Education

This is my  response to the education debates that have been dominating headlines...
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My first question is, What does education mean to each and every one of us? I have thrown this question to my 403 in our mentoring session before.

What is education? Whose responsibility? Is it couch in a system? What is the purpose of a school? What is the role of teachers? Everyone knows the role of a doctor. What is the role of a teacher? It seems obvious, but if one see the whole myriad of tasks that teachers have to do, often without choice, one really need to ask that question.

If one wants to find some 'panacea', start from the premise. If the premise is not laid down, all the tinkering leads only to confusion. And it starts with stating the role of school, the roles of teachers. Laying down the premise focuses the issues.

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I remembered some years ago, hearing a lady who was from a prominent school, who holds a senior position in education saying, I dont remember much of my school days except one incident which she went on to relate. It wasnt significant. I only remember, at that moment, I thought how sad.

I was also similarly disturbed by statements from distinguished people saying, they couldnt remember what they learnt, only the activities or kindness from teachers, or their times with their friends. I also thought how sad. Surely, schools should be the place that spur students to want to learn, to want to open the windows of their mind....

Few, there be, though thankfully, there are, of those I know, who remembered some lesson well taught, some teachers upholding integrity, and best of all, those who can say of their schools that imbued the sense of belonging (not branding) and made them feel they are part of a community.

I remembered a friend relating how he learnt trigonometric graphs from his math teacher, how his teacher taught him from the first principles. He lived in a two room flat then, and attended a school, that if ranked, is probably very far from being the top. He said, I come from an unranked school, yet, my teacher built our concepts. He went on to be a great lover of mathematics, a mathematics teacher, a mathematics textbook author. He was talking of  mathematics lesson more than 30 years ago, when all schools had was, chalk and board.

Our experience of education affects how we see roles of schools and teachers. Teachers are often the by products of their education. The key personnel in delivering 'education' are teachers. We are likely to teach the way we are taught, at least for the initial few years. In some cases where we had not gained, we remember not to teach the way we were didnt learn well. Those who see only the imporatnce of winning and scoring as students, well, what would they advocate? Teachers beliefs and experiences drive them.

I have written many a times of my school days, of my alma mater. Indeed, my school was the haven in the tempest of my early years... and my love for learning grew and never abated....

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In those days where we had so much less materially, we were the richer for it. Those who love to learn, fight for opportunity to learn through adversities especially when family situation may not be favorable. As students, we did housework, took on part-time jobs, those whose parents are hawkers helped their parents, and we forged on, to continue our education.

Not for career path. Not to be somebody. Not to have your future tracked for you because of whatever tiered scholarships.
Because we want to learn. To be educated. Is this imbue in our students? Or are test results continually dangled in front of them?

Many of our forefathers who were successful, did not get fanciful grades in schools. Some didnt even have the chance to go to school. But they were educated. And when they succeeded, many were generous to return to society, and were great philanthropists.

Singapore's education scene is the way it is, is because of the way it had been engineered. Education is equated with success, and success always equated with winning competitions, with attaining to academic success. Who drew the attention? The media?

Amongst the academically able, scholarships is seen as the key to their future, the start of the mapping out of their lives. Is this the purpose of education?

There are people who think because they have scholarships, they would get promoted or should get promoted. And so fast is their promotion, that many of these young who hardly accumulate indispensable teaching experiences are often given decision making positions.

I must be a slow learner. I think I reach a reasonable expertise level about the 8th year of my teaching.

Teaching experience matters? I reserve my views on this.  More accurately, its the accolade that you collect along the way, the number of conferences you present, how 'high the level' of your contribution, how high you score in ranking, what your perceived potential  is, I think, there is a term for it, CEP? From just a mere one or two year's experience, potential can be seen? How long does it take for a apprentice to attain expertise in any craft?

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We have lost alot. Which is so ironic In the old days, many of us became educators for low pay, but we had high ideals.

