26th April ~ ZG



This being a special occasion, I just feel I should capture some of what I felt.

Attending weddings have mean more to me than before, mainly because, it gives me a lot of comfort to see happiness in another generation of young people.

And when it is one that one carried from a baby, who is almost like half a son, yes, its even more special. I didn't really feel the impact until today itself. Partly because, I am not a ceremonious person, and to me real living is day to day living. Nevertheless, the joyous occasion did take root within, not because of how the event went, which did went well. It somehow sink in that zg has grown, and he has grown to a fine young man, and marrying a fine young lady.

Because sk being my closest sister, her sons are therefore special to me. Thankfully, it did work both ways, that is, I think I am also special to them. I was gratified that zg in his speech of thanks, acknowledge me as someone that has been there for him through his childhood to uni days. There had been really rough times, so, yes, its gratifying. very gratifying to see him moving in a definite direction, and having a lovely wife to walk with him in the path ahead.

Its a blessing to see them come together in union, and in being there to witness the occasion, it is a great blessing to me too. A happy and gratifying day indeed. .

the gift of words

In observations, both of my own encounters as well as that of others, i note words spoken may or may not be received and the depth and manner they are received differs.

What makes the difference? Its not merely the speaker or listener. Its also the timing. That moment. That frame.

If the frame of the listener is shut, or coloured, nothing much will sound right. Is there a way of opening the mind? I guess it all depends.... whether its necessary or worthwhile. On the whole,even if i was the speaker, generally i would not bother too much now. Most of the time i find it not necessary nor worthwhile. I guess its an advantage being alone. You no longer have to make effort as one needs to when there are loved ones. And i still say, those that will hear will hear though level of understanding may differ.

And if it was necessary, I feel, most of the time, time alone is the mind opener. Time which allows the listener to change his/her perceptions of the speaker, time which allows the listener to receive when their own experiences resonates with the words; time which allows words to take deeper depths.

When one is young, that's when one can be least receptive as well as most receptive. Least receptive to words we hear too often, we don't want to hear, or which we don't understand and make no attempt to; most receptive to words that go along our own inclinations, or that inspires us, sometimes with unwisdom. Often, the words of people that seemed to be of stature can determine the impact of the words, and for some, the path of their lives. The impressionable are often more open to the words of people new to them; whilst the ultra wary are unlikely to be receptive.

I think of children who get tired of the words of their parents; I think of children that listen to their parents, sometimes without any independent thought. I note it is hard to strike a balance. What makes the difference vary so widely.... actually its very hard to be a parent. Children takes what parents do for them so much for granted. Yes, including me. Then, I think of the way people relate with one another. How receptive one is to the views of another (receptive doesn't mean agreement), really also depends on how they consider perspectives.

Recently, I was struck by the words 开心。The translation of the word is usually happy, joyful etc. But actually if one was to take the words literally, it means open heart. A lot lies in the heart. Often it is what we keep within our heart that makes us unhappy. We hold on to it, be it an unpleasant task, a distasteful encounter, something that goes against the grain we prefer, .....whatever we trapped ourselves into it. 开心 actually has a lot of wisdom in it. It is like the key to tell you how not to be unhappy; it indicates a freeing of yourself, and therefore, makes one happy? It is not a feeling. It is a state, I realise

I also thought apart from being unhappy, the closing of the mind/heart also cause one to be unreceptive. Unreceptiveness blocks a lot of things. Sometimes, we miss out good counsel. Sometimes, it strains relationships, especially relationships in a family. Sometimes, it makes it hard to work with them. What causes unreceptiveness? Bias, preconceived views, bitterness, envy....really a heap of negative feelings and negative energy.

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Being aware is good, one can take heed for oneself. I would not wish to miss out on good counsel; and definitely not strain relationships (though thankfully, within the circle of those that matter with me, the mutual understanding and respect deepens over time and so it should be in all meaningful relationships) ; I learn also it is very important to abide by time, if I really wish my words may count for some, especially those that matters to me.

Frankly, its not easy for me to be "开心"....at least not me, in the past. Yesterday, a conversation  in a drama, between a girl and her grandfather left a deep impression on me. She asked him, how did you  and grandmother manage to keep the relationship so loving. And the wise old man said, by laughing/smiling.... I remembered perhaps more than 20 years ago, that the realisation dawn on me, that relationships cannot be built on problems. This was the way it had always been at home. Home was enshrouded by problems. And that leads me to focus on it, and no relationships held.  Yes, laughter and joy is that which makes a relationship lasts, and makes one to be able to take the long journey.

