:::(((

cant meet deadline.... :::((((( Stumped by adminstrative labyrinth of chicken and egg procedures...

Deep sigh.....and frustration.....

Moral of story:

1) Prioritise. Focus.

Probably the most difficult... especially prioritising this above others... :(

2) Last minute IS IMPOSSIBLE.... Not for work of this magnitude....YOU SHOULD KNOW!!!!

3) Do your own check...by now you SHOULD KNOW that...especially administrative procedures and red tapes... Really should have check the procedure out on my own. Sigh! It isnt that I didnt intend to.....but the start of the year really went awry....i took too long to get back into the frame....

Ok. Must focus from now on. Less time for data collection but not impossible still to target within timeframe .... FOCUS and get the DRIVE to PUSH IT THROUGH!!!

A best friend...

Read this quote....

A good friend knows all your best stories....

A best friend has lived them with you....

Poignant. Very poignant....

Unintelligent intellect

Smart Fool

(which would you prefer?)

Illogical Rationale

Senseless Reason

True fallacy

~ oxymoron collection ~

today...

today can be described as a day where alot of things went wrong...

firstly, i hate monday schedule. that itself can start off a headache, which it did. Despite being earlier than usual, traffic jam was bad, and it took one hour, which really was irritating.

Then this is the day that i have to drive various expressways to reach another destination in the afternoon. I REALLY hate that. I need to do this another seven times, and i am counting down. I dont like this 'assignment' and wont go into the long story how i ended up with it. Then i waited, and waited, and there were unusually no kids. Then i checked. Sigh... no class today. So wasted trip.

Then when i finally got back, and was parking (which should be the safest place), someone backed into my car! And he was prepared to blame me. I have realised that it is important to be firm in traffic 'accidents'. I told him how could i be 'wrong' when i was the car in front of him, and was getting into my slot, that he should try be trying to park at the same time? Then he said, we are neighbours, lets settle peaceably, which i did. Which is each party looked after their own 'injury'. I really dont like squabbling. sigh.

Then my laptop caught 'virus'. dont ask me how it happened but it did. i should be thankful to have 'consultancy' service, and thankfully, it recovered, and dont seem to suffer noticeable loss.

so really it was a harrowing day.
==========================================

But despite all these bumps, i am quite happy. Reason?

The lesson that i had dreaded over the past few days turned out to be much better, more than i dare expect. There was a change, a deliberate effort, and though it is really an effort for them to focus, the attempt was there, and to be pleasant and cooperative. I was prepared for the worse, and was really really glad and relieved especially the turn around of a couple of them which i totally didnt expect.

I am thankful... and yes, it is encouraging. Very. i have been wondering, perhaps i was being a fool to be so idealistic, to believe one can really do something to help....so i was happy that it is worthwhile after all.

I dont expect them to be able to keep up the 'attention'.... Just trying, and wanting to show that they are trying in good enough for me.

Hence, little can upset me today. I really am happy and contented today. :) This is recorded to keep up my flagging spirit!

quiet reflection...

Time for some quiet reflection....actually alot has happened...
1) Starting the year with a sad event had had alot of impact on me.... i guess after a loss, each kid means more to me....and i guess i worry a little more...so fb came in useful to follow their ups and downs etc...

2) Though ls managed to have some blur sight, my feel is, she is unlikely to be able to hold on her job for long. In a way, i have always dreaded this op, that was supposed to be necessary. I am thankful she is not left in total darkness.... but it is going to be hard for her from now... and with her sis deteriorating condition, and may not last out the year... i hope, i hope to be able to walk her through the remaining days of our earthly pilgrimage....

how things fall out from here will also affect future plans....

3) sk is also 'retiring' from her 30+ years of service... she survived 8 (?) retrenchments...and its time to go. I worry.... but then, i always worry. She wants to go into early/special education. I hope her dreams come true.

4) I know to some extent, what I wont continue after this year....packing schedule with teaching.... i guess teaching will really be a much smaller part in the days ahead...

i do not want to spoil my memories of teaching....it has been the sweetest part of my life despite some down moments.... however idealistic, one needs energy to carry through ....

