lonesome walk

this writing phase is going to be a lonesome walk within.  Whilst trying to get through the data and conceptualising issues arisng from it....for one moment, some organisation seem to surface then..... the tentacles of convolution intermangling entangle all into a heap of disarray.... sigh.

wake or sleep, this hangs like an albatross.... i cant say i am not tempted to just toss it into the sea....

But i shouldnt. i wont. i dont intend to. That my will is set. I will somehow carry this through. Three months. I can endure that. After which, the tidying up which is another massive work, but at least that is no longer abstract.

so, this place is going to be my breathing space, my sounding board, my venting wall for this period... i cant find anyone really to understand that frame within...not even L  .... i just need to keep believing that i must finish it.

it would not be true to say i dont like this path at all, though 'like' is really a light word. its meaningful because it reflects the reality that is taking place. i still say there is value...i know there is.....and that alone i think will drive me on....two to three years ago, i remember writing a post on motivation. I cant be motivated by what is external, or what is related to self. Sometimes to a fault. I let too many things go.... But i can be motivated by values, meaningfulness, and for higher reasons than self.

i must let this particular chapter rest first...anyway still need L's feedback. May be better to embark on another chapter, much less abstract, but another arduous task....

ok take a break from this now. do tcm. i dont know if i really will have enough time to complete that i can afford the rest. But i guess, if one is running a marathon, one needs to conserve energy to last out and to make a final dash at the end. And conserving energy includes mental energy. at the moment, i am still at the peripheral of the self-imposed timeline, so at least for these 2 days, its safe...i know i am cutting it a little thin...but writing really is correlated with clarity of mind and inspiration.

Ironically, i view tcm as a 'relaxation' to take my mind off this....whilst to most of my coursemates, it is 'the' thing for them.

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hmmm....and i think gy has gone back to uk? i hadnt said bye to her....another year....i no longer dare to be presumptuous that time is always around....

i am afraid most posts may take this form for some time......sigh....

if only words will crystallise...

i should be writing....but not here.

writing is a horribly painful process when words just wont flow....i seriously dont know how i am going to complete the write up for a dissertation that in itself has covered a meaningful and relevant area. I knew it would be an arduous task to take on qualitative research, especially when i am from a pragmatic mathematics background.

but, i didnt want to do something for the sake of just completing a research work. I wanted the work to count toward providing some insight into education. Ideal is always well and good. But how to accomplish it, and do it satisfactorily? i just hate it if i write just to fulfil the minimal requirement, though i am now pressed towards it.

L says this stage is a creative and critical phase. As with all things 'creative', it doesnt just come as and when.... i really want to do justice to those who have participated in this research because really, their teaching experience provides such rich insights. But somehow, i lack the perception, the acumen to bring up the salience with fluency and skill. The words just wont flow, not the way i want it, insightful, that gives meaning....

i hope i wont be staring at blank pages for these 3 months. If these months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds slip away, it would also mean the past two years have come to nought. Dont know how it happen this way, when i completed 8 modules in 3 terms, which is supposed to be a feat, and with a respectable gpa. That procrastination phase has been awful and the lack of motivation and drive just make everything so much more difficult than it appears. when i reach such a point of stagnation, i can think of 3 persons who can understand this frame.

Somehow this is just typical me. Always nearly there but somehow not reaching there. Its really frustrating, but its not because of not reaching the final mark. Its because of the value of this work. I know it has value. And if only i can somehow, somehow agonised it out, then only can it be possible to bring to fruition the small dream in my heart.

there may be many such similar agonising for the next 2-3 months....i just hope by venting, somehow it would somewhat clear the blockages....

actually research is a very lonely path if you are really intent on seeking an answer (and not a show). i suppose this is an indication that even when i finish this, i will not go any further. I would have finished at least 18 months ago, had i chose the easier route of coursework. I am the only one in the last 4 years that embarked on educational research for a masters course. All the lecturers encourage me to, they felt I would make it, and hopefully move on further. Strangely, they all said, it is obvious that i will make it.

it is definitely far from obvious now....

i still say doing exams is easier. and doing assignments is easier also. of course not when there is an avalanche.

on a happier note, i cleared my grade 6 piano exam...though i think that is really the limit of my ability. Chris still says, you never know until you try.... i will continue my musical path, but i think exam techniques may be too much for my aging fingers....my one goalpost is reached, and my childhood dream fulfilled.

