looking for silver lining...

they say every cloud has a silver lining....whatever that is suppose to mean...in every situation, i am only thankful i can see positive elements to be thankful for...

sk via her friend manage to get a day nurse in....things seem in place yesterday tho mum looked really frail....

this morning, my migraine was bad, and i was still quite upset over why @ had to ask me yesterday abt plans for next sem....i really dont understand why @ is so insensitive....at such a time, when one does not know what the next day will bring, can i think that far? Is planning ahead so important without regard of how things are collapsing on others? the easiest and ready answer i can give is wipe my record out..........nothing new......yet i have always considered others in many of my decisions.....someday i will get over that.

Then sk called....i could hear she was panicking...mum's phlegm is bad.....and she has difficulty breathing.....i told her to hang on, I will come over....over the day, we managed to get a doc in, got phlegm sucking machine, rented bed that can be adjusted like hospital, air mattress for bed sores, not to add the oxygenator....the room has been turned into a mini hospital. Kim, the filipino day nurse was quite nice, and i must say sulis has been very commendable in coaxing and taking care of mum....

i am thankful to have the means to see to all these....and very thankful for kim and sulis...honestly i find it hard to see mum suffering when they try to extract out the phlegm. And gets confused over all the things and decisions to be made. Tho bil can be rather loud, i am thankful he help made a few decisions. i can see sk is not resting well, and would have difficulty hanging on without cracking. and i am really very very very tired...

yet in all these, i am thankful for every kindness and helpfulness. whether it is sulis, kim, inda our filipino and indonesia help (honestly they are better than our own locals) or the people from rainbow who sent all the medical stuff and set up for us, true they earn from us, but at least they respond quick and are helpful.....and today B1 was here, zg and zl and bil, so there was alot of manpower....

i must say i am at a loss over what to do the next few weeks.... by priority i should stay home. yet i dont know what to do if i was to stay home. i also dont know what is best each day....basically, we know death is lurking around....dont know when, dont know how....mum told the doc today to give her a jab and let her go, she doesnt want to go suffering....but doc thinks it could be infection, pleural infusion that can be treated still, so not wise to give sedation at this point....

i really dont know; its a relief in a way when it is postponed..but it is painful to see her suffering...i would have to stay over at sk's place once any instability happens again...cant leave her to face it on her own. and my judgment as at this moment is still intact.

i just want to be thankful for this day that has almost come to an end...that we have stood together to help mum tide through another day.... that we have had help from quite a few sources...that truly is silver lining......

as at this moment, i hope after taking the rest tonite, i can continue to do a little good tomorrow....and keep looking for every silver lining....

i wanted to set up this blog so that i can record my thoughts, to encourage myself, to encourage others that some day may go through the same trial... I have always told my students since i started teaching some 25 years ago....esp when they didnt do well and feel they cant achieve their dreams...I always told them, you are the only one that can block your own way....as a chinese saying goes, paths are paved by the steps of man.....

this was how i encourage myself also....i will keep walking and paved out a path.......

and yes i miss 403s cheerfulness that really help me carry on last year.....

Friends....

A few persons touch me the last two days, and taught me many things about friendship.....



Volks got into trouble, barely 2 weeks before she will be exchanged for C4. Not that i am happy about the exchange..I really like volks...but she was giving me alot of problems and it is really time to change as it no longer make economic and practical sense....but she was unhappy, and flashed her warning signal. lcl was catching a ride from me to mrt, but i had the feeling volks was not going to be cajoled. thankfully ncl was still around, and my first call for help.



after discussion, we decided its best to send volks to mechanics at pandan loop. its ten min drive...shd make it. ncl said he will 'escort' me. lcl followed him and he drove in front of me. i knew volks was getting weak and true enough at pandan loop junction, she refused to move. ncl was just in front at the traffic light. He stopped his car, and came down to help direct traffic held up by volks. I didnt quite know what to do, and contacted mechanic. They took quite awhile to come..both ncl and lcl stayed with me.

