end of march....

there are alot of things i want to write..... but energy is really lacking....

April is going to be 'the' month....starting with monday, which i have taken leave of all present commitments to do the project with L. Thankfully, the preparation at my end did not take as long as I thought it would, though i really was given very little time....whatever, monday is going to be a 'new' experience, though again thankfully, my part should only be less than 30 minutes....however this episode could be a precursor to a future route..... which though remote, it is not entirely out of sight.

then, the start of the other project....which i didnt wriggle out...sigh...

and a third one....which my 2 "No"'s still end in limbo.... and i was supposed to submit a brief biography which is a kind of cv....honestly, all i want to write, is i love learning and teaching. That in itself is my greatest qualification. But most people, are looking for what fantastic uni you come from, and what titles you hold, what awards you get....

i was thinking of something just now, and was shaking my head to myself, and involuntarily the words came out, i cant stand systems. And almost the same moment, Ms Heng's words came to me, "SH, you are always looking for a system." When Ms Heng said that to me, she was the age I am now. Is this a age wisdom? I do see her perspective better now....

...yet, i have also seen things in the course of my life, that are without systems, but vested in persons. When the person(s) is gone, the good work died along. I saw that 20 years ago. Thereafter, whatever i do, I do vest them in a 'system', so that even after i leave, it should carry on for some time. But I have also learnt, that as long as there is no person with equivalent vision, understanding and drive (in order of importance) to carry on, it cant be maintained.

What is needed is a system for structure, and, with it, astuteness and wisdom to make exceptions. But how do you measure the last 2 elements? That brings to question: Are leaders born, or nurtured?

Or who makes a better leader, one with a big heart, or one with a 'big' mind?

My contention is: if you really have a big mind, you actually would have a big heart. Hence, the second 'big' in the above statement is in quote mark. Pseudo 'big'.

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So....

With 3 projects that are not in the main flow of my regular events, thats really alot...

Then, in my 'main' flow of events, i got a 70% assignment due in 2 weeks for my second last module. Thankfully i completed the presentation last nite for the 15% assessment part. And no, i got nothing done wrt my dissertation. Sigh. That stupid stray event!!!!

And at school end.... the duties and responsibilities come in much heavier this month... why did i agree to it? If i say, its for ideals, its for my dream of nurturing the next generation of teachers, hoping to have many more that will pass on the baton, does it make sense? Taking on responsibilities, without status and title, is always deemed crazy.... but that is what i have been doing in most places anyway....

And with that, have to work on a scale beyond just an institute....i will take every opportunity where helping teachers are concern....if you impact them, they impact many more.... what i have no energy to do in time to come, they can continue...

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i am tired. i really am... But how much teaching life have i got. I asked myself aloud that day, and there were 2 students with me for remedial, one of them said, 20 years? I was quite touch, but i said, No, i dont have that long more.... i must pass on.... in that, the sense of urgency is real.

So, its going to be a very tough April....
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And for the kids here, i feel more and more for them. sometimes, they would come up and tell you they didnt do their work or they cant do etc. U can be impatient and scold them. Esp when u know attitude is not good in the first place. But, if u really take time to listen, there are so many reasons behind....divorce, family member in jail.....

I have learnt one thing for a long time, through my own life. It is not enough to care, and be 'dedicated' and 'committed'. You must engage their mind. Get them to learn, to achieve a higher thinking platform. Its from there that they can drive themselves forward. Heart and mind must be engaged both in the learning and teaching....lately there have been more who really have more shine in their eyes in class.... and expressedly said so....i really hope i have sufficient time to make a difference before they take the Os at the end of the year...

Now tell me about needing funds for 'innovative' teaching!!! Get your basics right first!

fully occupied week....drove out alot of thoughts.

too tired to write much, but just saw the headlines about more fund for innovative teaching.

seriously, is it innovative teaching that is needed, or dedication with good thinking teaching?

if algebra concepts is really understood through songs and games, try trusting a surgeon or engineer to learn their concepts by that way!

Money cant buy alot of things, but it can buy alot of showmanship and attention!!!!

Imitation of learning via 'test results' is not equivalent to learning that endures. SIGHHHHHHHHH!

irritating...

ok, i realised i am behind time with some news...

was with sk and zl for dinner yesterday, and felt guilty eating quite a few quail's eggs cos of the cholesterol thingee. Then both of them told me, that eggs raised cholesterol theory is now de-bunked....and for some time.

