misty ahead

sk and i went to mum's place and went through some things.... after barely 2 hours, we couldnt take it....

i cant understand how S1 etc can take going though her things to see what they can keep for themselves... its really painful... and sk also have difficulty

i will just let everyone take what they want, then get remover to move everything. i just want to keep her old sewing machine

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i dont know why mum left such a deep impact... its not that she was kind to me...

from a child, i cant understand why she didnt like me and so obviously... i was really very badly bashed up, and some of her punishments were very cruel... but i always saw her sufferings and pain... and always want to protect her. Her remarks of me were always negative, if there were 8 things right, and 2 things wrong, she only harp on the the 2 things that were wrong.....one of the very few nice things she said of me was that i studied effortlessly..

Her regard and attitude of me changed when she saw how hard I worked as a tutor, and in all vacation jobs to bring something in for the family... I guess those years where income was uncertain all over again for her with dad's failed business must hit her hard and reminded her of her past poverty... things were only abit better when i started teaching but teaching pay was really very low then, and barely 5 years, dad went down with a stroke and was wheelchair bound 9 and a half years...

she has a very attractive personality and a very strong character.... i miss her ... i really do

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enbloc sale talk is on again... i hate it but am resigned to it... i dont know how i am going to take it as part by part of the things that matter to me are taken from me.

i know to many this is a 'gain'... But to me, the depth of pain, despair and sadness cannot be described... it is a terrible loss to me....I was born here. I grew up here. I survived through life here...

i know well meaning people will tell me to move on, and look forward... i dont know where, i dont know how....

parents should bring up their children with love and care... really they should, they brought them into the world...

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ahead is misty...very misty.... where is my direction? work has been some kind of direction

i know one thing, I have taken alot of things which I would never have taken: insults, sharp criticisms, negativism, hurts...partly due to inferiority over age, ability; sometimes to make peace; often because of consideration for person(s).

I dont want to be the butt of vents/ unreasonable expectations/ snappings of irascibility/ microscopic search of errors and negative criticism.

reminds me of the past with mum and dad about me... very little i do was right and good enough....

but i take it from them though it left such a terrible longing to win their regard, and their love...

I may have to walk into a mistiness without any path... I dont know if it is good not to have anyone to take care of anymore...

I will seek the Lord for my direction..

Psalmist says the LORD is the strength of his heart, and his portion forevermore... Let it be so for me in the way ahead...

The power of apology

i finally got myself down to settling issue with mt e... one out of many, but i decided to let most pass, but this involves reimbursement of medical fee from mum's medishield...

at mt e, they made u pay the full sum, and only reimburse when medishield reimbursed... and though medishield coverage was a percentage of the approved cost, it was not a small sum...

two weeks or so after the passing of mum, mt e rang sk to ask who to make this sum to, and sk asked them to make it out to me, as i was the person that have settled the payment. A week later, i got a cheque in the name of my mother....

i was so tired, there was so much to do, even during the '1 week so called break', i didnt settle this score with them...i had alot to settle, had a traffic summon to court, had penalty for overdue property taxes etc etc.... i only had time then, to attend to things relating to mum directly, and as usual school...

partly i couldnt bring myself to go to mt e also.... finally yesterday morning, sk and i went down and asked to see the supervisor... 5 minutes later, the asst manager appeared.

Sk told him the problem and expressed our much unhappiness with mt e for the distress they have caused my mum and us during the period of illness. He was quick to grasp the whole scenario, and apologised for the 'inappropriateness', did not ask unnecessary questions, and focused on resolving the problem. He then said a new cheque would be re-issued, but will take 2 weeks. I then spoke up, and pointed out how insistent they were to push for payments and yet in a matter like this, it takes 2 weeks!?!

He explained their constraints, and promised to get it done within a week, with personal deliverance to wherever convenient. I told him I dont want to be unfair to him as he may not be the person responsible for poor management and is under the constraints of an organisation but has to take the brunt.