and on another positive note, strangely, i am coping rather well with the tcm course. despite a major setback of being ill, that stretch nearly 4 weeks, i am finally leaving the cough behind, and am also doing well in assessments.

but i have to admit, i find it hard to take consolation insofar as i cant get through this writing. Its not the accreditation of getting a masters. what does that mean at all? But its starting a meaningful task and not being able to bring it to birth. Its not in an inchoate form, but it may be stillborn.....and that is very very distressing....

now, i am getting back, and hope, somehow, somehow, will make some small progress, with some small section....sigh...

sentiments...

days seem to pass so fast when there are goalposts....i think this is the main difference between the second half of this year and the earlier half. Somehow in no time, a week passed....

Still recovering from the downturn 3 weeks ago.... energy is much reduced....have slowed down pace of things. I have learnt to really cut down obligations when in the past, I would always accommodate. It is not so easy to get back to norm, and really at the end of the day, one has to take responsibility for oneself. Sometimes one does wonder what 'take care' means. I say that often too.....to me, I would have wanted to take care of the other party, but not being able to, I could only ask them to 'take care'. It does carry some warmth....but sometimes, it can be an ironic statement.

Nevertheless, whatever the sapping of physical energy, my mental state remains as alert. :)  This morning, I sat for the first tcm exam, and it wasnt too bad. Probably wont say the same for Friday's paper. But still, it is quite an achievement because apart from the huge  handicap of language (half my coursemates are China Chinese which made the handicap even wider!) and time commitment in other aspects, being ill for 2-3 weeks definitely didnt help, and i really thought i should quit. But thus far, I think I should make it through, and hopefully to the next sem.

So, I am rewarding myself with some time here.

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Teacher Day's Week

With the change of T's day to the first friday of September, there is hence no specified day so to speak. And those in the earlier school period still remember it as 1 September. So this day began with greetings from 30 August right up to 7 September.

I must be getting old, and feeling old. I never used to bother about such days. But now, it is nice to be remembered. The fact that people care enough to send greetings is really touching. Honestly in school, it can be meaningless, because it is an 'enforced' celebration. But out of school, that is really different.

One category of greetings is very special to me ~ coming from young teachers. More than anything else, I had wanted to impact young teachers to pass on my love of teaching. But I realised it is not as easy as I had thought. So having 3 such special mentees, I am touched. Very.

And a greeting from an former vice-principal who has not failed over the last 4 years to send his greeting. You can be in high places, and yet be so humble to those lesser than you. I really appreciate the thought.

And the kids whether from lat 1980s to 1990s (another 94 kid found me!) to those from blss, from jwss especially, and to the present, yes, all means alot to me.

Somehow the 2011 batch of students remain always special. I have to admit that whilst the present social media allows easy access and communication, I sometimes wish they didnt use that means to drop thoughtful notes... How can I keep them? Age makes one sentimental....

This is not to say that those who didnt drop greeting didnt care. I know many do. And they show in other ways. It doesnt matter actually because if it is in the heart, expressed or not, it is still in the heart. I understand that.

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To be honest, I was surprised that with their visit for this occasion. I suppose it is because Gerlynn would be leaving for Uk soon again. I had initially intended to invite them over in July/August but a series of happenings render it not a good idea.

When GY asked, and she always asked way in advance, I did think, perhaps not. But, i guess, i always worry there may not be another occasion, and when there is an occasion, i try always not to miss it. So, in the end, that was set.

Yes, as always it is always nice to see them. Very nice. And somehow, there is no awkwardness, the same feel, the same bond. Actually, if one were really to 'analyse', we did nothing 'meaningful'. They are a bunch of 'grown up' ungrown kids. A paradox. They are happy with food and puzzles, and games, and talking over nothing. But they are happy. That is their trademark. Not happy as in that kind of empty joy. Or happy like over the moon. But they are just happy to be in the company of people they are used to, and whom they dont have to worry about who think what of who etc. They fall into cliques of sorts, but somehow, they just have some kind of bond. Its the contentment kind of happy.

I was surprised that 15 turned up. I thought it would be about 10. It could have been 19, had circumstances allow. I would wish that it would be possible to have all 23 together one day. Rather hard, with two definitely abroad, and may not return to Singapore, since they are not local. Whether they are absent or present, I think of them.