When I was a trainee teacher, there were principals known so much for their educational values, and so well-loved by the school community. I can recall at least 5 principals, some of whom I have never met before, but their testimony was well known in the education circle. One of them, Mr Cheong Heng Yuen, who turned Pei Cai Secondary school round, and went on to champion the cause of Pastoral Care and Career Guidance when he was the Deputy Director. I remembered attending a meeting with my school Principal, and he would admonish the principals to place the welfare of the students above ranking, above the glory of the school. I respect him for his courage and true convictions.

Pray, how many can one find amongst the present education leaders that have his credentials? What Mr Cheong advocated, was not theory. He carried them out through dedicated years as a teacher, and Principal. He showed it could be done, and it was. Give us more of such true educators whom the young can emulate, whose passion and vision are not generated by authorities on high.

Teachers' pay in Singapore are among the best in the world. Yet, I have heard young teachers expressing they are not well paid, for their ability and work done. And feel their promotion is due. Where is the conviction? Where is the passion? Where are the values?

Were values and character building not a concern in the past? Yes, it was. Thats why Civcs and Moral Education were introduced. I remembered in the first training session in combined schools training. I personally thought the lady leading it was quite good, but the training program in itself, well, the same cannot be said.

When she asked if there were any questions, a teacher put up his hand, and asked bluntly,  When will this program be replaced? She was adept in her reply, and she genuinely did believe that the new program would address some issues. But the teacher was right. From Civics lessons, to Religious Knowledge, to Pastoral Care and Career Guidance, those of us who stayed long enough are natural cynics. The constant is change.True enough, the program was replaced within 5 years?

And each new program cost new resources....who bears the accountability?

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Honestly, I do believe there is now a sincere attempt to address issues. More sincere than any time I have seen and there seem to be alot of soul searching. I have alot of respect for Mr Tharman in particular.But the focus i hope is on the substance, not changing the form.

The structure of the system, examination, modes of grading, 'character building' programs may need some refinement but they may not be the essense of the issue. Though they are cited as the vitals, they may not impact the true substance of education.

There had been so many changes, constant changes....really too many changes. Why introduce further uncertainties? Why not work on what that truly matters?

There is nothing very 'wrong' with PSLE. The main complain has always been directed at the mathematics questions. And as a mathematics teacher I agree, that is a big issue. One cant stress creative problem solving too early because at an inappropriate cognitive stage, it does more damage. I feel very sad hearing students telling me, I cant do math since primary schools.  And how many of the primary school mathematics teachers saw the thinking process themselves?

Being able to solve a problem does not equate critical thinking or problem solving. Is it so unknown that many teach mathematics procedurally?  And that the country ranked well in international mathematics because Singapore's mathematics curriculum has one of the highest correlation with PISA test? And one factor for the success is, the amount of extra hours outside of curriculum put in by students?

How many among the 30000 teaching force read research papers and reports? Or are even remotely interested, or even know of their existence? If teachers dont seek to know more, and take the initiative to learn and understand more of learning theories and address learning issues, then, how can they teach problem solving when they have to be instructed all the time? I have heard teachers who declare they dont like to read. And many who just want to be told what to do. Even at postgraduate level.

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I believe changes must be made, if they are necessary. But is tinkering, without knowing if they are indeed relevant  necessary?

Are there changes that are necessary? Yes. There are some things that truly matters.

Classroom size. Give teachers smaller classes, about 30. Give teachers more teaching time for their subject. Unbelievably, subject time has to compete with co-curricular activites time. Of greater concern is, many teachers are relegated to so many extraneous duties, they hardly have time to focus on their teaching preparation and reflection. In fact this is often the area sacrificed because it cant be seen, it cant be measured. Teaching cannot be reduced to mere content delivery.

Focus teachers on teaching, on content, on pedagogy, on understanding the growth and welfare of children, both cognitive and affective development. Give teachers time and space.

Every teacher should be the role model of character building and values. That is the duty of every teacher. Examinations can be used as a means to build character, integrity, perseverance, resilience, obstacle test. In itself, there is nothing wrong with examinations. What went wrong is the failure of education personnel in their perception of it. There are educational values in examination. Sadly, it is often the school and the educators that miss the mark.