He said he is accounted responsible for the error as he is part of the organisation, hence he should apologise and try to make amends. This he repeated twice, that it is right he ratify and take personal responsibility, and was sorry for the distress we have gone through.

Whether it is a trained customer technique or not, I cant say. He is the asst manager, but he has set a good example. The session ended in less than 15 min to sk and my relief. Neither of us wanted to go through this except it wasnt right that mt e should take more money from us if we dont claim this sum.

And both of us agreed that the swiftness to apologise sincerely, address the issue, and especially his graciousness to take personal responsibility that "I" was equally to be blamed for any error is very commendable. When there is such a total apology, there is nothing else to say.

How few realise how important apology is; and how necessary it is, to mend and build relationships; end strife and settle misunderstandings.... truly very few.... and very foolish too...

Personally, I too learnt from this lesson... sincere or not, I cant say...but that personal touch in personal responsibility does ease....

aftermath.....

waves after waves of events .....

leave their marks upon the sand....

Changing tides wash away the prints upon the coast of land...

But those left upon the shores of heart remain...though the heart be rend...

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if people realise this, would they be more careful; more caring?

To those who care, they will care; to those that do not care, they wont want to know...

i made a decision that 100th day... its pointless to go on in this manner at the beck and call of "duty" ... honestly i am very very very weary...

there had been moments that i wavered ... but putting all in the balance... i must move on...

since then, i have given even more to make up for the times i will no longer do so...

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i hate staying up/ or keeping awake at unearthly hours... it reminds me of alot of things... had to do so throughout this week.... whilst trying to catch up on sleep... that familiar horrible darkness was sinking in...

if i give in, i dont know if i will get out.... i must pace myself to settle mum's things one at a time....its going to be hard...

i realised one should not leave things/ too much things for others to clear... it really is very painful... I will start clearing my place as well... i hope i can take it through these few weeks...

The Lord grant me grace to endure through this.... truly the Lord alone is merciful forever....

26th May...

passing years....

what is a birthday?

i had to block out remembrance of mum's birthday this same month... sk and i intended to book dinner tables at shangri-la to celebrate her 80th birthday this year....she would have been happy about that.... it could not be materialised....

whether i like it or not, each day has got to be passed... and it reached 26th....

i know people who care try to make it 'special' for me....

4 nephews text me...and j2 took the trouble to send a vase of roses.... and wrote..."so sorry it took me 31 years to give you your first birthday present but more to come...love you..."

i have an affinity with j2. Actually i was least close with her becos j1 didnt like me, but as she grew up, she visited me once and she realised I was a cat lover...some 6 years back...then over her marriage, birth of t1..and t2.... i gave her support and she really married a nice chap which helped her grew up and was more concern abt family... mum also took to her, and felt secure with her... i was glad of that.

sk, ky, ls were as always constant...

in school, vl/hc wanted to arrange lunch/dinner but it was a busy day for me...not possible... rf made special breakfast which was touching, vl, rc, dc, cl arranged for cake; cam, kyc, nte put alot alot of smileys all over; sf got me sth..... it helps that pple show they care... i kept cheerful and focused throughout the day....

but alone back at my desk in the late hours... i cried...

its my first birthday without mum.... she did take the trouble to remember to get me something every year.... we dont really celebrate... i guess i am always uncomfortable abt being the focal... and between her and me, somehow, though i spent the most time with her, literally daily a few hours, unless i am not in spore... or very exceptional late nights... somehow we dont say much...

prob my fault.... sometimes it is almost like a silent movie..... i made up by being physically present... and i guess it helps still that i am around...

and she made up by getting me something to show she cares... actually both of us are really alike... in many ways....

its never going to be the same.... i knew it would be painful.... its just its awfully painful....

pain....

