3 days to the end of 2011...

In many ways, i dont know what to feel. Yet in many ways i have no feel.

2011 has been an unusual year.

This is the year I finally left my baggage behind. Not just rv with mum. But rv with a group that i had given the most i have ever given anyone.

This is the year I started afresh with dakota. T n B, I am sure, like dakota much better. And so do I. This is the year, I settled all mum's affairs.

This is the year I embarked finally on my masters. yes, i have always been academically inclined. But life has taught me to be practical. Meeting my lecturer tomorrow. Whether I will embark on the dissertation route remains to be seen. In stepping out of nush, i have actually also obstructed my own way. Good friends had advised me to stay for the dissertation sake. But I felt, well, let me venture out. At most, I dont complete my Masters. That is the bottom line. I was prepared to pay that price. I will seek other avenues. We will see.

This is the year I finally end my journey with nush. Yes, 很多遗憾。But i still say, it is necessary. And in this place, I have made many wonderful friends that have really made alot of difference to me. And though some of us have left or are leaving, we have maintained our friendship.

I have always told my kids, the value of your person is in yourself. Not in marks, grades, status, position. It is not easy to say that. Harder to believe it. At this time, when I am technically 'jobless', it is hard also for me to believe in myself. I almost wonder if it is a dream that I can teach. True, I have teaching tasks awaiting me, but they are temporary posts, almost akin to relief teaching. I got my timetable today. And for some moments, I wavered. Will I be able to deliver? I dont know. But I will know.

The ironic thing is the course I am pursuing, Gifted Education is the other spectrum of the place i am teaching. I feel for both ends of the spectrum. I followed all the comments in the article that stuart recommended in fb. People dont understand Gifted Education.

GE is not elite. It really is not. There are some minds that are attuned in a different way and they really need to be with their own to florish. To subject them to the same curriculum is not good for their development. That is not elite. But to lavish them with material enticements and glorious recognition is elitism.

But it is true that the mainstream has so little. And I feel very sorry for the kids who need so much but are given so little. What should one do in the end?

I dont know which path I would ultimately take. I cant take systems, and hence will never be a permanent mainstream teacher because i cant stand the bureaucracy and expected conformity. I didnt subscribe when I was young. I will not at this age.

My academic training is in the other end of the spectrum. Mainly because, I am a thinker. Not an achiever. A thinker. In the acronym PATH, at least I fulfilled 3 of the symbolic representations. Actually, they are not compatible. Achievers are the ones that are extoled. Thinkers are the one that torment themselves. Pioneers may not see the end. And true humanistarian is often obscured. Ironic. Life is ironic.

So 2012 will be a year I will need to find myself, and find my direction....

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on a sidenote, sy is coming to spore and will be putting up at my place. Good timing. This will help defray and distract from that finality when i drive out of nush come 30 dec 2011.

Yes my heart aches... badly. I have put my heart and soul in the pioneering work. Four long years.

So yes, it pains....sometimes a dull ache...sometimes really very very sad....