down post...

honestly i dont feel good... bouts of headaches through the week... culminating in one of those super migraine (i think this is one of those top ten attacks) thru thur nite... still managed to struggle out of bed despite dosing with painkiller...

that is perhaps why i am never too patient with people that are habitually late or oversleep... i had things to see to... i must get it done...

actually i have mellowed down alot... mum was a very tough task master.

But mum was too tough. I rebelled at school. But i always knew most of the time, the authority is right. Again, that is why i am never too patient with 'reasonings' that are actually excuses for lack of self-discipline. A good disciple must take tough and harsh training.... and that is what turns an apprentice to a master of his/her trade. But no one believe in this anymore. Much less the young.

I had high expectations and pushed my kids very hard before. I was really 'fierce' . But i know despite all the luxury and improvement in 'quality' of life, life is actually much harder and 'poorer' for the young generation...i relented over the years.

when i see their fraility, vulnerability; the chase of illusion; pursuit of glory... and the many that cant take criticism; falls; adversities.... i really hope somehow later in life, they will grow up...

character is built by endurance. no other way.

I am so tired, and down, i no longer feel i want to go the extra mile .....why bother....

the only exception are the kids... they are not grown yet... this is their formative years... i hope, really hope they will be a fruitful generation. In many ways, my generation failed... very few leaders are from my generation... leaders are very important... they lead the way, they set the example... they inspire, and motivate others...

i am tired, very very very tired... my head is bashed about and numbed with medication...i only wish in my tiredness, i can also be immuned...

i must try harder to be silent... those who want to learn will do so... those who dont, wont.... silence is golden...

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one of my constant conflicts is actually at heart and mind, i am still as i was, 20 years back?.... but time has cause age to set in... and the gap is there and widening... i have to remember that i am moving on to another realm; the energy level is not the same... and it doesnt feel good at all....

sk always says she is dumb, and in academic aspect, she is not brilliant. but somehow (i dont know how cos i dont talk much), she realises how i feel... when she was young, i was her acting 'older' sister.... now, she and bil treat me as a kiddy sister, the way they fuss...and tho it can be irritating... i appreciated it cos it is what i never had, childhood (thats why i have no affinity with children).... its her way of making up to me, i know....

by the way , for the young (and not so young) to joke about other people being 'old' or making implications of it... is really unkind...

you think you are young and have life, hope, dreams, aspirations, goals...good for you... i am also happy for all of you and want to see you all bloom and succeed....

i also had been young, and also had hopes, dreams, aspirations.... but i had duty... by the time i completed them... alot is gone... and i have to come to terms to it too...

that fleeting pleasure of 'being witty' leaves more hurt than you realise....

I cant understand the callousness, because from a kid, i have always been respectful to those older than me, even if i didnt agree with them (which most of the time, i admit i dont).

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this is a down post... but this is life; there are slopes, there are troughs, there are valleys... but the sky is always there, the sun always rises... i will encourage myself.

when tired...rest... and then sojourn on... i want to push on.... just not to be a burden to others is enough incentive...

dr eeyore says hi to....

Dont know if you will be dropping by, but if u do, doctor eeyore says he is looking forward to see u! Keep smiling, Keep happy, Keep positive! :)

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love." Sophocles

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love." Sophocles

I subscribed to a daily quotation email, and this was the quote of the day for today....and it couldnt be more appropriate. I couldnt put it better.

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After the last entry, alot of thoughts came to my mind... especially thinking of my mentees, ....past and present; young and not so young....it take me a life time to come to some understanding of freedom and contentment.... they still have such a long way to go...

Freedom and Duty, are they in opposition? Can i speak of freedom so freely had I been bound by heavy duty?

I can only say, I always had choice, and I exercised my choice toward duty. I was not compelled. Hence I dont regret. My only regret, as I always said, is I didnt do enough for those I love.

Each and every being has to search for their direction, and destiny... in the course of doing so, we may err; we may stray; we may be hurt and worse we may hurt others;

When there is alot of turmoil, alot of conflicts, and continual turbulence beyond our control, and may stretch it seems forever.... for me, in every such circumstances, the above quote says it all.

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What is love? 1 Corinthians 13 defines it best:

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind;

Charity envieth not; charity vqaunteth not itself, is not puffed up;

Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own.....

Beareth all things, hopeth all thing, endureth all things.

Charity never faileth."

It never fails, even though it does seem to. I dont need to be loved, to love. I care because I care.

My dear friends, be patient in life's journey. You have a long way to traverse. Keep positive.

