And another week......

A quiet week. Actually days have passed by rather quickly, and i am still behind in some tasks....

didnt have my walk...not up to it.

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I finally visited ah kor again. This is after two years...She is now 90. And this time, she has little recollection of who i am...she is not unwell, but is in a world of her own. tch attends to her day and night even with a maid. I guess that is what he wants. Whilst I have always felt he was over-indulgent to her, I have more respect for him than for folks that sent their parents to homes.

In a way, I was relieved she didnt quite remember me, although at a few points, she was certain she knew who I was and i think she did recall. tch said she has difficulty even with her own children. I was relieved because i really didnt want to talk, much less about the past, or about mum.

I have to admit, even as I observed her, for myself, i would wish for much less days, and be alert to the end. Both mum and dad were spirited, and they were alert to the end. In fact, I still hadnt wrote the last moments with dad...I really hope my days would be few and that I would not be a burden to anyone.....

I am thankful to make this visit. I want to clear all my duties, and with her, yes, there is a duty. Whilst she is still around. This time, it did not have that traumatic effect as it did two years ago. I have done my duty. I owe it to tch.

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was glad to meet up with some of the jwss kids. I hope they move on from here and do their best in their next lap....

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wc and her girl ruth were over for here for dinner mid week, and today was a good time together before they return to nz tomorrow.  The last 3 weeks have been refreshing, and i could see it made alot of difference to ls and ky, with the added fellowship. To me, i knew her in 1986, but she told me today, she noticed me in 1985.

I only wish to her, and to all my students, from whichever generation, that I would bear forth a faithful testimony, to the goodness of the Lord. In sharing my many troughs and tunnels, whether it was due to circumstances that may be beyond one's control, or to due to my countless faults and failures, it is the Lord's mercies that have preserved and kept me.

And if I have done any good to any of my students, it is because the Lord is good, and his mercies endureth forever.

And to those that i had failed, i really wish it was otherwise....

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To those who had asked how I am, and what is ahead, my reply is, really, i do not know. I hope, to teach one way or another, to impart what little i can to another generation...in my life, this is the most meaningful to me.

whilst i had not wished to be lonesome, honestly, i also know, had it not been so, i wouldnt have been able to spend the time i had with students. And that matters alot to me. If i have a chance to choose again, i would still have chosen to dedicate myself to teaching rather than raise my own family. Every conversation, and exchanges with the kids over whatever forms of communication is meaningful to me, especially as i see them grow through the various stages of life....and rarely a week passed, without hearing from one or the other from different era. I appreciate their sharing of their pathways and their thoughts, hopes and perplexities. One exchange with a thoughtful boy just now was meaningful. That is sufficient to make me happy.

How i am really is not important, and i am used to billows and storms, so really not important at all.  I only want to see my kids weather through their storms and be happy. I understand now about a generation begetting another generation.

So yes, i am content at the moment.....whatever lies ahead.... let my remaining days be meaningful....

ln remembrance

A year has passed... the verses below were written a year ago, when i got the news...  due to the sensitivities then, i kept it as a draft.

I visited him twice toward the end. The first, there was a glimmer of a tear...he seemed to know....i thought he could hear me...

the second, he drifted further away.

I will remember you always, my student. I wish I had done more.... earlier.....

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If I call,
can you hear?

If I tell you,
it mattered to me who you are,
would you believe me?

If i tell you,
I cared, but was too busy to show,
would you forgive me?

the wilderness has swallowed you up.
you traversed
from wilderness to wilderness;
from loneliness to loneliness
from aloneness to aloneness
from obscurity to obscurity
from silence to deeper silence

which wilderness is kinder
i do not know
i only know i should have told you
you mattered
but i didnt

I should have told you
there is hope
but i didnt.
I should have
patted your shoulder
but i didnt

and when i did....
..........did you hear?

when i held your hand....
......did you know?

helpless grief
indelible pain

engulf
in
stony silence
as you passed on....

second week into 2013

The two rooms are beginning to look nice. Well, at least, i know no one will have the same design as mine, since i have made it unique. :)

There is still quite abit of packing to do, though the major ones are done, thanks to kt and j that helped see to that on wed. They have really been the impetus to help me get things going. Some bits and pieces can wait. I am not a perfectionist.  Its still going to be busy the next few weeks, I am somehow slow, but that things are in place is a big consolation.

