....

Tiger and Brownee taught me alot. Actually I really did neglect them over the last 2-3 years, where work took such a primary role. A 12 hour work-day was the norm; then a couple of hours with mum, and desperate of sleep. I did notice they were more aloof with me.

After sulis left, I was faithful in returning back daily to feed them by 6; and especially tiger being unwell shook me. I had assumed they would be with me for a good many years. The lovely thing about animals is, they remain loyal. These past 2 months, our bonds returned to what it was. Both of them are more often in my room, especially tiger. Almost every nite, he sleeps at his favorite chair. He had not done so for a very long time.

The same with brownee. I realised she missed sulis alot. Brownee needs company all the time, and I wasnt around to give her. Now, I made effort to play with her and fuss over her every day.

I am fully aware that like all things, these two companions are temporal. All I want to do is to be able to give them the shelter, security and care for life.

What they taught me is: time and care invested when they were young laid the foundation of trust. Though there had been bad patches.... genuine care always strengthen bonds. If there is a strain, then effort must be put in to recover. And it really is worth it. :)
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Are all bond recoverable?

If the bond is true in the first place (but how does one tell?), and fundamentals have not changed... it is recoverable.

If it breaks...well, it did not stand the test of time. Either the bonds were not valued by at least one party; it was not laid on strong foundation; perhaps in the first place, there was no bond....

One can objectively analyse.... but it does not mitigate the regret and ache of loss... and only felt by the one that still valued the past bond....

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Of History Repeating Itself...

I had always wondered why history would repeat itself. Surely one should learn as one observe, especially if the true aspiration of leaders is for the welfare of their wards? Especially if the leader is an intelligent one.

For some time, I concluded that it is because in time past, knowledge was not so accessible. So one has less opportunity to learn from the experience of others. In fact, the first half of my life, computers are not common, much less internet. Reading books and listening if you have the opportunity were the only means of learning.

Things have since changed, with the advent of internet. Yes, the speed of knowing knowledge increase exponentially. But not wisdom. I realise. Definitely, not listening. Some "listen" to state their own view.

Knowledge only makes one wise when truly pondered, allowing for time to brew over, and reflected. Time is still the essence to wisdom. Unfortunately, in this 'mouse-click' generation, knowledge puffs up.

I remember asking someone not too long ago, why some things that could be learnt even by observation, why doesnt it take place? The reply was a wise one: You are assuming that all want to learn?

True, I was assuming a willingness to observe and learn. If you didnt think you have anything to learn; if you think what you think is always right.... would you even think there is a need to learn from any experience? My assumption was wrong.

I then realise, yes, this is often the case. Hence, history repeats itself. And the fact that this is a proverb of old, it has always been so, from of old. This is the norm.
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I also realise, just as the rich gets richer, and the poor gets poorer - a gap that cant be breached; similarly so for true knowledge. Those who learn, realised how little they know, they are genuinely humbled; they realise the need of counsel and wisdom. And they seek to know and learn even more. And a truly humbled person is rarely impatient with those who are struggling to learn, remembering their own humbling experience.

But for those who believe they know, believe they have what it takes to win more and more glory (whatever the required platitudes of humility), well, the gap between knowledge and wisdom gets wider and wider.

I also realised that the saying Failure is the Mother of Success is not just about perseverence to grasp success. It had a depth that only those who truly understands the cause of failure, and truly learn from it understands.

Again, being able to objectively analyse does not mitigate the pain to see things that need not be; that should not be.
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Meantime.... the move of my place of stay is finally imminent.... I have to look forward and plan ahead for the new place; for the Masters course; for a new schedule....

Above all, I must not lose focus of what I wish to do....not to live my life in vain.
I will always remember Emily Dickinson's short verse:

If I can stop one heart from breaking,I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

Tiger and Brownee

Yes, I sketched both pictures, whilst under the tutelage of the art teacher Ms Le Man, that taught me for about 6 months. She is a lively lady, full of zest; open and spontaneous; talented and patient. She is a great teacher, especially when my 'art' skill is totally non-existent. She did improve both of them by her skilful strokes, that made a whole world of difference. But I still did a good part of it, sketched them from photographs...I drew tiger much better than brownee...