New Year 2010

Must confess didnt feel very much about 'new year' this year....usually before the end of the year, i do take pains to clear up mess at home; clear bills, claims....look at diary, and best of all, calendars....my favourite...swiping up cats/kitties calendars.....

LS bought me a hanging one and a daily desk daily one....i did hang it up yesterday....but didnt do anything much otherwise. I actually attended end of year mtg without remembering to bring in the new diary to record....the first time i can remember that i forgot cos i usually get quite excited about using new diaries.

still, it wasnt altogether in the doldrums....or a sense of helplessness or foreboding...

more a sense of soldiering on, forging forward, and still the same, lets live life meaningfully....my only worry is running out of stamina.....must say it is easy to feel very tired...and that is not good when driving....have been taking regular power naps.....that 15-20 min makes alot of difference...not many however understand or know how to take power naps....those who know will know what i mean.

mum is on the whole still happy, looking forward to cny....we are really hoping symptoms will hold out till then.....increasingly it is now left mainly again to sk and myself....and S1 some mornings....i dont mind. have to admit, i prefer not to have some ties...

am quite glad to get card from ky today. very glad and relieved. I was devastated, very devastated when she just left like that in july; i was angry with myself, with LS, with school....i just felt my priority has been all wrong. I knew there was issue but didnt take time to resolve it, and all was too late....i was momentarily bitter and really very pained then. Whatever. I will never forget what I owe her, and really couldnt come to terms then.....i am really very glad for the exchanges the last few weeks...and today. That we can reconcile. She is really my most valued friend.

Looking back, it has been a year I feel most lost....never found my direction amidst the mountains of work and upheavals of life.... window smashing into carscreen...anr accident 8 days after....all those conflicts that i really hate.... and the spiral down.....twice over.....It was a year that i just ploughed and endured, and held on somehow...

Among the people I am grateful for, these came to mind....

Again 403..... when my spirit was so low so often....stepping into this class, or on the way to canteen...the greetings Hello Ms C, never fails to cheer me up. It was as if they were so happy to see me! I dont know whether they really do, but it is nice to feel u made a difference to someone....and to a class...well, its nice. :)

i must say also alot of people in sch, in particular vl and ld that are really empathetic companions, sy who always respond to my need for help; pc who always 'listen' via emails; and touches of kindess and support from sm that make alot of difference to me and help me stay on in the school that i did like very much from the start, and still do....and many other special pple in sch that make one feel loved like kyc, te, ftt, lsf.,ht, ncl, fll, lhc.....and latterly rc....yes it always matters that u mean sth to someone...

i remember when i was very down once, pc keep telling me, u have alot of friends and she wld list them, and it was helpful....

the viet trip was also very meaningful to me... and really one of the positive highlights of the year....

'shopping' for a car was also another thing quite memorial. :) must say ht and ncl were really patient with me....it took me nearly a year b4 deciding on one....

taking 6206 was also special....got to know quite nice kids and really glad to have taken that on....

so it was not a bad year, despite feeling so lost, hurt and bewildered for most parts....

2010 is not going to be easy....but i want to make it meaningful....

mum just woke....she is now talking to me abt the 'end' arrangements....dont know what to say....except to say, dont think so much...really don t know what to say....sk gone for wedding dinner with bil.....she ask to see 400H for the last time.....i told her she can see as often as she wants and she can go back anytime she wants.....actually i felt she knew all along the end is near. but i cant understand why she does not want to return back, and chose to stay with sk. I dare not ask. i dare not know why either....i dont want to think....

this is what i dread most about 2010.....