I looked back now and wondered how I managed to clear all the stuff at rv, built up over 20 years, cleared mum's place with stuff accumulated over 50 years, got this place which is really providential to be so near sk, and complete the coursework of my masters as well.

Someone asked me why i take so long to settle in, unpacking only after 2 years. I marvelled that I managed to do it at all!

As it is, I am very grateful, not just to the blss boys that had helped me tremendously over this phase. I am thankful for the steady friendship and companionship of many people, which had helped me tide over the tunnel over the last four years, many of whom are nushs friends, and kids, especially during the interim period. I am particularly grateful to ws, who really encouraged me to be forward looking and spent time with me seeing to the initial necessities. , vl and angeline's support at a critical time, ld's faithful companionship, and dc helping out with all computer and internet matters so that I can get on with my masters in the chaos.

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there are quite abit to update over the week....

first of all, my first exercise of the year.

 kuech contacted me when she is back from her trip...actually she has really been good, keeping regular tabs on me, without pushing it...got me out for lunch, and at her persuasion, joined her and cl for their regular macritchie walk. So I finally trekked 10km with them. I probably slowed them down, but they accommodated. There is alot of comfort level with people you grow up with. Helpful also that cl is a doc, so gives practical advice over some issues.

They are trying to get me to be regular.... will think about it....it is actually a luxury to have the time to do it...Getting there, the walk, breakfast at kuech's place usually means the whole morning is gone. I guess i am not used to this kind of pace, but, i should adjust?

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O level results

It was not good, though not a tragedy. To be honest, I partly expected it, but was hoping it wont be this way. When i saw the papers, and talked to the kids after the papers, I knew they did not grasp many testing points. Most cleared the hurdle, but not with the best of grades.

Was I disappointed? Not for myself. For the kids. And i supposed to the administration that had hoped to see much better results. Well, i would be the convenient scapegoat for  accountability. Not that that bothers me at all.

But actually, i felt, this is a fair result. No teacher should be seen to be miracle producer. The foundation was hardly in existence, the class size was so big, 2 classes of 39 kids, the variation was so wide, and the attitude, well, seriously the mentality of many of the kids stunned me. To be honest, I didnt feel many of them deserve to do well for their effort. I knew I worked harder than most of them.They were really very different from the blss group I took, but it was a much smaller group, only 19. I was taking 4 times more. Time just wasnt on my side.

Everyone must learn, one reaps what one sows. And the ground that you sow is important.

However, i still felt very bad. Quite a few of the kids did message me after they got over their disappointment, and their messages were touching. Very. For their sake, I would wish I could do more to help them. Most mentioned that they will always remember that I didnt give up on them. And my wish remains, that they will never give up on themselves whatever the outcome.

If education is not to teach one to press on, never to give up, to keep learning, then something is wrong. To equate learning with grades is really an insult to humanity. To make comparisons so as to get to a higher platform is odious.

I hope the kids will grow up, and keep working hard for their future ahead...

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tw and dj's visit.

tw and dj were my tuition kids in 2003. For each of them, I taught 5 members of their family. Both are in australia, and for tw, i had not seen her for 5 years. She is in her 4th year of medic. I was really quite pleased to hear from her toward end of last year when she ran into dj in australia. So this visit was planned.

It was an enjoyable meetup. We chatted till 11 plus. We have alot in common in thinking, and it is a good session. Ten years. It is really lovely to see them and see their growth and development.

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Commissioning of 403 kids

i didnt go, but my heart is with them, and proud of them, stuart, bernard, aikann. Very proud of them. :)


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Visit mum and dad

At the start of every year, is the remembrance of their passing. Dad on 15 jan 1999, mum on 8 feb 2010.

We went today. Alot, alot of thoughts. Dad's passing is 14 years. Yet, the pain is deep.  And I also know I am alone in feeling this. Mainly because, he has been so taken for granted. Whether in life, or in death. Mum always had the attention.

I had noted in life, the one that appears vulnerable, is always the one that is more protected. The one who cries is always the one that gets the consolation.

I made a deliberated choice. I 'sacrificed' dad because I had limited resources, and I didnt give dad the best as I need to reserve to take care of mum. I gave mum the best, and she knew it. She said to sk that i am 'rich'. She didnt realise how much i put aside to ensure that she gets the best private treatment. I never went on holidays, and except for the piano, i never expended on anything branded on myself.