Googled for information and found that yes, they are right.

Most irritating. I really like eggs. Thankfully, i have always reasoned out that on the whole, my diet is low in fat, so consuming 5-6 eggs a week now and then, cant be too bad. Now they say, its good and ok.

So, i now realised 2 of my favourite food items eggs and prawns are after all, not that 'bad'. No need to tell me about moderation cos i dont eat anything much in excess (still cant account for the excess weight though...sigh!). At least, now i dont have to think twice eating them. In fact, i have been avoiding prawn items.

i still find it irritating to have theories propagated only to be told they are myths, despite the consolation that i can enjoy the very few food items that i like.

another quote....

someone gave me this quote today:

"A calm sea never makes a skilful sailor."

hmmm..... i like it! :)

Quote of the day...

Quote of the Day

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

this is the quote of the day in my email today.

When i was 15, Dee gave me a glass plaque, very beautiful, and on it was this quote. I questioned alot from young....over social issues, over issues of humanity, over issues of ideals.

I understood why she gave me this quote. But serenity, courage, and wisdom are qualities that one cannot command.

When I saw this quote again, in some ways, i can say the three elements have cumulated over more than three decades....yes, i have the serenity to know things that cannot be changed, and do have the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. But it is through learning from turmoil of not accepting things I cannot change; through paying the price for not having the courage to change the things I ought to....when I knew i should....and wasted more than ten years.....

It wasnt that God did not grant me the wisdom in the past....i had trusted in the 'wisdom of man' in the name of religion. Indeed, if it was not for the kindness and mercies of God, I could have been trapped for life in the folly of fear.

Not that I should looked back with regret. What is past is past. Through the tempest, I still did do good when i could, and always to consider others.....actually over-consider for others....folly...

So this quote struck a strong inner chord. However wise one can be when young, its age and experience that gives it the depth and resonance......

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i really like working a 4 day week. After Monday, actually the remaining 3 days are almost a breeze, though they are days with the longest working hours. Actually, with just over 9 hour teaching load a week, and the rest optional remedials, left entirely on my own to design my own teachng framework, its really a treat. And rewarding as one sees the effect of the tailored program works.

And now that the kids are more used to me, and I to them, alot more harmony, convergence of purpose, and it is really quite pleasant as the shaping of the mind is beginning to be seen. The earlier frustrations have been well worth, now that i am beginning to reap from the groundwork that had to be laid.

Mornings are also not so stressed, i have my sufficient sleep, and can leave my place at 8, and its still ok. And no worries about anything much once work is over. And no need to attend long meetings, nor any school events! The long drive is the bane, but for the freedom, respect, scope, and the sense of doing good for the community... it is quite worthwhile.

If the kids really will progress and work hard.... and there are many encouraging positive signs.....it would be even more worthwhile.

Although it can be a little lonesome... apart from the kids, and a few people i need to communicate, i can literally walk in and out only talking to kids....and work for hours at my own cubicle, totally on my own... But again, that is fine. I am never good at social settings or making small talks for the sake of it. Work is a good and sufficient companion.

And this way there are no conflicts. I hate conflicts, micro management, and ocd personality. Power and authority can never quell creativity, individuality, diversity and originality.....to attempt to do so renders power powerless ....

But yes, i miss my friends and my buddies...and the kids... sometimes very much, like today......but this was part of the cost i knew i had to pay.......this loss is far far more than material ....

but i always understood opportunity cost...and did count them before embarking....

and anyway, i am used to the ache of loss...and lonesomeness...

The above quote did apply here....

little chappies make me happi! :D

best gadget/ my bestest sister

the best gadget that i bought at the start of 2011 is this fujitsu tablet which is also touchscreen...

the best gadget that i bought at the end of 2011 is the super duper hp colour printer....

and many thanks to the professional advice and help from dc....in both areas, i got the best for my purpose. And he was very decent to accompany me in the purchases, 'prepare' the laptop with all the software that i would need, as well as set up the printer for me....

and as for my super duper printer, well it can e-print, it can do 2 side printing, and it has a duplex feeder. So it is super efficient, and for these past weeks, it has been indispensable!

And now that sk is doing online modules, and needed notes to be printed, it has made it the best buyof the year! Am glad to be able to support her in this small way....

