人在江湖，身不由己.

人不在江湖，会无忧无挂吗？




我累了。。。

精力有限，勉强支持，实现理想。

走完这阶段，我责任已尽了。

可惜现在还未走完。。。


熬过这几个月，


我真地希望能过简简单单的生活。

-----------------------------------------------

人的面目难以摸测。

是诚意，是虚假？

重要吗？


看透了，就不重要。

不当是友人， 就不重要了。

有个阵子，是重要的。

现在不重要了。

稍微有些怜惜。。。但真的不重要了。



值得珍惜的，永远珍惜。

无代价的友谊，雪中送炭之友，我会珍惜。



凡事，以平常心对待， 得失无巨别。

只想把任务完成，退出江湖。



累了，

真的很累了。

source of ignorance is bliss

who could be so wise to come up with such a saying?

This is the ending line of Thomas Gray, Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College.

From the tone of the ode, certainly it is full of sorrow and conflicts. i think i am far happier than that depicted in the ode.

he also says its folly to be wise. Oxymoron. So if to be wise is folly, then if one is a fool, its because he is wise?

Whatever.

ignorance is bliss....

whoever first come out with this saying is wise?

i dont know.....

but i know it is true, that with more knowledge is more sorrow....

knowledge requires responsibility.....

responsibility to who?

the same knowledge does not evoke in all the same sense of duty. why?

where does one stop in this sense of duty?

what is knowledge? what is wisdom? what is right? what is best?

right for who? best for who? who knows? i dont...

the more i read, the more i question....

i had thought doing an inter semester module would be a good way of using time more effectively and there would be more time to think. it merely open more pandora's box....

Is theory the underpinnings of practice? Is practice divorced from theory? Ideal and reality are two different dimensions? Is my ideal too idealistic?

ignorance is bliss.

now i know why i am happiest in the classroom. in the world of kids, though they can drive u nuts, there is childlikeness, spontaneity, unspoiltness... no facade.... no guile.... for most of them, what u see is what u get.... their world makes me happy....

i want to return to simplicity... and that will begin end of the year..

and by this time next year, i hope i would have finished this route, which perhaps i should not have embarked upon.

I look forward to returning to quietude and placidity.... even if it is lonesome.

meantime.......... meantime.... i remember my school motto: simple in virtue, stedfast in duty.

content...

Roller coaster week....the lows were caused by alot of conflicts....

i should have mellowed with age; and should really learn to be less perturbed.... the battle rages within.... what is moral duty? what is social conscience? i dont know how many days there are upon the earth, and i also know nothing on earth really matters.... but i really wish that if things can be kinder, and education focus more on values and character, and kids can learn with more joy, i would be contented.

Ishare came and went. It took alot for me to prepare for this and it took alot out of me. It mattered alot to me because i really want to pass on.... so those who had expressed that it had helped them mattered alot to me.... i only hope, it would translate into value... what i can pass on, i really want to....i am really relieved this weight was over yesterday....

the 'highs' were really touches of kindness and care... had 2 nice unexpected emails. And many nice colleagues who went out of their way to try to make things special for me, in particular ld. Some didnt managed cos i wasnt well and went back early, so upset some plans; some managed to treat me earlier in the week; and i got tricked into a surprise dinner by ld, lsh, vl &co. And now i have an extra company, kitty, on my bed. :) Really this school has given me wonderful colleagues...i am touched by their extra mile, done so nonchalantly.

It was easier to pass birthday this year than last year. It was a placid affair to me. Am used to being alone by now. But nevertheless appreciate all the good wishes that had came in from the start of the month. I dont know what it would be like year by year. But I know what i have today, I am thankful and content. :)

Thoughts from the past weeks....

Theoretically, I should have had more time to write. But somehow it didnt happen that way...

Quite a few things to record:

BLSS boys visit

Actually they are 21 this year. Had known them since 2005, so it has been 6 years. I look forward to every meeting with them, seeing their growth, their development, their aspirations, their disappointments...

One is going to train for pilot licence soon. Two going to NTU, one under teaching award, though both had wanted to teach. The other still finding his direction with 7 more months in NS. I am very proud of all of them, whether or not they make it to the University. We talked from 5 to 10plus... It was a very good time. Very meaningful to me.

