依然

怀念、思念。。。。。。

已习惯独自安抚激烈的心疼，让时间把心酸化成一丝丝淡淡、黯然的心思，深埋内处。

我毕竟还是我。 是长久、是短暂。。。还是珍惜。还是怀念。还是默祝。

依然默默无语，依然若无其事，依然往前漫行，依然萧洒看待。。。。

我毕竟还是我。

感想

I have found several occasions Chinese expressions are so much more concise and precise. 感想 is one of them. It conveys not just thoughts, but thoughts that come from inner depths. Translated 'feelings' is really inaccurate. Its the feel of events or happenings that led to thoughts about it. The closest in English expressions I guess is reflections.

Hadnt update for some weeks, not due to a lack of thoughts. Most of the time, when night comes, sleep takes priority. I rarely stay awake pass midnight these days. Have learnt to abide by some regulation. Actually, it has been good weeks with many thoughts, more precisely 感想. With the lapse of time, it would be difficult to recapture them....but will try....

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On 'judging/assessing' person(s)/happening(s)

When it comes to new situations, persons, I am highly cautious and on the whole, prefer to remain insulated from it apart from cursory exchanges. Having attended (regularly by now) a church group since the start of the year, I have managed to just smile or greet a handful, and hardly say anything to anyone, leaving almost immediately at the end. Suffice for me to worship. I know what  many can say to me of what  perhaps I should do, but well.... Thankfully, people have been amicable, and that is good. For me, I have already taken significant steps out of my comfort zone

I realised I have got to the stage that I am 'too lazy' to explain nor do I make effort to try to communicate. Its not important at all. I have walked too long a way. And I am not curious about anyone. Thats not to say that in quiet observations and one has the occasion to be kind, one bypasses it. There is just no need to say much, nor show explicitly. Meaningful gestures need only be known within the circumference of need.

As far as I am concern, its fulfilling of my intent. If I can do so and yet can withdraw from any controversies or in anything that I personally cannot concur, I continue quietly.

In the past weeks, had met up with quite a few people. Two of whom I had not caught up for nearly a year in person, and I had made the effort to do so because it would be some time before it would be possible to do so, and both were persons I valued.

I was a little agitated that both raised issues of controversies involving mutually known friend/acquaintance (different issues, different context, different persons).  Everyone is entitled to their views and opinions, but I note how easily one can quote hearsay (even if from the persons directly) to form a stance. In each of the situations, I was probably more aware than either of some of the possible facts, but I chose not to clarify. First of all, it does not involve me, secondly, I may be wrong and thirdly it is not fair to speak of the stance of others. That to me, is not catching up. In one case, there is good intent in that the person felt there may be possible direct implications.

Good intents can sometimes not come out right. An objective statement is different from a deduction from inferential situations, and making allusions on another individual is not palatable to me. I recognise an objective statement. I recognise also statement of personal beliefs, whether opinionated or not, they are entitled to it. But it is different when unsolicited views are expressed , or viewpoints given from hearsay which I find questionable.

I am also tired of the use of the word 'research' or 'data' to prove, which both also cited. I know yes, that is important....but frankly i can cite many times that I or either of them or many have attemptted something that had helped someone and it is not a 'research' or 'data' led action. What did our forefathers do before scientific inquiry came in? Dont tell me intuition has no place. In everything, there is risks. No one is perfectly certain. Anyone can make mistakes. Who can judge who?

Its not to say I dont have my own personal judgments and independent thoughts that demarcate the circumference of my decisions. Perceptions, insights, intuition, quietly weighing of  factors, discretion, wisdom are words lost in this data generated era.

Maturity helped to ease the friction and deviation to other realms helped lighten the conversation. One ended better than another. Its certainly not my idea of catching up.....and yes, i was disturbed.

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Had a night out with kuech, cl, and cs, classmates of old. Interesting exchanges....not heavy, and more or less on the same page in terms of values, although of course each has their own stance. Good to be comfortable with people you grow up with....

Also good to take auntee out for dinner with dc and ld. That is meaningful to me. :)

The intended 'family' gathering with vl and ld didnt work out, although I managed to see each separately. Valued company as always. It was a good evening with ld to catch a glimpse of the fireworks on national day. One of the best gifts of nushs is to have these two that is more my family than my real family. Truly my comfort.

J and K remain consistent over this period. I have made quite abit of breakthroughs in swimming....now working on increasing laps by length as well as picking up freestyle. Am keeping it regular to help keep balance healthwise. Stress and tension have definitely seeped in, and it is gratifying that whatever unwellness, I have had about 6 weeks totally free of medication. A record. Keeping this routine is helpful though it does require discipline.

I want to keep positive through discomforts. I have glorious hope in the world to come. The remaining days, whatever the obstacles and turbulence, I pray for grace and strength to endure. Brownee is not always well, but at least it is contained.


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Kids

Bernard left for US....actually a third of 403 is/will be away when term starts for UK as well. They have grown up..... It was an interesting conversation with Ernest that day when he dropped by. He quoted someone who says something like keeping a friendship/relationship is not whether the person is present all the time, but that after a lapse of time, we can resume conversation as if there had not been a separation. I thought, well said. I hope this can be so when in 4 years time, they graduate and return. I wonder if there can ever be all 23 back together....probably not....hopefully close to it....

Have quite a few kids that I need to meet up....to me, making time for them is important. Every kid that can walk steadily on and do good will have its own multiplier effect. The same goes for young people.

It has been enjoyable most of the time teaching. My happiest moments remain, in classrooms, seeing the faces of kids lit up when they learn. Everyone wear different masks and put up different fronts in different circumstances. I am myself, really myself in a classroom that I enjoy. Last week, on a few occasions, I felt that joy.....Happy. :)

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There are other thoughts. May not be happiest. A little too heavy....for the moment, this is a good recapture.

and yes i do want to write about why people complain....

Whilst rather eventful (actually every week, there are 3 to 4 happening!), and yes, I did lose my composure in a few frustrating situations (will get more as exams approach), I think, it is still within the realm of placidity and relative harmony. To be appreciated and not taken for granted.