But I also knew I did that partly because, dad always wanted the best also....sst was bitter about that.... and i didnt have the heart to tell him that she was bitter. I cant blame her because, well, i had to apologise for our existence. As it is, she was very nice and decent to me. I couldnt afford what he was used to....and at that time....

And I also knew, at one point, I was also bitter, because things were so hard. Why didnt he think of it before he had us? To be independent from 16 sounds good. Many can say, you are so strong. Did you know the cost?

And sk and I also knew we never measured up to sst in dad's heart. She was the daughter he loved most and whom he is proud of. We always felt we were not good enough. When i did get first in standard of the school one year, it was, by luck. So, well, it wasnt easy. Not for me, who really tried hard to please. But i agree that sst is formidable. i respect her capability which is far above mine.

The pain remains because, dad did loved me, and the only one that did. My childhood was really a nightmare. Dad did ease it.  In a world of lovelessness, that means alot. It was the only love that I ddint have to 'win over'. I had to with mum, and with the rest of the family.

So, I will live with this pain. I failed in many areas, where I could have given him comfort in his latter days. In the circumstances then, i did do what i could, but it really was too little....

There are things we lived with, in our conscience to the end of our days. It is for this reason that I keep reminding kids having difficult times at home not to be too hard on their parents....

The annual visit came and passed.... mum and dad remain in my heart....

one week into 2013

Honestly, it is a luxury not to report to work. :) I have to admit I am actually relieved. My inertia the last 2 months seemed wasted, yet it was somewhat like a time of hibernation, and somehow, it helped to leave some things behind....

The last week has been very busy.Am very thankful for the extra extra mile that the blss boys had gone to, esp, ck and kt. Three trips to ikea and assmblying through the night....they really were superb....i am really speechless at their enthusiasm and support.

Disorganised mess is gradually turning into organised mess. The rooms are gradually taking shape.... I will get things in order...it had been a long time, that I took the trouble to make arrangements looked nice....by long time, i really mean, long, ten years. I think I am walking out of it.

I also realised over these months, that one does not quite understand another in a particular phase of life until one treads the path. I now understand mum's insulated frame and her fears alot more.... And dad's aloneness... with him, i keep wanting to say sorry....but its too late...

As to the different phases, will probably write about it another time. For the moment, I am just looking forward to clearing the mess accumulated over the years, and not unpacked... I need to get organised and start working on my dissertation....I really need to get a sense of urgency.

When I saw j2's quilting work, it brought to mind the handicraft work and sewing that i had enjoyed. It did kindle some spark in me.....lets see how far i can get started again...have also been doing quite abit of cooking though it really take up alot of time.

Restart my music lesson last week... i wont go far with it, but with music, it helps to keep the mind active in learning. Because it is an area of weakness, it exercises the mind and coordination, and i do want to keep it up to keep alert.

Another change i made was finally to move from prepaid phone line to a fixed line, and move onto smart phone. I had been contemplating...for a year. I needed a convincing reason to move onto it. I dont believe in adopting changes to be ahead or for changes sake. I was finally convinced when the blss kids were at my place for dinner, and ivan related how he helped his parents adapt to the change. His sincerity in understanding my preference for simplicity was quite touching. I was also thankful for the help they rendered in helping with explaining the different schemes and the different aspects of the phones and making the transition smooth. I am still not adept, but I guess, I did take another step.

I no longer rush to meet deadlines. It is a luxury. Not without cost. But, its worthwhile. There is a quietude and placidity. The progress of clearing the mess is rather slow, but there is movement forward.

I must keep moving forward, and look up......

One week into the year ~ I am grateful. Very.

Quote

The atm I went this morning displayed this quote:

Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.

Confucius (551 BC - 479 BC)

 

Five words with depths of profundity.

Last day of 2012 and End of Year Reflections

Last day of 2012
The last day of the year turned out to be an interesting day. It has become somewhat a tradition to gather at rc's place, except this time its lunch, at his new place. It was a lovely place and a happy gathering. Its so nice to see the people, and that familiar comradeship that has bonded us over the years warms the heart: rc, dc, vl and family, lcl, ckh, ld...it was really good to see them all.

vl and family and ld then came over, and angeline, with ck and kt were great in helping with the planning of the layout for the 2 rooms. vl commented that i am very blessed to have help and support from so many quarters, and with such enthusiasm and unreservedly. His words did strike home. It isnt that i was not thankful. But, I realised, yes, I am very blessed.

