11 Jan 2018

So this is the actually 11 Jan post for 11 Jan. Amidst dozes and wakes, I finally open my eyes feeling satisfied of a good night sleep. And it was 1013. This is the latest that I can ever remember for a very long time. Actually except for those times confined to bed, I dont remember getting up at this late hour. Still, I was very relieved that I felt better and the feverishness was not present.

Hadn't been up to much. I thought it important to update a day by day account, as it is a way of keeping track of myself. The good thing about writing is, for me, it requires a quite reflection, and placidity. I really need to be more on task with the book I hope to pen. My outstanding things: columbarium, dad's anniversary is next Monday. Had intended to do so together with the cemetery visit. But J only had time for cemetery and that is more inaccessible for me. I could go with S1, B2 etc....but somehow I think I will try to go on my own tomorrow. Had intended today, but the cold and dull weather does not encourage one to step out. Weather has been far colder than normal. We are actually registering 23- 26 degrees in the day which is cold by my standard. I dont mind spending a quiet lazy day at home. Need to come to quietude in order to write anyway.

Sometimes I come up with the idea of venturing here and there especially to see sunrise and sunset. Whilst I do like my own company, somehow driving to unfamiliar sites is not so inviting. Its the same with travelling. So, Newton's law of inertia still holds.

B is now on my lap whilst I am typing all these in bed. T also will snuggle up when I am down for a meal. The affections of the pussies are deeply imprinted. I admit if not for them, I dont think I will have sufficient will power to keep up to be as well as possible. Yesterday, in the moment of unwellness, I did want to let go.

I need to find strength within my soul. Yea, when the Lord strengthen the inward man with might by the Holy Spirit, I can do all things through Christ strengtheneth me. Its been a long time since I have felt that. Apostle Paul said, when i am weak, then am I strong. I must get down to writing. Its 430pm now. May update again in the night.

update: Managed my walk and exercise in the drizzle. Feeling better than yesterday. Less burning and no feverishness.

9-11 Jan 2018 ~ 10 Jan

MM confirmed arrangement to look for otters last night. I had thought to go early to see if I can catch sunrise. Perhaps all these excitements in addition to all that had happened on 9 Jan led to a very restless night, which is not good for me. Also having mentioned that I was planning towards UK trip, the permutations of arrangements kept going round my mind. So altogether unhelpful.

Got up as scheduled on 545 and caught the train at 625. It was a nice fruitful morning (posted pics on fb) and MM was a soothing company. The girl is obviously in the process of finding herself amidst not being a typical Singaporean stereotype. Nice kid. A good way to whittle the morning though before 10am, I felt tired. Have been feeling short of breath these days. Still, I would have done my scheduled 3km walk, definitely more than 4km actually.

Dozed off a good part of the day after getting back till past 2. Then the usual way time is allowed to drip away. After tuition (usually quiet these days with 2-3 kids), I probably made the mistake of watching hk drama and that took a good slice of 2-3 hours. I didn't feel well, actually quite unwell. The burning mouth syndrome was at one of its worse, sucking ice relieve only for as long as the ice was there. Should be running a low grade fever and throat discomfort.

All these irregular spouts of discomfort that come on with short spates of relief made me wary. Its all so easy to say plan ahead. But in planning how many people will be affected if it does not materialise. I really worry esp over zh family. As far as I recall, going together has always been their suggestion. I want to do it also for their sake especially helping them through immigration. Also UK being totally EL speaking. I also realise in my recent travellings, most of them have been with them.