不在乎天长地久

只在乎曾经拥有

I was taken aback by this saying when I first heard it and actually didnt agree initially. When young, you want everything good to last. But in truth it doesnt. I then saw the essence of these words....Its good to look back that there had been good times, and we miss it. Be glad we have had the good times to miss. In life it is really impossible to seek for forever. So be positive, and move on...

[Realise it is safer for me to qualify: that by the above quote, I am refering to the good times that we share along life's pathway.... I am not refering to 'special relationship' that is meant to be lifetime commitment.]

when there is pain or hurt, we do need time to nurse it; like the young fledgings in the nest... and when your wings are strengthened, you will set flight again.

As a mentor, whether to past and present classes, whether to all those who had been or could have been my students............ i watch, observe, wait.....sometimes keeping silence which at times is more helpful...

....i know u all will take flight... and when u do, and can fly and be free (including doing duty which is a freedom when viewed in the right perspective).....

....remember if you can:

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love." Sophocles

I would be most gratified if u all do so. By love, I mean it in the broadest sense: love to fellow beings, comrades, friends, family, and our country...

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The entry of these words are from one who had lived by the words she wrote; despite things that had happened in life that was beyond her control...

I have ventured forward and live life. I have not been ruled by circumstances nor do I lay blame or anyone or any situation. On the contrary, I am very grateful....

I have loved, dare to love, and continue to love especially my many kids, and mentees, both young and adult... that is why I still remain in the education realm...

In my downsittings, i tell myself, if this is the last day i live, i want it to be able to do what little good possible....dont live your life in vain... rest and hibernate when you need to especially in times of pain.... but after that: remember love, in its true entity, never fails...

Freedom...Contentment

Someone asked me earlier this week whether freedom is very important to me, and without hesitation, I said, yes.

I wondered if our definition of freedom is the same; probably not... not that it mattered...

Kids will say freedom is very important to them too. But I think there again, our definition differs...

To me freedom is that liberty of spirit; it is not doing what you want, anytime u like. That is not freedom. That is ill discipline.

Its like i have the freedom to go to school before 740am, but i choose to go much much earlier and am happy to do so...

I will abide by rules... but i have the liberty of choice to do so and do so happily.

I can take a very very tight regime. Actually what i had taken, very few would be able to take. And that for many years. But i did so with objective. And I know though I was outwardly bound, I am actually free because I know my course... and outward circumstance cant curb that freedom of spirit within.

sometimes when i observed 'supposed freedom' (sorry, especially from the point of view of kids), those who subscribed to it, and do as they pleased are actually themselves in bondage to their own weakness and lack of temperance. Their seeming freedom is an imprisonment in itself.

Similarly those who think they weld power by authority, is actually powerless relying on fear and authority. The fact that if they dont have the authority, they cant attain the same compliance shows in fact, there is no 'power' in actuality. The truth is respect is more 'powerful' than authority. And people will go the extra mile and more with respect than with 'power'.

Freedom is very positive and motivates one to go beyond the boundaries to explore, to serve, to give...

Freedom is that which fuels passions, propels to reach greater heights...

i dont know how to describe that feeling, but it makes duty a joy, and the reward is contentment, not extrinsic, but intrinsic... There is boundlessness in the confines of circumstances.... it is inexplicable... but those who taste it will understand...

Good leaders know how to give this liberty and trust. Only those who have confidence in themselves and in others can trust. I hope the kids that i have mentored will be good leaders, and grow to understand this first within themselve and to exercise with discretion the same trust in their roles, whereever they are....when they grow up... when i talk to them... i see them in my mind's eyes many many years later... and hope they will be good people, good leaders, good team players....

i find it gratifying talking to each and every kid... i do wish they are made of sterner stuff to take hard knocks.

Most of all, i wish them to acquire understanding of themselves, and others and be positive people, and love and give freedom.

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I really do love the feeling of freedom.... if u ask, do i have it now? i will say, yes, not because of what i physically and actually have....

my happiness is not confine to labels and 'success'. I am content.

Yes, I am very sad, and yes, oft times lonely. But I am happy within myself. I dont have any need; I dont have any wants; I may feel pain and sorrow. But I am happy and content. I am not chasing illusions.

I am free... :) I thank the person for asking me... it made me delve deeper and realise how much freedom i have... and that i am happy...

5 months and 10 days....

its been 5 months and 10 days without mum... to be more precise 164 days...

this week especially these few days have been quite unrestful... many images at her various stages of unwellness kept coming back... not that i deliberately think and give way to them... but in subconcious dreams and thoughts, they recur these past nites...

again and again, i wished i had done more to ease her sufferings... there is something childlike about her that makes one want to protect her... despite her being street wise, she is vulnearble...

i dont know if it is normal to feel so much pain this long... i can only say at least i have done my duty at work, and more than my duty often... at least i am not a burden to anyone in anyway at any time...at least i keep cheerful and i think kept others cheerful too...