Drove vl and family back. Then proceeded to ikea with ck and kt, and took our dinner there. It was a very pleasant and happy dinner. And more or less, most things are finalised.

The only blemish is C4 chose to develop brake fault system. I panicked when the warning signals came up. Thankfully, it didnt stall in the middle of the highway. Thats a mercy!

I totally didnt expect 2012 to end on such a note. Actually festive seasons are often the most lonesome, not that i like crowds and gatherings. I prefer lonesomeness to enforced company.  To have the company of those whom one can be at ease with is really a pleasure.  I think the fact that it was spontaneous and unexpected added to the pleasantness.

So 2012 ended on a warm note. I am thankful. Very. For all the support and care shown, I will pick up and press on....I really intend to, want to, and will do so.  

To friends, ex students and all ~ thank you very much. A touch of kindness means more than you realise.

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End of Year Reflections

In many ways, 2012 is an uneventful year. It is a year of standstill amidst myriad activities.

The main event is the intensive ten months stint at jwss which left me with hardly any time to turn round, and now that phase seemed so long ago. The outcome remains to be seen. Results should be out in 2-3 weeks. But results is a mere statistics. Teaching has bearing on results, but more important than that, it should help mould moral fibre. I hope, I really hope the impact that they had felt momentary would not be erased so soon. Whatever is sown, it takes time to see if it bear fruits.

Completed all the coursework of Masters....now for the actual writing and data analysing process of the dissertation....the spark has been subdued somewhat....but the lunch company at rc did help motivate me a little to want to start on it.....must grit and finish it....

Healthwise has been good. I did not see the doctor at all. The few times I didnt feel well, I could get by with minimal medication. Exercise however..... need to work on that....

In quite a few ways, it has been a year of disappointment. Not so much in happenings. Whatever let-downs in a few quarters, it is good to learn, about people, and re-evaluate things.  Through it all, I know how much teaching means to me. Like how music means to musicians, thats what teaching means to me. I cant explain why teaching is not a job to me. It is like life. Each kid is a life.

And i remember the kid that i had not reach out to help in 2011....who left early in the year..... i remember...i dont know if it could have made any difference./.. i only wished the difference could have been made... i am still sorry.

Where i will go from here is still uncertain. I know I will not waste this precious gift. In one way or another, I will teach. Until I can no longer to do so.

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2012 is a low-key year. No highs. No lows. The last 2 months have been dungeon-like, but it is really necessary to walk through it. It still pains, but I finally faced it. It does not changed anyting that had happened. But, at least, i faced it. I am thankful, really thankful to have done so.

Friends, kuech, cl, pl, el, sw; ex colleagues from nushs; and ex students have been  a great blessing in easing the pathway. For one that takes so little initiative in this respect, I am thankful for those who genuinely care and take the trouble to bridge communication.  It helped alleviate the lonesomeness.

Actually, this year, there had been many gatherings here. I did like the visits of the kids. It brings warmth and laughter.

I miss 403. But they are grown up, and i guess the distance is inevitable. It was good to see tpl and wj who dropped in unannounced 2 days ago. 

I had thought T and B had been well the last few months. Their present listlessness is worrying. I really hope they would yet have some more years with me....

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Spiritually, i remain in the wilderness. Thankfully, there has been stability with ky and ls. That ls two eye operation went well, and at least her remaining sight could be preserved for a while is a big gain. The loss of her sister daisy however is a deep grief.

It was good to see wc back from nz. And unexpectedly, to have both her and joey over for dinner. It has been 24 years since i last met with joey. It was refreshing to have the fellowship. Inevitably, one remembers....

Toward the end of the year, I received gifts with Scripture verse engraved on it from 2 individuals; on one was, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen; on another, faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. I take heed do the exhortations.... Scripture verses are imprinted upon my soul.

The Lord alone is faithful, and his mercies endureth forever.

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What do i hope 2013 will bring?

I hope I will finally settle down in this place by jan. I hope the dissertation will complete before the year ends.

I hope I can continue to teach meaningfully, and see the welfare of the kids that I had taught.

I hope I can do a little good whenever I can.

I hope T and B will be well.

I hope for good for all, and especially for those who had shown much kindness, good will and care.

I hope the wounds will finally heal and my soul will find green pastures and still waters....