The award chasing to 'brand' school should cease completely. That and the ranking of teachers for 'performance bonus' and promotion had been instrumental in obscuring the focus of education.

Save the expenses of overseas trips. It is an enormous expense. Did I read the headlines that it is never too young to embark on overseas educational trips? At pre-primary? Really? Why not use the money more prudently for the overall core good of the pupil? This is one way of teaching the importance of living within your means.

I remember in my Secondary school days, there was a fund-raising for students who could not afford a certain overseas trip. I remembered then wondering, why are we doing this? if you cant afford to go, dont go. I never applied because I knew I couldnt afford. Why should I be subsidised for what I could not afford? Why is that seen as a deprivation? At 16, I saw it. I couldnt understand why others couldnt. Live within your means. And be content. That is intelligence in itself.

Conduct a longitudinal research and see what real lasting educational values have been attained. How much has been spent on such trips? Both students and education personnel as well. Compile the costs, and account how much educational values are gained? Or lost....

And let research results be more publicly accessible.

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When parents spent time with their children, they imbue lifelong values.

When teachers spent time with their charges, doing what they are supposed to do, which is to teach and care for them, it would more likely attain to the true substance of education. Then only can the 'utopian' state of every school being a good school be realised. Then the pressure of examinations and the consequences from it would not be viewed as so dire.

Finally, before teachers blame the system for all the lackings, I still say the same, reflect your own responsibility. Soul searching does not start from policy makers. It starts from us as teachers. If you are an educator, it is your responsibility to each kid, whatever the system.

Complaining is not taking responsibility. You choose to be a teacher, be a good teacher.

We owe it to the kids, to help them in their way ahead. Doctors owe it to their patients. No difference for teachers. I can say this, because as a teacher, I take responsibility. Whatever the system, whatever my unhappiness, I place my students first. Over two decades.

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I hadnt suggest anything new. And all these are obvious.

So is the fact that the Emperor is not wearing clothes...

silver linings...

in the midst of maze, look beyond the mist, and see every silver linings....

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over these past 2-3 weeks, at different time, the kids wrote. Each time, getting the notes/cards even today, it adds quiet joy.

Today, when the final math paper started, i was surprised to receive a card with sincere words of thanks from 7 teachers. And tokens from two of them. And some of us took breakfast together and had a good chat. I was gratified.

I am acutely aware of days catching up, and diminishing energy. I really want to pass on the craft of teaching. If I can but kindle 2 to 3 teachers who can pass on to other teachers, it would do more. than i can on my own......but where are the avenues? i dont want to do it through the 'academic" way, or via 'workshops'/'conferences'. I know the only way is to work amongst them, and set the example. Example is better than precepts. 

For whatever that had not gone right this year, at least in this respect, I was able to fulfil what i wanted. I dont know how it would be seen or received. I only know always to uphold the mantra 'Simple in virtue, Steadfast in Duty'  and to do my best for the kids each day.

Honestly, i totally didnt expect the show of comradeship today.  It warms the heart and made the departure pleasant...of a sense of having done the duty of the day...of the year.

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i know myself well, and know its necessary to keep myself 'occupied', so i arranged to see kyc whom i have not seen for a long time. honestly, i almost thought of calling it off, as the spiral creeps in. But she had text to say she was looking forward to it....

it was a lovely catchup, a chat we hadnt had for a long long time. whilst getting lunch to her place, when i parked my car at the carpark, it brought back memories of one of my chats with her at exactly the same place, some 4 years ago. It was a very low period then, and though she didnt understand the depth i was in then, the sweetness and kindness she showed, just by being a person who care, brought alot of warmth. And i remembered she text me thereafter. Her sweet messages i kept for many months to tide through the billows then.

Since she is a mother of one, we hadnt had much time to talk. And with two more to come soon, she will be having more than a handful to manage. It was good to meet up, and really in essence, the bond remains sweet. It is really such a pleasure to have such friendship.

Then as always, my faithful friend ld. So thankful he has finally seen the end of his masters. It has been a rough road for him. This has been another very lovely bond. Not one that I had expected it at the start, since I started out mentoring him to teach. i have noted that most young people who proclaim to want to learn, never last long in their frame of learning. I have also learnt to have no expectations. Those who want to learn, will learn.

