message...

i am recording this to encourage myself....

received an sms from the mother of a student i knew since 2003....she subsequently dropped out of school and did her O levels as a private candidate...i taught her for 4 years, and was the longest math teacher she ever knew, and we kept in touch...she is doing her university with one of the private institutes affiliated with overseas uni...

This was the message:
"...just thinking of you today and wanted to thank God again for allowing our paths to cross. You have been a real blessing to M...She's doing really well at UB, in fact, she loves it there. Last sem she made it to the Dean's list and a research project she did with her partner may be published. Was just retracing the time before UB and remembered that it was also you who told us about the course. Thank you again for being mentor, friend and a fantastic teacher to M. ..."

M was the first child with special needs attributes I had come across. My lack of understanding resulted in many painful conflicts, and I did not want to continue with her. Except..... the girl liked me... in fact i had to take her as a tutee, cos her mother appealed to Ms Heng to ask me to help. I could not reject Ms Heng.

One episode was particularly bad...her mum rang me, and took alot of trouble to explain at length many of the traits that i did not understand, and had assumed it was irresponsibility and inconsideration.

When i realised what the parents went through to support her, I felt awful, for my ignorance and the hurt i had caused the child. I remembered telling myself, i am only seeing her a couple of times a week, and that is nothing compared to what the parents have to bear. I later took her out after her exams and had a good chat. That sealed it, and I was determined to see her through her education pathway....

Looking back, the girl is probably what US education literature would call a twice exceptional kid, some special needs trait, but exceptional in literary ability. That she is doing so well there, is not unexpected to me.

Her mother thanked me. But actually, i should thank her, for teaching me to understand every kid, for loving her child with such receptivness...its such a pleasure to receive such a message...especially at this time....

there are so many billows bashing within me, i am just going to write the multitude of thoughts within me....... yes, they are not quite coherent, and disjointed... but i am still going to write...
=================================

i acknowledged i have been very discouraged, disturbed by the differences in attitudes of young people, or rather indifference in attitude....

one student asked me, why do you bother with those who dont want to help themselves? i asked her, do you realise the societal impact, if everyone adopt that argument?

==============================================
Economics is my major in Uni, and my favourite subject. I also admit that I am sad when students take a negative attitude towards the subject for whatever reasons, valid or not. For myself, I rarely like/dislike a subject because of a teacher.

From Economics, i saw the wise planning of those who had designed the growth and development of this small nation. In my time, i did Economies of developing nations, and Singapore was then emerging from the status of a developing nation...I did not blame the government for recession, I saw the susceptitbility of our small country. It affected me. Deeply. I suffered pay cut, at a time, when my parents depended on me. As the only 'graduate', I was the only one contributing significantly. But my take home pay was less than a thousand.

I knew the virtue of hard work, and worked very hard. No one need to teach me these things. When I didnt work hard, and failed, I knew it was my fault. When i couldnt afford, i didnt envy. I couldnt afford. Thats it. What i dont need, i dont buy. When I have, i just want to make others happy.

When i started teaching, i put alot of hope in my students. I didnt want them to 'fail' like i had through lack of discipline. When i realised i hurt some of them through unreasonable unexpectations, I re-examined my values, and adopt a more positive, constructive approach. I realised values are more important than seeming success. And I want the kids to have 'happiness' that i didnt have.

And it was a generation then, that did appreciate.

=======================================
What happened in this interim? The repercussion of decisions...against the tide of warning....and in many ways, one saw the inevitable coming....

I now saw, what i had written in my economics essay on developed nations , of the rich getting richer, the poor getting poorer in my own country. But is the poor, really getting poorer? Or is it just that the gap is becoming so wide? Yet is it, really?


The big conglomerates have actually made alot of things extremely affordable. More people can have it, so everyone is happy, and more importantly, wealth increase. The government in their push for economic progress, made broadband,IT infrastructure easily available. So, computer games, 3G, 4G, and with them all the filth come in. And as if not enough, casinos are at the door step, with astounding architecture structure to support. Everything must be seen in 'holistic' view.

Is it? Decadence are at the doorstep. And Who is going to reverse this? Or even can it be reversed? Is all that 'economic' growth worth the destruction to so many untold families? And with such pursuit of materialism, where is the corresponding increase in moral standards?