To me teaching is an art, and its best to leave it before the decline come in sharply....i dread it when the day should ever come when my teaching has little value....

i am not sure whether teachers motivate students more or students motivate teachers more... i need motivation....sigh... nevertheless, actually there are really alot more students at present that motivate me... actually 90% of the kids are trying ... must NOT focus on the 10%.... sigh.... battle all over again tomorrow....

5) By the time, I next update, I hope I will meet the next deadline i.e. 1 March and submit my research proposal for ethics approval. I MUST FOCUS! Actually, the Masters course is the part that I enjoy most at this time.

===================================
I feel heavily the weight of age... there is alot i really wish to do, but.....

I keep reminding myself:

1) Keep Positive. See the glass half full! And there are alot, alot, alot to be thankful for!

2) Try to work for a win-win situation. Rest; Reflect; Re-charge; Re-strategise.

Every child you manage to turn round, hopefully means more stability for all in the days ahead. Its not the grade that matters. Its the attitude. That is education. And no one ever said that was easy. No point reacting, even if you are right.

Funny, it was when i was chatting with xxxx that i got this perspective right. I realised I must trudged on, no matter how frustrated. And this was what I wanted to do, for this year. REMEMBER!!!

Take a DEEP breath. Dont give up!

3) Live each day meaningfully for others. We only pass through this way but once....bear in mind. Dont stop living because of worry.....

Define...

Mentality

Intelligence

Intellect

Cognition

Are they equivalent?

If you were to mind-map these concepts, how would they inter-relate?

motivating....

Had not met up with my lecturer cum supervisor for a few weeks, chiefly because, well, i didnt progress much. Actually didnt progress at all.

Thankfully, set up a forced meeting today. It wasnt a long chat, but it was refreshing and motivating. She reminded me of all the reasons (which i really forgot) why i need to complete my dissertation asap. It is actually really possible cos the proposal framework is actually quite sound and original and the design is also on the right track. I jus need to polish up and send for clearance and begin the process. In that short space of time, it was like a translation to a different plateau of thought altogether.

I must say, this gives impetus and some 'direction'. Relieve to have some change of mood and frame of mind. I really didnt expect it, as all I saw was well, nothing very positive.

And i finished and submitted part of an assessment requirement for my module, produced my first video, and U tube (haha, i am high tech now!!!). To be honest, i completed it just a few hours before deadline. But I still did it!

Lesson to learn: KEEP POSITIVE!!!!

教书教到心灰意冷。需要这样拼命吗？你为他们将来担忧，值得吗？不求上进，没有毅力，抱着不劳而获的态度，看了好厌倦。

何必一直为别人着想？有些人尽力而为其实是点到为止。

有些人却过不了自己的良知，付出的代价实在太高。


让人最心寒的是 ~ 表面谈教育，其实对培育理解浅浮，施舍精神更不用谈，欺人欺己的所谓教育者多的是。

而论地位，他们掌握的权利，允许他们作判决。判决又是从谁的观点确定？教育思想重要吗？经验重要吗？好可悲。

有时候， 我真的觉得看不见的人是有福的。

好累。 或许真的应该退出江湖。

Miscellaneous thoughts...

met up with 2 boys on thurs, now 24 and 25 respectively ~they are cousins, malaysians, and i tutored them 8-9 years ago, and both went australia and graduated, one will be starting work soon in sydney, the other continuing on masters in aust.

Gratifying to meet them, esp the younger one who wanted to meet to tell me the reason why he wanted to catch up. And the things he remembered from advice given then, which he said he recalled from time to time to this day, was touching. I remembered him well~ his quietness and introversion.... didnt realise it would matter that much. And i am glad to see his growth...

In life, if you can help someone for the moment,it is already meaningful. And if the impact can last for a long period, it is a rich reward.
had also had more indepth conversations with a few kids. And it is again, meaningful....

===============================
i still dont know where i will go from here. But I do know, what is more important is to make every day counts.....

