In Remembrance

This is the fourth anniversary of a boy that would have been twenty this year.....

I will remember you. Always. As far as I am enabled, I will reach out to a young hand, perchance, a touch, a word, may have help enable the young to continue in his/her path. I will do this, in remembrance of you. I will not let you be forgotten....not in my memory. Not just on this day.

pause...

somehow things and time seem to freewheel...abit too fast. I really need to pause, which I did, missing the clinic session in the afternoon today...

After 3 Jan, the right arm that I fell on, and which had an existing nerve impingement and rotary cuff tendon issue began to hurt quite badly. So, there were a few days of seeing to it, from acu (which didnt work) to polyclinic, xray, arcoxia, and muscle manipulation treatment which helped most. For some moments, i was a little concern about being 'handicap', zg took me for the xray, and abit sheepish that the injury was caused by trying to ride a bicycle at my age. Still, I am glad I did have that chance to cycle, and despite the pain, it is well worth it.

One often just see the external. Given my cautious nature, that was something I would never have undertaken had I had time to 'think'. There is something sweet about spontaneity. Also, that sense of delight, that of a child, is something that means alot to me. I do not deliberately try to get the childhood I never had. But, when unexpected moments allow me that experience of feeling the wind brushed past the face and being 'free', it is almost like a child, free and happy! So, the experience means alot to me.

Thankfully, after a couple of days, I was able to get a good range of movement and things got back to norm. But the norm becomes quite a stressful routine, as the tcm course gets tougher, with more work and clinic sessions. The question, how long do i want to continue is becoming more pertinent. There are still many things to learn. But, learning under the constant reminded of the end exams, as well, as a tight schedule that does not allow reflection, is not ideal. There are other issues that perturb me, and it is highly unlikely that I will see this to its end, which would mean another 3 years. Would I really practice? I doubt so. Its a question now at which point to discontinue....

My heart remain very much with teaching and learning, observing kiddies and how they learn. If I free my time, i am able to help more kiddos. In the long term, there are a couple of places that I would like to be more involved for the long run....

Meantime, the last two weeks have been quite occupied; O level results for N was much better than expected, and it was good to see her to discuss what future course. Managed to attend the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra at Botanics; meeting up with wc is always a pleasure; preparing for LK's and G's visit; and hoping here and there, to be of help to the young. And then, knowing M is deteriorating leaves one heavy hearted;

And SC's mother's passing last Friday....was glad to visit him with ld, oh, and hc. The bonds with many of them, especially, ld, I will always value. And many others, both teachers and students...am glad to have caught up with a few last dec, and probably more to come with the approaching cny...

So, yes, I need the time to pause. ...I no longer want to be swept by demands here, or there, especially those demand by systems for their own convenience, and 'live' and yet not live. I do not want to be unthinking, drifting along. I never want to lose sight of the welfare of persons; I have received much, really abundantly much. What little good that can be done, I want to, and place it above the valuation of this world. The things that can be seen, these are temporal. The things that cannot be seen, these are eternal.

The earth O Lord is full of thy mercies, teach me thy statutes!

A tranquil start....

It has been really a lovely start of the year, with the Coney Island visit. This was planned a few weeks back, now seemingly an annual event, the fourth for some of us, the third for most of the rest. Last year, the boat trip to Pulau Ubin made my day. This year, very unexpectedly, I actually got on a bike, though with trainer wheels attached. For one that has never cycled my whole life, this was quite a 'momentous' occasion! It was unplanned. I had thought I would just walk...but was easily encouraged to cycle.

I have to admit, the loveliness of Coney Island was not in focus. Whilst I was really thrilled that I could actually sort of cycle, and really enjoyed the experience, for me, what made this trip so unforgettable was the companions of this trip. The zhang family came along and that was good. Zh's advice for my beginning experience were crisp and subtle, as always, and came in handy. But what filled my heart with much warmth is the care, attentiveness, carefulness and watchfulness of J, K and L for ls, ky and myself. Though at several points, I was really scared because my sense of balance and coordination are poor, and the ground wasnt really smooth for a beginner cyclist, but I knew I was in good hands, many pairs of good hands.

