Last day of 2011

Overall, to say it has not been a bad year is an understatement. Really, to be fair, it has been a good year. Especially in relation to the years I had left behind.

In terms of work, if I was to see it wrt teaching per se, this year was closest to 2008, and really one of my best teaching years. Although, I still think I should and could have done better in delivery. The kids deserved alot more credit than I.

In terms of personal accomplishment, taking on the Masters has been a real enrichment and added a dimension to my personal development. Having good lecturers and coursemates also enhanced learning.

Healthwise, this past month, recovering from the interminable headaches, having only 6 out of 31 days is a big plus plus.

Moving to dakota, and sharing a little of the family life of sk, from time to time, is another consolation.

Friends ~ I would say, there are alot more gains than losses. It is not that I dont mind the loss, I do. But, it takes 2 hands to clap. Especially stepping into the relative unknown, you know who are walking with you. And I am grateful. And for the many wonderful colleagues with touches of kindness, I will never forget.

With ky and ls, it has been a very hard year. At least for the moment, there is calmness. I hope, the bond will hold to then end. That, I will give my utmost to maintain.

Opportunities have been much more than expected. And more diverse. Material wise, it may seem a huge loss, but by whose valuation?
--------------------------------------------------------------2011 began with end of rv, but the beginning of dakota; end of nush, but not the end to dreams, ideals and teaching.

2011 ~ no great highs, but also no deep troughs. Despite the finality, there is a tranquility.

So really, it is a good year.

If I was to state what is my best achievement for 2011, I would say keeping bonds, friends(and that include my 'grown' 403s and the many special students)

If I was to list people I would specially thank, then here are my list: ld, vl, sy, dc, ncl, kyc, pc, ws, tk, pl, el, kuech. The extra mile they have gone to stand by; the patience and true friendship have made 2011 a good year. Thank you very much.

Good Bye 2011

天下无不散之筵席

yes, it is finally over. at least at this point.
for one moment, I thought I was going to crack when tsc hugged me goodbye. But i managed to hold back.

i knew it would be hard. And so it was. Thankfully, sy's timely visit helped. I was accompanied the whole day. had lunch with a large group, but i didnt enjoy that.

when I finally drove out.... that was a horrible moment.... ld, vl, sy accompanied me for ice cream and they stayed with me and chatted and took dinner together. This was the first team of people I had worked with at the start four years ago. Minus one. So we have come a long way together, and have build a strong bond. And all 4 of us are moving in different directions. But becos we were bonded by values with kindness and respect almost like a family, i didnt feel any loss about them, which really helps alot.

Though I will miss the warmth especially at my lorong, and the special sharing with ld most, it is not missing the people that hurts. Many have become from colleagues to firm friends. In that sense, with quite a few of them, it is not a goodbye, with so many means of contact. The next 2 days alone, there will be gatherings of 2 different groups and it is nice. I half wonder if sy has timed his 'need' to be here to settle things at this time to help me tide through. Whatever it is, i really appreciate it.

It was not my intention to make this decision at the start of the year. But that it was made, I abided by it. The price is high, but I was aware of it.

whatever that led to this decision is not the point. I need to find myself, and my direction.

Would I return? I may, and am grateful that the door is opened for me to do so. That also helped. If I am certain the contribution is positive. I may.

For the moment, I need to.... recover. And move on....

Sad, but i know it could be worse.... and it had been much much worse.

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there is something abt chinese sayings.... very perceptive

路遥知马力， 日久见人心。

马善被人骑， 人善被人欺。

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brownee is sick... sigh....

3 days to the end of 2011...

In many ways, i dont know what to feel. Yet in many ways i have no feel.

2011 has been an unusual year.

This is the year I finally left my baggage behind. Not just rv with mum. But rv with a group that i had given the most i have ever given anyone.

This is the year I started afresh with dakota. T n B, I am sure, like dakota much better. And so do I. This is the year, I settled all mum's affairs.

This is the year I embarked finally on my masters. yes, i have always been academically inclined. But life has taught me to be practical. Meeting my lecturer tomorrow. Whether I will embark on the dissertation route remains to be seen. In stepping out of nush, i have actually also obstructed my own way. Good friends had advised me to stay for the dissertation sake. But I felt, well, let me venture out. At most, I dont complete my Masters. That is the bottom line. I was prepared to pay that price. I will seek other avenues. We will see.