I felt really bad. I told them since mechanic is coming, i will be able to handle...actually not true, i really felt awful and really wanted to cry, but i didnt want to be a burden.....

i saw ncl hesitated...but he decided he will stay on...mechanic men came and managed to revive volks......its just another 4 minutes drive...surely volks will hold up, so i bravely said yes, i will drive on, and ncl said he will still escort me... this time lcl got into my car...i think they saw i was not steady....tho i was still calm...


to get to mechanic workshop, we needed to go up a stretch of highway and make a u turn down....and at the U turn, ncl turned, but traffic light turned red, and volks wont move anymore. and there were 2 huge trucks behind....honestly i was too tired to feel anything....lcl got down and tried to tell the drivers behind....the men behind got down, and talked to lcl...they wanted to push my car to make the u turn and get to the other side of the road....they were really friendly malays...i couldnt lock the gear to neutral, and they shook the car, and somehow it worked....they told me dont worry, we know what to do....by then, i was rattled also, so lcl took over and they got the car the other side of the highway....i then called the mechanic again...and waited. lcl tried to entertain me with stories.i know its his way of showing he cares...

meantime ncl called and realised volks wont move again....

after awhile, i saw ncl walking toward my car....he came back to look for me and parked his car somewhere down the highway and walked back to where i was....

i cant say how touched i was that he did that. He really neednt. I told him i have called the mechanic. Honestly no one can do anything....but he did the one thing he knew i needed....moral support by his presence....

i was worried for his car which he just left by the road...he did that earlier, then volks was just behind him...now no one really can do anything and its not safe along the highway....he really neednt at all do this again...

ncl's mum just died last monday. over dec his mum also went down badly, and she is only 62. both of us started term with heavy spirit.....

when i messaged him to thank him for his kindness and brotherly support, he said that was the least he could do....its strange, that the ones that do so much feel they do little.....yet there are others who could have just done a little to help alleviate distress, and wont even do that little bit...

i am very sad to end my companionship with volks in such an unceremonious way...and really wished she wont play up at such a time when i really need her as C4 is really not ready yet....but via her, i know who cares.....

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without volks, its not easy to get anywhere, much less to and fro school esp with laptop. Its not easy to get cab, and today it was raining cats and dogs in the evening...

i chanced into ht and he said he wld be leaving after cca so can give me a ride to somewhere convenient....i just wanted to get to where i can get a direct bus or catch a cab. ht was going to fetch his children for tuition....we always banter with one another, and 4 of us, he, me, ncl, kyc regard one another as buddies...


so we were bantering all the way to his car and it was quite rowdy and funny. Once i got in, i was more myself, and just said to him i had a traumatising time the morn. He asked what happened and i told him I saw to my mum's discharge this morning...for all my calm exterior, i was really traumatised, but had to get back to school to do what needs to be done....

ht has gone thru the period of looking after his folks...he understood....there was traffic jam....i asked him to drop me at mrt...he decided to drive me back...no amount of scolding, etcetc changed his mind...i feel bad cos his children had to go tuition on their own....

not that he did it as if he was very concerned...he just did it nonchalantly as tho it was nothing, and was joking half the way.....there was another colleague and he also drove her back enroute.....i knew he did it deliberately....his way of giving support...he told me not to think too much....

i was really touched....my migraine was really bad...not that i showed at all in school....just get on with it is my philosophy....very few can see what i truly feel inside....but people who truly care dont have to see....because they care, they give support to show they care....they go the extra mile, but feel they had done nothing.....its not that we have anything really in common....its just that people who care, just care....

i know @ doesnt care, and the truth is never cared. its obvious all along. and tho i knew it all along, because i really cared alot, it still hurts....