I have been counting the weeks also. From the confirmation of recurrence to this weekend, its 18 weeks. I am planning for what is 20 weeks ahead. Although its true to say that I had made steady progress upwards and those who had seen me in Oct and now remarked I looked better (Zh pointed out 这是不对的 since I should be getting worse, not better based on trend). I remembered somewhere in end Dec, perhaps, 23 or 27 Dec, he had said he felt that there is 好转 and then he had mentioned about planning to book for June. Otherwise i wont go. I wasn't sure if he was saying that to encourage me. I did not know what to reply then. Yesterday, he did say if one wants to view death, no one can say when that will come. If you look at accidents, the people who collapsed from heart attack and brain haemorrhage, and he was thankful of their coming unscathed from the floods on Monday....all these i am well aware of. In fact, whenever I read any unhappy/tragic news, I feel very much for those who suffered loss and know I am very very very blessed indeed.

But it does not change the fact that I am facing what I am facing now. In many ways it is not related to my illness. For this has been the issue since the start of the blog. Direction. In fact, I have come a long way and am genuinely more settled, and more happy, and definitely moving positively forward. Actually being down with illness had made me so much more responsible with food, rest and exercise. And more conscious of time. So yes, its really time lost watching those videos not to say the impact that followed. So despite the good morning with otters, it did not turn out to be as good a day as it could. Perhaps being alone is a contributing factor. But the issue is me. Just as I see those who could be happy with what they have, being unhappy for the pain in their being - the issue is actually themselves. For those that I love, walking with them from afar, I can only hope and pray they find themselves. You can only say this much. To apprehend, one has to come into the inward understanding through their own seeking.

The morning adventure sinks into insignificance with the night's much discomfort. My burning mouth syndrome should be one caused by secondary cause i.e hypothyroid. It seems this has never been associated cancer except as a side effect of chemo. So, its ironic. Actually it has been so since end 2016 and part of 2017. The discomforts and uncomfortableness are not seemingly related to the terminal illness. I dont know how to make out of it. Perhaps it serves as a constant reminder of the time bomb within?

9-11 Jan 2018 ~ 9 Jan

It's easy to slip into having too many thoughts, too busy distracting oneself and letting go writing here.

9 Jan 2018

The day that should be significant as every 'check-up' usually is. Somehow, time passed and despite my original intent, I reached late by 3 minutes. I note this visit was not like previous, in that I would get calls the day before confirming that I would be coming, and even 15 minutes before the appointment. So the lack of persistent reminders was missed.

I gradually saw Prof Low about 1230. Chicken Soup series on Cats was a good way to keep occupied on mrt and waiting. Many thanks to Gerlynn. I also fix my mind on lunch thereafter with Sean and Lakshmi. When Sean visited on 30 Dec, I mentioned this appointment. Both of them happened to be attached at nuh and he remembered the date. I appreciated that and messaged me yesterday to have lunch together. Sometimes in teaching, you never know which student would be the one that after years passed, remember you and stretch out a compassionate hand. Lakshmi and Visha, Sean....they have actually been a comfort over these past 17 months.

With Prof Low, its basically a conversation. Without any diagnosis data, all is a standstill, as I expected. It was a good conversation. He says he respect my decision, to have things as natural as possible. I think he actually recorded that down from the previous appointment. For those are my very words. He did not make any negative statements of my decision. Remain objective in that statistics are arrived by data from a large group of people. No one knows if they are in the majority or minority. As to symptoms, there are those that do not have significant symptoms. Survival outcome, possible 1 to 2 years. Abdominal colic issue, watch what is eaten. Avoid hard fibre. In my case, it was that chunk of kwei teow taken over too short a time, at least too short for me. I am used now to stretching eating even to hours, not that I was ever the fastest eater. I would rather not eat. I asked if I could see him if I needed to, and he replied, I may not be here. My records are there, I can see any consultants. When urgent, there is A and E. He did try to say if he was, he would see me. Somehow I sensed he was more pensive. I asked if he thought I was unwise. He replied that everyone has their reasons for their decisions, and no one can say which is better. Statistically, it does say, the treatment plan offers a longer survival outcome, but it is not absolute. He gave the analogy of heavy smokers. Statistically, many of these get lung cancer. But there are those that would boast that despite being heavy smokers, they are free from it. The minority. But who knows who is in the minority. I did prefer to have a date set for next appointment, in 3, 4 months time? But even as I asked, i know all is too iffy. He asked what for, it would just be for a chat. He had earlier saw why I declined to do another ct scan within 6 months after having already two in June and Sept respectively. I asked any point in doing ca marker. To which he asked whatever the result, would that change your course of action? These diagnostic tests would only be useful if i intend to change my course of action and if not, radiation from ct scan is not without some negative impact on the body. Actually all that he said was what that I had arrived at months ago. I credit him for being neither positive, nor negative, neither discouraging or encouraging. Few can remain so neutral. The doc at kk always had a smugness about him somehow, and like to talk about the many cancerous scenarios. One would not know much of Prof Low's experience safe that he must be, being both head and by his age and credentials online. I have this feeling I wont see him again at nuh. He gave me an open date appointment. I asked if palliative care support would be there, he said yes. When should I see them again? When all that I have done now, diet, tcm etc is not working anymore and pain, discomfort cannot sustain normal living. Usually abdominal discomfort. He did not elaborate beyond bloatedness and constipation. This made him better than the kk doc. Conspicuously, he said twice, no one knows. Only God knows. I respect him for acknowledging that.