This is the year I finally end my journey with nush. Yes, 很多遗憾。But i still say, it is necessary. And in this place, I have made many wonderful friends that have really made alot of difference to me. And though some of us have left or are leaving, we have maintained our friendship.

I have always told my kids, the value of your person is in yourself. Not in marks, grades, status, position. It is not easy to say that. Harder to believe it. At this time, when I am technically 'jobless', it is hard also for me to believe in myself. I almost wonder if it is a dream that I can teach. True, I have teaching tasks awaiting me, but they are temporary posts, almost akin to relief teaching. I got my timetable today. And for some moments, I wavered. Will I be able to deliver? I dont know. But I will know.

The ironic thing is the course I am pursuing, Gifted Education is the other spectrum of the place i am teaching. I feel for both ends of the spectrum. I followed all the comments in the article that stuart recommended in fb. People dont understand Gifted Education.

GE is not elite. It really is not. There are some minds that are attuned in a different way and they really need to be with their own to florish. To subject them to the same curriculum is not good for their development. That is not elite. But to lavish them with material enticements and glorious recognition is elitism.

But it is true that the mainstream has so little. And I feel very sorry for the kids who need so much but are given so little. What should one do in the end?

I dont know which path I would ultimately take. I cant take systems, and hence will never be a permanent mainstream teacher because i cant stand the bureaucracy and expected conformity. I didnt subscribe when I was young. I will not at this age.

My academic training is in the other end of the spectrum. Mainly because, I am a thinker. Not an achiever. A thinker. In the acronym PATH, at least I fulfilled 3 of the symbolic representations. Actually, they are not compatible. Achievers are the ones that are extoled. Thinkers are the one that torment themselves. Pioneers may not see the end. And true humanistarian is often obscured. Ironic. Life is ironic.

So 2012 will be a year I will need to find myself, and find my direction....

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on a sidenote, sy is coming to spore and will be putting up at my place. Good timing. This will help defray and distract from that finality when i drive out of nush come 30 dec 2011.

Yes my heart aches... badly. I have put my heart and soul in the pioneering work. Four long years.

So yes, it pains....sometimes a dull ache...sometimes really very very sad....

i suddenly dont feel like teaching anymore. cant remember feeling like that before. or maybe i had. in the drying up process these past weeks, alot withered.

i know it is ironic. i dont want to teach just for exams. but who really wants teaching mainly for values anyway?

o well.

by this time next year, we will know if this is just momentary...

Results

After every module, I would figure out a range of 3 grades (high, mid, low) I could get. In the first sem, for the first 2 modules, i hit the mid-grade of my expectations for both. That was ok, after all, I have no idea whatsoever of the standard. For the second sem, I did 4 modules, so that was quite challenging.

Checked my result at 0810, and yes, it is finally out. For 2 modules, i got the high expected grade, and for 2 modules, I got the low expected grade. I have to say, I was disappointed. Quite. I guess, because I put in alot more effort for the ones I didnt do as well.

The irony is, for the one that I got the 'high' grade with the exam component, I was so busy with marking exam papers etc and other stuff in school, honestly i hardly studied. And i did not do well for the quiz, so I kind of just try to get by, hoping I would not hit the grade with the same pronunciation as my name. To get the 'high' grade, I would need to score almost full marks. I really didnt expect to get it so really i should be happy. Somehow, I cant say I am. Sigh, this is really an anticlimax.

When there are 'good' news and 'bad' news, the impact of the 'bad' always over-rides the 'good'. Or is it me? I guess, how one feels is proportionate to how much heart one puts in, and the corresponding expectations.

Its not to say, I hadnt done fairly ok. Cap is still above 4, which is supposed to be good for post-grad, not to say, i have not studied for more than 2 decades and managing four modules amidst teaching is really a feat.

But, I am still very disappointed.

There is a very remote possibility of pursuing an academic path. This somehow make me feel, perhaps, I am really not cut out for academics.

O well..... sigh!

No Reflections....

i wonder if this reflection drought is due to the drying up of the brain; no event or mundaneness.

somehow i seemed very busy, but i didnt get alot of things done. So there is ALOT to do now. And i would need to complete them, as the year comes to a close soon. At the moment, i am just feeling placid. Good or bad i dont know.

