Another Two Weeks....

Yes, almost another 2 weeks later.....

Today mum is discharged....yes, she completed 15 doses of radiation............all i can say is she is 'better' now than she was admitted....but it has been very trying....mum's mind drift off now and then....for a very intelligent woman, i find it hard to take. But her threshold for suffering has always been low...actually dad was very good to her. He really spoilt her, and now we spoil her too....it seems all my life, I actually worry about her, taking care of her....yes, practically all my life...from my teens...

actually i want to cry, i badly want to cry...but sk says i have calming effect on her and is her support...so i cant cry otherwise sk will be distressed.....mum is now in semi conscious state half the time...she didnt really want to be discharged these last two days...i think she is scared, it means nothing else can be done...it means the end is near.....in that she is till very intelligent....

It was harrowing getting her back to sk's place. thankfully i decided that it should be by ambulance and not by bil's car. when we finally settled her in the room, and one cant tell how alert she is, she still remembered to say sorry to bil, for troubling him, and staying at his place....

then when i was with her a short moment, she said to me, u have been looking flustered, that will not make u steady. i said of cos I am steady, dont worry i can handle. then she said, be steady, dont cry, then u can think clearly and handle things. I said, you have never seen me cry, and i am not crying now. dont worry, i can handle things....she nodded her head....to the end, she expected me to be the boy that i never was, to take on the man's role at home....and to the end, she still thinks i am in control, and can handle things....to the end, she never knew me.....not that it matters....except i really want to cry....but i cant....but these words also show that spark in her that makes her stand out...some things she understood....must not cry....

i want to cry.....its not just her impending leaving...it is that she has been the object of my consideration all my life....i dont know how i will carry on from there when she goes either.....

i took the morning off to handle things....somehow when i return back to school....i suddenly no longer feel what i felt for it....the things that i had done with enthusiasm, with focus and direction suddenly all become meaningless. I will still complete all required duties and tasks, but somehow its no longer the same. i need to reconsider many many things and give everything the value that i know within.....

if i was to consider everything, the only meaningful part of what i am doing is to teach, to spend time with the kids....but now that is only a fraction of my time....i miss that.....meaningfully, i want to teach the less fortunate, to give a little to those who have very little....i thought of trying to stretch out to end of the year, even to next year cos of my first batch of kids here....but as at this moment, i dont think i can stretch that long.......actually, if not for consideration for others, it wont take much to walk away and not come back again to school....this is me, i am capable of that....in that mum was right, when she said i got a heart like iron....no matter how much it hurts, when i walk away, i really do.....and i have done it very very painfully more than once in my life.....

sk says mum is sleeping most of the time...without volks travelling is really a chore, and this week migraine has been tormenting....i didnt see her this evening....i never know which will be the last.......when i pick up, i must stay more often over at sk's place....