End August 2016

Today is exactly 6 weeks to the day of the surgery. Apart from minor discomforts here and there, I am almost on my feet as norm. Except for the weight part. The weight loss of 6kg or more especially the second bout hit the digestive system hard. During the early weeks of the month, much time was spent reading how best to attain to recovery. I know I have taken a big risk to reject chemo. Statistics as it is, is not in my favor. One would argue that having an earlier stage discovery means opting for the 'optimum treatment' gives the best chance. If I was to look at it rationally now, the decision does not seem 'wise' and I have missed the 'optimum' period for the chemo treatment which is before 40 days to the surgery.

I don't think I can explain my decision. From the moment I knew things are not good, four predominant concerns occupy my mind. The first and foremost, that I will bear forth a faithful testimony to the faith that I believe with all my heart. Whether, in illness, in death, I will trust in my God. That my faith will not stand only in the 'positives', but that I should be prepared to meet my Maker and speak of his mercies and his faithfulness. That my belief in a salvation wrought by Christ is not the seeking of health, happiness and life in this world, but in the world to come. My second concern was for T and B; sk, ls and ky; and also of ld, J and K, zg, zl, zh, sy and a few others that I know I matter to them. I can only do my best to provide for them and encourage them. Then, my own grief in departure. That, I came to terms with, once I could look beyond this present life.

Yet, one of the greatest weight was actually was not to be pushed into a treatment that should hang my life and hope by this medical system. I do not want to live from period to period looking at a number and be subjected to the ill effects of a treatment. This I felt was the hardest, in that, it seems to run against the grain of 'seeking for life'. To say I was not afraid of my decision is untrue. I am fully aware of the possible consequence. But, I also know the limitations of my physical frame. I can take the sufferings that illness and disease inflict upon one, or at least I can persuade myself to as I did in the hospital. In some moments of close despair, the phrase 'patient in afflictions' came to me. I was not sure where the phrase came from (I think now is Romans 12;12) but I knew I can keep a patient frame whilst inwardly crying to the Lord. But, somehow, I could not accept the sufferings that come from chemo. It has alot to do with my personal view of the medical technology and 'discoveries'; their highhandedness in imposing a 'cure', 'treatment' at all expense. I was never excited by any of the research 'successes'. I am aware that there are some that have benefited and have had much precious time with their loved ones. I know those who went through must be very courageous and tough, and I respect them. Its not to say however, that those who chose not to is less brave. It really was not an easy decision. If made in a foolhardy way, yes, then it does not require courage. But if made with full understanding of consequence, it requires courage as well.

I must say I am surprised that my decision was not hindered by those with me. Perhaps because I have always expressed my views in this matter. I am me. I have to go by what is of nature. I do not wish to extend life artificially. Its like a few of the critical decisions I had made. I chose 'freedom' not to conform over conforming to success. I chose not to go for convocations, meaningless ceremonies to celebrate success because it was always the learning that I value. Nothing else. I chose not to accept nominations for awards because whatever that was done was for the person. Not to be talked about. There are some things that really run against my grain. I told sk, if i had agreed to go through it due to persuasion and obligation, it would be hard for me to take when the physical pain comes in. As long as she, my closest kin does not exert pressure on me, it would be easier. She didnt. I cannot explain my stand. Dr Lim asked me. I can only say, I just want things to be natural, as it was with my forefathers. Surgery is the maximum baseline I can accept. Whatever my observations and my abhorrence of the way of medical sciences, my reason is actually in simplicity. To be at one with nature. And for my inward soul, with God.

Somehow cancer struck much fear in the hearts of man. I remembered when I was in the ward, and Dr B's booming voice more or less announced that I was a 'cancer' patient, referred to oncological team and being 'promoted' to 'Cancer Centre' for treatment, I was very conscious of that labelling. No other patients in the ward came to talk to me. Not that I cared. I was the most 'serious' case there. I noticed also how often the word 'cancer survivor' is used in media. You dont read about heart attack 'survivor' or stroke 'survivor' or pneumonia 'survivor'. But cancer is like a death sentence, a stigma that make one feels the weight about one's neck, and if one lives on, it is a 'survival'. After the initial impact of the 'label', I was able to rise above it, and not live under the shadow of a label. In fact, I refuse the label. I live because God gave me breath. Not because I am a survivor. Yes, i have been ill, and may still be ill. But so what? If the illness comes back again, thats like any other illness. And yes, if it comes back again, it may mean the end is near. But, who is to say? Whatever is allowed, is allowed only of God. The illness does not determine me. Its God that determines the span of my life.