I will always thank Mr Tharman for my return back to teaching via BLSS. Teachers who resigned in the past were often 'blacklisted'. But when he was the Minister of Education, he showed he valued teachers who had resigned, for whatever reasons. Within 6 months, 2 letters of invitation were sent to invite teacher to rejoin the service. I ignored the first. But when the second one came, and the path back was made so much easier with the adjunct teaching scheme, I ventured back. And of cos, was fortunate to meet BLSS vp then, who did everything she could to persuade me to go there, adjusting to all my terms in scheduling, and workload. That 16 months became one of the most fruitful of my teaching experience. I proved to myself that I can teach, and teach well, in a neighbourhood school. The bond was established firmly. And that gave me the confidence to return back full time.

I have to admit sometimes I feel I had contributed much more/made a deeper impact where the school is much less elite. Whatever, I have been very fortunate to have had doors opened to me, and for understanding leaders that gave me the liberty I need to fulfil dreams and ideals.

==================================

The last 2 weeks had seen quite a few significant and unexpected changes by PM Lee. Unexpected, more because I did not expect such decisive swift actions within 2 weeks. Whatever the undercurrents that had led to these moves, I respect the leadership shown.

Public service requires altruism. I am glad there is a step in that direction. I hope they will also remove kpi linked performance bonus. I detest that. I agree there must be measurable indicators of progress. But that should be because of idealism, and wanting to see the good of all. No reward should be attached. Like the previous generation of leaders of this country. And not just leaders. Teachers and medical team people. Pay everyone a decent pay for the worth of their role. And in these vocation, let the heart to serve be sufficient reward. Public sector should never adopt private sector's capitalist approach, to link to 'performance', whatever that is supposed to mean. First it detracts from true service. And second, it is an insult to true service.

I hope there will be more heart, more humanitarianism in this country. This kind of bond alone will hold out in times of crisis....

=================================

Its May. I admit it has not been my favourite month since last year. There were still mum's things that i had not completed, and this month is more or less the deadline. So I have to force myself to get some things done.

i guess that triggered off that recurring nightmare which had not come back for a few months... this time, it was draining off water from dad's lungs.... I was sucking out the water from the tube to clear it.... dreams are often inexplicably complicated...somehow subconsciously, i can be orchestrating the details how things need to be carried out and done and why.... but like all the previous nightmare of this nature, it would reach a point, where there is a turn, i cant control the events, the water turned bloody... nothing can be done... he cant be saved.

It is very distressing to wake up with that horrible impact again. It was very disturbing. For a couple of days after, I kept making wrong turns and losing my way driving to places I am not familiar.

I guess having been near rv a couple of times the past weeks also contributed to it. That pain just seared through. Sometimes i fear this calmness that had been the past 2-3 months are temporal. And the avalanche may overtake me.

I can only trust in the Lord. It is awfully lonely, and I guess my road is really not as clear as I wish it to be for the next year.

However, I do count my blessings, and they are really alot. Having come through so much, I really have alot alot to be thankful for. I am very grateful for the many that showed they care in each their own special ways. I remembered for the last 10 years, when I had these recurring nightmares, it was really bleak for a long time. Now, it eased after a few days. And compared to last year this time, I am thankful to be in a much better frame.

The mercies of the Lord endureth forever......

hope...

There is something nice about getting a handwritten letter/ card. I like to look at the envelope and try to decipher who the sender is.

But since I moved, my past acquaintance would not have known. Opening letter box is meaningless to me. I did not make any arrangement for forwarding. I guess I just want to walk out of the past.

Today, I found a card post marked from overseas in my pigeon hole. The handwriting was familiar..... but could not place who...... it was an ex student from way way way back... who became a sister and a friend.

This is to say, thank you very much, for seeking me out. I will be replying. And I am most grateful, most happy to receive the letter and card.

It is unbelievable and it gave a tiny glimmer of hope... to those whose deep calleth unto deep, who had declared we are strangers and sojourners here, would there be a day that we can walk together again? I dont know. I can only wait.... and hope...i will see it before the end of my days.

Respect

I had wanted to record this incident that took place 2 months ago. It came back to me today.