But ld has shown himself to be very different, with an excellent spirt of learning, and most of all, his high sense of conscientiousness in his preparation, in teaching, in integrity, whatever the adversities.

I thought to myself, as I drove back, I had in jest  claimed to 'adopt' both kyc and ld some years ago, and we were known at one time as the 'family of mother and children'. Meeting both of them today brought back many happy moments. It has truly been a meaningful bond.

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kuech text me asking me some weeks ago when i will join her for walks again. I appreciate that. ....Have arranged for it tomorrow. I know she and cl are also concern that i should have some foothold....we are not close, but i know they care...

Every sincere touch of friendship from genuine hearts is warm....

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listening to a duet now. the rendering of an oldie by steven ma and albert au 沉默是金.....i like duets.... in songs, in music playing.....

Good duets allow each vocals to show their distinctness, yet not overshadowing the other...contrasting and harmonising through the melody.....you can almost feel the bond....true friendship is like doing a good duet....just like this piece...my favorite.

its strange, of all the languages, i like cantonese songs best Same with shows. I realised my childhood impacted me very deeply.... Cantonese is really a beautiful dialect, witty and intelligent, and depth in expressions. actually its really strange cos, i learnt cantones through the tv shows when i was a child. Its not my dialect at all. The speak mandarin campaign eradicated dialects, and few there be that know dialects now. I am glad to be able to retrace the language that i love....and quiet pieces by these 2 exceptional (to me) singers.

thus end 30 october 2012 

wordlessness

Had tried to write a few times. In many ways, there have been alot  of thoughts to pen, a continual flow of reflections....
 
Yet in some ways...wordlessness encapsulates all words...
 
In 12 hours time, a phase would have ended. the cost to me, is far more than any would know. And to this moment, i would still say the same...no regrets...when i see the kids...78 of them....worthwhile. .... every word of thanks, every note, letter at this moment mean alot to me....and is immense consolation.
 
Would it be a momentary impact, or a more lasting mark, no one will know.  in my ideal mind, i really wish, the effect would span a long long time...at least for one or two....

I only know i genuinely imparted a part of my life in these ten months.... the thoughts that went behind each preparation with seeing each kid in my mind.... no one will understand what i mean....unless he/she knows what it is to teach with the heart. One may teach a class...but each face, each individual, each child tells a story....

Teaching is an art. Just as one may watch a show, read a book, hear a song, view a work of art, one see it in ' wholeness', and rarely do one consider the process that bring each to the 'wholeness'. Behind every gesture acted, every word crafted, every note composed, played, sung, every stroke of the brush, to the truly feeling performer, writer, musician, artist a part of their lives went into it, understood only to themselves.

Teaching is an art. One stepped into a class, the faces in front of you, you forget who you are...art takes over..the content that is a part of you to be conveyed... hoping that it would kindle them to see the elegance of the knowledge; you see the unseen mind, heart, spirit to be nurtured, not in singular lessons, but crafting over the passage of time; , the imprint gradually takes a more definite shape....and you have to watch, wait, consider, craft....and sometimes, oftentimes, one do not get to see the effects.....but one continue to hope...

Teaching is an art....an art of the heart....who understand what i mean?

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What lies ahead with the end of this phase is no crossroad ~ more like a wasteland stretching ahead.......... maybe not so endlessly.....in life's uncertain passage.

Unfulfilled aspirations are perhaps one of the hardest to bear....almost like unrequited love...and age does not mitigate it. In fact, it is far more poignant. 

There was a point in time in the past few years.......... i almost see the possibility in the horizon...considering the wastedness of most part of the strength of my days.......and it took me so long for me to have a depth of understanding of what lies within...at that time, i was really so grateful that at such a late stage of my life, a fulfilment in part may be possible....

It gave one some purpose, and i worked hard, very very hard,......... and really hope for some more certain fruition of the gift in oneself ....however little the gift, it was still a gift.....and one can sow for others to reap....