Wed, Mdm F (see 27 dec post) msged me...asking abt mum, then told me she has been diagnosed with a relapse...i was quite upset for her. I want to see her. I want to help her through this battle....i want to be a true friend, a friend that cares....

i have been thinking of statistics....i dont want to be just a statistic....i cant make any, much difference to many, but i dont want to see life the way people see it, so statistically....i have exceptional analytical strength....but i also know no analysis touch a soul; sometimes i think becos of my relative non-achievement, i may be trying too hard to prove i have a good mind, i can contribute....but i have always known between a big heart, and a 'big' mind, it is the big heart that makes a difference.....i must not lose sight of what truly matters to me, to chase for things that i had given up....

Truly, my soul waited upon the Lord. Give me understanding that i may live and keep thy word....and grant me strength, that i may go henceforth....

Another Two Weeks....

Yes, almost another 2 weeks later.....

Today mum is discharged....yes, she completed 15 doses of radiation............all i can say is she is 'better' now than she was admitted....but it has been very trying....mum's mind drift off now and then....for a very intelligent woman, i find it hard to take. But her threshold for suffering has always been low...actually dad was very good to her. He really spoilt her, and now we spoil her too....it seems all my life, I actually worry about her, taking care of her....yes, practically all my life...from my teens...

actually i want to cry, i badly want to cry...but sk says i have calming effect on her and is her support...so i cant cry otherwise sk will be distressed.....mum is now in semi conscious state half the time...she didnt really want to be discharged these last two days...i think she is scared, it means nothing else can be done...it means the end is near.....in that she is till very intelligent....

It was harrowing getting her back to sk's place. thankfully i decided that it should be by ambulance and not by bil's car. when we finally settled her in the room, and one cant tell how alert she is, she still remembered to say sorry to bil, for troubling him, and staying at his place....

then when i was with her a short moment, she said to me, u have been looking flustered, that will not make u steady. i said of cos I am steady, dont worry i can handle. then she said, be steady, dont cry, then u can think clearly and handle things. I said, you have never seen me cry, and i am not crying now. dont worry, i can handle things....she nodded her head....to the end, she expected me to be the boy that i never was, to take on the man's role at home....and to the end, she still thinks i am in control, and can handle things....to the end, she never knew me.....not that it matters....except i really want to cry....but i cant....but these words also show that spark in her that makes her stand out...some things she understood....must not cry....

i want to cry.....its not just her impending leaving...it is that she has been the object of my consideration all my life....i dont know how i will carry on from there when she goes either.....

i took the morning off to handle things....somehow when i return back to school....i suddenly no longer feel what i felt for it....the things that i had done with enthusiasm, with focus and direction suddenly all become meaningless. I will still complete all required duties and tasks, but somehow its no longer the same. i need to reconsider many many things and give everything the value that i know within.....

if i was to consider everything, the only meaningful part of what i am doing is to teach, to spend time with the kids....but now that is only a fraction of my time....i miss that.....meaningfully, i want to teach the less fortunate, to give a little to those who have very little....i thought of trying to stretch out to end of the year, even to next year cos of my first batch of kids here....but as at this moment, i dont think i can stretch that long.......actually, if not for consideration for others, it wont take much to walk away and not come back again to school....this is me, i am capable of that....in that mum was right, when she said i got a heart like iron....no matter how much it hurts, when i walk away, i really do.....and i have done it very very painfully more than once in my life.....

sk says mum is sleeping most of the time...without volks travelling is really a chore, and this week migraine has been tormenting....i didnt see her this evening....i never know which will be the last.......when i pick up, i must stay more often over at sk's place....

Exactly Two Weeks....

just got back not long from mt e....this has been the routine....it has been another roller coaster....expecting the worse....hoping for the best....moving on....clear only on one objective, to do all one can in whatever....

hadnt written for exactly two weeks....dunno if i would have written if i didnt run into ex-403 on friday....May, the radiologist had told me that morning one must always be prepared for anything.....i was stunned....mum was frail but she seemed better and i thought she would pull through to cny....didnt know how to react when she said that.....she is experienced, prob my age...and she reiterated that nothing is certain.....i didnt cry...dont cry easily anyway....didnt tell anyone either....