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i have been observing sk....since she started work when she was about 19 or 20, she has worked in 3 organisations. The first was where she met bil, maybe a year, the second was perhaps only a few months, but at the third, she worked for more than 30 years, surviving 8 or more retrenchments, and was the most senior, and the longest servinng administrative officer.

She always credited what she had to me, giving her the support and advice. In a way, I was always quite prudent, knew her circumstance, and was well, always rational and circumspect. But, that she, actually listened, followed advice, and was contented, and was super efficient at her work, she got to be really something.

Her organisation is of world repute, in the sector, easily top 10 in the world, and she served top-ranking global leading personnel. She always said she was kept because she was too dumb to be smart. But i think, apart from her super efficiency, her greatest asset is her being so unassuming, and modest.

It did worry me how she would be, when she opted to 'retire' at the same time as her boss returned to her country for another posting. She had told me time and again that she wanted to go into teaching of kiddies. Then about 2 years ago, she volunteered in the autistic ministry in her church. I was surprised that not only did she continue in it, she was really dedicated and really loved the kids with special needs.

Unlike me, kids have always loved her. In any gathering, she would always be the favourite aunt of the kiddos, and I, well, the stand-offish one. She just clicks with them. She is lively and energetic, and quite a personality. Actually, i can understand why mum loved her specially. She just has that x factor.

She just embarked on her new path, at the church autistic school. It has troubled her that in her applications, she had to list her 'academic' achievement, and that in interviews, people asked about 'A' levels. Personally, I think these people are XXXXXXXX. When someone has worked over 30 years, and at such a high level post, with outstanding reviews, to ask about 'A' levels is just madness. true, she is not inclined to academic subjects, but that does not mean anything that significant. At that time, what kind of support did we have, if for some reason or other, we didnt do well in schools? None whatsoever. We were just a statistic that no one bothered. Kids these days dont realise the pain and hardship when we were kids....

I have been really impressed at her diligence, motivation, and determination to learn about the teaching strategies of this spectrum of learners.... Its a total change from her lifestyle, and the pay cut is immense, at least 70%, but she felt that having the opportunity to serve in this manner, she is contented that she has done her part in the will of God.

To be honest, she has never been really close to me, though I was close to her...urm...dont know if this makes sense....i understand her, but not the other way round....though she does try to be there for me....i guess in many ways, she cant reach out to me....yet, i do know, when i was like a boat tossed in the sea at rv after mum was gone, i knew the only way i can have some stability is to move near to her. And that was definitely a move that 'saved' me and gave me the 'sanity' out of the long dark tunnel.

There are many levels that we relate to people. Some emotionally, some intellectually, some by interest, some by common principles, some by work, some by sheer length of togetherness... and some, by that special bond of being in the same family. Sad to say, I didnt and dont have that bond with any other family member...not even mum and dad... With them, the over-riding factor was duty and responsibility....from 16, i was independent and looked after them... Things were always in a upheaval.... sk is the only one that i can share empty talk, and just be around cos we are bonded as a family....and that really only perhaps the last ten years or so, when both zg and zl took on to me....

i am both amazed and encouraged by her, especially when really things are not always great around us, even now. Actually, we both have a common trait, materialism has no grip on us. So, at this time, when both of us, left what had been stable for us, to embark on an unknown path, it hasnt been easy for either. But, both are contented, both want not to live our lives in vain.... and really..... i have the bestest sister! :D

quotes...

"Are we educating students for a life of tests or for the tests of life?"

"Growth and change are found in disequilibrium, not balance."

affinity

its funny how for some unfathomable reason, one should feel a kind of affinity for another...

i was never really fond of children; yes, its nice to see some cutie pies, and comment they are so, and then, well, thats it, for me. Give me pussies any time.

for that reason also, i never quite liked to teach kiddies. For the first 15 years of my teaching, it was always 15- 16 year old kids, in fact graduating classes for 12 years? It was only after that stretch that i did relief teaching for lower secondary years, and well, did adjust to like them, though they are usually abit empty headed to me. had tutored a few primary school kids but, on the whole, no thank you.

why i decided to give primary school kids a try this time, is something i have been irritated with myself, especially when i started on it. That is the dreaded monday, going from one of this small dot to the other.....i guess, i wanted to understand more of their cognitive level, and to experience it for myself....

anyway, sometime in the 4th week or so, this little impish chap stayed behind and in very few words, indicated he couldnt follow. There was something in the way he looked....(or maybe i am a sucker for introverts...seeing their words in their silence)... and somehow this little chap found his way into my soft spot. Week after week, he would be the one that come up to ask questions, and pertinent ones. He never seemed scared even when i got very fierce with the naughty ones.... he would be the only one that stayed behind for 5 to ten minutes time and again for that extra explanation. He isnt fast, alot of blank spaces, but somehow, he seemed to try hard to understand...and he is slow at articulating his thoughts, unlike most of the others who cant stop yakking away.