At one time, to own a car, you have to have at least 20 to 30% cash, that cant be borrowed. I agree totally. In fact, i am for COE/ERP whether as a driver or non-driver. There is a price for everything. You want something, you worked for it, and pay for it when you have the means. Not by borrowing. I only borrowed to pay for my first flat. I couldnt afford, i didnt buy furniture, i didnt have air-con. And my parents came first. And paying off my debt.

But somewhere along the line, someone tweaked it, resulting in this present unbelievably high price of COE. And someone actually said, the reason why is because Singaporeans can afford it. The price is far, far far too high, creating such a great divide. So, this is "market" forces?

I was shocked at the way banks touted for people to borrow by credit or any other way making things appear so 'affordable' to hook the young. But i blame the young for falling for it. I used myself as a standard. What else can i measure?

And when i see even highly intelligent kids being hooked on computer games, and all sorts of IT related activities to relieve the boredom, I feel sad. Very.

And when I see the damage caused to the less able, leading to restlessness, ill-discipline, I ask myself, what's happening? What can be done? What else can be done? ....show me how... i really want to know....

And I am not one that believe in complaints. Yes, i detest those who hide behind online platform to voice their vaunted views, laughing and sneering at others, and with vulgarities. It is easy to tear down, show me what you have done, what you have constructed, and that known only between you and your conscience.

And when kids complain and complain....you know where they learnt it from, the role models ~ the adults.

=====================

It pains me to see so much needs to be done, but i have no energy to do them.

It pains me to see how what had been built well by the right hand, being brought down by the left hand of the same structure.

And there are so many that treat ordinary common sense with scorn, and derision, as if 'titles' and accolades are the fountains of wisdom.

There are many things, i would have told you, i told you so, not once, not twice, but many times. I didnt stand by to watch the 'fall'. But to what avail?

===================

yes, i am tired. Very Very tired.

And sad, very very very very sad.

==================
And this is how i encourage myself:

If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking by Emily Dickinson

If I can stop one heart from breaking,I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

I dont want to live long.

But i dont want to live in vain.

thoughts...

i respect one that has the courage to acknowledge wrongdoing so absolutely, and bear the weight of it....alot of respect........ and it shows, values and principles were there.... i only hope society will be merciful and give a recourse for the days ahead....

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i am sometimes confused abt the role of mass media....i like to read good thought provoking articles...and yes, i also like to know the news.... but shame, and 'excess' coverage with no regard to irreparable dameage is really abhoring.... i remembered voicing this to scy nearly 20 years ago, when she took the sph scholarship... and she subsequently had to do some form of coverage, and did write to say, she is aware she had to do so, whilst remembering the viewpoints i had raised. But passed the initial stage, she went on to serve well as a journalist to speak for the plight of the less fortunate. I was really proud to see her courage and that she remained true to what she were as a student...

yes, if only there are many more of her around....

=============

alot more thoughts, but really too tired to write. with the mid year exams round the corner, i have given up my 4 day work week....its now 6 day seeing the few kids that are trying to help themselves.... its much more uphill than i had thought...there are alot more distractions compared to 6 years ago....then, computer game was the main 'enemy'...now there is hp, and most are 'smart'...., and so many more have 'tutors'.......values and circumstances have changed so much.....i darent think what things would be like in ten years....honestly, i wouldnt wish to be around to see....of course one can turn one face to see only what one wants to see....

============

when tired....dont think....sleep....

somehow....

somehow, somehow....that feeling...like what it was at the start of this year weighs heavily.... the end is nearing.... its a matter of how near....it was exactly how i felt when i saw him then...and it happened 17 days later....

now the same horrible weight, the second this year..... i am terribly sorry, she is young early 40s.... and she is really not ready for it...i dont know what to say to her.... it will hit ls very hard, and i worry for her eyes...

i sometimes wish i dont seem as strong as people somehow think i am. its the way i carry myself. i cant let go. dont know how. i only know, i have to stand by her, and look after her and ky to the end. at such a time, i remembered those very very hard times, when i stood by so many and they said they will care for one another to the end... yes, WHERE ARE YOU?

