what a day may bring....

Apart from the family gatherings, cny actually doesnt mean much to me, except to see the kids. The first two days passed rather quickly to me, partly because I was helping sk with some more cooking for gatherings at her end, and partly because I was seriously aching all over.

At the end of the second day of cny, I was deciding whether to cook the curry for the kids in the night ahead of the next day. But was so tired, that I thought, rest, and get up early tomorrow. After all everything is prepared. That night, for some reason or other, I tossed and turned, and couldnt get to sleep. At 1254, I heard the message beep from my hp. If I was asleep, I would have missed it.

Because sleep was far from me, I decided to take a look at the message, which i had assumed to be some passing greetings or communications from friends. I was taken aback to see message from nephew to say B2 fainted and was on his way to hospital. Many messages followed thereafter. B2 had a heart attack, and was very unstable. I decided to make the trip to cgh rather than wait for news.  Also I felt I should be there to give ML, P and C support.

Thereafter followed a few hours of anxiety. They managed to insert a stent but with a 100% artery blocked and irregular heartbeat, there was a danger of a second heart attack. It depended on how he responded to the stent. Two doctors wont say more than that he is dangerously ill and can go either way.

I got back from cgh about 5am. In my mind, I couldnt decide whether to carry on with the gathering of the kids... about 30 is expected, and with food almsot prepared....i grabbed two hours of sleep finally decided to carry on as per normal, and started cooking in the morning. The only difference is I will end it by 4pm instead of extending to the evening.  

Meantime, getting regular updates of progress.....

Thankfully, things did stabilised, and hopefully, in a few days time, he will be discharged. I must commend the medical staff of cgh very highly for the way they handled the emergency as well as communicated with us. I will write another post on recent encounters with medical personnel....

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Because my mind was not really at the gathering, I must admit, I hardly know whats going on though I would think I was still a fairly good host. ld was fantastic. I contacted him and he was at my place by ten and stayed till the end to give me the support. I didnt know if I would be summoned to hospital by a call. And I was so tired with so little sleep, having him around gave me moral support.

Apart from the 2011 kids, the 2012 kids also turned up, ten of them. It was a pleasant surprise to see them. I guess part of the reason why the kids are all here is because they miss the company of their buddies, and this is a place for them to congregate and have their catch up sessions. In total, there would have been nearly 40 kids here. I still say kids, but they are 19 to 20 years old.

At some points, I just felt like a 'mum' providing food, and clearing up the kitchen, not part of them as they are engrossed in their own world of talk and play. Do I mind? No. Actually, I am contented and happy to play that role. That the kids are so comfortable and feel at home and want to be here, to me is the greatest compliment. I would have wished to know more about what happened to them, but I think cny is really not the time, and anyway in my befuddled mind, very little register. I think however it did not affect their enjoyment. I hope.

However blur i was, I was really happy and glad to see each of them.....and was glad i didnt cancel it. Somehow they are now part of cny.....

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At the end of the day, it was really a stunning time In a short space of less than 24 hours, a close family member should have been this near to death, and just got pulled back just in time. It is really hard to describe that shock, and feeling. Not quite sure even now, if i have recovered from that shock.  ttk was also very kind and supportive, checking regularly to find out if things were ok. Really appreciated that.

I guess it wasnt just the suddeness of the heart attack. It was alot of things as well....I am only thankful that I had said, and written, and meant it, that accounts were closed. As such, whatever the turn of events, I could face and embrace all with an open heart. That really mattered to me. I was thankful I didnt face those dreadful hours of waiting, regretting that I had not done this or that. 真的没有遗憾。

I didnt realise that when I wrote of family ties a few days ago, such a turn of event should have taken place. I am grateful that having had my heart enlarged, to forgive and to leave things behind, I was able to give support to others and as I had said, I would want to be there for them, I was.

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No one knows what a day may bring. It is good to keep accounts short and clear. And to value each family member and friends, and show it.

As for me, i know whom i believed and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which i have committed to him until the end....

Family ties

For the first time I can ever remember, every member was here at the same time, at the same place. The closest was that last christmas for mum in 2009 at sk's place. But then, two persons were missing. j2 suggested taking a family shot, and we did, an amalgam of 4 families with extended members, 20 in all. And me on my own, yet the only one that can get all under one roof yearly. I was glad to see the next generation interacting. I did it for them.