But thorns and biers obscured the path, and untold conflicts....finally, i chose to abandon the path....  
 
Few people can press on without motivation, much less without encouragement. some are motivated by fame, some worked for power, some for recognition, some for wealth, some just have the drive in their belief in themselves to find a place for themselves. Yet for others, their sense of self-survival reign supreme.
 
I lacked all the above motivations. And I am glad I dont have them. I have no finishing power also. Truly, a chain is as strong as its weakest link.

It is however, not easy to know a latent potential remain in an inchoate form. Time is no longer on my side. i looked at the wasteland ahead, and am wordless.

dont ask me what i will do next. its not what i do next that matters.......

it is what is within.... somehow its like back to a wilderness.....finding a path till the end of a journey.....

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wordlessness encapsulates all words.....

miscellaneous....and choices

since there was no lesson today, and most of the kids will be having exam on another subject, i decided to take the day off.

Its now quite hard to get into the mindset of the readings. although i have tried to keep that up, i realised to start writing seriously, i really need to immerse into it, and i am still unsettled with the kids exams still hovering. Time is running out, i know....hope somehow i can warm up to it...

havent seen alot of people for some time, and lunch was pre-arranged for catching up. Ironically, the person who arranged it couldnt turn up. It was good to see the others though, 5 of them, more than i had expected. It was nice to see all of them, but conversations were kept at surface level, cos not all are close buddies. And it always centre on education...

Lunch was at this new place called Star Vista? I was so proud of the fact that i actually got to a new mall (opened just a couple of weeks?). Buddy knew i am always 'left behind' in new things, so, he would always try to get me to 'somewhere new'. Yes, i really missed the company.

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Later in the day, it was good to catch up with Y. Though we had met a couple of times in education events, we had not caught up with conversation. Y was my student from my second school, nearly 20 years back, and now a teacher herself. I was surprised and glad she remembered the lessons in school, the debates, the discussions, the community projects that the class did, when there was no such thing as cip. What was introduced as new 'programs'  in her school, she did not see them as new as that was her experience in school. She realised now that alot of things that were in the lessons at her time were never in the 'O' level requirements.  She remarked that i had not changed after all these years.

I must say, that is a consolation. It was a very tough time when i taught her batch, which was actually my favourite batch of that school. I remembered the many, many trying times, with dad bed bound by stroke, and mum, on the verge of cracking up,  unable to take the strain any further. Maid's levy at that time was 300+, and my pay was very low. Mum didnt want me to bear that extra cost, but she couldnt take it either. And dad was also frustrated at home.

In the end, i had little choice...rather than sending him in and out of hospital to give mum some relief, I had to make the painful choice to put dad to the nursing home to give mum a break. I rarely cried, but that occasion I did, when I accompanied dad to the nursing home. It was heartbreaking to me. I couldnt believe that of all people, i should have to send dad to the nursing home....it just wasnt right....but i had no choice....

Mum was relieved, and in a way that was also what dad wanted. He somehow thought he may be better looked after. He wasnt... though I chose what was one of the best.  And It was exhorbitant, but mum didnt realised that.  I had to turn to sst to help with the cost. It was the first time that I had to open my mouth to ask for help. I had to tell her my bank account had reached nil. It literally reached 0. I had already worked for 9 years then. And yet, it was down to nil, with so many needs yet to meet.....and pressures from other quarters as well....sst was always kind to me.....

I dont how people can leave their folks at 'homes ' for long. It was really painful. I managed to persuade mum to get a maid and took dad back within 3 months.

Teaching then was my consolation. That was 1994 Nov. It was also the O levels at that time....I remembered that scene well... talking to Y, those days came to mind...

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I mentioned to her that was a difficult personal period. She was surprised and said she wouldnt have known at all. She asked how old I was then. I was younger than she is now.....I was really glad. At least, I upheld professionalism.

Y mentioned something quite striking. How professional is teaching? In some professional occupation, to reach a certain level of seniority, there is a need to clock a certain amount of experinece to attain to a level of expertise. And that has to be tested. Medical field in particular. For instance, in an area of specialisation, there must be a stipulated amount of cases for one to acquire the practical experience to reach an expertise level.