I walked out of the clinic, feeling like crying. It feels like finalising a divorce. I have been walking this path, and by not going for the recommended treatment, this has got to be the outcome. It is almost like finalising a divorce paper. My aversion to the ways of treatment in modern medical sciences and much vaunted researches claim of success could not but lead to this. Holding on to appointments for a kind of 'security' when in actuality, I could not go along with it is really a farce. And the truth is, recurrent ovarian cancer is not curable. Treatable, but survival outcome could be lenghened/shortened by treatments with corresponding side effects that is part of the package.

I felt like a string cut off, and as one floating in the air. Its not that I am now totally cast onto the Lord. Whatever course I take, I am cast onto the Lord. He has been my stay, my staff, my guide, my comfort. I did not take this path without feeling that this is the way for me.

Prof Low also said, whatever is suited for me may not be for others. This, I have always known to. My constitution is extremely sensitive and actually frail. I have never been one that feels in good health. Ironically, there had been times even over the past months, that I felt healthy. I just knew for myself, the hospital setting is not for me. If I have to go through, I will grit my teeth and do so, as I did in my last operation. I am fully aware that every path chosen has its cost. And for mine, it may mean lesser days. But, I cannot envisage that a longer timeframe means a much longer stay at hospital, the corresponding pain from the surgery etc, and a continual chemo treatment till it no longer works....I cannot face that.

If I live past these months and managed to cross 2018, I give thanks to God. No, I do not want to prove anyone right or wrong. Seriously, whilst I may have preferences, I have learnt to respect every doctor. The arduous training they go through, the high demands of their job, the pain and suffering they see, and they being human, their errors, misjudgment are very costly. Its all so easy to make criticisms because we do not like what we hear, but actually its not their fault that our bodies are afflicted with illnesses. Of course, as in every situation, the personal touch makes the difference. But do we have it in all we do?  I have nothing but thanks for their taking time to see me.

Tcm has maximise my personal 'strength', for nature to take its course. I somehow feel I have also reached optimum here. I will keep up, for maintenance. Zh also seemed to reach the end of the road with encouraging me. He had always stressed any way that my own frame of mind is important. He is tired himself.

Yes, I am planning toward going to UK. Not to prove the other Prof wrong. He meant well. In October, I did look a wreck. I have since progressed well. The lurking discomforts are there. I take my food conscientiously, treating each meal as a duty, my medication to fight the continual battle within. Tcm has helped secure better sleep pattern and bowel regularity. I kept up 3 km walk almost daily. I realised how much teaching 2nd sem last year had helped me. This lack of direction each day I have to fight. The good thing is it does give me time for miscellaneous. But too much time for the mind to meander into melancholic grounds.

