stormy turmoil

i am angry....grrr.......

why?

i no longer can stay up to complete work.... my head is just numb

i no longer work as fast as i want to.... more than half the time my head is pounding...

i hate being slow, and not meeting deadlines.... i use to be very quick....

before i get angry with others.... i am angry with myself first....

and yes, i am angry with others....

angry with inconsideration and

angry with self-centredness, self-importance...

angry with tantrums, complains, negativeness...

angry... i try not to be...but i am angry... very angry...

but if i was faster, more careful, more efficient; if i was more patient and obliging.... healthier, and yes perhaps smarter....i wont make silly mistakes...... than i guess maybe there would be less cause to be angry.....

i really try hard...very hard...with so many things...perhaps too hard...

Is the issue me, or others?

actually, my head is so bad, there is barely 3-4 days in a month without painkillers... and this has gone on for months....... i need a break very badly... i wish i wont keep considering for others.... esp for people that actually dont care....ssh, wake up, dont care too much...it got to stop somewhere, somehow....

actually i came to a decision a few days ago... but its hard to let go esp when i see the kids...they made me happy.... but when they grow up, they are going to be adults that made me angry...grrrr...grrrrr.....

stormy turmoil......i am very angry....sigh....its hard to keep cheerful when u are so angry....grrrrr....o well, tomorrow is another day....

When.....

when life centres round deadlines;
when the main purpose of sleep is to get up at unearthly hour;
when anxiety ruleth;
when one drives on for driving on sake...
when strength to battle on wanes...
when your encouragement sounds feeble to yourself...
when one feels guilty even to stop awhile to write when there are piles of undone work....
why? to meet standards? whose standards?
when reflection is merely a glimpse...

yes, it is really time to stop...

El msged yesterday. She is quitting. A lady of utmost dedication and perseverence. I can understand. Direction has changed. Who truly value values for all the utterance? It cant be an easy decision. 25 years of dedication.

El was one of the very few that knew me and accepted me. She was the very very few that said I was introverted. i dont show what i truly feel. I hate being hurt, esp by people I care. So I dont show. But she knew. For many, many years, she made sure I had lunch cos she knew i never took care over things like that. she was the first person that i told when i was leaving then, and she teared. I never expected it for she was a picture of steadiness and serenity. For the ten years since I left, she contacted me every term break, and never lost touch, no matter my reclusiveness.

She was one of the very few that truly valued me and never took me as a 'threat' though she could. I once asked her if I had not left, what would I have been in the school. And she said to me, the post she was holding. I knew that was true. But I left cos I believe only in education, not in systems. Structure is not system. She was one of the very few that saw and knew i was really gifted in teaching and would acknowledged it. The 'magic' touch, some parents had said. Kids that didnt like math grew to love it. I see that touch sometimes again, but much much rarer.....i dont want to lose it....

its time ....its just to find the right time.....sigh! now before guilt overwhelms, i have to return to ploughing....until that time....

I remembered SS saying he is epsilon... yes, good to remember that... just a spectre....dont think too much of oneself/the importance of one's role.... lets go back to basics....simplicity....ssh, remember godliness with contentment is great gain.... must let go....have the courage and steel to let go....

today...

met blss boys...glad to see them, kenneth, justin, ching kang, ivan and surprisingly kevin...glad to see them grown up, each finding their direction except for kevin...i am proud of them, and of the impact that i had left with them...its been almost 5 years...and they have kept up meeting with me...dont know why only the boys though...

had dinner with ld...good exchange...felt abit better... i guess i have to keep looking up and pressing on...see things in perspective... and forbear... dont cause hurt no matter how hurt ... look beyond... and dont feel so much... must try...

waiting for the sun to rise in the darkness within...

many many thanks to....

all who so cheerfully help at all times....i am listing them because I really dont want to take anything/anyone for granted...

thanks rachel and mingyan, both of you have been really wonderful...actually my headaches were so bad I couldnt remember alot of things/awards/names...i didnt like it because usually i can register them in my mind...but honestly i was just remembering when to pop painkillers at sufficient regular intervals... but seeing both of u highlight/make notes of who to 'catch'/queue etc, i knew things were in good hands....thanks so much for being there all the time, for both mon/wed rehearsals/thur morning/fri really early morning...and pointing out all the things that need to watch out for....

thanks weijin, for stepping in last minute when we realise things are not going to be smooth running, for taking charge smoothly of the attendance and seating, and queueing up the awardees....for helping to train YX....

thanks Pan, ZK, Stuart, Bernard, Aik Ann, Kashing...for all the movements of tables...especially when told last minute...honestly i didnt know why i dare say i promise 100%...but i think it is becos i know i have the team that can do it, and did it! The feedback i got was positive, and that it was done professionally. :) It was almost flawless! well done. tho, i was a little worried, i wasnt too worried.somehow i have full confidence in the team. Dr tang and Ms sion were impressed too! :) . It may be backstage job, taken for granted by most/if not all...but it is those who are willing to be at the backstage, that can read situation, and prepare the stage for others that are often the ones we cant do without.

of cos my 2 new greenhorns from 407 did look pretty and did well too! I was quite pleased with them, tho they need to be more confident and think on their feet when things didnt go right...still good start!

Thanks also to those who help pack the certs on mon 630 - 8/wed 7-8pm : rachel, mingyan, bernard, ernest, shoun chiang, aikann, dylan, stuart, weijin, kashing...hope i didnt miss anyone out...

and yes, also on last wed, 2 - 3pm, Gerlynn, yanling, rachel, mingyan, for helping with the vouchers...

perhaps to all of u, all these are nothing...and it is fun... to me,all these are duties, important tasks that must be done well.... but having u all there....made it fun for me too cos you all are forever so cheerful, and nothing is too much trouble...whether early in the morning, or late in the evening....

whatever conflicts, and confusion...i have to say i was glad for the occasion to be able to see these kids more often since I no longer teach them...working with them reminds me of the joy i have had teaching them and seeing them grow...wont have much opportunity left...they are growing up fast...and it will be different once they leave sch..

thanks alot....this is also to tell you...dont underestimate little touches of consideration and kindness.... it can means alot to someone else.....

if people take a little trouble not to centre life on themselves, take some trouble not to make assumptions to suit themselves, their own schedule; take time to do a little to give support and encouragement... it will go a long way.....

Honestly they are a huge consolation to me.... i am writing all these to keep record, also to help count my blessings especially at this time, when i feel very very very far from good....
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whatever others do.... dont descend to the low point.... keep up kindness, keep up ideals....actually i am telling myself, ........SSH....move on....!

actually i am very very very tired of many many many things....actually i feel very lost.....cocooned in a whirlpool that is dragging down everything....and feeling very very aged....and.....

But to all these wonderful kids, THANKS ALOT!!!

Must look up! Must look at silver lining!!! Even when droplets are falling within...