Was really dazed when i got back to school...when i walked to canteen, ran into @ who talked to me abt work...but my mind was far away...anyway that is all @ can talk about and that is the last thing i want to listen to at that moment, i no longer expect @ to be a friend anymore anyway........

i dreaded meeting more pple in the canteen...til the usual Hi, Ms C from ex-403s....that made my day.....was glad to join them for lunch - its amazing how quickly they gather together like magnets.... and quite funny to hear their nonsensical nothings.. :)....yes, it cheered me up alot.....


today sk asked me if May said anything to me, and i said no. No point. Mum did pick up quite well the last 2 days esp this morning until just now...she nearly choked on her own phlegm and she had quite a bad time whilst they tried to extract her phelgm...and was not that successful either...sk was the only one with her....when I realised, I quickly went to join sk, mum had dozed off exhausted, and sk was crying. actually sk has been quite good already but not too steady still esp when she sees mum unstable....that happened a couple of times....in such times, i handle better....sk said i have a calming effect on her... so what is the point of telling her what May said, anything can happen anytime, infection being one of the risk.......sk has grown up quite abit already.....

funny to say that cos sk is my older sister....i was suppose to be the youngest. Suppose. But all the responsibilities fell on me from young. not sure why. Mum made me take her for piano lessons, and whilst she took her lesson, I did the marketing. I was only 14? Dunno why mum did that. But it was a fact that she never liked me from a child, so i did all household chores, and bear the brunt of anger and frustrations. But strangely I always understood that mum cant help how she felt, and got used to taking care of her, rather than being taken care of.

Whatever. It is truly more blessed to give than to receive. Whatever I never received as a child would in a family, the Lord blessed me with understanding and mercies. I couldnt have more.

Today, mum said, she resented the suffering she is going through. after all, she didnt do anything bad. We encouraged her to be patient, that she will get better. But in my mind, I wondered why people think suffering had to do with being 'good' or 'bad'. I remembered saying this to a teacher older than me, some 13 years or more, when something unfortunate happen to someone, they always ask, why me? Why no one says, why not me? I realised how often how much more blessed i am compared to many. And when misfortune did befall me, no matter how bitter i may be within, i am only thankful it happen to me, and not to those I love. That in itself made me feel blessed ..... it is really more painful to see others suffering than to be the one suffering.....

actually mum is responding much better to the radiation therapy than i had expected. The tumour was pressing on her airway and when she said she couldnt swallow 2 weeks ago (4 jan), i realised one of the worst is happening...i really wasnt sure if she was going to make it; within 2 days i got everyone together to agree to go ahead with radiation therapy to try to shrink the tumour. Otherwise the only way is to feed thru tube. mum would never take that. So risk or not, it was the only option left.

This is not the first time I had to made life and death decision. When i see pple getting flustered and worked up over non-issues, in my mind, i just think these people dont know what life truly is.... in times of true crisis, how can they manage?

Whatever happens, never lose your head, nor let go your emotions...i also want the luxury of crying, of letting out the floodgate of unexpressed emotions...but at what cost? No point upsetting others....there is still alot to be done....

Now she has come through 7 out of 15 doses....i keep my mind blank, and just fill up the week with my work schedule as normal...perhaps not too normal....but life goes on for others...and one must go on....not that my priority is wrong....i am thankful the school has been very supportive, and i am able to attend to mum whenever possible....i took leave during orientation, honestly i couldnt face the jolly mood and the campfire....but was glad to hear it went well....

dunno if i will keep up record these 2 weeks....it will be critical for me...either we can take mum out of mt e and go thru cny....or we wont....at the moment, i really think she will make it....i hope she does.....

i am not down at the moment...but do know i have a tunnel to go through ahead...and not sure what is at the end of the tunnel....

Motivation

ok, not so tired today. :)

not that i didnt do anything.....did alot , alot of things.....

was thinking of what motivates me to still do the things....

dr hang spoke of internal/external motivation a few days back...for students....

i guess it is true that everyone is motivated differently and broadly speaking it is true that motivations are either internal or external.

i suppose external would include rewards, results, achievements, recognition, wealth, glory, reputation, expectations of others, even to be driven to be together with friends, family should be external motivations?