Today ky told me dr kwok is retiring this month. Dr Kwok is our family dentist, and a very very good dentist whom i have seen for more than 30 years. But I did not go to him the past 6 months. Because all the memories of taking mum there will flood back. When i went to the clinic in april when I was unwell, i ended up crying because of the memories (and i dont usually cry...). The doctor gave me a whole load of medicine for depression which i did not take at all. No medicine can take away that terrible gnawing pain. I know it just had to be borne. I didnt tell anyone about the doctor visit. That itself was too painful...and what is too painful, its best not said at all...

I am sorry to lose Dr Kwok.

i guess its all the impending changes...I dont usually discuss plans with mum; our views, concerns, considerations differ, though of late we converged more than diverged. But once I decided, I would inform her, and give her my rationales. Usually by the time I do that, she knows me well enough that I have decided. And when I decide, thats it. Thats me... at least me in the past. And usually she will support, even with reservations. I miss doing that now...

It is strange, really strange how much and how deep a person affects us, is only known when the person is no longer with us. I am not one that takes anyone for granted. I really consider and reflect all the time... and value everyone.... i guess that is also why i am easily hurt... but i wont show...

I had always thought it was dad I was closer to. But I realised it is actually mum... dad was rational... but mum was intuitive... rational communicates to the mind... but intuitiveness touches the inner chord...

why a person affects us more than others is really inexplicable... i can only described it as intuitive...some people somehow affects me too much...
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O for time to mitigate; to ease ; to subdue; to be kind...

and for grace, courage, strength to tide through the tides of change...

i dont ask to do great things... i only wish my life to make a small mark in the lives of a few... and to live meaningfully for others to the end... and at the end, to be with the Lord.

turning points....point of inflexion?

Bad nite...tossing and turning... I am not a person that like change, much less changes. ...sigh....

i am a die hard sentimentalist... so well there are alot alot of conflicts...

i actually said to sk that i thought of getting a place around here just to stay within the neighbourhood where i had been my whole life... both she and bil said no... i guess not practical in the long run... whatever, that had to be faced by next year...

They say change is one of the 2 constants in life.

Someone asked me if i write haiku . I did, when i was in school... was thinking of venting out via haiku... but no inspiration. Haiku is a 3 line prose with 5-7-5 syllables, usually on a subject/theme about nature... this is the simplest explanation. Originates from Japanese. And I thought...try something...

change is a turning

point or an inflexion point

remains to be seen.....

Feeble attempt... I know...that was the analogy that came to my mind...mathematical language and poetry just doesnt merge... So i thought illustrate with pictures, and to my amazement, there are loads of them on them, and I am not the only one that think like that!!!! O well... i am not so unique after all. :)

[Caveat: i do not take any financial risk, the graph above is merely to show that there are others who can map life events to math. Also as at this point, change to me is not associated with fear... more to unsettling...]

And thanks Ji Eun for the hug yesterday... i really like running into the kids along the corridor, in the canteen.... i like to see them growing up, and happy.... these are moments i will cherish....

update.. weakness...thanks!

past week was very busy...work is beginning to stack up....

but it was a good week especially the 1.5 day training session I attended. Its been a very very long time that I had signed up for a course on a full school day... so was refreshed.

Glad to meet Selvathi... didnt realise she had returned back to moe... it must be at least 7 years that we were out of touch...Both of us remarked to one another that after one whole long cycle, both of us returned back to our first love: our vocation. She is a lovely person...

at my piano lesson today, Chris was telling me to improve on articulation, (I am really really bad, both inherently and lack of practice) and I said to her, this is my weak point. And she said weak point is to be corrected. There shouldnt be weak points. The mark of a good teacher.

And I took note of it: the mark of a good student.

For those who persist in believing that they should strengthen their strengths and cover up their weaknesses, excusing it with archilles tendon, they should really ponder: A chain is as strong as its weakest link. The point of weakness will make or break you.

Thankfully, music is only a past-time for me...nevertheless I will take heed more because of the fact that I want to keep my mind and response sharp and alert and work on areas that my mind (brain ) does not exercise in ie coordination. I dont want to be a burden to the young in my advanced years.

ok...short of time to write.... and the lovely picture was drawn by a student... thank u very much!

music and driving...

i resume my piano lesson today. after stopping for 6 months....

this is a big step forward for me... many thanks to ky who quietly suggested i should start soon... and aaron... i dont know why, but he particularly reminded me of the importance of music... and each time i see him in class, i would tell myself call chris and start the lesson...

Chris is a wonderful piano teacher. Very patient, practical, encouraging without pushing, and she was never condescending or boastful at all, though she plays so well. I have been with her for nearly 6 years...