It was good to meet S and L for lunch. I did feel bad thereafter cos coming from the clinic with all my thoughts, I just shared what was in my mind. Usually, I would be able to couch it better with afterthoughts. Nevertheless, it was good company. I did send my apologies and both graciously remain kind and patient. Before we parted, I asked them to always remember 20 Jan. I do not know how many 20 Jan I will pass through. But as long as I can, I would always want to remember the boy that was so lost, he chose to lose his life 6 years ago. I do not want him to be forgotten. I hope his classmates wont.  Every child is important. I am glad both of them understood even without my explaining. In fact, S remembered so many things I said/ posted that he had read. I am gratified.

I thought of cancelling tcm thereafter, but decide not to change based on mood. I admit I also was uncertain what zh comments would be. He was for keeping up continual appointment. Whilst he could not possibly understand the wealth of thought within my mind, he did see the sense in what Prof Low said and respected him for being forthright. That is zh strength. He is able to grasp key points (when he is not in a low mood) and succinctly expressed his own. That was what that I admire him most for. He seemed pleased that I said I would be going UK in June, and that he would also confirm their dates.

Family dinner was the way it always were. sk asked, and I just said I was given open date to go as and when I want. I guess there is no point talking about all my fears and thoughts.

So 9 Jan is an eventful day without events.

7- 8 Jan 2018

A better day today than the past few days, at least the flu like symptoms seem to be kept abay and chest did not have that tight feeling, though not the burning syndrome. Kept up walk and exercise at the exercise station, spent more than an hour today. Grateful for the equipments provided. It is definitely better than just trying to do stationary biking indoors. Being out in the open has a way of freeing the mind and spirit especially when one look up and see the wide expanse of the heavens.

Was a little disturbed yesterday after PCC. I think I would need to write for the three of us our position. I hope it would not need to lead to us having to sojourn to find a place to attend for worship. I have procrastinated, and still am....but it must be done. 

Had a good finance lesson from Kuech. Alot I do not know in finance market. Want to find out as much so that I can help...Tuition yesterday was fine, and so was the session with T1 and T2. Glad its so, especially for the two young boys. It is not always so and cannot know what to expect. But I suppose being older helps. 

Did not get much done. A couple of errands that were intended were not completed. My excuse is the heavy rain and then Kuech's call and the timing of the boys. I am not using time efficiently. Thats not too good. On the whole, placidity rules. There are things that I observe and pondered. i will still do what I want to...that has always been the way I live my life. I never look for gratitude or reciprocation. Because I know what it is to 付出 and how much thought is needed to consider, I never take for granted any small gesture of kindness. And when there is disappointment, the fault is always mine. Look beyond. Some things will never change. People who care will care. Some care on the way. Thats ok, thats how everyone is. 

Today I thought if I can be at peace with myself within, there is no need to think of going away. I also do not want to live my life as if I need to grasp for the time to travel because the 'end' could be near. I should live my life the way it has always been. Seeing prof tmr. I no longer feel anything. For the past 17 months, every such meet is a time of anxiety and reaction thereafter. I feel past it. What else can he say? The trend he has said. I have not done any further tests so there is no 'results' to predict further doom. They are never interested in how one is anyway. Its always the results of tests that is the focus. So, really tmr is a non-meeting. I am going really out of courtesy for the email exchanges and to more or less state my choice? Whatever. 

Today, I feel accustomed to my own company, which I do like. I rather embrace aloneness than putting up a front. Except for that burning syndrome, actually I dont feel I am sick. I guess thats why its so hard to accept that mortality approaches. One almost think it cannot be, it cannot really be so. When I look at my cats, I tell myself I will keep up the discipline, and will fight on. In any case I have cleared the first week of 2018.

6 Jan 2018

Morning has been a little more unwell lately probably the throat and burning syndrome, picked up with the tuition both in morning (like the siblings) and afternoon. Thankful to have something fruitful to do especially teaching. Otherwise I did nothing good to anyone. Dutifully go through my routine through food, juice, fruits, puree, walk. I guess thats really my medicine. Keeping as well as I can.