To say, i wont miss being at nush (when 2012 steps in) would be impossible. But seriously, when i see the list of things that had to be done for the year ahead had i stayed, I must say, I am very glad, very very glad, not to be caught in the endless pile of things to do.

The kids started a facebook for me, becos I wanted to keep in touch with the other kids, actually this batch of year 3s. Year sixes and i have a bond that is just there. In a way, i wondered if i should have started it. i find facebook rather like a 'social gathering', and well, really, not me. But, it gives me a peek to know what the kids are doing, so, well, i guess, that serves its purpose. Here, i am myself.

On a positive note, i have been more observant of my diet. Ever since the kids came, I have made some attempt to have more home cooked meals, taking more salad and fruits. Partly also cos tk 'nags' in his way. That in itself can keep one rather busy, more marketing and shopping for groceries, preparation, and effort. Have also done more walks, including a 5 hour tree top walk on sat. Headaches did reduce significantly, just to about a third, which is good. And each week, there are different people to catch up, and again that is interesting.

there are people you enjoy the company, cant explain why. there are people who are really very nice, but somehow, you are glad the company is just one-off. again, cant explain why.

have also been seeing young people of different categories. i must say, i am glad, i am no longer young. i dont ever want to go thru the conflicts, decisions, considerations.... actually in overthinking, over-considering, i have made many unwise decisions. Met up with a young lady today, ex student. whilst i understood alot of what she was saying and could see where she could be heading, which is not what i would wish for her ~ wisdom avoids prescriptions, though, perspectives were given. I thought of the couple that dropped by 2 days ago, and we talked till 1am. You can only share, and hope each find their way to establish themselves, be happy, and in turn contribute for the generation after them.
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Finally, as it always has been, somehow, it is always alone again. Naturally. Do I mind? Not really. I am content. I only want placidness. I dare not have more. It would mean more to lose.

I thought of that question that bernard asked that day.... i guess the answer would differ from time to time, from person to person, from circumstance to circumstance.

at the moment, i just feel quite dried up. And not particularly looking forward to the year ahead either. Still waiting for my results....

The Perils of Wilful Blindness

I have always wondered how people can blindly obey commands when they should/could see that things are not what it should be. Nothing can be explained by one reason, witness the horror of the holocaust. Or even as simple as the Emperor's best clothes fable. Fable or not, the fact is, some things are obviously not right, yet no one questions or at least raise issues.( I dont mean that kind of online ranting)

Reading this article extracted from Review section in Straits Times today helped give some perspective.

"...most people, when asked to perform a wholly unethical act, will do so. This is not because they are bad people. Such behaviour, Milgram argued, is inevitable when we join organisations because our focus shifts, from being good people to doing good work. And we see good work as doing what we are told.

We aren't just obedient; we are also highly conformist...... In other words, what we see depedns on what we know others have seen. Seeing is a social act....

.....Most challenging of all is the critical need to celebrate mistakes and value debate. Mistakes are how we learn and cultures which hide them learn nothing. Likewise, the organisation in which there is little debate turns out to be the one where there is little thinking."

Margaret Heffernan====================================
Debate should not be merely a rhetoric of pitting verbose skills or clever manouvering of viewpoints. And true, cultures which hide mistakes learn nothing.

But which culture will admit mistake and learn? And how many leaders can allow and initate debate?

And is conformism so inevitable as stated by Milgram? It depends on what one values....

Breaking Inertia

Cooking

Over the last 11 months, though I keep saying I would start cooking, it never happened. The first person that actually made use of my kitchen was Junyan. That was the start of moving the inertia.

I knew when the 403s come, I could have opted for ordering food in. It is more than 2 years since I really cooked. The inertia was great, but the incentive was greater. I decided to cook. There was alot more work than I could manage. I have certainly slowed down. Age. Sigh. But I still got a few decent dishes out, especially the curry. Nothing makes me happier than to hear, this taste like home-cooked curry. And so it did.

I must get back into form with cooking. sk and zl were looking forward to it. It isnt just cooking, its the marketing, planning, and most of all, it is the remembrance of what makes mum's home a home, her cooking.

