Should. Would. Must

I have not written for more than two months. Now reading my last post, I must say I am struck by the strength and clarity of the writing then. I would that this clarity of frame be present always.

September came and went. The blood test indicated things as at present was back to norm. But the lack of optimism or care of the doc was dampening. As far as he is concerned, that was to be expected. Even with chemo, 30% recur within 6 months to 3 years. There is no statistics for my case and since I have decided, he would not persuade otherwise. Of course I more or less knew. Even then, the factual representation struck one cold within. Is this medical care? Not even an enquiry of well-being.The whole 'review' was the announcement of the singular blood test result. I actually enquired if there was any support group. Yes. Pause. Then a response that someone would get in touch with me then. In any case, over the time, after acquainting myself with possibilities of some form of support, including attending a talk at Jem, I concluded, no, I do not fit in. I did try.

Started spiralling down down from SB's visit in Oct, a period, flu, discomfort, and B and T took in turn also to be down. Sleep was a mess again, and that dark tunnelling mode dominated. It was until that pressure in the throat was more prominent that I remembered that my other condition, thyroid could have been playing up, and still is. I have no idea at this point, whether any discomfort is due to thyroid, depression or recurrence. Its a case of judgement, and awaiting till the next blood test. Even then, the lack of indicator does not necessarily mean otherwise. Thankfully, tcm treatment does mitigate and one can still carry on. Have picked up again the walk with exercises this past week, after nearly two weeks of stagnancy and regression. The realities of finiteness can be gripping

It has been a time of adjustments. in food, routine or rather non-routine, and communication or lack thereof. I feel deeply. Always did. The things that mattered, does it matter, when time is no more? In all things, I only want to count my blessings and look at the silver lining.  I am grateful that Kuech has been a great support in her casual way of managing to get me out almost once a week. Her company has always been easy, and her pragmatism definitely helpful. I am very touched by her thoughtfulness. Yes, I do not know how to ask, nor can I ask. Her kindness and consideration is so understated.  I was also grateful to have a heart to heart talk with Elaine last week. J and K fortnightly visits are also much appreciated. The aloneness has been harder to take than before. Could be the weather as well. The chats with st now and then has also been another lifeline. st had earlier said i should be doing things I like with people I want. It doesnt work that way.  Somehow I dont fit in most of the time. Apart from that, I am ever so conscious of being a weight on the shoulders of others. I have borne weight most of my life. I know what that feels. I do not want to be so to the few that had been so good to me already. But, I did start doing a few things that I had liked....jigsaw puzzles, cross-stitch, some art work again....I realised that for me, the things I liked are all childhood related. The things I wished I could do, the things I could not do. Some of the scenes of childhood became more deeply etched. And its quite sad.

I have not started writing as I had said I should or I would. I should start. I must start.