Then there is this other girl with such a listening look. Every session, these 2 especially made my day. And somehow, I think they knew it too....there is just this inexplicable affinity.

Yesterday and today, there were special holiday sessions with the class, and it was longer than the usual time...i have to say, i enjoyed teaching the class, though i did get a splitting headache. Now that i am more used to them, and more accustomed to the highly interesting manner of doing primary sch math, i had alot more liberty to see connections in the concepts and strategies. I try to get through to them that, they should focus on concepts and see relationships, instead of just solving problems to get marks..... I saw a couple of kiddies eyes brightened with understanding. Its been some time since I saw that look, an enlightened kind of look.....

6 more sessions to go, and this will also be over....i will be glad to be free of it, as i really need the time, though i must say, i am also quite happy that i can teach little kiddies after all, although, not so little, they are P6....and quite an achievement to help them make sense of their convoluted math questions....

---and I wondered if there would be opportunity ever to run into the special ones again....that look... that really made one want to reach out, protect, and help ....i never thought i would be able to reach out to kiddies, much less have affinity with them....

ah....maybe this is part of getting old....

simplicity is...

simplicity is a virtue...

simplicity is a source of bliss...

simplicity is a good guiding principle...

just wrote to turn down, for the second time, what some would have considered a good opportunity.......yes, it is quite a unique opportunity... opportunity cost of turning down seems high....

first of all, i need to and have been practising saying, No. It felt good to do so and send off the email. The first time, i wasnt sure. That was why, i could be persuaded to reconsider....

i knew i could have done it well... and remembered that time is not at my side, but..... but somehow feel this is not the time. And the higher the platform, the higher the profile, the more averse i am...

then, the question of purpose.....

some may say thats a loss...and i have always felt, what one didnt have in the first place, how can one count is as a loss?

for a meaningful, worthwhile cause...yes, one more go, i may consider expending reserve energy....

Now, relish simplicity....

simplicity is....

holding pussy in my arms, wiping her dripping nose;

staring into space, hearing the lapping of waves, picking shells....

turning the pages of memories in my mind, wondering how each of my kids are doing.....

lovely lunch

it was a lovely lunch, solely because of the lovely company.... i have forgotten how nice and comfy it is to be with buddies....and yes, i do so miss such lovely and fun company....

Paths...

How do one choose one's path?

By Interest into a new realm? By sense of mission? By finding pathways to fulfil dreams? By the ease of the route?

I am very thankful that in the list of options, I no longer have to list, the needs of life's duty, as the one and only option.

Due to some stray event that took place (that shouldnt have), i had resolutely ruled out the first. But attending today's meeting has been quite interesting. I really like analytical stuff.....so that option floated back. But new arena requires hard work to break ground... I dont like half-baked effort and being a charlatan....energy...do i really want to expend it?

This year, i have given myself to the sense of mission. In that, it will not be a weight on my conscience...although i will do what i can to help establish a stronger base for others....so yes, that option, is probably no longer one i need to consider....except, i have been well treated....

Yes, fulfilling dreams is probably nearest to my heart, but, i dont want to start all over again....nor do i really want to return...unless i have the space to fulfil my dreams....

Ease of route has the strongest advantage...at my present level of energy....and especially cos i am also enjoying the luxury of time and liberty....especially when it gives me the biggest latitude to look after others....

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Look up....ssh....look up.... be at peace.... yes, i am grateful, that i am....whatever the paths....i looked back, and can honestly say, it has not been a path trodden in vain....

lets wait to see how the year unravels to take the steps ahead....

More Readings...

Reading is really a luxury....its like opening the windows at diiferent parts of the house, and seeing the views changing, emerging, or differing in shades due to the different times of the days, or different times of the year......in this case the window is the mind's eyes traversing the landscapes even if of the same topic, through the multi-faceted experiences of individuals.....