================================

somehow, i am back to the phase of wearing that 'arrogant' look, that 'keep your distance' look. cant blame me. i need to. i dont have the energy to care or look after more than those i need to. people who envy me never saw what i never allowed any to see. and why should i? I am me. ===============================

i have to admit, when teaching is focused on worrying how their future will be impacted by results, and that is dependent also on you... it is a heavy weight. today the kids wrote a card...dont give up on us... i wont....they are quite lovable... but they dont realised, that it is easy to write, we will work hard...in actuality, having the will power to do so is another matter....and the weight gets heavier, when they trust you because they cant trust themselves....and you know you can help, if only you have that energy also....

somehow, when you see so many things... u wonder.... what seemed important, is it really so?

and i dont like battles and conflicts.... actually, withdrawing would have been the easier way... every battle takes alot out of me.

must hang on till end oct.

sigh. i am tired.

random updates....

yesterday, there was an article in ST from many my generation paying tribute to Rediffusion. its remarkable how similar our thoughts are, each from different walks of life, having the same memories of the simplicity of life in something so simple as a 'brown box', that add that spice into our lives....honestly, i still feel, our life was much richer for it, compared to this technologically dominated world these days....o well....
=========================================

it seemed strange that almost immediately after i state that i have been quite placid these days, that things took an explosive turn.....it took me a couple of days to regain composure..... i am not a person given to triggers of moods, particularly in teaching itself. My focus is usually very clear. But I guess, it was too clear to myself, and somehow i have failed to see the gap..... perhaps my expectations were unrealistic? perhaps i had hoped for too much? i dont know. But it was a big blow to me, and i couldnt speak about it to anyone...actually, i still hadnt relate what happened. To me, talking about it is not the point. What went wrong? Why? And really, i wanted to give up. But i am bound by my promise...

thankfully, some of the kids took steps to mitigate, which i totally didnt expect. Such initiative is rare, and well, i dont see it often in the past years.....And i was touched by the sincerity. There are apologies that are given just to get out of a situation. But unreserved sincere apology is unmistakable, not only seeing what went wrong, but analysing the cause, considering for others, and wanting to move forward. I did not expect that. And that makes all the difference.

And that gave me the motivation....yes, to start again..... dont give up..... it will pay off ..... be positive..... charity never faileth.... i will be positive tomorrow, and start again.... actually, with kids, i will give them ten thousand chances, if only they really want, and will keep trying....

=======================================

fb has provided the avenue to follow the diverse pathways of the kids, whether in ns, in their uni outcomes, their sch actitivities, ups and downs etc....dont know whether its good or not, to follow so closely.... is it teacher instinct or a maternal kind of concern has taken over?

in a few months, the girls will have all their confirmed decisions, and stepping into different realms....the boys, most of them will still be in ns.... reading of mishaps does make one worry .... but its their growth and their duty... all of us has a duty to our family, our nation....i am actually very glad that most of them have taken this very positively and really want to prove themselves. Nation building is not built on complains and grouses. It is built on a communal spirit and responsibility, rising over the differences, and strengthening bonds. And true care is also based on sacrifice...and i know, the two years is a sacrifice, although a compelled one, it is to be valued....actually, i am very proud of the boys...:)

i do not intrude especially when they are at critical decision making period....views had been given....and views need not concur.... as i said to st, its not life and death...seriously, it is not. When you know whats life and death, you know all these are not....passing critical moments that can be turning points or points of inflexion, and you still live on. How happy you choose to be, how positive, how grateful lies within your own heart. Happy is the person that can see beyond and over...

then, my other batch that is now in year fours.... another special batch....

must really be getting old, to remininse like that.....

===================================
was telling chris today, perhaps, after the O level this year, i will take a total break from schools for at least 6 months. Focus on completion of dissertation (sigh, prob extend for anr sem) and maybe do my grade 6 exam....

sometimes u think u want to do that much, u want to contribute, u want to pass on.... but really, must u? need u? does it make a difference? especially when the strength of youth is gone.... visited ls sister at sgh just now... and u see the reality of life and death....

actually, i am really contented to have an end to my earthly pilgrimage. I really have run my race. I havent attained much. But i have not hidden my talent. I have done my best, and have considered most above myself. Its not out of weariness and hopelessness, although the fear of being a burden is ever present.