Internal motivation...values, curiosity, adventurous spirit, sense of duty, for the sake and consideration of another party, taking pride in ones own work, setting goals and standards for oneself, perfectionism, idealism, doing it unto God should be internal motivation?

Motivation by fear/expectations/no choice....are these motivations?

i am obviously one that works by internal motivation....in fact 'external' motivation has a way of putting me off. Giving of freebies, queuing up for discounts, bargaining, and at work pb......it is not that i am well off. When i was in financial difficulty, i would go for simple things, what people would call 'cheap' things; but i dont like lucky draws, etc etc from young. Not that I dont consider good offers, but it must be because I intended to buy the product and choose the time when the cost is lower. Not that i would be drawn becos of the offers. It is almost like being mindless...and this is what advertisers see through and set up traps of temptations. funny, from young, i saw through....

similarly at work, at relationships....i am averse to calculating attitude. it is not to say i dont feel disappointed when not 'recognised', esp in younger days, it really matters, not becos of 'career' climb, but more hurt, like being rejected. but i usually come round that cos in the first place it was done for the cause, not whether what was done was accepted or rejected. not nice to be rejected, but this is life. just take it.

what is the test of internal/external motivations? when the chips are down, when there is no personal gain in stall, and u can still carry on becos the work has to carry on...then the motivation is internal. i remembered reading a couple of articles of a few men who worked stoically (and not unhappily) who never took holidays abroad, and dont see anything wrong, and still remain so unassuming despite their successes...these men are few....it must be many years back, and i remembered being struck by them....

so many many years later, i am thankful my values remain unchanged. so i worked today happily. There u are, i bounced back and am 'happy' again. i have done my duty, and did my best again for today. that makes another good day.

must say my motivations are rather near-sighted though ie no goals, much less long term goals. Just happy that it is a day that i worked well....and happy to be with pussies (tiger is sprawled next to the laptop on the table)....its good to be happy with simple things....:)

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was really happy to have ky back today. this morning, tiger was meowing (he doesnt usually do that) and the meow usually mean 'hurry up, i am hungry, get in quickly'. But that was not dinner time. It was becos ky was outside. He remembered her well! And when she came in, he sprawled on the floor to get her attention, and put his head on her foot. That amazed me. He does that only to me.

Tiger is both unaffectionate and affectionate. Basically unaffectionate. Only shows his soft side with very few: me, sk, and i can see ky. I was rather pleased...

ky means alot to me. we cooked tog, baked tog, planted plants tog, buy things tog, learn music tog....true we are very very different....but 25 years is a long time, not to say the friendship was forged during very dark times....i am very glad she is back.....truly charity never faileth....

momentarily, i thought of dk....i no longer hope for reconciliation there.....but if there ever is, i would be very grateful......

of all friends, dk means the most to me.... the friend that made the most sacrifices for me, for no other reason but altruism....and that for more than half a lifetime.....that spontaneity, unspoilt friendship is rare....in fact that i have reached the level i have in teaching, i owe much to dk....whatever, i am grateful in life to have known such a friendship....
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sk says mum is good spirit today. top form, she says. But her cough was very bad last nite....i block out all thoughts...mustnt think...just push on.....i really really hope she can pass cny without discomfort.....she will be very happy if she does....so will all of us......whatever mustnt think....

tired

i am very tired. very very tired.

yes physically tired...but more. tired of always considering for others; tired of trying to do one's best; tired of thinking ahead to pre-empt; tired of keeping up standard; tired of being at the receiving end...just tired....

so tired that i actually let go and gave vent...when i usually consider and hold back, and consider...

gerlynn says pple get very emo in blogs....i dont want to. I want to be positive. I want to make each day counts... I want to redeem time and work well each day....

all it takes is a negative statement and when it hits, it hurts.....sy said if u dont regard the person as a friend, u wont get hurt....i said i will try very hard and learn not to....but it still hurts...especially when one tries so hard under trying circumstances to get things right.....

perhaps if i am not so tired, i may see things differently....

didnt want to take dinner actually, but sk says mum is coming out for dinner....at jacks place....so I pushed myself to go....when i see how frail she is, and the increasing prominence of difficulty in swallowing....it hurts even more....

however tired, when i got back....i still finished what i had to do.....no matter what, must complete my duty.