Yet not all readers receive the same gain. If you look out of the window, just to judge the weather, to decide to bring an umbrella or not, well, thats all you will see.... i think it was yesterday that sy posted a picture of the sky, and greeted, good morning! ....that actually struck me....he looked up, he saw the sky...he saw the boundlessness, the clarity, the blueness....he captured it...and he posted it to share it..... i didnt respond, but i felt that moment of being awed....and that liberty.....

yes, read a good book.... a collection of various thoughts and essays of various educationists on the Curriculum for the 21st century.... alot to glean, reflect.... i think of the many indeas and concepts that i still have not shared....if i was younger, such collaboration would have been very fulfilling....well, at least a few of my ideas did materialise....when i hear the kids 'comment' on the journals or put up their work...especially the book cover design, i feel gratified... 5 years running and the purpose is still served.... i do wish sometimes that i can reach to a wider learning community....

being fiercely competitive had put our small nation on the world's map....but a heavy price is paid for it.... the lack of collaboration, the lack of open-ness to discuss, to learn, and share, to evaluate with honesty, have really push us backward despite the "first world" status. And when 'opinions' are voiced, so much is 'personal in view', lacking an informed breadth and a true understanding of nurturing the education path of a child...and when such are at the helm, well, the form without substance cannot but be the result.

The heart of the process of education requires the teacher's insight and perception into the learning process and cognition of a child and the consequent mapping of the plan to enhance the child's growth. Especially more so in the age of technology, where knowledge per se, can be acquired virtually. Unless the teacher engages the learner's thought and heart, breathes life to inspire the child to want to learn, and have the discipline to learn, strengthening the moral and character fibre through the process; excites and invigorates the mind to explore, and create......otherwise classroom teaching may be relegated to an exchange akin to consumerism and no more.

Actually nothing irks me more than a teacher who says he/she does not like to read.

Sigh, thought i was planning for retiring out of the education landscape? I hope there will be a few young hearts that will be kindled for a brigher education vision.

To the young, i caution: never trust yourself, or your own experience as the one and only source. Open up your mind, take contradictions, oppositions and challenges , and have continual humility to learn...

The compulsive obsession (or obsessive compulsion, whichever is the case ) to quell individuality, originality, differences, diversity is the folly of the "intelligent". Strange, its this category of 'intelligence' that shows the most insecurity and feels the most ' threat' to their 'superiority' (or inferiority, again whichever is the case....).

And that disorder has been the cause of untold destruction in many realms....that which education fails to address in neglective to cultivate breadth and generiosity of mind and heart.....leads to ocd leadership in each arena.....

i digress....

thoughts on a reading...

Just read a highly analytical and thoughtful paper written in 2006 on the curriculum landscape in spore. What struck me most was, that the many issues that had troubled me over the past 5 years, which i had raised again and again, had actually been foreseen and anticipated. Yet....

The consolation is, whilst i had thought, it was a 'personal discomfort', i now saw that persons far far more respected, erudite and perceptive had expressed more in depth issues and viewpoints, and in such an elegant and insightful inquiry.

Though there were like-minded that did agree with my concerns, most cited their lack of experience to see perspectives fully. To me, it was like 'emperor's best clothes'. It was obvious. But i realised, no one really bothers, so long as, no one is particularly affected (not life-and-death issue, so to speak); rocking the boat, and raising questions show one to be unco-operative; And after all, there are 'evident' results, or success, as it is 'termed'. The ends always justify the means.

And then again, like a kaleidoscope, depending on which angle the 'justifier' choose to level the argument, especially when placed on the security of a higher platform, ends and means are synonomous. I have noticed all too often, how things are applied/received/presented differently depending on which 'role' one assumes, to whom and from whom. So consistent are the inconsistencies that it is so predictable!

Honestly, if the points so pertinently raised in the article, and that 6 years ago, had been faced courageously, and leaders duly responded and actions taken in the right direction for true professional development, it would have led to a more robust educational environment in many institutions.

But I wont be surprised that the article is quite unknown to many 'experts' or 'leaders' in the field. And that because unfortunately, many 'leaders/experts in education" these days are people who loved to hear the sound of their own voice or who have escalated (not fast enough in their humble opinion) into roles far beyond their true calling in the vocation or their ability even in teaching itself. And these usually regard that as long as they 'deserve' their elevation to the said pedestal , their views are superior (founded or not/resesearched or not, is that important?).

