Not living in vain....

If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking by Emily Dickinson

If I can stop one heart from breaking,I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I subscribed to a daily classic poetry and a daily quote email. I delete most. But find consolation and contemplations from some.

Struck by these verses, I found out more about Emily Dickinson. Quite a person. Reclusive. Seclusive.

Perhaps if I was not at the same time math trained that helped to instil practicality (alot!) and balance from the tilt to melancholy, i would have resorted to like manner reclusion and seclusion.

-----------------------------------------------------------
What do i feel on Teachers Day? In some way, that perhaps i had not lived in vain.

My teaching life is divided into phase 1, the first 15 years; then 6 years of obscurity, interim; then phase 2, the last 4 years.

In phase 1, yes, teachers day did matter to me. That was the time most kids gave flowers. Crescent was near a market, and the kids would buy stalks of them. Presents were not allowed which was fine. I would go home with lots and lots of flowers. And that made mum happy. And I looked forward to it yearly.... youth with dedication naturally commands popularity.

Things were not the same at scgs. There were still flowers, but much less. I did have problem adjusting and had to continually reflect why and learn....I did remember some years getting nice bouquets. The main reason why I like them is because I could bring them back for mum. She loved flowers, and she was always happy to tell people that these flowers were from my students. It was through these gifts of flowers that I grew to love flowers myself. Although I always did like gardening.

But she always felt the kids liked me less at scgs. She didnt like me teaching there cos of the school social status. She measured them by flowers. I didnt. Times changed. Kids no longer expressed things the same way.

But I did learn that teachers days and all its gifts is meaningless if I failed as an educator. I saw education differently at scgs. Many grateful thanks to Ms Heng. She is a living example of an educator. Hence, I no longer thought much of Teachers Day. It mattered more that I have truly helped the kids...
-----------------------------------
I have to admit, today I was very relieved there was no stalk of flowers. I cant take it. It would remind me too much that I couldnt give the flowers to mum anymore....

I am grateful, very grateful for the notes, and words written in notes, booklets, cards.... perhaps more this year, than any other year... i am a word person. Thanks for writing those notes....

yes, it is a consolation that at least some moments of my life, I had made some impact...that i had not lived in vain...
----------------------------------------------------
Someone said to me, why dont you show when you are not ok....

how to show? what to show? so what if you show?
-------------------------------------------------------
Its going to be a difficult period to tide through the next few months....

Indah, sk maid left last sat. I was very sad. She is very sweet and helped alot in looking after mum toward the end.

Sulis, mine would be leaving 11 sept morning. These are the last of the maids trained by mum. The last of her cooking... and with sulis gone, it would be my first embarking on a life totally on my own. I had kept her to procrastinate facing this.... she isnt a good maid... but she had seen mum through her painful phase, and mum was very dependent on her in the final weeks... and she was very kind to mum. I will never forget that.

In 1994, near midnight, a student that was going through family upheavals, rang me sobbing. She said 'my maid is going back to Philippines. She was with me for 6 years...' I didnt know what to say. Her family was breaking up, and her mother was being as strong as she could... and the maid had been her companion. I only remembered I didnt know what to say. This scene replayed in my memory, now 16 years later....

I guess the impact is not as 'tragic'.... it is not sulis leaving per se...but the severance of one of the last strands connected to mum...

Meantime, i have yet to settle alot of things... alot more strands to severe, like her things, her apartment... i cant face it still... S1, B1, B2 cant understand...

its just me...

and i need to look for a new place...

experience teaches one, take one thing at a time...
-------------------------------------------------------------
Looking back, I sometimes wonder how I ended up being so alone. I did make some misjudgements. Yet, I know in many ways, I am still not wrong in not marrying for the sake of doing so. Mum and Dad had felt bad that I had always put them as the main consideration that led to my remaining single.

Yes, they were always my consideration, but that was not the reason why I am on my own.

I had loved; I had been loved. But a soulmate, I didnt find.

I did wish sometimes I had my own family. But i still know all my decisions have been right. I know my values, and to me, the place of a woman is behind the man. Just as mum showed by example. 'Career' is totally not important to me. I would be as happy, being at home, raising up a family. I did want that. I was never ambitious. But it must be a man I respect for me to live for him and family. Though in weakness, I did wish I had 'compromise', ultimately, I know I am still right.

Fighting loneliness is better than fighting unhappiness.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I only know, the Lord alone will never leave or forsake me.

And if "I can ease one life the aching,Or cool one pain,"... i would not have lived in vain.

Thank you.... expression of thanks in those little notes mean more than you realise....

Dad (I)

Dad was 50 when I was born. It was said that there was disappointment that I wasnt the boy they had hoped for. That from the maternity home I was sent to a nanny, but then brought back a few weeks later cos nanny was no good. Then there was another nanny that came in daily that I was supposed to be very attached to, and that infuriated mum who sacked her when I was a toddler, and I cried even more.