I should really take a true break, and put tie up loose ends, and spend time with T n B and with nature...

But, at this moment, just between now and May.... the deadlines are a plenty....sigh....

Rediffusion

Rediffusion days will end in April. This post is a tribute to this 'box' in my childhood...

I remembered very vaguely how this little box got 'fixed' in a position in the living room. But it was movable, connected by wire and followed mum often to her room.

From this little 'box' came my source of music, and source of marking time.... there were many serialised stories, but the one that i remembered most was the one man story-teller, wan dao, every nite from 845. It was in hokkien. I cant remembered when i start following the serial, about 8 or 9 years old. Quite young. I remembered mum being taken aback about that, that i could understand and follow the story. The hokkien was a high level, educated version. And the story would be those of the pugilistic world, written by jin yong, or gu long.

not too long ago, i noted some fb remarks abt the Heaven sword and Dragon Saber series that was screened. I was amused that the kids were following a serial of my childhood. I remembered watching a show based on this novel. But it was incomparable to the narration of wan dao. I think it was a direct reading from the novel.

In many ways, this little box was the consolation of my life in my childhood. It opened up a different dimension, a different world from the realities of life at home. It also trained my auditory skills, and concentration, and laid a good foundation to the chinese language that many to this day, commended me for. I always opposed the killing of dialects, and really that is a tragic loss to culture.

In those days, having a rediffusion was considered a 'luxury'. I remembered primary schoolmates 'envied' me for having that at home. And the programs broadcast were deemed better than those on radio. This was a private enterprise. Radio and TV then were directly government run, i think.

kids in this present day will never understand how little we had at our times. Every book i can lay hold of, i read.... i was almost the only one that borrowed library books, especially chinese books when i was inprimary school. And the rest of the time, it is listening to this 'box' . We didnt follow the english programs, and i wasnt interested in them either. And such a simple source is that which ignited my imagination. It was never boring. I felt for every character, and weaved different endings. And i actually like the dialect operas particularly the cantonese ones.

my favorite story-telling time ended with the speak mandarin campaign, as did all dialectal programs. I know many older generation folks at that time found it hard to forgive the authorities for this....and really, i dont blame them....having authority doesnt entitle one to attempt to cut off one's inner roots and 'engineer' social directions.....that was folly and the price of such actions is already surfacing in the non-cohesiveness and divide over the have's and have not. I saw that folly as a kid, and it never fails to amaze me that 'authoritarian' kind of attitude in 'management' are still present, even with those that has never been under tough authoritarian regime. How foolish! I use management, cos using 'leadership' would be a gross misnomer.

i digress...

my interest in the little box waned over time....and as expenses had to be cut down....mum decided to end the rental...cant quite remember when.....i was against it...but well, the programmes werent what it used to be....and honestly dad never liked it. He was too 'atas' for that. actually, only mum and i took on to it.

Whilst it did not feature anymore in my life, it was my faithful childhood companion.... and like those in my times, that had expressed their regrets over its impending demise, I feel very much for its end. My life would have been much poorer without it. It had played an important role in the formation of childhood values, and gave me a window of relative joy....

This is my incoherent but heartfelt eulogy for Rediffusion. I am sorry to see its end. Very sorry.

updates....

its been quite some time....

alot to update in the sense of alot of thoughts. Not in the sense of alot of happenings.

This is midway thru april. completed one module, and actually the last 'nite' module. In some sense, it has been a relatively easier path than i had initially thought. Perhaps crashing 4 modules last sem took the weight. Am sure i wont do well for this module. Made a serious mistake in assignment. Was perturbed about it for some time. It shouldnt have happened. Not going to give reasons/excuses.

I remembered ht reminding me to set my priorities rite in March, to remember why i chose to do part-time, mainly for this masters. But when it come to the crux, i guess.... well...anyway thats over. One last 3 day module over june with the corresponding heavyweight assignment....then really no more structure....my own 'flight' or 'crawl' in the dissertation....o well, lets see...

==========================
sch has stabilised alot...even the long journey seems ok now. hope to spend more time with the kids the next 2 weeks....

when people asked me if i had problem adjusting... actually...apart from the distance, and the initial settling in, the teaching process remains a happy one for me....except it is much slower to see progress....but i really believe it will come. Its going to get more intense as it builds toward the main exams end oct/early nov.

