Perspective and Love

Doing math can really occupy ones mind and block out all thoughts....at least for this moment, it blocks out mine....though it doesnt work all the time...

Dont ask me why I am doing math, I am. I look at a question, and see it in different perspective at different times....when I was a student, and for the earlier period when I was a teacher, math problems are for solving and getting the thrill of solving them.

Then perspective changes...I found most math problems have solutions (at least for the level I was teaching)...the hardest problems are life's problems...those were philosophical moments.....but they are still true....

Now, I see so many things in a question, and wonder how come I didnt see it in that way....one's frame of mind affects one way of thinking....

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Met Mdm F for breakfast on 25th morning. I knew her when both of us were doing adjunct teaching. She was a former hod, now retired. She was elderly, but there was an air of elegance about her. She was the only teacher I talked to more personally at that time, and I kept in touch with her after leaving that school.

Over the past 2-3 years, I got to know her more, of her family, her grown up children...her 'story' stunned me, and I respect her strength of character in the face of things that happened. Like her, I couldnt fathom why things happened the way it did for her. Fate? Thankfully, she was financially independent.

We would meet up during term break. Then end last year, when we were planning to take a walk at Botanics Garden, she couldnt make it. It was at that time,she was discovered to have pancreas tumour, and undertook an operation. I was quite upset, and visited her often then . It was about this time last year. Thankfully, she came through, and perhaps a blessing in disguise, it mended relationships for her.

But she was still very independent. This year, she underwent chemo. Out of 20+ sessions, she was accompanied once by her son, once by her daughter in law, and the rest she went on her own. How plucky! I respect her immensely. She is one of the very few people I will take the initiative to contact and ask to meet. (Most of the time, I am quite reclusive). Prognosis is good for her and I am really glad for her. She is very independent. But that is not to say, she does not feel hurt. I know she does, but is determined to be courageous and move on.

We talked about many things. One thing she said I could not fully agree. I was telling her about how much Tiger and Brownie mean to me....at a dark period of life, they gave me company and comfort...so i want to look after them well... She said, its best to be able to take loneliness, and not depend on people or pets to ease it. She found pets a bind on one's schedule. She recounted that she would whittle her time walking on her own, and live with the loneliness...of cos, she agreed that in the first place, I am a cat lover so it is not just for companion that I kept T and B.

True, all of us have to live with loneliness. I will take it. I couldnt once upon a time and loneliness was one of my greatest fears. But that was a long time ago. I live with it, and am comfortable being alone and lonely. No issue at all. But when there is comfort in a thing, pet, a person, there is no need to be so harsh on ourselves....

The first person that told me "Its better to have loved and lost, than not to love at all" was a girl i knew in my initial jc days; who had such a placid look, that I cannot forget. Funny, I can remember the actual way she said it and why she said it, though it was so long ago. Her O level results werent good, so she had to leave the jc...I didnt quite make out whether the statement was true then....it was the first time I heard such a saying.....

Then over the years, I went through so much pain in losing whom one love, I no longer agree with the statement. At one time, I was determined not to care, and not to feel, and actually succeeded to be callous for some years...

For that reason also, I never considered keeping pets...I cant take that kind of loss, the sense of permanent loss, the pain that pierces through the mind and heart interminably.....and one thinks one will never recover from it....but one does...though sometimes it really takes a very long time....

Tiger and Brownie came into my life quite unexpectedly....it will be 7 years soon...and yes, now I can look back and say in some cases, it is better to have loved,....there is something special about the special feeling of loving and caring for others...I do not need to be reciprocated....I am happy caring and seeing whom I love happy....I dont mean just T and B....though T and B are definitely MOST special to me. No bind at all to adjust my schedule round them. It is my duty and pleasure to look after them to the end....

nevertheless, I got mdm F message. She was reminding me that everything is transient, dont get too attached(even to pets)...it is a defence, I understand...

actually i got alot to write...so much so that I dont want to get started....but well, these thoughts infiltrated my mind whilst i was working out math...and now i am going back to math....

another of those days....nothing special....marketing...heavy rain....sk's place...back...work....sk's place...

mum has been 'clearing' stuff; knows i dont like gold or jewellery; gave me a silver chain with pendant; I agreed to wear it; she couldnt believe it that I would be so obliging. no point making issue, and it is quite nice anyway, not loud....but not really me...but small matter.

sk was more emo today....told me mum said she doesnt want to die...she seems 'ok' still...but signs of discomfort increasing....both of us dread it when she gets worse...she cant come to terms and the struggle will be worse for all...we cant do anything until the cell report is out anyway...

i also worry when term opens....sulis is unreliable...but mum is used to her....

Work is now my 'haven'; sk says carry on. we will work out somehow....

whatever. another day. Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof.

Ps: there's something abt this blog that irritates me, the timing is not 'right'. dont know how to adjust. gerlynn yap, how?