I went to see this person to consult her over some matters. I was not well acquainted with her, but we had a common ground in education. When we had completed our discussion and talk was casual, she related her conflicts when she left the school she taught for many, many years, and held senior post. Her reason for leaving was the opportunity to explore different aspect of education, and to get her doctorate. It was a positive reason.

Two things she said struck me.

She said she was afraid of moving higher as she has seen so many people change when they are in power. That is very true. You dont see your own change. Others see them.

She also said she was very glad that despite having left for quite a few years, five (?), her colleagues who had reported to her still asked her out occasionally even to this day, and they communicated as friend. That she found most gratifying as it is not often that subordinates can be friends with you.

I said to her, you must have won their respect when you were their head.

She replied, I like to think, it is because I have respected them.

I respected her for this statement.

Words of wisdom. Very true. One tends to respect those who are 'higher' up, for whatever reasons, be it true admiration of their qualities, or not so positive reasons. But to respect those who are 'lower' in status requires an inner upbringing, a spirit of humanity. And when that is present, it wins loyalty and friendship. She has evidently won that.

And respect begets respect. Respect is not a 'show'. Quiet consideration; consultation; sincerity.
Respect is very simple. Your heart is there, it is natural. You will ask. You will not make decisions affecting others without checking, however 'small' the matter. It is in small matters that shows how much you regard others.

Without respect, decisons made are often callous. And it cannot but lead to disaffection.

Yes, I am very disappointed and disheartened. I dont know why I should be because it is nothing new, in fact so characteristic. Yet, i had hoped it was an overlook, not deliberate. The fact is, the views of others are not sought because there was never respect in the first place.

It was a small matter, but through it, so much is seen which I wish I didnt see. And this is what makes me sad...

Myriad of events

Stepped into May with alot of events....

One semester ended with the end of my exams on 5 May. No, I didnt study too hard cos there was alot of things to clear and i was distracted by the elections. Nevertheless, it was an enjoyable semester. Given that i am not cut out to be A or A+ student, I am contented that I should still get average or hopefully slightly above average grade. What is important is the meaningfulness of what is learnt, and yes, i found it very relevant, and meaningful.

Last week also saw the end of the teaching week. I am thankful I should still be seeing them for another semester. In some ways, for teaching, this is one of my best batch in terms of reception and connectedness. And they are really very sweet kids....they have made this year special...

========================================

The elections have come and gone. I am also relieved with the outcome, though I do feel very bad for the loss of Mr Chiam and Mr G Yeo. I was astounded by Tommy Koh's article today illustrating Mr Yeo's capability, and what he had done in his ministerial role. Yes, it is a true loss. A heavy price paid by the wrong person for the need of democracy.

Be it Mr Chiam, Mr Yeo, Mr Tommy Koh, PM Lee, Mr Low and many more, they are people that I truly respect, some for their heart to serve; some for their courage and conviction; some for their strength and graciousness; and our PM for his leadership. I respect his courage to apologise. Whether it is a political strategy or not, I dont want to know. I saw the political scene from independence, and this is uncommon.

This elections brought out character. It takes heat to test them out. And it also brought out that feeling of national pride, of concern for national issues, whatever the opposing views. The fact that so many view National Service with pride, and regard it as a necessity to go through it to prove ones worth as a leader is amazing to me. I remembered when NS was first mandated, and the much opposition for many years. That this is now seen as a status quo shows the establishing of a sense of belonging. It was really good to see that spirit, and proud of it too. One acquaintance, probably in his late thirties, said to me when he talked about reservist, that it is really necessary to be prepared to defend the country. I was glad to hear that.

==========================================
Alot of happenings. Alot of thoughts. Alot of things to be done. Alot of things to figure out. Alot of things still to settle. And yes, alot of worries, alot of cares....move on into May....

if only.....

had not intend to follow the elections much... for many reasons....

but have been...again... for many reasons....

at this point, i must say, i am quite upset.

if only, if only, leaders listened, and listened with the heart....

why such contentions, such factions when we are all for the same nation?

if u hear the voices, there are genuine voices, from the heart; the issues are real.....

and i no longer can say, i dont know what to say, cos it now takes a different meaning. sigh!

will know the verdict, by this time next week....