I have very very bad coordination, I cant count beats. Even now. Its quite hard to believe, that I cleared my grade 5 last year. I have difficulty coordinating between fingers, between my 2 hands, between counting and playing, between pedalling and playing, and reading notes and playing. I cant tap my feet and play. That was why the piano teacher that taught me when I was 8(?), told my mum I wont make it. I was very sad because I do love music. But I also know piano lessons were very expensive, and sk was performing well. So I had to drop after a few months.

actually i never thought i will ever learn to play the piano in my life. I wanted to have some music in my life, so whilst trying to sort many things out, and i was just giving tuition that time, I got myself a flute and self learnt. Manage to get a few tunes out.

Wanted to get a small keyboard to help get some tunes out.... at yamaha, somebody wanted to trade in her clavinova for a piano... i was there, so i got the clavinova, and thought just sign up for lessons a few months... that was in 2004... it turned out more than a few months.

I am not good at learning from people, especially one to one situation. I am very sensitive to impatience, and felt my stupidity, slowness to progress is the cause of irritation. That made my mind freeze and shut down. Once confidence is gone, it seriously hinders learning for me. But because I know what it feels to feel so louzy, that also seriously helped me become a good teacher.

from the very first lesson with her, I knew she was good. very good. Teacher instinct tells me. I was actually very embarassed because when i register for lessons, they asked me how old is my child taking the lesson. And you dont see people my age attending music lessons seriously. Maybe a few lessons for 'enterntainment'.

I remembered she was quite amazed at my lack of coordination, especially with the pedal, and told me it is the same as driving. I looked at her, and said I dont drive, I have no coordination and no sense of direction. She never once looked exasperated or impatient, and kept telling me it can be overcome. I told her I didnt want to take exams, and will be happy just to play a few songs. After 2 years, she convinced me to try Grade 3 (I got distinction!), then grade 5. But I have to admit, it is more rote playing. I am really not good. But I will keep trying.
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Three years after i picked up piano, I signed up to learn driving, and got my licence within 6 months, putting in nearly 120 hours of lessons. (thankfully it was before i joined nush!) It was costly, but i know, driving is a serious responsibility to other road users. I cant made mistakes.

I didnt have good instructiors in the driving school, but when there was one that was very good, Ghazali, I booked him for all my lessons though it cost more to do so. He was another excellent teacher, and to this moment, I recalled many of his invaluable advice on certain situations on the road. If I still dont drive well, the fault is entirely mine. He was really good and taught for all kinds of traffic situation.

Randy Pausch talked about childhood dreams. I did achieve some of my many childhood dreams. Unless you knew me, you cant believe how hard it is for me to be able to do this. Until my twenties, I cant recognise a left shoe from a right shoe. Actually to this moment, I have problem with orientation. As el said to me in june, that i can drive, and is driving, is really amazing seeing i was well known to my peers for getting lost, and not being able to find my way. I know mum was particularly impressed (it mattered alot to me what she thought of me) that I made it, and did drive her around some times.

No matter how determined you are, when that is your area of weakness, you do need a good instructor, guide, teacher to point out to you how to overcome; to encourage you to continue, and motivate you to reach greater heights... I am fortunate, very fortunate. I have a third good teacher... that I got to know also the last few years... will write about her another time...

A good teacher understands your learning fears, motivates you to overcome weaknesses, and strive to higher grounds. I will never be an accomplished pianist, nor a dexterous driver. But I am able to do what I will never attain without them. Because they never gave up on me, even when I didnt seem to be progressing, it gave me hope, and confidence.

At the same time, it takes a good student to receive, and ponder not just the skill that is taught, but the thought behind the teaching. This is very important. When they care for me, and showed annoyance, I know I have missed something. And because I know they cared, i try hard to make up for my liability.

As Randy Paush said, when you do a bad job, and people dont tell you, it is because they have given up on you. So when they point out the weaknesses, I always take time to reflect the intentions and to transfer the learning in other aspects... I am a good student! :)

There is really alot to learn from Randy's lecture... he has definitely left behind an invaluable legacy...

I hope to be able to keep up these 2 aspects for the remaining years that the Lord would preserve me..... and i am thankful to make this move today...

变迁

变。。。

变迁。。。迁流。。。流落。。。落漠。。。漠然。。。

然而。。。 一片渺茫。。。



决定。。。
定局。。。局面。。。面临。。。临别。。。别离。。。

离散。。。无可奈何。。。


又是秋

秋去是冬。。。冬过是春。。。 必度过寒冷。。。


寻觅方向。。。

向往。。。往日。。。日思夜挂。。。情义何时尽