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just came back from cold storage....bought many small boxes of chocs for mum to give away as 'christmas' presents....this is actually very strange cos mum does not celebrate christmas....actually neither do I, but for different reasons. For her, she is not a christian, and at one time...totally opposed to it. For me, I am a christian, but do not follow trends....suffice to leave it as that.

sk is holding a 'christmas' gathering for mum inviting all members from B1, B2, S1....again strange cos we usually get tog only on cny....basically we dont get tog at all, except for mum...and also strange cos they do not celebrate christmas....but again all this is for mum.

mum is excited abt this coming party, she actually likes crowd unlike sk and i, ....sk is actually very thoughtful, cos she wont leave it till cny to have this....no one can tell how long....its going to be an unusual and unique christmas.

spend the whole day running errands for mum with sk. its not a nice feeling, feeling everything we do may be the last time we are doing it...but keeping in focus to keep her happy for as long as possible. She didnt look or feel gd this morning, complaining of difficulty in breathing. We assured her its tiredness and degenerating strength. she seems better later and was assured....there will come a day, its not possible to say thus. Somehow i have this feeling it may not be too far away. Its a heavy weight on both of us, but it has to be borne; many have more difficult and painful burdens to bear.

sk is very gd with mum, she can talk to her continually and mum is very happy to talk with her. But through the years, we never had much to talk about. I will just sit there usually with nothing to say. Ultimately I will end up reading newspaper, watching tv, or working on the laptop. She will complain that I am just like papa....i try, i really try, and will still try....but its hard. I feel bad. sk asked me a few days ago if i could erase off the bad memories of the past. it isnt that i dont want to, but its just that there wont be any memories then.....the few pleasant memories of my childhood/teenage were all days in school, never any at home....both of us are from the same family, same parentage, yet our lives are so vastly different. I am not bitter at all. But sometimes it is not possible to turn the clock back, and try to recover a closeness that never was, though it should have been between a mother and child....I cant apologise for it...i really cant help it.

whatever. like sk, i want to do my full duty to the end, and do what i can to assuage the difficult pathway ahead...

If one was to read Anne Frank's diary, it isnt that she was a great writer....but the circumstance that she was in compelled her to 'talk' to herself,to reflect within herself.... and she gave vent in the written record. This record read by millions when she was long gone, has touched many.

I didnt have her maturity at her age. But from young becos of many circumstance, i took alot in silence, observed, felt much pain, reflected and pondered over many, many things, and many, many years later, learnt from the very experiences that had hurt.

Whilst Anne had no opportunity to live and reflect over her young life, i have. I will never touch people the way Anne's diary did, but i can touch someone in some small way each day. I know a long time ago, never, never ever give way to bitterness. and am thankful to be able to do so by grace.

"Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled" Hebrews 12:15
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Today mum's stamina seems good, she has been lying on the sofa and chatting away for a couple of hours....of cos it could be becos 3 of us are around, and now for once she has at least 2 at any time every evening....it used to be only me most all the time in the evening or sk on sat....

now every day that passed and she is happy is a gain to us....after she was relieved of the 1.5 litres of fluid in her lungs and 2 stents inserted to hold up the blood vessel 'crushed' by the tumour, she has seemingly picked up....but i had been warned anything can happen anytime and unlikely to cross pass another year.....she did mention about difficulty in swallowing and ask why....how to tell her the tumour is prob pushing at her airways....and absent mindedness.....which is not bad so she wont remember things too painful.....

am grateful to come through the turmoil the last 3 weeks esp after I returned from vietnam; things were really in a whirl as she got worse and worse, and the dreadful news that it was relapse of the malignant tumour now in advanced stage ...didnt know how to carry on had anything happen then.... This reprieve gave me the time that i need to regain composure and strength for the time ahead....and am truly grateful to the Lord for his mercies in this.

it also taught me to value time, to make good use of every moment...not just with family, but also at work, to value everything that one puts one heart to do whilst one is still doing....and to me teaching is still one of the most meaningful vocation.

would i have done the same when i was younger? Maybe not but there again, things were not that stable for me then....Another thing about youth is they are often very certain of what they are doing cos whatever they feel is what it is......i was no different then.....[btw, my definition of youth, from 20 to mid thirties....below 20s, still kids....beyong mid thirties, well hopefully has attained some maturity....and defintion of maturity? (403 pple will know we always define the scope of our discussion with definitions first....) ...havent thought of it at the moment....]

it would be tragic however if no reflections are done at some point in life......and realise that life has to be meaningfully led....

hope to have a more systematic (sorry math training again) to write on specific topics later...will consider requests. :)

meantime, mum has gone up to rest....another peaceful day, and that thankfully.....about time to drive back again...not my favourite time cos by now i do get quite tired....

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Today, Gerlynn finally help set up this blog. It is not my intention to be 'in', I never need that cos I never want to be 'in'....strangely, I am happy being the way I am, and not add on to being 'in' with anyone, any group. Those times, I made myself 'join in' is often the times that I feel least 'me'.



But I love to write....and some months ago, I still thought lets just start here....if that will gradually some day lead to writing a book. I will never write a novel....reality is too real for me....if I was to write, I did think, the book that I will write is Reflections of Papa....someday I will write...



I have reached a stage in life, that the feeling of being 'over the hill' does sometimes feel overwhelming. But I also know I have alot to give, and want to give....and hope through this means, to share reflections that perchance may be helpful to fellow travellers in this short earthly pilgrimage.



So this is a start....what good that can be done....let us do....



I must say without the kids in 403, I will never venture this far....but i really love the many sharing sessions we have over mentoring....there are things on my mind....and i will create hypothetical situations to know what they think, how they think, and see things from different perspectives...i will miss those times....



this is not a substitute....but from them, I reflect, I thought more and want to share more...so this is a start...thanks Gerlynn and all the 403 kids who never 'laugh' at me for being 'backward' but encourage, share and help me and gave me confidence that I could still teach...so first entry...is special thanks to this lot of special kids.....

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