I had totally no memories of those days. I only knew I was a cry baby.

My earliest memory of dad was that he would come in the afternoon. He drove (very very few drove), and he would clear his throat and he had a way of using his knuckle to knock at the rail, and we would know it is him.

We had a record player, and he loved to play a song that goes..mama she loves papa, papa he loves mama. And another was Born Free. Another was My Bonnie lies over the ocean. He loved the camera and took lots and lots of photos.

I vaguely remembered there was a time when we waited for him to bring us to the beach for picnic... and he was late, and mum was angry. I remembered taking car-rides to see the 'lion' at Fraser and Neave (which is now Valley Point) then he would go off.

As i grew to be a child, i gradually realised dad did not live with us. But it didnt really made much difference cos our house was really crowded. 5 of us with mum. And dad was always nice.

I knew he lived in a house in a very very big compound. He had 2 servants, the 'ma-jie' in black and white. His son and daughter both studied in UK. But his son did not graduate, and never did anything much. His daughter was his favourite, and was till the end. Both of them did math and econs. I also did math and econs. I wanted to be like her. She was his favourite. We are 16 years apart.

When he came every afternoon, I would greet him, papa good afternoon, brought him his slippers and warmed up a cup of coffee for him. He was quite particular. This I did until he moved in with us when I was 17. By then, I guess I wasnt that understanding anymore, and saw things differently.

------------------------------------------------------
In my life, I was warded to the hospital 3 times, once for a night for food poisoning(when i was in jc1); another for appendicitis; and there was a third time. The last two times, I stayed a week each. In all the times, it was dad that visited me daily. In total, mum came maybe twice. She was usually sick whenever there is a crisis.

It was always dad. Without fail. Everyday.

But we had nothing to say. Perhaps he understood me. It was I that did not understand him.

He never wanted to say how bad things were, especially financially, because he wanted me to complete my university education. On my side of the family, I was the only one that made it, and with merit bursary to support me through.

But I was always aware things were not good. From 16 onwards, I did not take any allowance from home. I had sponsorhip from scholarships or by tuition. I knew I had to made it thru U, no matter what and worked part-time to help out. Dad was an intellect. In that I let him down. Although I graduated, I didnt do well. I was too involved in other matters. I didnt listen to advice.

When he was in hospital when I grew up, it was always me (almost always) that sent him there, and visited him daily. And we still had nothing to say. By then, I was crushed. Worried about bills, worried about so many things. Impractically, he would always want to be warded at Mt E. Until, when i finally reached 0.00 in my bank account, I stopped it. That was a 9 year period till 1999.

I did wish I could give him better. But it was not practical. And I had to be practical. There was a time both he and mum was in hospital. I had no choice. I had to be practical. Strange, I cant remember how I did it, but I managed it without much communication with sk or anyone else...

Dad was very brave and tough, and a fighter. Until he went down with a stroke at 79, he was robust and moved about alot. Up till his 70s, for our sake, he tried to continue his business with frozen meat, and would drive a lorry to the warehouse and carried stocks of frozen meat. I knew it was very heavy. Dad was rich. Was. His business failed....But he could take hardship to try to make things better for us.

When his right side was immobilised by a stroke, I saw how determined he was to keep mobile. Had there been better health care, he would have recovered. But there wasnt at that time. And cost was exobitant. Stroke was not common then.

It was in observing him that I know how important it is to strengthen your area of weakness. When his right side failed, he depended on his weaker side, his left side. That lesson stayed in my heart always.
----------------------------------------------------
dad did alot for me, actually much more than mum. He never disliked me. He was fair to both me and sk. It was unfortunate that mum had to struggle and get over her dislike for me. And I guess I just didnt know how to say the right things to her then.

I cant remember when she started treating me better... she did... i guess all along she did in her own way... we were just different... yet the same cos both our temperament were the same, so there was always conflict... i usually resort to stone silence...

But it was dad that was consistent in his care for us, for me...

not that he didnt have faults.... but that i dont want to remember... He knew i was angry with him for the tempests and turbulence in the family that i grew up in, and he knew it affected me deeply.

I did do what i can to assure him... but i guess it was not enough...

it was from dad that i learnt kindness and understanding... and it was from him, that i attained to insights far beyond my age.... but we never had much to say....

actually left to myself... i never had much to say... the words just wont come out...
-----------------------------------------------
Lee wei ling wrote about her mum's sufferings... i like her writing. But she is from a very privileged background, not that i belittle her sufferings. She will never understand and for that matter, most will never understand, what it is, to have understanding and see things in the adult world, from a child...

