心声

4 Dec
The chinese language is a lovely language. Two words can express such a depth of words that cannot be done in English. Like 心声。If you translate it the voice of the heart, it still miss the nuance that these two words carry. Definitely from the heart. Its a sound, rather than a voice. The sound that is heartfelt? Heartfelt is close in meaning, but it is an adjective, not quite there.

What is in the heart? Many many thoughts....

For some reason or other, I don't seem to have enough time to do what I want, and yet there are times, that I am afraid of time that I could do what I want. I guess, its because those things I do is usually done on my own. And I have to admit, I do not like being alone that much anymore. I am also much slower somehow....

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 17 Dec

Quite quickly another two weeks have passed.

I have learnt to accept the way each day works out, with little or with much. Rarely with much.

The planned trip to ZX organic farm took place on 6 Dec. It was something I wanted to do since I had good memories of it when we went in 2010 Dec. But nothing really can be replicated. It was a good trip. But not the same. Not the same as that in 2010. Not the same somehow from the last 3 years year-end excursion trip. Without K, THC and LSC, each with family matters, all true nature lovers, its different. Still, it was good to see sy having a good time with her family.

There have been situations at B2's side.....and it has an impact within. But different as it would have been in the past. I take things differently now....part of the reality of finiteness and closeness to the sense of finiteness. But I saw how happenings more than 6 decade ago has its effect to this day....

There had been more meet-ups and that has been good. Saw LH end Nov and it was good. Had a lovely time by the sea at changi end with dc. Its been a long time since we had such a good chat. Not that we didnt over this year, its just being by the sea does so much for me. Always comfortable company also.  Breakfast meet with ws, ht, kyc and ld was good too. Long time since we have a comical banter. Saw wc back from nz yesterday. 30 years.

Its hard to write healthwise. In some ways, there is recovery. In some ways, there are uncomfortableness. For the moment, just wait and see till the next review two weeks away. Meantime, I learn to live very much crying to the Lord moment by moment. It can be trying especially to know what to do in wisdom. My strong aversion to western methods of intrusive investigations (including all kinds of radioactive scans) make me very much more dependent on the Lord, to help me bear the discomforts, whilst finding relief in what nature may have. I am grateful for some relief via tcm and especially thankful to zh for his support for my position. I know its a weight on him to do what he can, when I have been quite adamant about some things. I have my own reasons and thoughts and its not easy to explain. I can only say it has formulate over a lifetime. I do hope to keep as well as possible, taking all necessary care as naturally as possible. The rest I can only pour out my heart before my God, and trust that he will lead me through to the end. I hope for more days to take care of T and B, and also for Ls sake. I know I mean alot alot to her and in some ways, I am all she has a soul confidante. The Lord knoweth our frame and our needs. I can only trust in him.

There is so much still in my heart that remains unsaid. Sometimes I want to write to all those that I love so much within my heart. But, time and energy is a constraint. I admit I also hope, I can be there for them yet, for as long as possible.

Also I definitely do not want to leave a pain, and a void in the hearts of any. I wish most and pray for it, that all whom I love, and particularly those who have been so much a part of me especially these past 9 years, that they would find grace and mercy in the God of my salvation, for the Lord alone never fails.  I do not want any to grieve for me, for I know how painful grief is. No, because I love them, yes, my students too, I only want them to have good memories, and to be brave and motivated to walk their own paths well. And for now, I can only pray and pray for them. The Lord being merciful to me, I pray each day, I can still do a little good to a little someone still.

心声.....