I am falling into a terrible abyss...
Wandering in a convoluted labyrinth...
how to climb out of the steep darkness...
how to find a way out of the maze of despair...

i have gone through many very very very dark tunnel...so dark i didnt think there was a way out... and really wanted to give up... but always held on because of mum... i needed to look after her...and i held on...

i finally got out of the trap after 15 years... it could have been earlier, but i had to consider many things... i am only thankful i did get out... otherwise i wouldnt have been able to see through mum's last lap...

Unbelievably, i came through... and i got back to the vocation i love, that i had to leave then because of the web of circumstance...

i did all that mum wanted, got back to teaching, pick up driving, and drove... there are alot of things that she, and dad too would have wanted me to do... but i didnt do them... i could have... i wish time could turn back...

i rarely regret... but i do now;

i have been fiercely independent and very certain of my views and values. whenever it comes to valuation, friends are always first. i suddenly realise my valuation has not been as it should have been...

sk and bil have been very sweet,and took me out yesterday and this afternoon to j2's place...we went to the graveyard yesterday to check all is ok for this tues... it was really painful to see the tombstone...mum is really gone, lying below the tombstone....i knew sk teared... again i was stoned...i dont know how to cry when people are around...

i wished she had known we didnt cremate her, that we erected a tombstone she would have liked. She was scared of fire, and tho she said cremate, we knew she was scared. We couldnt do it...

The pain within is searing...and the walls are collapsing... i dont know how long more i can hold out...suddenly, i am scared i will lose sk... it has always been her saying that she wont know how to go on without me...suddenly, suddenly...i need her... realised i dont have anyone that really cared and loved me....sk does... i know... she felt bad abt our childhood... and she really love me as a sister...

Must rush out work so that i wont hold up anyone if the walls collapsed...

some warmth

amidst many frustrations...most of all dazedness...i do wish my head wont go on this way...amidst hustle and bustle... and many listenings.....

there has been warmth and kindness...perhaps because it was not expected...it did touch me...

the book on cats...most unexpected...thanks... :)

the load of vitamins...very unexpected too...didnt know how to react...it was really thoughtful...

i never complete any vitamin course... would i remember to complete this course??? and really would it worked, swallowing loads of vitamin pills...??? but then i guess better than painkillers...personally skeptical...but will try it...not because i believe it will work... but touch by the kindness and effort... if just to repay the good intentions... dont know how i am going to remember though...

mum used to be the one that make sure i take them... yesterday when we went out for lunch and ordered the herbal soup, i felt like crying... i missed her soup... dreamt of her again these past days... it is harder and harder to keep back the tears at every thought of her now....i must get through next week... the 100th day...

i also hope it will not be the beginning of strife with B2 and ML etc... I must hold out...

at such low troughs, and very very low effiiciency...i really wanted to work at the notes very very badly... the encouragement from the touches of humanity is a balm...thanks alot....it helps give that nudge to hang on....

Perhaps love...

心声…..

我在乎, 非常在乎 , 却显得不在乎

我彷徨, 非常彷徨 , 却必指示方向

我无奈, 非常无奈 , 却须给与希望

很难受, 非常难受 , 却显得潇洒

很寂寞, 非常寂寞 , 心语对谁诉说?


坚硬的层面, 遮藏脆弱的心境

一世为人着想, 谁来为我分忧? 知心人在何处?


一世寻找理想, 付出代价, 并无遗憾.

至少我坚持原则 , 原则是无价的.


路途孤单, 非常孤单....已习惯了……


无论多累, 也须一步一步地走完路程....

Who is Listening?

who is listening to the voice of words?
who is listening to help the spirit?

who is listening to the unvoiced words?
who is listening to ease the lonesome soul?

who is listening to the tears that dropped?
who is listening to bring comfort?

who is listening to the unshed tears?
who is listening to feel and care?

who is listening to the painful soul?
who is listening to soothe the wound?

who is listening to the listener?
who helps;
who eases;
who comforts;
who feels;
who cares;
who soothes;

.................others but herself...............