Some people 'plan' and 'worry', for the days/things they wish they would have/could do in future, and in doing so, they did not live the days in the present.

someone wrote me a message and wished me to be happy always. I may be sad from time to time. But in my way, I am happy. Because I have no 'needs' and no 'wants'. I really have lived my life, perhaps not as well; perhaps not successful; perhaps utterly not significant. But in my way, I have not lived it in vain.

And what makes me happy is to see each of my kids growing up, and living their life well....

Sparring

whilst i remember, i want to record this - the importance of having someone to 'spar with'.

had to meet someone for discussion over something today, not that i was prepared for it. It wasnt long, but it left a few thoughts in my mind.

i realised it had been very good for me, that i always had people that would 'pick my fault'. That had helped me immensely in many, many ways. It also sharpened my understanding and perceptions. I always listen to criticism, no matter how it hurts. Not that i have much choice especially when i was young.

i felt had the person had my 'opportunities', how much more enhanced he/she would have been. It is never good to be on a platform of your own, with territorial boundaries, self-assured and contained. And that mode would in turn mould one's mentality into a fixed, if not, fixated frame. a sort of cocoon basically for self-preservation.

Experience is a double-edged sword. And when one limits one's own, and limit TO one's own (ie assuming one's propositiion/reason is right/superior), well, one cant be sure if that is 'experience'....a pity...its a pity because there is quality there...but the lack of enlargement, the lack of opportunities in having someone to 'spar with' led to so much limitations, if not some detriment.
===================================================
had the weekly chat with ld , and that is always refreshing and something to learn... again my good 'fortune' to have a few such like friends dc, vl, sy... who both think and read; and love math, and the teaching of it, seeing things from different perspectives... friendly sparring mates...

iron sharpeneth iron....

涵养

The passing of feng fei fei brought alot of thoughts.

I like her, but she was not a 'favourite' and I grew up with her songs. There were very little distractions at that time, and the songs that I liked wove into my life. So she is special.

As the years passed, I respect her for the way she carried herself. One who had fame, but never abuse it; and never responded inappropriately, even when provoked. She really carried herself very well.

She has 涵养.

That in her final days, she considered for those that will be affected by her passing is admirable.

I grew up in a better generation, and really have much better role models even in the 'entertainment' sector: simplicity, discipline, and 涵养 . Some words just cant be translated. How many in this generation even enquire after the meaning of 涵养, much less see the value of nurturing and appreciating such an attribute?

In those times, there were many, many who really have character, courage and vision....witness the many tributes to those who had been the foundation leaders of this small island. Leaders or simple people, their lives inspire. Not empty talk.

That is what is missing.....the true substance....

yes, i am sad....have been sad.... but i am much more fortunate than alot, alot of people. At least, I have had role models that inspired. Yes, childhood and education are so important.... the question is, what is education?

涵养. I value this. Partly because mum also admire this attribute.

And whilst reading and knowledge builds up 涵养, it is the continual nurturing of the inner character of the person, that develops such a quality. And actually the more gifted/ talented/ able/ capable, the more the importance of nurturing this inward quality.



sigh....very deep sigh....



yes, feng fei fei definitely epitomised this quality, over a lifetime.... this is a tribute to her...

summary of the week...

The past week has been very unfruitful. First of all, I am continually tired. And it just doesnt make sense to work like that. So, I did the bare necessary only....

Then 8 feb was mum's 2nd anniversary....

Took time to meet up with ld and sl. No matter how busy, i want to keep in touch with people. I want to keep a balanced perspective of things.

ls eye op on tues. She seemed ok on wed, but thurs, there was a terrible scare. For some moments, the prospect of her losing most of her vision loomed darkly. As at this moment, it seemed that may be a temporary phase, and things may not be that bad....

I remembered that moment when she rang me, and the fear in her voice. I dropped all remedials and left to fetch her to hospital. As usual, I remained calm. It reminded me of the many times that I had to do this, for dad, for mum, for others...