And ignorance is bliss is to be embraced. First of all, as long as one's own terrain is well guarded, why seek in depth? Secondly, as long as one justifies oneself, (by pouring scorn on other academics) then, wherein lies any issue? Thirdly, if one has to show oneself to be well-read,, one should read books on how to be successful, or how to be a great leader, or a great somebody, or books that display ones intellectual prowess.... why read academic research papers (from which local persons?) which may be biased, especially if local.... (caveat: as long as it is not their own). Let sleeping dogs lie is quite a good advice to follow in such case.

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For myself, I am glad to see how there are fellow citizens, of such strong repute and intellect that had put up papers to raise all the pertinent issues. I rest content. There are people that had the courage to study, analyse and had spoken. My respect to them.

And i keep thinking.... its probably good to start planning for retiring from the education landscape....

and no apologies for the acerbity...it could have been a quite few degree more acerbic....

'quarter year' reflection...

Though it is not a quarter of a year, but in school calendar, a quarter school year has passed. So time to evaluate...

For all the adjustments, and really alot more work than i had anticipated, i have to say.... its been worthwhile. One class of 36 kids are totally with me. And though i know there are alot of limitations, i hope with time, more boundaries can be broken. And the other, well, in their own terms, most of them are more positive. Its been hard work, and it has paid off.

Honestly, i expect it. Example is always better than precepts.
You cant go wrong, if the intent is to listen, to nurture; and sound content and pedagogical knowledge with clear cognitive understanding being present: Heart, mind, understanding and experience are aligned.With adjustments, it is a matter of time to see growth....

Energy is the only diminishing element.... and that affects patience. I keep reminding the kids, I need the motivation, and their response did motivate me. So, yes, it has been a good 'end' to the term, though there will still be lessons next week. Fully requested by students. That again, is encouraging.

So the tiredness is worthwhile.

Also, it is good to be respected and constantly consulted at every level. And this I really appreciate. There is no need to hold a 'title' to be respected.

The cause, quality and substance of work of value will merit respect. And ultimately true respect draws like-minded educators together. 'Glory' and 'Achievement' are all outward that must constantly be maintained to 'prove' oneself. And without it, where is the meaning, and motivation?

I am thankful not tobe trapped in such a shackle. Though depth is lacking, at least, there isnt superficiality and show.
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And i did learn to say 'No' a few times this week....must conserve energy and strength....and did feel better by today and did some work.....And i think i still have a fighting chance of submitting next week to both organisations for clearance...30% to go for this weekend....

Abit disappointed with some quarters.....it isnt good to be able to perceive too much....but have also learnt to give allowance, and adjust for differences and expectations....that is intelligence... :)

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i have more or less returned back to some form of reclusiveness and seclusiveness and i dont mind....not that i dun miss the 'community' life i had at nush....although there has been communication and enquiry of welfare, it is not the same....this was one of the factors that had held me on for so long... and yes, i miss the kids and the tenor of conversations and thought.....

i am very thankful not to be drawn into a whirlpool of activities, 'instructions' and duties with consequent frustrations and vexations.

actually at the personal level, have gained in many ways; reading, reflecting, designing of materials in multiple context; more time for people, pussies, and music. The only significant loss is material... but the gain cant be measured by material.

and the other loss is i am gaining weight.....sigh!

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Looking foward....

the next quarter will see even more challenges and a few 'assignments' will pave way for some insights into possible future decision.....not my comfort zone, but there is a need to venture forward, if only to eliminate the route....

hopefully, dissertation will progress....

hopefully, things will not go too far wrong with those close at hand..... ls and her ailing sister remain a heavy load....
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Given the major change made, really, apart from the pains of life, things have really been good.

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Truly, the Lord has been good, and exceeding kind and merciful. Indeed, I realised how blessed it is to have the knowledge of the truth. In the midst of turmoil and darkness, the comfort of the Scriptures gives deep consolation. The world by wisdom knew not God. Sad, but true. Yes, godliness with contentment is great gain.

sad :(

alot of sad news....

heavy hearted for ls....

feel the pain and conflict for zl....

laila says she needs to go home.... she's been a nice maid, and a pleasant company to me...and Tn B like her....

sk is also going thru upheavals with the end coming this week....

pussies hadnt been ok somehow....

and i really am very tired....and am very down. I have learnt in life, to trust only in the Lord; to rest, and to encourage myself to see things in perpective. I have given up bothering to explain, cos, really, no one is going to understand. For most of them, what they see is what it is. And it is more important for them to say their piece than to really listen.

i really have limited energy. In priority, ls, ky and sk family and pussies are first....then there is S1.....And the kids that need the help for their exams...and who trust me to help them.... anything else is peripheral...

its just i am so tired.... i do so wish that i dont have to take the weight....sigh..... tomorrow i may feel better....

memos....

was not particularly thinking of writing.... tired, and yes, worried... but if i dont, i wont be able to re-trace some thread of thoughts....