Like her I saw my parents sufferings... reading what she wrote brought back waves of memories that had anyway been lashing within my soul....

nevertheless, i knew what love is. I saw it in dad. He loved all of us, and me. Not everyone can say they knew what love is. I could say it. Thanks to dad.

Utter Aloneness
Reverberating Loneliness

Aching Pain
Deepening Desolation

Unfathamable Sadness
Grieving Sorrow

Whirling Despair
Shrouding Darkness

Faltering Weakness
Hopeless helplessness


Behind that nod, that wave, that smile, that cheery 'hi!'....

O for some balm of kindness; some glimmer of hope; some hand of strength...

"Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O LORD..." Psalm 130:1

Glad i wrote yesterday...

...to say thanks before the event....

though things were not perfect the way we would have wished, nothing mitigates the appreciation.

thank you for always responding to the call for help; and thank you for being there...

do remember the points we went through.... even if we had prepared 120%, (which we didnt... we all had no time), never let our guard down. Check, and check, and check, from different angle, and by all...

and thankyou, and thankyou and thankyou....

Thanks Kiddos....

i admit to being grouuuuuuuchy.

but remembering how positive all of u are, despite being called in really last minute to help... and the extent of help given esp jq, and gy... and every task undertaken with such cheerfulness and uncalculating manner... i want to say thank you very much before the event.

i was always very particular about one thing. Appreciation should not be expressed only after the occasion is 'successful'. Because my philosophy is: if the best had been done, it is not the outcome that matters, but the dedication and the effort. I make it a point always to thank ahead, to say whether things went well or not, it is the effort that matters to me.

thanks for teaching me by your examples how to be positive and keep positive. :)

remembrances...

bil fetched sk and me to the cemetery to visit mum, then to mandai columbarium to visit dad on sat...

on mum's tombstone, we carved in chinese, that she is of the 'Sie' family... she was never known as one. 50 years. in a way she didnt mind. i think.

sk said becos i am so like dad, mum sometimes couldnt stand it... i wished she didnt say that...

i am also very like mum in temperament and intuition. mum knew it also. i took alot of things quietly for her sake.

dad is very very very kind and dad really loved mum.

dreamt of dad last nite... it had been a very very long time...5 years, 6 years ago...i had woken up then crying...

---------------------------------------

i can write. i cant talk. i hear others talking abt the past, events abt mum, or abt dad, but most of the time abt mum. Its their way of recalling, of expressing their grief, their feeling of loss. but i remained in silence. i dont know how to say? what to say? so many things unsaid.

------------------------------------------------------------

someone asked me recently if i want to talk. i said no. the past is past.

i also know it isnt. there are still accounts to be settled, moral debts that had not been paid.

its when i remember the Lord, and his mercies. be merciful.

its when i remember the kids, and want to see them happy and moving on...

there is no need for more loss... i will try to reconcile the conflicts...

-----------------------------------------------------------

whatever. mum and dad did their best for me and sk...

dad really is one of the kindest man in the world, but he died full of regrets because of the hurts caused.

And mum was very very lucky to have been with him. She didnt think they were compatible. but actually they were... i miss them...i wished i had told them, i really love them.

I couldnt say and never said. i only hoped that by taking care of everything, they would know. I really hoped they really did know. I cared, but couldnt say it. I hope they knew. I really, really cared...

random statements....

silence is golden....

folly abides in those that esteem themselves above others...

example is better than precept... what is not said is setting an example needs discipline, and true consideration.

pretense, a temporary show misleads those who had trust in you.

better not to have won trust and respect, than to do so, and misuse that trust and respect.

one who does not know how to put aside ones views and work as a team in their lives, how well can they lead a team?

what is the true purpose of being a leader? To care, and seek good or to climb and seek self dream in self-deception in the name of good?

individualism and independent thinking is not synonymous. individualism focuses on self, to show up one being different or above others. Individualists rarely makes good team players. They are too important to themselves. worse if they are leaders.

independent thinking is being able to hear above the crowd, to make objective judgments whatever the flow of the tide. Independent thinkers may not conform, but may still be a good team player if they can turn independence into a strength to be depended. there is always a if...

and if they cant... then they are best on their own....

silence is golden

National Day

Drove to sk place to watch the NDP.

National Day is very important to me. Every parade brings tears to me, from the days I was a child, I remembered the first parade I watched, when I was 9. And I say the soldiers marching on... black and white tv.

I had seen attap houses; ox carts; homes without tv, without telephones; beggars;and much more poverty; I saw strikes reported on newspapers... unrest...

Now I see security, safety, prosperity....

I am proud of Singapore. I will never give my my citizenship. This is Singapore. This is my land.

counting my blessings...

not feeling good (really feeling NOT good) had led to more pro-active moves...