It is not unknown that this is not the case in many instances where education field is concerned here.

Whatever.
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In both conversation with my lunch buddies, and to Y, I guess what I am doing this year doesnt make much sense. Especially when there is minimal progress with the dissertation.  I am 'throwing away' my 'career' in teaching in stepping out from an established realm..... to a part-time/relief stint which is occupying me full-time.

But I said to them, and to her, when you received just one of those letters the kids wrote, it is priceless.....  Its really really worth it. 

If I was to make a choice again, I will still make the same choice

16 oct

officially the last teaching day. the remaining days are consultation sessions.

sigh. going to miss the kids lots. i realised i really really like classroom teaching. and i guess it is because it is reciprocated. as at this moment, this could possibly be my last classroom stint. well, at least, it has been very meaningful. although i really wasnt sure at a few points....

i am going to feel the withdrawal effect when it really finally ends end of the month. it has been a very intensive math-coaching time, so much so that it got into my dream, and 2 nites ago, i was scolding brownee in my dream that negative power is not a negative number and why she didnt get that right, and hoping tiger got that correct. i woke up hearing myself, giving the cats math instructions.

 ya, its nutty.  :(  o well.

i hope the kids keep in touch. i am really too sentimental, and really hate goodbyes....the consolation is the many positive memories with the kids...

Believing in the kids....

I read through the posts last year, and was glad i had kept record of thoughts and events, some of which i have forgotten. I actually thought some of the posts were rather good! :)

I told myself, I must keep up the habit, of capturing moments in words, so that i will remember them.....there are things i dont record. i firmly believe in the left hand not knowing what the right hand do. If i do put them down, then it is usually because of thoughts that go with it.
 
I arrived at school today (now yesterday) late morning, (I dont keep usual reporting time, since I am an ajunct staff), and was surprised that the form teacher of one of the class i teach passed me a note from one of the kids. It was a nice note, and rather unexpected. Gradually, over the day, I realised that as it was the 'graduation' day of the batch next week, the kids were given coloured papers which they are encouraged to drop notes of thanks to the teachers over the next few days.
 
a few more came in later... its always the thought that counts....and its appreciated....this time, most of the notes are from the guys. I thought it was unusual. Most chaps wont write. Among those who gave the small notes, were three chaps that are on my 'least favourite list', whom I have cross swords again and again. So, I was surprised. The girls have written very sweetly for Teachers' day.
 
These notes are the sustenance of a teacher. I took them out to read again, and I realised, there is a common thread, from the good students to those, well, not-so-good... and the thread is......... believing in them.

some of their words...

"...thank you for teaching me math although i keep making you angry.....thank you for being so patient...."
 
"thank you for teaching me math. I feel blessed to be your student. Although I am a bad student, but you believe in me..."
 
"thank you for being patient with me and tolerant with my attitude. With your guidance, I am able to see the path of light you were guiding me to. If it werent for you, I do not know what plight I will be."
 
"..i used to hate math and had a fear for maths......you are the most determined teacher that still believes that there is hope for us....."
 
"...you are the only teacher that I have met that believed in her students so much...."
 
".....thank you for not giving up on us....."

"thank you for being my inspiration"
 
".....you are the first teacher that i have met who teaches and encourages me not to give up...."
 
".......thank you for letting me see math in a new light......thank you for not giving up on me when I disappointed you really badly....."
 
"....even though I always said I wanted to give up, u did not give up on me and encourage me. Thats the reason why I want to make it through this journey..."

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Its both sad and touching.    I dont care for being 'nice'/'great'/'awesome' whatever these adjectives are supposed to mean. Its that they felt a sense of their worth that matters to me. 

Actually all the kids asked for......... is to believe in them....
 
Its easy to believe in well-behaved kids/diligent kids/ conscientious kids/ attentive kids.
 
Its not so easy when the positive qualities are not noticeably present.... to put it bluntly, conspicuously absent. And with  results quite far from being glittering..., its not easy. i am never sure which is the cause, which is the effect, even till now....
 