Then there are many who offer their views and knowledge of cancer and whats good and not good. The truth is there are more than 100 cancers and how each react differs. For all the progress made, alot is unknown. It depends on the site, the nature and the spread. For some, prognosis is better than others. And it also depends on the patient etc etc. Its amazing how some articles can simplify it to a know-all method of countering it. If thats is possible, would medical science still be carrying research in every part of the world on this? Its equally amazing how much people can think they know just from a few articles postulations and equally amazing how others can live in nil or little knowledge, depending on hearsay from sources not verified. That is totally different from having read, understood and realising that the scope is far too wide for one to grasp. Reading itself can be depressing, but not reading up is akin to not taking responsibility and facing reality that has to be faced. Ultimately each person afflicted with it, must help oneself at least in understanding his/her own frame, and taking some charge of the things that they can, like food, rest, exercise.


End September, there should be some kind of verdict from the medical side. In the first place, I am already I fall into the category where the cancer is aggressive, even when discovered at early stage. But whatever, I will press on. I dont always feel this way I admit. There had been days that I was quite discouraged. More or less, I am now back to being on my own most of the time, and sometimes its not always easy.  There are times, it had been quite hard. But I see the medal hanging in my room with my inward eye, and I tell myself, I must press on, I must work hard. I cannot give up. Yes, encouraging oneself on is important. I MUST push on. And I have much to be thankful for. Very much indeed.

Now 6 weeks after, having recovered rather well by the great mercies of God, I responded well to tcm treatment and both zh and his wife have been very good to me these past weeks, and I diligently exercise, walking 2 km daily and watching food etc, I am able to write more freely of these matters. It has not been easy these past 4 weeks. I have read up many sites and evaluated many research papers. I need to be prepared for the outcome of the next blood test. That will 'determine' the status of my condition. So yes, I realised I am still 'tied' to a number, that would indicate prognosis. Zh who had earlier felt it would be better if I have at least done one cycle of chemo, has actually been the one that could see beyond systems of evaluation. In that, he is really a physician worth the name. He has been pleased with my progress and believe that a number should not determine the holistic wellness of a person's health. That said, it was a struggle and conflict for awhile. Thankfully, the inward storm has eased and I am at peace to face whatever lies ahead. Actually I really feel I am at a blessed state, and in some ways, I am better than I had been.

I have no idea what lies ahead nor which path I would tread especially after the recuperation period. Am giving myself till October to make as good a recovery as possible and build up.  It is not possible at this moment to plan beyond. But it should not matter that much. Prior to the surgery, I have tied up most of my affairs. Now having more time, it just means more time to do a little good here and there. Be it a few weeks or months, or a few years or more, its making each day count. Without which, the value of life itself is lost.

To say, I have no 遗憾 is not true. The 3 soulmates of my life. Each of you remain as you have always been in my heart. Always. Even if we never meet again.

Heartfeltness

Have been wanting to post especially end July.....but was not able to. Now finally.  There is much to write, overwhelmingly much....

To all those that walked with me through this time, my heartfelt gratitude. I have to say, for the first time in my life, I know more about what family means, not as in the past, that I was always the anchor. I really didn't know how anything will fall out, and am very grateful for the web of support especially by the younger generation. I must say, I totally did not expect. I am immensely grateful.

From the onset from 5 June, the ultrasound, and more ultrasounds, the blood test result pointing towards the lurkings of cancer, it was a roller coaster ride. The first two weeks, Kuech, Claire and Elaine provided some support through the investigations. I was more concerned with how those that love and depended on me would be affected. It requires also firm judgement who to go to. I chose to wait till 8 July for kkh. Thereafter, by 15, I more or less knew really it is cancer. A matter of staging and spread. Op was due on 20. I got as much matters as possible in order. That is very important. The perchance would leave me unable to do what good I wish for whom I wish. 

From the op on 20 to the present 4 August, another 2 weeks had elapsed. Surgery was gratefully 'succcessful' and as much as could be removed were removed. The report came out yesterday. Stage 2B as it has spread beyond its original site. But thankfully, no lymph nodes were affected, though the whole lymphatic system has been removed. I have rejected reinforcing treatment by chemo, my lifelong stand. Am grateful and a little surprised that the doc who was quite emphatic during my stay actually said he respect my choice though he will still follow up. 