To say I was touched is really almost an understatement. J, K and Ld are three persons that had been with me alot for the last 4 years and 8 years respectively, and to whom, I owe an immense debt just by their companionship, which is always with so much consideration. And that they watch over ky and ls as their own friends, so carefully, k piggy riding ls, I am very very touched. In some ways, in my whole life, the friendship of these three had been the most caring and touching, perceptive to my fears and unwellness....hadnt been well, with migraine coming back with a vengence. Perhaps its because they view me as an 'elder', that needed to tbe taken care of. All the more commendable. If this remains my only cycling experience, I wont want it any other way. And yes, I did fall. Twice. But happily fell, with good advice, and always helped out by caring hands.

And together with thc and lsc who are among some of the lovely people from nush, this day will stand in my memory as a day that I have been very happy. First day of 2016. Lovely.


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Second and third day of 2016

Visited mum, with the kind companionship of J and K, their second visit with me. This is the 6th anniversary on 8 Feb. Am much more at peace. Today, I visit dad. On 15 Jan, it would be the 17th anniversary. Yes, more at peace. I still wish, wish very much, that I was a much much better daughter. Had I the understanding of myself, of them, of circumstances that I have now....I cannot turn back time....I can only pay it forward and do what little good I can.

Hope to be more conscientious in exercise regime, and do what is needful to keep the physical frame going till the day be done. No one knows what a day can bring. No one knows how many more days, weeks, months, years. What good that can be done, including taking care of oneself for good to be done, I resolve to do. There is still work to be done.

And very gratefully, B remains on the mend and my constant companion.

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I am continually grateful for every good and mercies received. There be many things I have no understanding. I only know I am a pilgrim and a sojourner upon this earth. To those that helped me in the earthly path, I wish for the eternal good of your soul, for which I do pray continually.

This is a good tranquil start to the year, having tied up most of the things I needed to see to. Hope to keep more regular record for the year.

And to the two kids that had helped me start this blog, now into its 7th year, thank you. very much.

31 December 2015

A short final post for the year 2015....

Am very grateful that T and B, especially B are still with me. I didn't know what to expect from when I last wrote, the last 14 days of steroid had helped her pulled up. For how long, I do not know. Sufficient for the day is the care thereof. I am truly very grateful for the blessings of each day.

This year seemed a long year. The deepest impact is the passing of Mr Lee KY. It wasn't just for that moment. I will never forget how much I had taken things for granted; how obtuse and biased some of my views had been, amidst some others that may have been right; how easily one can fall prey to seeds of doubt sown, and fail to acknowledge the much good that had provided me for with security and safety. I will never forget the lessons learnt through his passing.

The sg50 events and the general elections that took place were incidentals to the year, and they had added to make 2015 stand out.

The passing of cousin bc and niece yl made the year a sad year. Though not unexpected, it does not mitigate the loss felt. It seemed deaths and illnesses are now making themselves very much present.

On a personal front, i got rid of the albatross 'legitly' and finally finished the Masters of GE. I pause for this year, and maybe the next....where I would go from here in the realm of education, I am still pondering.....meantime, tcm is a mind occupier....clinic sessions start next semester....it remains to be seen how far more I will venture on.

I have mellowed. More importantly, I have come through many internal conflicts, and cleared many debris within. I just want to move forward, toward the heavenly country that I seek after. My concern and care for many of my friends, especially those that had been good and kind to me over these past years is increasingly a weight on my soul. I hope they would be able to see the hope that is in me, for the world to come, and enquire after this hope that is now the source of my joy....the hope that is wrought for me through the gospel of God.

The path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day.
Proverbs 4:18

With the passing of time and increase of age, the ebbing of strength and the physical frame is inevitable. But the inner man is renewed day by day, and the hope and joy of that which is to come becomes more endearing.

I am glad I am no longer young. But I would still wish to do what I can for the young. God has been very good to me, in this year 2015. In looking back, though the losses from the past are still painfully felt, perhaps, in some ways, spiritually, this is one of the best year, where the peace of God that passeth understanding had filled the inner being, especially in times of dark downsittings.

I remain very grateful to my companions, friends, and many of my former students. They have added alot of warmth and care to my life. Grateful is an understatement.  And I am so happy to cross into 2016 with T and B.