just came back from cold storage....bought many small boxes of chocs for mum to give away as 'christmas' presents....this is actually very strange cos mum does not celebrate christmas....actually neither do I, but for different reasons. For her, she is not a christian, and at one time...totally opposed to it. For me, I am a christian, but do not follow trends....suffice to leave it as that.

sk is holding a 'christmas' gathering for mum inviting all members from B1, B2, S1....again strange cos we usually get tog only on cny....basically we dont get tog at all, except for mum...and also strange cos they do not celebrate christmas....but again all this is for mum.

mum is excited abt this coming party, she actually likes crowd unlike sk and i, ....sk is actually very thoughtful, cos she wont leave it till cny to have this....no one can tell how long....its going to be an unusual and unique christmas.

spend the whole day running errands for mum with sk. its not a nice feeling, feeling everything we do may be the last time we are doing it...but keeping in focus to keep her happy for as long as possible. She didnt look or feel gd this morning, complaining of difficulty in breathing. We assured her its tiredness and degenerating strength. she seems better later and was assured....there will come a day, its not possible to say thus. Somehow i have this feeling it may not be too far away. Its a heavy weight on both of us, but it has to be borne; many have more difficult and painful burdens to bear.

sk is very gd with mum, she can talk to her continually and mum is very happy to talk with her. But through the years, we never had much to talk about. I will just sit there usually with nothing to say. Ultimately I will end up reading newspaper, watching tv, or working on the laptop. She will complain that I am just like papa....i try, i really try, and will still try....but its hard. I feel bad. sk asked me a few days ago if i could erase off the bad memories of the past. it isnt that i dont want to, but its just that there wont be any memories then.....the few pleasant memories of my childhood/teenage were all days in school, never any at home....both of us are from the same family, same parentage, yet our lives are so vastly different. I am not bitter at all. But sometimes it is not possible to turn the clock back, and try to recover a closeness that never was, though it should have been between a mother and child....I cant apologise for it...i really cant help it.

whatever. like sk, i want to do my full duty to the end, and do what i can to assuage the difficult pathway ahead...

If one was to read Anne Frank's diary, it isnt that she was a great writer....but the circumstance that she was in compelled her to 'talk' to herself,to reflect within herself.... and she gave vent in the written record. This record read by millions when she was long gone, has touched many.

I didnt have her maturity at her age. But from young becos of many circumstance, i took alot in silence, observed, felt much pain, reflected and pondered over many, many things, and many, many years later, learnt from the very experiences that had hurt.

Whilst Anne had no opportunity to live and reflect over her young life, i have. I will never touch people the way Anne's diary did, but i can touch someone in some small way each day. I know a long time ago, never, never ever give way to bitterness. and am thankful to be able to do so by grace.

"Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled" Hebrews 12:15
231209_2225