Bonds are just bonds. There is no need for deep thought,no need for caring words. It is just bonds. How do you describe that? How was it develop? I really dont know. Its just something that clicks. No reason. There had been good and bad times, but somehow with time, bonds can overcome differences.

Sometimes it is just timing also. If they werent my first batch of kids that determine my return to teaching, would they have been so special? Whatever, it takes two to clap. I hope just as I always feel I am so lucky to have them, that they feel the same as well.

I guess when I see my kids from more than 25 years ago, I must say, I wonder how many years of 'reunion' do we have? But that doesnt matter. Cherish the present.

I was too tired actually to 'enjoy' the visit as it is. But just seeing them being at home with one another is enough for me.

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There are as always more thoughts than my words could be down. I just want to conserve energy, first to get out of this low bout, get the things that need to be done, done first, and then, seriously,  put the plenitude of thoughts to words....

The present mode is: conserve energy! :) Hopefully should write again after the next paper....by then, I would have attended scy award presentation....that is another world of thoughts....

of reunion and bonds from the past....

when i was in my twenties and thirties, i couldnt care less about reunions. what for?

honestly, i would still say, i am not a 'reunion' kind of person. i did attend my own school jc reunion 2 years ago, persuaded by kuech, cl and mag. It was good to meet up with a few good friends, but otherwise, i am never at home in a crowd.

i admit i was glad to hear of the reunion of the 1993 kids, and i was invited to attend. There had been some reunions that i didnt get to hear of. Twenty years. A long time. No, i didnt remember all the kids. But i remembered that year so well. It was the year, i started collecting shells....waiting, and waiting...for a way out of the tunnel, and that tunnel lasted ten years.

I didnt teach well....But i was diligent and conscientious, and did my best to support all my kids, though i cant say i handled things as well as i could. That year, i remembered the captain of the basketball team was the prefect in my class, a left hander. We played the crucial match against rgs, and the teachers went down to support. The captain was constantly being 'attacked', but she kept her cool, and that helped us clinch a one-point victory against a formidable team. I never forgot that feeling of jubilation. It was one of those moments that went into a special place in the memory. The 'kids' are most of them mothers with daughters in the school now. Yes, they have all grown up!

It was lovely to see former colleagues, and most of all, Ms Heng, which is the primary reason why I went. I really wanted to see her and to see her well was really good. Everyone greeted everyone with a warm hug. I joined them in 1991 and left 2000, so really it is really a 20+ year bond. I was touched that I was still well remembered and there were many kind thoughts.

Of course I know alot is emotional bonds. Age makes all bonds seem more than it was when we were actually together. Time itself is a strong adhesion, or so it should be. But not always.....

 But yes, in this case, there is alot of emotional bonds. This is the place that I fell in love with teaching. I had been determined to leave the job. But in this school, where I was given the space to develop my own teaching approach, I really love to teach, and it was here that I realise teaching is really in my blood.

It is not to say there werent conflicts. There were plenty. But, like a family, held by a principal that was so magnanimous and whose heart for the welfare of the kids can move one to tears, one learned to give and take.  Yes, remember only the good....

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Earlier this year, I met a ex student from the 1991 batch twice, and yes, my fault, i still havent arranged to meet her for a chat. She was another of those special kids....won the MOE piano competition, and pursued a muscial career....

And then the contact with a 1988 ex student recently via this blog, was really gratifying to me....and she is now a social worker...good, caring for others... a very lovely kid that i remember so well....

yesterday, had a good fb chat with an 1987 ex student now in New Zealand...,,very daughterly...

And today, receiving an invite from scy from 1994 to attend a prize award ceremony of one of her works...she said, she could invite 10 guests and she wanted to invite those that had to do with what she is in her life now....yes I am touched. How not to be? I saw the girl grew, and flap her wings and took flight far beyond.....

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i never cared much about teachers day....but when you are no longer in the scene, and kids remember to wish you....yes, that is special. I guess like a family, the youngest children are always the ones that are special...so yes, my recent kids that have not grown, yes, they are very special.

And most special of all, i got a very lovely card, from my most special kid!

In many ways, i dont feel good.... and Brownee is not well again....i worry that she may not be with me for long....

 So having all these lovely contacts and good wishes, it is really heartwarming. I feel somehow I have not lived in vain.