I am very tired.

New Year 2010

Must confess didnt feel very much about 'new year' this year....usually before the end of the year, i do take pains to clear up mess at home; clear bills, claims....look at diary, and best of all, calendars....my favourite...swiping up cats/kitties calendars.....

LS bought me a hanging one and a daily desk daily one....i did hang it up yesterday....but didnt do anything much otherwise. I actually attended end of year mtg without remembering to bring in the new diary to record....the first time i can remember that i forgot cos i usually get quite excited about using new diaries.

still, it wasnt altogether in the doldrums....or a sense of helplessness or foreboding...

more a sense of soldiering on, forging forward, and still the same, lets live life meaningfully....my only worry is running out of stamina.....must say it is easy to feel very tired...and that is not good when driving....have been taking regular power naps.....that 15-20 min makes alot of difference...not many however understand or know how to take power naps....those who know will know what i mean.

mum is on the whole still happy, looking forward to cny....we are really hoping symptoms will hold out till then.....increasingly it is now left mainly again to sk and myself....and S1 some mornings....i dont mind. have to admit, i prefer not to have some ties...

am quite glad to get card from ky today. very glad and relieved. I was devastated, very devastated when she just left like that in july; i was angry with myself, with LS, with school....i just felt my priority has been all wrong. I knew there was issue but didnt take time to resolve it, and all was too late....i was momentarily bitter and really very pained then. Whatever. I will never forget what I owe her, and really couldnt come to terms then.....i am really very glad for the exchanges the last few weeks...and today. That we can reconcile. She is really my most valued friend.

Looking back, it has been a year I feel most lost....never found my direction amidst the mountains of work and upheavals of life.... window smashing into carscreen...anr accident 8 days after....all those conflicts that i really hate.... and the spiral down.....twice over.....It was a year that i just ploughed and endured, and held on somehow...

Among the people I am grateful for, these came to mind....

Again 403..... when my spirit was so low so often....stepping into this class, or on the way to canteen...the greetings Hello Ms C, never fails to cheer me up. It was as if they were so happy to see me! I dont know whether they really do, but it is nice to feel u made a difference to someone....and to a class...well, its nice. :)

i must say also alot of people in sch, in particular vl and ld that are really empathetic companions, sy who always respond to my need for help; pc who always 'listen' via emails; and touches of kindess and support from sm that make alot of difference to me and help me stay on in the school that i did like very much from the start, and still do....and many other special pple in sch that make one feel loved like kyc, te, ftt, lsf.,ht, ncl, fll, lhc.....and latterly rc....yes it always matters that u mean sth to someone...

i remember when i was very down once, pc keep telling me, u have alot of friends and she wld list them, and it was helpful....

the viet trip was also very meaningful to me... and really one of the positive highlights of the year....

'shopping' for a car was also another thing quite memorial. :) must say ht and ncl were really patient with me....it took me nearly a year b4 deciding on one....

taking 6206 was also special....got to know quite nice kids and really glad to have taken that on....

so it was not a bad year, despite feeling so lost, hurt and bewildered for most parts....

2010 is not going to be easy....but i want to make it meaningful....

mum just woke....she is now talking to me abt the 'end' arrangements....dont know what to say....except to say, dont think so much...really don t know what to say....sk gone for wedding dinner with bil.....she ask to see 400H for the last time.....i told her she can see as often as she wants and she can go back anytime she wants.....actually i felt she knew all along the end is near. but i cant understand why she does not want to return back, and chose to stay with sk. I dare not ask. i dare not know why either....i dont want to think....

this is what i dread most about 2010.....