Uneventful day. I remember Hariz wishing me an uneventful year. Trust him to always be different but pertinent. Car came back with service etc and me poorer. Hopefully this bout of major changes will last me some months.

Have been thinking still of getting away. Just wanting to be alone and see things and be on my own. Not sure how that actually works out. Need to block out some things. Going away helps? I dont know. At least for the moment I should be well enough to travel on my own.

Today is placid. More composed. Its not very helpful to be too perceptive and see through things. Good to be away. Alone. Me think.

4-5 Jan 2018

Meeting SL yesterday morning was an encouragement to me. Perhaps not having met and talk for a couple of years made it more refreshing. The catch up came about because he knew my condition. I told him after he made a remark on fb that he didnt believe that the last teaching stint would be my curtain call. Yes, I did wish it didnt. But it would be for a purpose. And he asked me if I considered writing. In talking about it, I found a little direction....its following up. I passed him my translation of Beatitudes and Colossians today. I hope somehow it would reach somebody that would be blessed by this small labour I had done some 16-17 years ago, a work that I had put in my whole heart, never to dream that everything should be subsequently thus shattered. How I walk through those years....

The journey these two days continue to meander. I managed a good hour of exercise and walk yesterday, and pressed on just an hour ago to complete the walk in the night. It should be a good 2-3km. Hearing from ws was a bonus. One of the few young friends that somehow understand my inward voice. 知音者。I admit that battling the conflicts within actually takes more out of me than the present circumstances. There are times I wish for a companion that understands that would walk quietly with me, allow my tears to flow, allow me to feel sad for all that I would miss, that would hold my hand, put an arm round me, and not say anything. I am tired of being told to take care, to be positive etc. How much more had not I done? I have done as much as possible so I wont be a burden, I wont be cause of worry, so I could be as well as possible for my cats sake. I admit I am tired of zh telling me that all is in me to help myself, that I am better etc. I am tired. I am tired. Actually his being distracted and down is obvious. Anyway what else can he say? He has already done his best as it is.

I am torn between wanting to give up, and just let go. But I think of T and B. As long as I am around, they will have a safe and loving home. And I need to be able to respect myself. I will never respect myself for being a burden. For giving in to self-pity. For giving up in a fight that would work for the good of some. For I still believe that my existence is still of value to others. To those that I do matter.
To those special in my heart, I would wish I matter more. Perhaps when I am gone, I would be better valued? I dont know. But, I know for ky and ls, I would always be that special someone.

All my life, I feel alone. But for the Lord who love me and drew me and cause me to believe in Him. For which, I continue to love and love unconditionally despite the much pain. And to this moment, I struggle. I considered going away for awhile. I have Penang and NZ and UK, though UK I will plan for June. Will it help? I know every day in Japan, I feel the conflict within me. And waiting to be back. I know where my heart is.....earthly affections.... Still, its nothing like what it had been some years back. I must just get myself to start out on my writing.

Have been having random how are you messages from people that are really fairly remote, some really out of touch for more than 5 years. I guess they probably have heard and I guess its humanity to want to say something. In the past, I would somehow keep people away. But, I guess, I do not want anyone to have regrets. Hariz was very sweet when he reminded me to let people do things for me. He told me to see it as doing them a favor. I know. I told him I know. Yet there are those special few that I would wish would spend more time with me, that would sit by me, but knowing what the pace of life is, and knowing everyone has their own life to live, I dare not ask. I never feel its fair to lay that kind of burden on others, to stretch themselves because of my own limitation in time. Its almost like a blackmail. If they have the time, they will on their own accord.

I dont know. Have not felt brilliant possibly with the mild throat discomfort and cough. As it is, I have fought off the flu bug well not to go down in the full bout. The burning syndrome is quite uncomfortable. Yet somehow in company its mitigated. Its really not easy being alone. But I guess its true, its worse with people that can make life more miserable. At least i have liberty, and that I cherish.