Frankly, it didnt turn out the way i wanted ie i had hoped, i could get the whole range of food out like buffet. but alas, my back was breaking, and it was easier to cancel a couple of dishes, and relied on the grill and self-cook stuff.

conversations are as usual, hypothetical, comical, and fun.
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Midnight Walk

Finally, 9 camped overnite. Wanted to bring them to see the very nice bridge, but of course, as usual, my sense of direction was iffy. Didnt take the path I wanted, and well, in the end, we took a long time to reach the bridge. But it was a very nice midnight walk.

I had felt bad not knowing where I was heading; but all the kids were very nice about it. Seriously, they are one of the nicest people around. Thinking, yet easy-going; independent in thought, yet, good listeners and very considerate. If these were my kids, i would really be very fortunate. Just having them as ex-students is itself a joy.


I lived 40 years of my life, with 2 persons that are intolerant of errors and weakness. One could call them perfectionist which they were, but actually, what they show are traits of obsessive compulsive disorder (ocd). Things must be done their way. And anything not in line with the way they want, they showed their unhappiness, with little regard to others. Sometimes causing utter misery. What they see as their 'stand'/ 'standard' is actually, selfishness and self-seeking. If I had led them in the wrong path, and took a much longer route, I would have to bear the brunt of vent and tirade.

That is a very long time to be under such a shackle. And it has its impact. I came across another character, not as strong, but with the same tendencies. That brought alot of unpleasant memories. Thankfully, I was able to struggle out of it, and refuse to be a victim of people with ocd, and be bullied by them.

In that sense, I am always worried about making mistakes that affect others, as i was when I realised I didnt know which way to walk. To be assured again and again by the kids, that it was alright even if we didnt reach our destination, that the company was all everyone enjoyed, there was no goal to reach, no need to think too much (though we did need to get back!), made this walk a very pleasant one for me.

No longer under pressure, under bonds, and expectation. And a few of us saw a falling star. It was memorable to me. And I recalled a similar walk at the start of the year. So actually this year, has started in a pleasant way, and looked like, it is heading toward a pleasant end.

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It was a lovely time. The boys will be enlisted soon. And the girls will be going to uni. This is a precious moment before the diverging path. Seriously, I am really fortunate to have met such wonderfully nice kids.

I am glad to have broken that inertia. I used to be very tough on myself. I have since learnt, no need. Only when one is ready, then move on, and forward.

Thanks, kids, for giving me that incentive to. Just by being yourself.

update...

everyday, i managed to settle things bit by bit. Today, returned all nie library bks and paid my fine.

unexpectedly, had a long conversation with xxx. It was a good conversation, and I was gratified. There had been alot of misunderstandings, wrong assumptions that dated as far back as 3 years back. It wasnt that I didnt think of clarifying. I have learnt if the time is not right, whatever said would only be further misunderstood. I had noted a change in tone, and had only intended to just be cordial. So, when the other party had understood on her own the original positive intent that was cast in the 'wrong' light, and acknowledged things positively, I was actually happy. Whilst there was a tinge of , if these entangled mesh had been cleared earlier, would it have been different? I think no, everyone decides on the path they embarked for their own reasons. It could have helped, but that was not the crux.

Suffice for me to have the air cleared, a thing I had given up as being possible. So I was happy. Actually quite happy. Because I had put in alot of heart and care. I didnt expect that it would be remembered and appreciated.

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Had been planning what to cook for the kids coming on fri. Drove to cold storage in the evening. This is prob just about 4-5 times I had been to cold storage over the last 2 years. I avoided it. For over ten years, I brought mum every week to do groceries there.

Today for the first time, I could stroll along each aisle, recall and reflect. I cant describe the tranquility. I could face it finally.

I hadnt cook properly for 2 years. I know I am beginning to walk out of the tunnel, not by avoiding, but by facing it. Time really does heal.

Hadnt cook for so long, i am not sure what it would be like. But, i am excited! 14 of them! :)

I dont know what each day may bring, but i know the blessing of each day must not be taken for granted.

Random ~ Oxymorons

Circle Line
Lined Circle?

Deafening Silence
Silent Roar

Bitter Sweet
Sweet Bitterness

Idle Business
Busy Idling

Smart fool
Foolish smartness?

Unknown fame
Famous Unknown?

polite audacity
audacious politeness

young aged
aged youth

open secret
secretly open

advanced retreat
Retreating advance

ok ten pairs are enough.

Have moved back 95% of stuff. Would need a few days to clear the remaining in school to respective persons, and then, that is the end of one phase.

