Perspective and Love

Doing math can really occupy ones mind and block out all thoughts....at least for this moment, it blocks out mine....though it doesnt work all the time...

Dont ask me why I am doing math, I am. I look at a question, and see it in different perspective at different times....when I was a student, and for the earlier period when I was a teacher, math problems are for solving and getting the thrill of solving them.

Then perspective changes...I found most math problems have solutions (at least for the level I was teaching)...the hardest problems are life's problems...those were philosophical moments.....but they are still true....

Now, I see so many things in a question, and wonder how come I didnt see it in that way....one's frame of mind affects one way of thinking....

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Met Mdm F for breakfast on 25th morning. I knew her when both of us were doing adjunct teaching. She was a former hod, now retired. She was elderly, but there was an air of elegance about her. She was the only teacher I talked to more personally at that time, and I kept in touch with her after leaving that school.

Over the past 2-3 years, I got to know her more, of her family, her grown up children...her 'story' stunned me, and I respect her strength of character in the face of things that happened. Like her, I couldnt fathom why things happened the way it did for her. Fate? Thankfully, she was financially independent.

We would meet up during term break. Then end last year, when we were planning to take a walk at Botanics Garden, she couldnt make it. It was at that time,she was discovered to have pancreas tumour, and undertook an operation. I was quite upset, and visited her often then . It was about this time last year. Thankfully, she came through, and perhaps a blessing in disguise, it mended relationships for her.

But she was still very independent. This year, she underwent chemo. Out of 20+ sessions, she was accompanied once by her son, once by her daughter in law, and the rest she went on her own. How plucky! I respect her immensely. She is one of the very few people I will take the initiative to contact and ask to meet. (Most of the time, I am quite reclusive). Prognosis is good for her and I am really glad for her. She is very independent. But that is not to say, she does not feel hurt. I know she does, but is determined to be courageous and move on.

We talked about many things. One thing she said I could not fully agree. I was telling her about how much Tiger and Brownie mean to me....at a dark period of life, they gave me company and comfort...so i want to look after them well... She said, its best to be able to take loneliness, and not depend on people or pets to ease it. She found pets a bind on one's schedule. She recounted that she would whittle her time walking on her own, and live with the loneliness...of cos, she agreed that in the first place, I am a cat lover so it is not just for companion that I kept T and B.

True, all of us have to live with loneliness. I will take it. I couldnt once upon a time and loneliness was one of my greatest fears. But that was a long time ago. I live with it, and am comfortable being alone and lonely. No issue at all. But when there is comfort in a thing, pet, a person, there is no need to be so harsh on ourselves....

The first person that told me "Its better to have loved and lost, than not to love at all" was a girl i knew in my initial jc days; who had such a placid look, that I cannot forget. Funny, I can remember the actual way she said it and why she said it, though it was so long ago. Her O level results werent good, so she had to leave the jc...I didnt quite make out whether the statement was true then....it was the first time I heard such a saying.....

Then over the years, I went through so much pain in losing whom one love, I no longer agree with the statement. At one time, I was determined not to care, and not to feel, and actually succeeded to be callous for some years...

For that reason also, I never considered keeping pets...I cant take that kind of loss, the sense of permanent loss, the pain that pierces through the mind and heart interminably.....and one thinks one will never recover from it....but one does...though sometimes it really takes a very long time....

Tiger and Brownie came into my life quite unexpectedly....it will be 7 years soon...and yes, now I can look back and say in some cases, it is better to have loved,....there is something special about the special feeling of loving and caring for others...I do not need to be reciprocated....I am happy caring and seeing whom I love happy....I dont mean just T and B....though T and B are definitely MOST special to me. No bind at all to adjust my schedule round them. It is my duty and pleasure to look after them to the end....

nevertheless, I got mdm F message. She was reminding me that everything is transient, dont get too attached(even to pets)...it is a defence, I understand...

actually i got alot to write...so much so that I dont want to get started....but well, these thoughts infiltrated my mind whilst i was working out math...and now i am going back to math....