Sorry for a not happy post. I will pick up. Because....I am me.

3 Jan 2018

Visited Uncle Tan's herbs farm as arranged last week with ky and Mr Tang. Its really quite far, 1 hr by mrt and another 20 min via cab. It would have been just a visit except that Mr Tang had told UT about my condition and somehow he expected me to consult him. I am not one that go about seeking for this/that remedy. In fact el told me about some essential oil remedy and tn also down with the same issue as me. Whilst I truly believe in the effects of natural herbs etc, I am very hesitant of all the claims of remediation.

Very kindly, he gave me plenty of advice including concoctions. I did feel I should give it a try though I have reservations in some things. I would have liked to find a place of restfulness in the rurality and had hoped this would be a provision. Apart from the fact that it is far, I guess I am not so inclined to go to someone who has people coming in to consult for various ailments. I do think he is gifted with his knowledge of herbs and there is much to learn and imbibe. Its probably I am uncomfortable with unverified claims. Nevertheless I have given my word to come for at least a couple of times to help him with some translation as a form of voluntary work and also to see how I adapt to the 'countryside' of Singapore.

Went to zap partly because of some parking summon issue but would have done so as i would not want to take anything without consultation with zh. He wasnt in the best of mood from my observation but he definitely has wisdom and balance. He is aware of 2 out of the 3 herbs mentioned in the concoction and pointed out that there is a need for me to watch against allergy and level of toxicity /effect that may be present in the remaining herb that is mainly tropical which he is not familiar. He is actually very knowledgeable and usually does not speak beyond what he knows. He agreed I should give it a try, but would prefer if I know how many cases the concoction work for and not just his claim. I agree but then....well, its not possible. But still the herbs which we both checked is for the purpose it claims.

Zh put up an article in wechat of a senior doctor questioning the concept of early detection and early treatment of cancer based on statistic analysis. Yes, I realised hard as I fight, I am also mentally trapped within the framework of statistics and general trend. Though I have managed to stand on my ground against the many aspects of medical sciences that I am not uncomfortable with, nor do I wish ever to do any surgery again if I can help it, I have been unable to shake off the weight of the 'knowledge' of the general scope and 'expectations' of the disease. Zh has always said that medical science should focus on patient and not disease. That he continues to hold against the tide. That I have come across someone that upholds what I wish for more than myself, I am very blessed. I know his unhappiness over my constant trapped state. I hope to be able to break out of it, and cope with the discomforts positively and not be bound by issues of survival outcome etc. I remember that I had always question that. Now I must live it. Even if it be so that things spiral down, it would be that my health fails to fight against the disease. I would need to be more conscientious and pull myself together to work on having a healthy frame mentally and physically.

Above all, I feel the goodness of the Lord to cause me to trust in him in his provisions and to help me not to be trapped by hospital system and the present medical science system. May the Lord be merciful to me to grant me wisdom and courage, and O cause that my life would still bear fruit, and that I would yet be a blessing to others.

Did not feel too brilliant today cos I think in pulling my shoulder yesterday, it had caused a band of discomfort that may be the reason why I was more breathless in more walking. Sleep position also hurts. So is the achy left pelvic. And the same urinary issue. Bloatedness wasnt prominent since I was taking porridge today. Burning mouth syndrome remains distracting. B2 text me about P. Spoke to P. I guess it would take time for him to get out of the rut. At least he is taking it positively.

Ended the day with tuition. What better thing to do than to teach! :)

2 Jan 2018

Sleep continues to be good, but I think its cos of the tcm. Went for tcm today. Appreciate the time and effort to see to all the discomforts. I know he feels I should not be pessimistic and I should not be worried about seeing the Prof next week. O well.

Cannot say it is a fruitful day. A cold day, and with Rosa here as well, and siblings dinner at night, basically, i have done nothing much. Was trying to work out about going NZ, but in the end I think, it would be pushing too much travelling. I should just focus on going UK in June.