1)seen a doc... recommended to a pain-care physiotherapist (saw her yesterday for 1.5hours)

(heard of myotherapy?).. ..aching all over my back for the treatment (she was totally amazed that all my muscles were in knots in so many places... i wasnt surprised... i did know i should have done something about it for a long time)

whatever... hope i would get down to some cardio exercise on my immobile bike that had not been used for more than a year! i hope this lady phsio can help me improve managing of pain...she was quite perceptive and accurately infered many things .....anyway all i want is some relief and help to get out of this pain cycle... if you are besetted by bad headaches for more than 20 yrs... well, managing it to get on with life is good enough for me...:)

2) definitely feels i really shd search for a place to move... and try to rent out mum's place in part. S1 asked me to do so a few days ago, rather than pay for the maintenance... i realise actually they had been quite kind not to bug me about clearing and renting/selling the place...

3) there is an issue abt getting a place near sk.....anyway it is a long story...the important thing is, it seems likely that i can 'free' my name to get a hdb near sk... i never wanted to push __about it, though i am harnassed by it. That it is likely to happen naturally is a relief to me.

4) having done much on my search for direction....with-out, and with-in....venturing out, and recoiling in, i think (unless a catastrophe happens), my direction for the next year is:

(a) move as near as poss to sk, ( S1 says she will move in with me, without lp!!!!, she prefers living with me to her daughter!!!!) , and share in building a positive family life for sk family and maybe be more involved in the community life there.

(b) i think i will work on, one more year, before embarking on a more community -based involvement which i hope i will commit to the end of my days...

(c) and where will i work?.... i think for the moment... i would stay where my heart is... :)

5) Rang mdm f, she is improving! her last 3 readings for cancer marker is within range! for pancreatic cancer, to last 2 years, and she is still moving about is really not usual. i am very thankful for every time i call her after 2-3 weeks interval, i never quite know what to expect. so i am happy for her...meeting her for lunch next sat.

6) And my countless blessings in having ls and ky;tiger and brownee; sk, bil, zg and zl; many many friends, colleagues and students; and the bonds with many, build up through likeminded values and kindness...

i am very very fortunate... i still miss mum terribly... but i know i must move on... and am glad to have had the space and time to recover...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

i both feel sorry and 'envy' young lives....

feel sorry becos things are so much more demanding, and life is anything but easy for them...

'envy' becos they have the life, and the energy to pursue their dreams.....i had expended mine, and no longer hope for fulfilment of dreams...

the only advice i can give you is: things sometimes are much better than you could possibly envisaged. I never thought, I could be in such contentment especially becos upheavals are the norms for me.

But you would need to be wise, realise when you are wrong, pull out (no matter how hard), and have the courage to do so. ..And be very patient and persevering to wait time out....

And alot of times, it is how you view and take things that make the difference. Be positive, and outward looking- it makes it easier for yourself, and others whom you come across in life's journey...

some more pics...

by the way, they are all 'drawn' from model pictures of calendars... i have completely no imagination to draw them from my mind! but it still isnt easy at all... :)

something different!

Who drew this???? i failed my art without fail...

in my school, at the end of each semester, the principal would come to give us our results...

and she would call our names, and we would stand (quite scary...), and she would read out number of credits we got for our results: 9 credits (max), 8 credits...

And for sec 1 and 2, i always had 8 credits. :(

It didnt happen again from sec 3, but then it makes one feel.... not so good....

but i decided in 2003, that it may be that it could be teachers fault (of cos always teachers fault, rite?? what else could it be????). not that there was any teacher that actually taught art

anyway i managed to find myself an art teacher (came from china) and we hit off really well... and about 3-4 months later.... this is one of my few works.... not bad,eh? :)

my head feels so weird... so i am clearing my mind totally of things to do with sch (that mean all kids!!!!!) ..... so admiring my own art work....should be putting up a few more.... though i probably cant draw them the picture again.

But so what? I drew in my life!!!! :)

search begins...

saw 2 units out for sale near sk's place. bil made me go down to take a look tho i tried to wriggle out with my headache. He rather like it. I agree I also like the proximity, it means i can go over every nite...

but didnt feel rite somehow... i think cos the main road is in front, (not a gd reason, cos my place main road is also infront) and price rather high... need loan until something happen at this block which may may not happen ( i hate borrowing and the feeling of being in debt!)... that means also MUST WORK!!! This is not freedom! :(

I want to work because I enjoy it and not work because of loan... sigh! And i hate the feeling of change ( i fully believe in newtons law wrt inertia)... the whole feeling of uncertainty is overwhelming me again...

i really must be more practical and stop living in a day dream....

dun know what to say really... sigh... what is a residence? especially when u are alone. Important factor is my cats will be safe and comfortable... and there must be space to accommodate others...

residence should be a nest... a place of rest with warmth and love... sk is nearby so thats the closest... lets see how....