Its not so easy when it seems most times they are not helping themselves. And worse, at times, almost destructive to themselves and others...., its really not easy.
 
Teaching is about the kids. Not about the teacher teaching. Not about how hard teachers work, or what teachers do.
 
The focus is the kids, how to help them really learn...however negative things may be....

Its the kids, nurturing and developing their mind, and their persons.
 
The teacher, activities, content are the vehicles to do them. How to enforce discipline, how to manage the class, how to carry out the lessons, how to ensure learning is effected, how to impart values is where the craft of teaching comes in. It doesnt come overnight. And it doesnt assume willing learners.
 
To say, I had not wavered would be untrue. There was a time, i did give up in one short term teaching stint, despite having 15 years of teaching experience by then. I remembered that well. In that particular stint, i wasnt prepared. I didnt understand my learners. I expected them to be what i expected them to be. I failed. Where i failed, I did note, many teachers continued. And I learnt the issue was equally, actually more in me, than in the kids. Whatever their misdemeanour.
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Since then, I learnt. And I believe in all my kids, and know its important to convey that to them. They are still kids. Its at this formative stage that the most 'good' can be done, to deflect them from paths we dont wish them to tread. 

The kids must be the focus. We need to see in each of them, an individual, each with their own characteristic. I want them to see for themselves that they have that in themselves to be developed. And though they did not take themselves, lessons, and life seriously, one has to persevere to the end for the message somehow to get through. This does not come in the short term.
 
Actually things did caught me off guard in a few aspects. I didnt expect and didnt realise I had to work so hard this year.  But I knew I had to. If the kids dont see the improvement for themselves, they will not be able to believe in themselves. Everyone needs hope to believe. They didnt know the meaning of hard work. I had to show them. And they saw. Children learn what they see. Example is better than precept.
 
Did i expect to succeed? Actually no, I wasnt sure. I dare not have too much expectations. Actually, there have been quite a few moments that I despair.I only know I must do my duty to the end. If they did not respond, I have to evaluate myself, and my approach....and this i do daily.  
 
It helps to have experience. And above all, i know, charity never faileth.
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There are 2 more weeks to the end. Whatever their results, these words have justified this year of my life.

Not that I think the results would not be forthcoming. I think if they can sustain their momentum and have confidence, for most, if not all, i hope they would and should see their best attainment in math. 
 
so, yes, it has been a long time since i felt this sense of encouragement for myself. I realised I do not have the energy to do another bout like this again. But its really worthwhile. For all the material 'losses', and I guess, the tinge of disappointment that I would probably not graduate next year unless i convert out of the dissertation path, i think its a small price to pay if these few months have helped built some confidence in the kids, and give them some hope and encouragement.
 
For those that teach, and would-be teachers, believe in your kids. Everyone, however unteachable they may seem, can be taught. It is labourous, and can be thankless. We cant give up, because if we do, they will. lt doesnt matter which system one teaches in. Ultimately, its us and the kids.
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i am thankful. Very tired. But very very thankful. Especially because...... I didnt expect it. I am comforted.

Charity never faileth.

Trust

What do we mean when we say we trust someone?

I have wanted to write on this some time ago, but got deviated.

This thought came back to me just now, when sk's sink got choked, and i called mr soon. Sure enough, when he can, he came. He is now in his 70s. I know sk does not have the confidence that i have in this old chap. But i am very confident that he will not only resolve the problem, he will track the root cause, and provide advice to avoid recurrence. And so he did.

yes, i trust mr soon alot. In fact, he was the one that i trusted to clear mum's place, and to help me pack to move over to this place.

actually sometimes, the people u trust in life, may not be those closest to you, or even your good friends or constant companions. Of course the trust is qualified, as in not absolute trust', but confined to certain realms. For instance, if you need to get something done urgently, and you cant attend to it yourself, you will entrust it only to those whom you trust will see the matter for you. The same with say, having a doctor, lawyer, dentist that you can trust. These are not 'close' to us, but in their professional realm,  a trust is developed. Although I must say, i have noted that some people dont seem to see the need to exercise that discretion to be selective in trust, assuming anyone can see to what they are supposed to do.