I did alot to make this happen this year. Actually, i really had to take several deep breath, to go through the cooking. I did three of mum's dishes, favourite to all. Two of them were successful replicate, especially the pig's stomach soup. Honestly as I went through the preparation over the week, so many familiar scenes flashed into my memory. I was always the only one that helped mum. Actually, cny's eve was always the sad part. There had been times, it was only mum, dad and myself as the rest all had reasons to be elsewhere. It was especially hard when dad was immobile due to stroke. B2 was the only. one that came over with his family to have the reunuin dinner., for a few years. That I will never forget. I knew it meant alot to mum.

Mum being a super cook, I was naturally relegated the non-essential tasks. As a result, no one in my own family knew I could cook and I made no effort at all the last 3 years. It took all by surprise that I was going to, and that I managed to do so. But what they will never know is the inner turmoil doing it. At a few points, I did want to cry. But I didnt. I am still me.

Mum kept everyone together by her food. Her grandchildren always talked about her curry and her soup. I wanted to do her justice by continuing her tradition. And I knew I could. S1 did one dish and she did that well. Good for her! I am protective of S1. There is also a story, I will write one day.

 It was however, punishing, to do all on my own. Thankfully, P accompanied me for the shopping of groceries a few days ago, and was at my place at 10 this morning to help and left not long ago after all the cleaning up. That was really appreciated especially when aches and pains of various sort creep in with time.

Now in the quietude of my own company, 很多感慨。Some weeks ago, there was an exchange in messages between me and a younger generation member. In trying to work out a solution toward an unresolved matter, he wrote,' sorry that it got into this stage, hope i dont lose your trust or whatever that is left."

That touched me actually. I was disappointed for some months. I replied, " I hope you will keep yoru word and fulfil your promise. I kept the harmony in our complicated familie ties over the last 30 years by sacrificing and never raising money issues with any one. I did my duty as if I was the only child....... I want you to understand this.....you must learn responsibility and sort this out first.....Please earn back my trust because I really want to help you."

They all knew it was true. I hope, I really hope, to see the next generation growing up to be responsible and managing their lives well.

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What are family ties? We can choose friends. We cant choose our family.

I have always prefereed to be with friends over family. Mainly because, there is no thread of understanding. I am very different in so many ways. I am out of place in the family. Had always been.

But family is not about 'I' or preference. I always understood this clearly. Bonds that matter require a putting aside of yourself. The reason for keeping bonds is not in what you get, or what the other person is. It is the bond itself that matters and that is valued. It could be family bonds, friendship bonds, bonds with students and to me, above all, bonds in Christ.

Things descend downwards when one turns it to be ego-centric or one gets into a critical frame. It can make things very ugly. Sometimes, there are genuine issues. But in all issues, one needs to know one's valuation. With years, one has the benefit of experience and temperance, and wisdom.

And I know mine valuation. In my mind, I have finally cleared the 'accounts' and wrote off many things and closed them finally. Accounts known only to me. Whilst there had been times I did wish things had not been it were for me as a kid, I have been mercifully preserved, and that I am where I am today, with so many blessings, I am thankful. 

 My 'family' will probably never be among my soulmates. My mind is in a differnt realm somehow from them. But, I think I know I will be there for them. And I want to be there for them. And I hope, I will bear  a faithful testimony to them, to the end.

Whether they are there for me or not doesnt matter that much. I dont count on it, and trust in the Lord's mercies for my latter days.

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I have alot to be thankful for especially many dear friends and ex-students. The setting up of  this place, the many tokens of the goodness shown to me is everywhere. When I looked around me, I am amazed that I have so much. Actually its my friends, more than any family members that had helped me with this place.

And to the few old friends from my childhood and youth, I do value them deeply. Especially at this age where frailities are beginning to set in. I am touched by kuech and ttk. Because they knew me, each in their own way, their going the extra mile for my health and welfare is a comfort. I dont take anything for granted.

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The Lord is good and merciful. Charity never faileth.

Update

Had intended to update earlier, but somehow time just slipped past....and tires easily too.
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More or less (more more than less) the place has been put to order. That included clearing the store and the kitchen cabinets, and getting plants in, which i didnt expect that I would be able to complete this round. Except for the way the kitchen is, which i cant change unless i am prepared for a massive overhaul (which i am not), things are the way I would want them to be.