To be honest, this is what i didnt like... focusing on an exam system....but at least it is an objective system of measure, without which how does one know competency before the next phase? i suppose a necessary evil...and the motivating factor for them....i just want to help the kids tide through with more options...

alot of things to re-think.... but the truth is, there is no 'perfect' system...

=========================
T n B havent been well.... and they can be so moody....tummy unwell...sneezing...dripping nose...coughing.....

they get so moody... vacillating from needing so much attention...to isolation and hibernation.... o well... just be there for them....

Brownee was coughing for a couple of minutes a few days ago....tiger came up to see her.... and he really looked concern, and went over to clean her face.... its nice to see, that even with animals, there is that love for siblings....its sweet...

========================
got a camcorder today....preparation for getting my research data when i finally get started... its really a step up for me in technology!

The good thing over this time is, i may feel unsettled or disappointed, but i dont feel distressed or upset ( except over T n B) over work or study. There is nothing new under the sun, and everything is vanity of vanities.

Perhaps its age. Perhaps its seeing things from a different perspective. Perhaps its less intense cos, i suppose there is a distancing, and not being so involved.

Whatever, headaches have reduced significantly, at most once or twice a week, and usually settled by a single panadol. This is a big gain. Having at least 6-7 hours of sleep is obviously very helpful.

=========================
quite a few of the kids hae passed out from being recruits in ns. had wanted to go for thier POP, but a variety of factors intertwined, and i didnt.... i did want to....see them growing to manhood...

and they all got their posting and another phase begin for them. looking back...its more than 4 years with them...whatever anxieties for each of them, each must grow through the tough times... in some ways, i view them like Tn B....and as they grow up, i also realise there is little that i can do for them.... its like seeing fledgins leaving their nests.... they must fly.... and soar....

i guess, the only little thing i can do, is to be there, when they need that little chat, that little pat....and to be able to do that.... i am contented.

This lot has really been the special ones in my life, when i came out of the long tunnel...and they have brought a lot of joy to my life with their genuineness, unpretnetiousness, and spontaneity. i am content.

I hope each and every one of them will rough it up, grow up, and be safe and in due time, contribute to society for the next generation.

other philosophical thoughts...but will write on other posts....

Angry...

I must write this...

I am very angry with the resolution passed by the Yale University faculty members, especially more so, with the forthcoming collaboration with nus.

First of all, let Sinaporeans resolve issues themselves over time, and this had and did happen. Secondly, the opening of the mind transcends past individual countries and, so, what is the relevance to do this? Thirdly, the tone of condescension in the name of concern, is not welcomed. And, indeed rather 'uncivil' .

That they see the need to pass such a provocative resolution leaves one skeptical and uncomfortable with how much seeds of contention will arise in the name of "civil liberty" and "political freedom" under Liberal Arts (???)Seriously, given our small and highly vulnerable frame, this is not what is appreciated and needed when so many more vital issues are at stake to the welfare and continuity of the nation.

And these Yale professors should note that the 'so-called history' of Singapore they refer to, for which they express 'concern' is but a tiny fraction of their long illustrious history of 'civil liberty' that arose from centuries of conflicts between their 'new settlers' (in this present day, what would that be called?) and the original inhabitants of North America, and their attempt in 'civilizing' the native americans by various means, that may not be respected or accepted. Now they have attained somewhat to that civilised superiority, i suppose they therefore feel they have to 'rise to the occasion'. To make what difference???

I am nowhere near being an intellect of any calibre, but at least I know mutual respect and civility takes precedence over 'freedom'.

I must say, i am very disappointed with this, before the start of the collaboration....

no time to write....

No time to write....

ironically cos so much to write....deadlines...and deadlines....

==========================

'visited' mum and dad today with sk, bil, zg, zl....

grateful for bil's consideration ...

and i miss dad and mum.... very much....

========================

and i realise

i really miss

nush community....

last week's gathering which stretched 5 hours... the discussions .... exchanges ....

and the various chats/emails/updates on fb with the kids, following their ups and downs in their various applications...

its really one community that somehow there is this affinity and bond... not just a heart thing... also of the mind...

well, at least, i have been part of them....