Interpreted as joy and happy, I think, I would have great difficulty to be "开心". Seriously, I don't quite know what being happy is. Often, it is seeing the ones I care for happy. but if I see it as opening of the heart, not letting it be trapped, I think that is a good way of starting.  Recently,  I have been telling myself, let go. And coincidentally, unexpectedly a friend in encouraging me, wrote, "放下，做自己觉得开心的事“ Though the friend has no knowledge of the circumstance that is enclosed within myself, sometimes that is better. Because, one can glean from the general wisdom. I listen out for wisdom. I took it as, Let go, do the things that open up your heart. Of course, I am taking it literally. Most would read it as, do the things that you feel you will be happy. And to be  "开心", also means, not to bother about external circumstance, or by people who cause hurt because they actually don't care if they hurt.

Perhaps its my age. Its not easy to find words with wisdom, which I can take instruction from. I  listen, in thoughtful, well written stories,  because I can hear the author's words of wisdom; I listen to the young as well, because they may see things from an angle new to me, but usually they lack the experience of life; I  listen to those who know you  well though sometimes they tend to be protective as well; and I like to listen to people  whom I respect, with experience different from mine. From all parties, especially those  with goodwill, I have found words to be the best  of gifts.

And if one can only be open hearted, "开心", you would have  received gifts more often and more priceless than you realise.

sweet dream

Rare, so rare do I ever have a sweet dream, so sweet that I didn't want to wake. So I really must write this down.

At this moment, the song Perhaps love is playing. Yes, this song is special. From 1981-1982. I never played it again until mum's passing, that it came so strongly into my mind. I don't know why.

I often wondered, who I can say, my memory of love would be of....I cannot associate with anyone. But after yesterday's dream, I guess I can say who my memory of love would be.....the fact that it is memory....well, it does mean, it is of the past. And this part of the past, will always, always be special and sweet.

Yesterday, I dreamt of......403 kids.

I guess it wasn't out of the blue. There was a mega event that I had to see to on Saturday. And throughout I missed my kids. Over 4 years from 2008- 2011, every mega event I had to see to, I worked with them. And often more than one in a year. Even at fifteen, some of them were very reliable and trustworthy. I liked their initiative, their problem-solving mind. Nothing was too difficult, nothing was beneath their dignity. From prize table to clearing rubbish, from planning to executing. And they were always, always so happy and cheerful.

 I really really missed them and I guess that must have been gone deep in. Although I hadn't been in touch with any for some time, I guess I 'see' them on facebook. Although a few weeks back, I remembered in the middle of the night, being woken up by a whatsapp message of a picture of a cat gift shop in uk. I went back to sleep, and then the next morning, I forgot to take my hp out. I wondered throughout the day, if that message was real or a dream. I couldn't wait to get back and check, and yes, it was real! gy whatsapp me the pic from uk. :)

Last night, in my dream, I was staring out of the window, it was raining heavily, and I saw a bus in the slow traffic. And some of them were in the bus. I guess, the place was actually rv, because at rv, from the bedroom windows, you literally can see every vehicle on the road. And  then somehow B saw me, and waved to me.... and then somehow, the lot of them decided to get down the stop and drop in at my place. As in all dreams, the 'plot' is somewhat complicated, something about an exhition etc....I guess again something from the past...but that it was so sweet that they wanted to be around, and not want to leave...and they were happy....and I guess I was the happiest.....and then, it was dawn, I had to wake. I didn't want to, because it was so sweet, very sweet.

I am aware as the years go by, the gulf between us cannot but widen. I guess, their world has always been different from mine. In that sense, I am probably closer to the blss boys. But they have been the joy of my life, my kids that have grown up, and will fly and leave the nest. I am content. That I can see all 23 of them, well, and all proceeding to uni this year now that the boys came through ns safely, I cant ask for more. I remembered my worries, and st saying, 可以的。

I have always believe love is letting go....and anytime, when the kids want a shelter from the storm, whilst I can, I would always be to be there for them. But I guess, I probably pass that stage for most of them. I am happy enough to just see their life through the window of fb.

Yes, my memory of love would be of these my 403 kids, the starter of both this blog and my facebook, drawing me out of reclusion and seclusion, by their childlikeness. Yes, the joy of my life, memories that I can cherish. My memory of love will be of you.

I am content. Really am. This is the only sweet dream I can ever remember waking up to. And it is the sweetest dream.

Thank you.