Exactly Two Weeks....

just got back not long from mt e....this has been the routine....it has been another roller coaster....expecting the worse....hoping for the best....moving on....clear only on one objective, to do all one can in whatever....

hadnt written for exactly two weeks....dunno if i would have written if i didnt run into ex-403 on friday....May, the radiologist had told me that morning one must always be prepared for anything.....i was stunned....mum was frail but she seemed better and i thought she would pull through to cny....didnt know how to react when she said that.....she is experienced, prob my age...and she reiterated that nothing is certain.....i didnt cry...dont cry easily anyway....didnt tell anyone either....

Was really dazed when i got back to school...when i walked to canteen, ran into @ who talked to me abt work...but my mind was far away...anyway that is all @ can talk about and that is the last thing i want to listen to at that moment, i no longer expect @ to be a friend anymore anyway........

i dreaded meeting more pple in the canteen...til the usual Hi, Ms C from ex-403s....that made my day.....was glad to join them for lunch - its amazing how quickly they gather together like magnets.... and quite funny to hear their nonsensical nothings.. :)....yes, it cheered me up alot.....


today sk asked me if May said anything to me, and i said no. No point. Mum did pick up quite well the last 2 days esp this morning until just now...she nearly choked on her own phlegm and she had quite a bad time whilst they tried to extract her phelgm...and was not that successful either...sk was the only one with her....when I realised, I quickly went to join sk, mum had dozed off exhausted, and sk was crying. actually sk has been quite good already but not too steady still esp when she sees mum unstable....that happened a couple of times....in such times, i handle better....sk said i have a calming effect on her... so what is the point of telling her what May said, anything can happen anytime, infection being one of the risk.......sk has grown up quite abit already.....

funny to say that cos sk is my older sister....i was suppose to be the youngest. Suppose. But all the responsibilities fell on me from young. not sure why. Mum made me take her for piano lessons, and whilst she took her lesson, I did the marketing. I was only 14? Dunno why mum did that. But it was a fact that she never liked me from a child, so i did all household chores, and bear the brunt of anger and frustrations. But strangely I always understood that mum cant help how she felt, and got used to taking care of her, rather than being taken care of.

Whatever. It is truly more blessed to give than to receive. Whatever I never received as a child would in a family, the Lord blessed me with understanding and mercies. I couldnt have more.

Today, mum said, she resented the suffering she is going through. after all, she didnt do anything bad. We encouraged her to be patient, that she will get better. But in my mind, I wondered why people think suffering had to do with being 'good' or 'bad'. I remembered saying this to a teacher older than me, some 13 years or more, when something unfortunate happen to someone, they always ask, why me? Why no one says, why not me? I realised how often how much more blessed i am compared to many. And when misfortune did befall me, no matter how bitter i may be within, i am only thankful it happen to me, and not to those I love. That in itself made me feel blessed ..... it is really more painful to see others suffering than to be the one suffering.....

actually mum is responding much better to the radiation therapy than i had expected. The tumour was pressing on her airway and when she said she couldnt swallow 2 weeks ago (4 jan), i realised one of the worst is happening...i really wasnt sure if she was going to make it; within 2 days i got everyone together to agree to go ahead with radiation therapy to try to shrink the tumour. Otherwise the only way is to feed thru tube. mum would never take that. So risk or not, it was the only option left.

This is not the first time I had to made life and death decision. When i see pple getting flustered and worked up over non-issues, in my mind, i just think these people dont know what life truly is.... in times of true crisis, how can they manage?

Whatever happens, never lose your head, nor let go your emotions...i also want the luxury of crying, of letting out the floodgate of unexpressed emotions...but at what cost? No point upsetting others....there is still alot to be done....

Now she has come through 7 out of 15 doses....i keep my mind blank, and just fill up the week with my work schedule as normal...perhaps not too normal....but life goes on for others...and one must go on....not that my priority is wrong....i am thankful the school has been very supportive, and i am able to attend to mum whenever possible....i took leave during orientation, honestly i couldnt face the jolly mood and the campfire....but was glad to hear it went well....

dunno if i will keep up record these 2 weeks....it will be critical for me...either we can take mum out of mt e and go thru cny....or we wont....at the moment, i really think she will make it....i hope she does.....

i am not down at the moment...but do know i have a tunnel to go through ahead...and not sure what is at the end of the tunnel....