I am no better or worse compared to yesterday. The urinary urge is there, but again its not unmanageable. So is the pelvic ache that usually subsides significantly after acupuncture. Bloatedness had been more pronounced the past week, but clears again with tcm so food intake is still maintained. Actually the burning mouth syndrome can be the most distressing as it can cause one to feel abnormal and unwell. I would pat myself on my back for not complaining and just describing the symptoms when zh asked me.

The just shall live by faith. Yes i must walk by faith and not by sight. Its true the foreboding warnings etc weigh in me. But I have a better hope, a better resurrection. I must live each day well, and must not be limited by the pronouncement of man. I know the doctors mean well and they are just describing the norm as is their duty to. I am not hoping for miracle, but I guess as zh says, we are not machines that have a set pattern. Each body responses differ.

I must be brave and walk on, and bear afflictions with patience. I just need to consider the sufferings of the Lord and then its all nothing. I hope, I hope for my cats sake, for ky and ls, I would have more days. As my days are, so shall my strength be. The Lord grant me mercies I pray.

1 Jan 2018

I am back. And glad to be. Whilst I did wish I had written some of my thoughts over the past months, yet it is needful to be quiet for awhile.

2017 has been a memorable year. From the moment I could do a semester of teaching at Nushs, I really felt the special mercies and kindness that God has shown to me. I admit I also wondered if this was an omen to the end in sight, especially when the recurrence occur in September. It was rough going through the agony of decision making and it was the colic episode and the hospitalisation that led to the decision finally made. Not that it was firmly made without wavering but it did become more certain. And after that, it was event after event, from Sound of Music, to Cameron Highlands/Penang to SB, P and C visit to Japan. And with the many meetups, via Dora I found Ms Wee, my Primary 6 teacher that cared for me! And the PTM at nushs led to meeting 1987 yl that led to the reunion of my first batch of form class. I cannot say how much all the reconnection, meetups of caring friends and colleagues had done for me. I ended 2017 on an even keel, with reflections, and moving forward. I also ended 2017 closing two 贝壳 stories, painful as it is, but bearable because they are the love of my life. Given the challenges ahead, not knowing if I would see the end of 2018, I must put all these behind and run the remaining race well. Most major things I need to do in 2017, I have done so. Making the video of the year is actually a very poignant, both happy and sad, and emotional for me. I thought capturing them this way is a positive note for my family and friends.

I have decided that I should continue a journal if possible daily of this last phase of my journey in this earthly pilgrimage for whatever days the Lord would give me, and here should be the place I should return for this has been my companion in many dark and lonely time and has helped me weathered so many rough patches. I just read my last post...somehow this just connect naturally to it, despite the 9.5 months gap. 

2018 has begun. I did not manage to get up to see the sunrise as intended, in any case, it was raining. Neither was the weather good enough to catch the sunset at Berlayer Creek. But it was a good walk. K very kindly accompanied on the last day of 2017 and on the first day of 2018 walking and taking dinner with me, a company I value greatly. 

I started 2018 afresh, writing emails to thank the pastors, grateful for Pastor Jeff response within the day;  then Judy's visit with her family, and the walk at BC. I am quite thrilled that MM contacted me over fb cos she saw my many likes of the Otter Watch and offer me to bring me see them! That is a lovely NY present! Pondering if I should go NZ in Jan/Feb....

Physically I don't feel bad at all. In fact quite well save for the heaviness and achiness on the left pelvic and the when rising from bed, sitting too long. Actually when occupied and with company, I did not think I have any illness. I admit fear does grip me if I think of the many what ifs ahead, but I truly trust the Lord my God with all my heart. And I truly feel I am really blessed and have so much so much more than many people. I must keep repose. 

Pastor Jeff wrote "The Lord continue to work in you both to will and to do His good pleasure." Yea, this is my prayer that this be so, that I will bear forth a faithful testimony of his goodness and mercies till the end of my days.

Thus end the first day of 2018.