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As for what is ahead:

If i didnt do anything much for next year, except to teach the less privileged kids, that would have been sufficient for me. I remembered very vividly when cecilia's death hit me in june, I asked myself, if that was me, what was left that i would have felt I should have done.

I didnt want to take risk waiting for some more years. who knows how many days one has?

Completing the masters would be a bonus.

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things are not good at some fronts. ls needs eye op next feb. She has only 30% sight left. So the stakes are high. And her sis is in final stage in ca. And ky is not out of the deeps.

talked openly to both of them. I just want to live each day meaningfully. Whether in life, in death, to live unto God. I can make as much provision as i can for them, and will definitely do so. But in the end, everyone has to bear their own burden. Each of us must know whom we have believe.

whether i feel sad or not is not the point. One must live with purposefulness of heart for others.

yes, i feel very sad. Alot to say, but best left unsaid.

There is Hope. Faith. And Love. Charity never faileth

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busy week ahead. And looking forward to the kids visit end of the week. hard not to smile just to think of them. :)

goodbyes by phases...

i knew it wont be easy, though i have to say, it had not hit as hard as i had feared. at least not so far.

partly becos, it really is the time.

the diffusion of the goodbyes by stages had helped. But mainly becos, i have had so many good and lovely memories. The kids goodbyes were in two phases, year 3s then the natural graduation of year 6s.

the past 2 weeks, had many good heart to heart chats with some close colleagues. With a few, it was wordless. The mutual understanding need not be spoken. To say, there is no impact both ways would be an untruth. I know it did upset a few though they knew it was inevitable. And the ways they expressed their comradeship, buddiness, neighbourliness are very sweet and warm.

Received a card from an unexpected source with this quote from Mother Teresa which I thought was really meaningful:

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

Mother Teresa

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have moved back perhaps a third of my things. To mitigate that feeling of 'loss' which is inevitable, we meet up abit more often now, and will try to keep in touch, to assure continuity of friendship.

I have truly been very blessed to have receive so much warmth, sincerity, and friendship. Goodbyes are inevitable, but to feel loved and cared for by those you value, i just feel blessed. I am counting blessings, and am grateful for every kindness and support. Thank you.

December

Today, finally, I closed all mum's matters. I should have completed them earlier. It wasnt that bad. But I just wasnt ready. Took S1 along so that well, there was a witness.

Alot of thoughts passed through my mind as I drove. If I could turn back the clock again, I would have done all I had for them, and much, much more. Particularly for dad. I wondered vaguely whether all these subconscious thoughts would appear in dreams, as it had.

But I told myself, must be positive and move on.

When we passed rv, we saw the erection of tent for funeral parlour. It was the passing of the neighbour's father - the last of that first generation of occupants. After we completed the tasks, S1 and I dropped by to pay our respects. rv is getting really run down. Quite a few owners had sold like me. The enbloc didnt take off. The sold units were rented mainly to foreigners. I heard at nite, there can be 30 bicycles parked there. Yes, I remembered the perpetual parking problem. Am glad to be out of that situation. I had to give in to so many people because having brought up there, I didnt want to break 'harmony'. When you consider for others, it always means you are at the losing end. I really was glad to get out of the place. It really was getting unsavoury.

The neighbour said I just disappeared, and never came back.

There is a song "Memories" from the show "The way we were" sung by Babara Streisland (i think), and the last line was

"Whats too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget".

Sometimes, that is necessary.

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Actually for the past 2 weeks and up to next week, practically every day, I met up with one or another among my friends, colleagues and students. Today, its el. She is keeping busy with varied teaching tasks. I have to admit, that is not what I would want. I would need to seriously consider....

Monday, I finally took a walk with kuech at macrirchie. I didnt realise it was so near to marymount station. It was a good walk. kuech said i was fit, cos the others she walked with gave up half-way and never came back again save claire. And she didnt slow down for me, so I am fit! Next week, 3 of us will walk again. Something nice for childhood/teenage friends to be together at this point of our life.

gratifying to be in touch with people i knew from a kiddie in primary school to secondary, jc, uni, and also students, and colleagues through the 5 schools I taught. Very gratifying.

there is one conspicuous gap though.... will that ever be breached?

whatever.

i can only wait....

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alot alot more matters yet to complete, must do so.