So what is it that makes you trust someone? Time of acquaintance helps. But sometimes, it is through observations....

I knew mr soon by chance, nearly 20 years ago. I remembered it was a chinese new year eve, and i was helping mum in the kitchen. And he was seeing to a neighbour's pipe problem and was around the backyard, turning off water supply. Then mum said, uncle, its cny's eve, why are u doing repairing work now? He replied, cant be help. I was sick the last few days, and couldnt attend to the job, so now i am well, i must complete it, cny or not. The neighbour that he was attending to is an indian family. He is their regular contractor, and he speaks fluent tamil!

then i said to mum, get his number. He will be a reliable contractor. He gave us, and true enough, he was. I had been taken for many rides by contractors, so it is a relief to get a good one. But what made the difference was, one night, at rv, a couple of years after that acquaintance, there was a blackout again . Blackouts were relatively frequent, but usually ratified through circuit box. However, that night, it didnt work. I panicked, and called him for advice. I wasnt even sure if he would answer the call. He did, and what I didnt expect, was his coming down at that hour (10plus) to see what was wrong. It turned out to be a fairly major problem due to the age of the building. But, he still managed to have temporal measures to restore the electricity supply. I was very touched, and he didnt want to take any fee. From that time onwards, I treated him as an elderly family member. Grateful for his help, and advice. And i know it meant alot to him to listen to his many tales. I probably heard more than most.

And I learnt from him. Never solve problems at the surface. Always seek for the root cause.
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So trust need to be won through action. Consistency. And the less material entanglement, the better.

Then again, there are people one trust by gut feeling, and time usually proves your initial gut feeling right or wrong. Thankfully i have quite a few good friends in this category, and these are the few that I would keep contact with. Yet again sometimes, by circumstances, trust is misplaced, i.e. a normally trustworthy person lets you down because of circumstances.  And that is very very sad. Usually, it ends the bond.

But i have also let down people who trusted me. And i feel awful. Very awful. And still do. Whatever the reasons or circumstance, i dont explain why. To me, its no point doing so.   Whatever reasons, it does not change the fact that i did not keep my word. So...., yes, those instances, thankfully, not many, but one, is one too many, remain a blot in my mind. Even if the decision was a necessary one, it is still a betrayal of trust. I feel the hurt for them as well. And still do.

The worse misplaced trust, are those who deliberately win trust for their own gain. Beneath my contempt to speak of these.

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Then there are those who cant be entrusted to do a task...

Or when one needs to entrust weighty matters, and can find no one. That is probably the saddest.

 i guess that was the main reason for the recent low point.....i had thought many times,. in dire need, in an accident, who would i call that would come to my help and can come to my help whatever the inconveniences?   I guess, if ls was not incapacitated by her sight, she would do whatever she could. Its not just the bond. Its also the ability.

How do one guage to what degree u can entrust another over weighty matters? Actually, there are many ways.....chiefly observations....and consistency.

and looking around,.....i guess, one realise..... one is really quite alone....

i have to learn to shrug it off. And just trust somehow, the Lord will be merciful.

And i guess i wont be alone, in being alone....

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To be trustworthy, to be a trusted friend/family member is probably not something one gives too much thought to (especially if u are always on the receiving end). Yet in life's journey, to have a trusted friend/family member is like the pillar of a building, that gives support to the framework.

i know its more blessed to give than to receive.....but i admit there are times, i wish, i really wish....the 'strong' one  is not always me....

learn to say, no, no, no, no, no

finally. finally....just saw the end of one draggy task that spanned over nearly 6 months. true, i procrastinated as well....but its because in the first place, i didnt even want to do it at all.

i realised most people dont really consider the genuine good of another, whatever they say, when they invite you into a task. my gut instinct was right. actually, my first instincts have almost always been right.being too obligatory, and over-consideration have been my stumbling block too often.  i always have a problem saying no.

whatever. I will LEARN to say, No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!

and yes, let this be over, well and truly!