I wondered vaguely who would i call if i was in dire need. Its one thing, when I still can take on responsibilities though it is really no longer the same. I have to admit, I am tired. Very. But ls and ky are on par with sk to me. So, the Lord preserve me and my strength to help them.

I hope ls diminishing sight can be preserved for as long as possible....

My perspective of life is always clear: I have lived my life. Do what I can for those who need me. I am happy to depart, to be with the Lord. I am tired....And I think of those who had grown up with me, and claimed they will walk with me and share my burden. Where are you?

===========================================
Today is at least a non-tiring day, and somewhat fruitful, in that i got the lesson plan out for the scheduled video clipping component of my assignment. It took weeks to brew it out, reading, thinking, bouncing off thoughts off ld....Dont know how the lesson will go, but i am satisfied with what i came up with... a lesson from a different perspective... and totally new approach.

I enjoy teaching. Very much.

Yet I am torn. Between the different spectrum of learners that I can reach out. Between the different facets of education that I can serve. Where is the greater need?

I enjoy my friday evening course, and the short chats with ga. He said do what you want to do. I wish i know what i really want. I know nush and nush kids occupy a big place in my heart. It is my dream school, and where my heart is. But would i really be able to do anymore good for them?

maybe i should opt out of all school systems.... i guess i will in a matter of time. Its a question of when.

=================================

This week, there were more contacts than usual from people I knew before, ex colleagues, ex students...
It is always good to hear from people who remembers well of you.

=================================
for the moment, alot needs to be done at all fronts....its going to be hard work continually...

actually it is a lonely pathway. Somehow, I remain alone in my thoughts and in the things I set out to do... What I take comfort is, from people who knew me from a child, from school-days, from the start of my vocation till now, they said the same to me: You didnt change.Yes, I didnt. I remain in my own independence, in pathway, in ideals, in thoughts. And I am glad I remain so.

Not without price. But, above all things, to thy own self be true. I kept my course, and still strive toward the same cause. But no longer with the same energy....

February 2012

actually i write better with music...somehow the words flow with the melody...

i am beginning to like thurs...the benefit of 4 day work... not that i dont work on a friday, but its in a different way.

end of one month of a year. dont know what to make out of this year. today, yet another person raised obliquely about plans for next year. sigh. i really dont know where i will be heading... and dont want to think too much either.

This week, i have been quite temperamental. partly cos i wasnt feeling well. partly cos the backlash of piled up work is beginning to be felt. And i didnt meet the deadline for submission of ethics form for research. Next deadline is 1 march as review committee meets monthly. I decided to delay as I couldnt produce anything of quality. I have difficulty tuning back to the research work. Somehow, over these 2 weeks so much had happened that made me feel, what is important? But i must still pick up and complete it....

i also admit, it is really very tough trying to give the kids some foundation. it really takes alot, and when u see the lack of concern and seriousness to help themselves, it is really disheartening. Yet at the same time, when you see they do care when they know you are trying to help them, it also makes it seem worthwhile. To be fair, quite a few did try to be more focused, and did put in some effort. And i think they do listen. But it really would be an uphill task.....it is only week 5, so there are 36 weeks more to trudge through.... i only hope it will really make a real difference....that would make 2012 worthwhile. And i really hope, it would not only be in results... but that values could also be imparted.

working at the ground also made me realised that i really do not have the as much energy as before. Honestly, i feel aged....

===========================
someone said that day..."meritocracy breeds elitism. that cant be helped." i was taken aback. I havent had time still to think through this statement.

It would also require the definition of meritocracy and elitism. I will come back to this another time....

===========================
Experiences helps one to know boundaries; helps one to sharpen focus and judgment; helps provide foundation to withstand crisis; provides that resource to give support and perceive with greater depth.

Only if experience listens, reflects and soul-searches.

Experience has taught me there really is no perfect system; that even good systems degenerate; that one tends to be harshest in judgment when one is more attached to 'a system'; that sometimes stepping aside, one sees the limitations of many things and persons, including one's own.

Experiences teaches one..... dont think when one is tired..... rest....