I owe much to Mr Soon, who did alot to accommodate my preferences. And, I remained his fan for the way his mind worked to get things done. Honestly, at 81, he is really observant and brilliant, yet so contented. And there is alot of wisdom in his words. I am truly grateful for his genuine care toward my welfare.

Now I get to see my greeneries, and flowers; shells and books and piano; and cats and cats and cats. :) Its not difficult to know what i like.

Many of the shells were handpicked, some 15-20 years ago. Why shells came into my life, there is also a story. But the story cant be told. I can only say, that there had been a time, where picking shells was my sole joy. I saw in them, in their varied shapes, size and specie, the wonders of God's creation. At a time, where my spirit was very very very low, I could only looked down, yet in looking down, I saw simplicity and beauty. And that gave me joy. I am easily contented.

I am glad that I could put them all in display. They have come a long way with me.

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Met up with L two weeks ago, and had a nice chat. Was glad about that cos to me L is not merely my lecturer and supervisor, but a like minded educationist and a warm person who can be a good friend. It was a little rough last year, but we had thrashed it out toward the end of the year, and hopefully, I would be getting down to it soon after cny.

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I had agreed to return to my alma mater for a talk with a sec 1 class about our school days. Cl was the organiser and roped in 8 of us. It was the first time i had gone back since they moved to TP. And yes, i lost my way driving there. :(

I didnt feel I did a good job. I guess, for me, having rapport and that personal touch is important. I am just not a one-off speaker. And more than just telling them about my school days, I really wanted to tell them most about living the motto, Simple in virtue, stedfast in duty. I guess it was not possible somehow. Maybe I have lost the touch of teaching....

I was glad however to meet Mrs M. She managed to recall who I am, and that is more than 30 years ago. She was actually a biology teacher, who taught my class A Math when i was in Sec 3. I remembered quite a few of her lessons, especially teaching differentiation by first principles. I can remember doing it clearly. I also remembered the lessons on permutation and combinations, and the trigo formula she put on the board I never forgot any of them. I thought most of the others would also remember. I realised I may have been the only one.

I was not a student that talked with teachers. But I listened in class, if they made sense. And if they didnt, well, I did my own work.  I did appreciate a few of them, and Mrs M was one of them. We were her first batch, and really she cared. She got me out of class twice to talk to me over what she observed. I was grateful. That motivated me alot. So, it was good to see her, who is now the VP of the school, and probably with retirement not far off.

With Cl being a key person in alumnus, I guess there would be more such occasions....

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Did do the 10km walk last week with cl and kuech, but it is punishing on the aching joints. Then went to nursey with kuech. Headache was bad, but when the bamboo was sent that night, with the bougainvillea and herbal plants, it was really worth the effort.

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Met up with wp and ay for dinner. Good chat. Didnt realise time had passed so quickly that it had been nearly 7 months since I last met up with wp.

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Also caught up with ttk after some months of silence in email comm. Like kuech and cl, there is a high degree of comfort, since this is another more than 3 decade bond. In fact, ttk is one of the very rare few (probably less than a handful) whose advice I will take note and whom i will acknowledge to be superior to me in pereception and insights; in thoughts  in breadth and depth; in reasoning, highly cogent yet tempered with humanity. Actually ttk probably know and understand me most....we dont always agree, but that mutual understanding is always there. In many ways, the bond is deep....we have walked a long way, with more diversions than convergence...and at this latter stage, there is consolation to have good old friends walking together.

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Dinner at ld's place with vl's family was a warm occasion. Its almost like a family, and really i do regard them so.

Its been nearly two months since I had written, 我要振作。 I am thankful that from then on, each day, steps are taken. Some days, more; some days, less. But it has been moving forward.

I am actually looking forward to cooking this cny's eve lunch. Its the first time, since i have always relied on catered food. Partly because, I was just doing so out of duty. But this time, I am doing it, because they are family ties. I have dumped alot of baggage. Its not to say, I dont have reservations. But, what that can be forgiven and forgotten, I think I have made it.

With ls and ky, we also seemed to have overcome barriers, and I hope we will walk stedfastly to the end.

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So the first month ended well, and the second month remained warm and placid.

Looking forward to seeing the kids next week. :)