A particular episode, post op, that led to my being warded again hit the recovery process. Severe diarrhoea reaction to antibiotics, and more reaction to strong antacid to counter it, led to ileus ( a term I newly acquired), caused the most discomfort and the swelling of the small bowels posed a potential life threatening possibility of perforation of intestines and another surgery. I can only say it was maximum discomfort and I did realise that it is not anything that I can do, and that yes, the possibility of ending is there. I cried to the Lord. I know all things are in his hands. When there was a relief of sorts, I insisted on being discharged. I could feel my mind was going off tangent. Somehow that morning, I was in remarkably good spirit and convinced the doctors that I would get through at home. In my mind, I knew if there was any chance, it has to be via tcm. My gastro-intestinal has been my weakest spot from young. It was only under tcm treatment that I had made progress.

Zh and wife really felt I should not have been discharged but they did understand that it was hard for me to recover there. Between them, they treated me and guided me on food, including providing me the better grains for porridge, and three days later, I was much better, and now six days later, I am writing. I am indebted to them, especially to zh, who told me to do a ca marker test, which I will never on my own accord do. That had allowed me a span of time. I am really speechless at the way it turned out.

By yesterday's report, the storm these last two months come to a cease.

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My grateful thanks to my precious companions in the faith ky and ls, whom I can count on to understand my position. I know full well what I mean to them, and what pain it would be without me. But more important than that, we must each know whom we have believed and it is in Him alone that our faith must stand. I was grateful for the time before the actual surgery that I could speak to them, and rejoice that we have the hope of salvation and that of the world to come wherein dwelleth righteousness. At such times, the comfort of prayer and love from brethren is most precious. Pastor JJ was very supportive and his visit just before the surgery, reading Psalm 34 was a great comfort. Joey's visits, encouragement and care and Puni's are also deeply received. And those from far away, WC, and G, LK, SB, P, C and the congregation they met with whom I know upheld me with much prayer especially at the point when doc said potentially life-threatening if the intestine perforate, I knew they are all with me despite the distance. I really abounded with much. There was a time I was so destitute. I only had ls. God has been very very good to me. 

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I also had a few good conversations with sk, whom I was most pained for. We grew up together. No one will understand that kind of intangible insecurities of our childhood that have made us so much more vulnerable. I am very grateful she had returned back to her profession eventually after her marriage and we could now speak on the same terms. I know its been very rough on her, and I want to be able to walk her through it, to be able to face the eventuality (should it come earlier), and to have rejoiced that we have made the most of time together. I am also very thankful that she was very receptive and will not give me pressure wrt choice of treatment.  Ben (I had always called him what i called him, zg, from young....but he has grown) had taken responsibility as a man, and took over all the admin aspects....first time in my life, I go for consultations with everything done for me. I feel spoilt. P had been very good also and was almost a 24 hour nurse for quite a few days. His being there constantly gave me good chance to recuperate early in helping me with movements and during those awful times when I could hardly move, the physical support was really a great help. He was also probably the most cooperative to my insistence to be discharge and that was helpful. J2 has also been most sweet and I am grateful for the extra support. Perhaps because I am so independent, I settle all my own problems (and that of others), its actually inconceivable to let go and let others do things for me. I am also always so conscious of the strain put on them remembering what I had gone through. That they were so forthcoming, and did not at any time showed any inconvenience, I am very touched. B1 and B2  were also very supportive. B2 was surprisingly strong about letting nature takes its course and was probably the only one that advocate my position. 

This whole episode had brought the cousins that hardly talked and definitely never communicated together and that I thought is very good and what I always wanted. The awkwardness of the earlier generation had somehow led to a less 'free' interaction somehow. I was the only link among them. Now, they are linked among themselves. Good.

I can only say, I am gratified. Very.  

And that T and B took on to Siti and ky is another really great providence. I was able to not worry about them whilst in hospital. I do know there are also many concerned friends and well wishes, many of whom visited to encourage me on. I can only say I am very thankful and grateful.

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Of the many sweet thoughts and gifts that I have received during this rough period, the one that I value most and has a profound effect, is, a gold medal. I am aware thousands of hours of training, sacrifice and tremendous motivation over more than 2 years is behind this hard won medal. It, in itself speak volumes. I hang it prominently in my room. Yes, I will persevere on, however hard the journey ahead, I want to run the remaining race bravely, with tremendous motivation to attain to living each day fully and meaningfully. Thank you. Thank you very much. The impact of this gift hit home. I must not give up, however tired, till the Lord brings me home.

I am reminded of the verse, in 1 Corinthians 9: 24 
Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.

Yes, this remaining race, I will run, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith. I am fully aware what could happen, in a matter months, or years. But what time given to me now, as a respite, I must make good use of every moment. I will do my best to attain to maximum recovery and value each day.

Heartfeltness. That is how I feel.