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Got T n B each a 'bed', and they liked them. :) Especially tiger...will update about pussies another day...

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attended piano emsemble last nite at yst put up by nus students/alumnus cos pl's daughter cw is performing. Enjoyed it more than expected. Duets are always interesting. i really wished i could be an accomplished pianist. Altho i am still keeping up with lessons, and surprisingly, despite not practising at all, sight reading has improved. I know my own limitations. I am too self-aware and lacked that focus and concentration to 'perform' well. But in my limited capacity, i am still learning and pushing boundaries...

cw's wedding will be on my bday this year.... seeing her growth over 18 years, I am happy, very, for pl....

brought ls and ky along....sometimes, i dont know what else to do to stand by both....and i am tired also... and its going to be tough for ls... the Lord grant us mercies to persevere and trust in the days of our sojourning....

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being at nus also brought back a lot of memories of the phase at nus.... a phase i dont say much about....in many ways, it was then, that i developed and knew my strengths.... and weaknesses....the saddest thing is, i didnt developed much intellectually, which should have been the purpose of being at uni.... although it was here that i first met people that communicate at a much higher level, that i had learnt from...

and yes, it brought back memories....

actually i was too considerate for others....had i not been.... things could have been very different....but then, would that have been 'me'?

actually that song by John denver "perhaps love" came from this period.....

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monday is the least liked day.... but i remembered a maxim someone said to me, try to like the things you have to do... and if u cant, do it efficiently, to finish it.... so well, i am trying...and it wasnt too bad i guess...

its adjusting 'expectations' also....

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have been reading a couple of books wrt research, and have been quite struck by the thorough and professional frame of thought. One of the authors had lectured at Harvard. Truly, they are in a class of their own: their attitude, thought, approach showed up the many flaws in our 'educational development' ~ note i use the pronoun 'our'.... it showed up my attitude, thought, and approach....

it taught me many things.... to have a higher frame of mentality; to seek for thoroughness, cohesiveness, and depth; to keep memos to trace chain of thought and development; to set a standard for oneself, regardless of external requirement.

And there were so many helpful illustrations and guidance for each phase...

now i am thankful for the hitches.... it allows me to re-think, re-conceptualise, and also make me want to do it better, and not be confined to 'meeting timeframe' mentality.

At first, i was disappointed that i had not been guided in the process in this manner.... but on reflection, i am thankful to have discovered this way myself, and embarked on a discovery learning journey....

i love learning....and after a cycle of untold conflicts and turbulence, to take the path of learning purely for its own sake..... is a luxury.... and i want to value the journey for itself, not because of the destiniation...

Gerlynn has this on her blog, which i always thought was very meaningful...

"Happiness shouldn't be a destination in your life; it should be part of the journey of your life."

The same with learning.... and this memo is written to remind me of this...

completion of one teaching assignment....

in the (too many) varied teaching assignments that i undertake, this one, which was supposed to end next week, came to an end unexpectedly today, cos next week's session is cancelled. In many ways, i had enjoyed this best. But in many ways, this is the most stressful in preparation....so, i am relieved to be offloaded, with the end of this project. I really need the time....

whilst waiting for the class, i took a few shots. actually the picturesque environment is what i like, among other things. i recalled my school-days... yes, i was always in a garden-like environment... and i like to find quiet spots to sit and think during recess time....so this school and its serenity is quite striking.....and lovely. I really like to come into this school compound.

The lake is actually about half the size of a soccer field and with about 6 small fountain like sprinklers. And you can see the roots of the tree has really established itself and seeking its way to the source of water....this reminds me of botanic gardens. And my little feline friend (centre, second phot) was having a good run there...and he noticed me! Also, i always like willow trees... ya, they are abit sad...but there is a grace in their 'sadness'....

this is really a nice school setting....got grace, got culture.....thats why i took these snapshots as a momento...if only many schools take the trouble to bring in natural setting within school compound....tranquility....