Miscellaneous thoughts...

Was having a text conversation with kyc just now, and she said many boys going into ns this week. True....i guess abit of maternal concerns...

Going to ns is quite an 'event' . I remembered when my batch of peers went, (and those were really hard days!), yes, i was worried for friends that were close. In those days, you can 'see them off'. I didnt. But i was worried.

After that it was a non-event. Teaching girls, the event never occur. And when i taught in a mixed/all boys sch, by the time students go in, they are quite distant, after jc or poly and not in close contact. Until nephews went in. For zg, there was anxiety when health problem surfaced for awhile.

This is the first batch of my own kids going in. I look forward to 2 years later, writing about their ord. Well, boys have to grow to be men. And this is one of the process. Ok, whatever shadowy anxiety, it is a phase that has to be borne. The kids are mostly fit, sensible, and should come through well. One or two may have a little dificulty 'fitting in', but then that is life. It is a learning process.

And it is still not being thrown into society to fend for yourself. It is a training institution that will also account for their welfare. So mustnt worry. As st says... it should be ok de. Ya, it should.

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yesterday was quite an event.... more than 60 kids were here! Didnt expect it actually. I thought about 30-40, so should be manageable. But to start with, i was tired. And my place was actually a huge mess. Just clearing it (actually hiding it is more accurate) over the week was sufficient to wear me out. Thankfully Patrick came in to help with getting miscellaneous.

I was really happy to see every one, and also thought of those I didnt see. Of course, it was impossible to have any conversation of depth, but it still provided that touch, that contact. I cant say if it was because i had left nush, or because of what had taken place, or its me always being sentimental, but the kids epecially these 2 special batches somehow mean alot to me.

Conversations with the older kids are always more of depth. Of cos 09403 people are always special. But I was glad to see the others as well, whether i had taught them actually or not is not important. It is just nice to see them growing up. Some people say the growing phases of babies, and toddlers are phases not to be missed. Personally, i am not a baby person. I find it gratifying to see the growing phases from adolescence to gradual adulthood. But it also means seeing and sharing their ups and downs....

and another unusual thing, i actually enjoy writing the letter of reference for each of them... it is like documenting their growth and being proud of telling others how good my kids are! :) Ya, i think i am not quite normal....

the last group left at 2310pm. I was sorry when each of them left. I guess I was wondering when will i see them again. It was easy when all was in school.


Still, it was a treat to me, seeing them here, and hopefully, most are happy. Yes, Louisa May Alcott Jo's Boys came to mind again. I remembered when I read it at 14(?), I did identify with her, and her boys. So, in some ways, part of a dream fulfilled.

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the next 6 weeks is going to be unmitigating hard work. I have lost momentum, especially in my own dissertation. Sigh!

At the moment, there is a sense of mission, to help the kids believe in themselves, and be willing to work hard to attain to a higher platform of growth. I would need stamina to last out. In some ways, it is more difficult than blss cos there are more students here. Whilst i think, some have been motivated, whether they can sustain, and have enough determination and perseverance would be the crux. I hope 9 months from now, I will see what i wish to see for each of them....

=================================at the same time, i also realise, with age catching up, this may not be sustainable for me.....

ss called me just now, and suggested we have a talk in june over plans next year. i said, i wouldnt know by then. I really wouldnt.

I know i need not 'look for direction' anymore cos i only need to enjoy what i am doing. On the other hand, i would still wish to optimise effort....for the next generation.So what next year? dont know. Only the first month of this year and already 3 persons have raised possibilities of the paths next year.... I know what i wont want is to 'just make a living'. So unlikely to continue on with ss actually....

follow heart? follow mind? follow what? ......sigh....

Deep calleth unto deep....

In remembrance

失去和拥有刹那的感动

人生有时候像一场梦

醒着的时候睁开了双眸

不如意的很多....

This is part of the lyrics from Joi Chua. I like her voice and I like most of her songs. Not that I had paid attention to the new generation of singers. But when i was teaching at blss, each time I passed the mrt, there will be a cd shop that played their music loud... and her voice and songs caught my attention. Ld got me 3 of her cds for my birthday this year...the lyrics captured alot of passing mements of life...

By now, I almost dread cny. First of all, with mum gone, cny has no meaning to me. Dad and mum both passed on just before cny. Last year, there was a bereavement at cny, though it did not directly affect me.

This year....the events that had taken place, which marked anxiety from the start till the end...had weighed heavily. Everything else that had taken place sunk into insignificance...



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The last 3 weeks of 2012 have been like a long journey. I cant say it is a roller coaster ride, because it isnt. Its like walking through a valley... at the end of each week of 2012, i had a heavy heart...And week 3 of 2012 ... that which was dreaded, became reality ....

Among the many, many thoughts, pain, reflections...one consideration stood out: the immense responsibility of being an adult, ie a responsible one. What to say, how much to say;being positive and cheerful when one's perception tells one otherwise; consideration for kids takes precedence over whatever personal turmoil one may have. And i agree that it is only right to do so.

Yet, when all alone, in that inwardness and multitudes of tumultousness, I realised I seem quite alone, in the way I think and feel. Against the backdrop of a festive period, grief has to be so muted.

I am strong in rationalisation, and that is a great strength.
But alot of things sometimes cant be rationalised. And shouldnt be.

Humanity ie being human, in the full capacity of mind and heart cannot be rationalised. That would be self-delusion.

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At this moment, i just want to have that small space, to be abit of myself.

I am writing this in remembrance, now that there is a quietude.......I feel the painful loss within my soul. I wished... I wished for alot that I cant do anymore.

I am sorry. Very Very sorry.

In remembrance...I just want to say, I do care...I really do....

Four Day Week

The advantages about working four-day week is:

1) When you reach Wed, you tell yourself one more day to complete work for the week. Phew.

2) You relax on thursday evening, telling everyone, you dont work on friday (actually not true, but yet true).

3) You can get up abit later, and dont worry about reporting for work.

4) You can eat breakfast more leisurely with TnB sitting on the breakfast table looking at you.

5) You can catch up last minute work (ie the only time you work at the course) before facing your lecturers later.

6) And you are still 2 days away from starting another work week, so you can keep your mind blank about work.

Disadvantage

PAY CUT!!!

i dont know how i get so busy and tied down everyday. Am getting tired and yes, fedup with myself. For being so obliging, and not being able to say No when I really want not to work so hard.

The only consolation is, I definitely still have that magic touch in teaching. Only eleven days of teaching, to be precise. And I think the groundwork has been done, for most, if not all of them. I didnt expect that actually. I thought it would need at least a month.

The greatest motivation is to get them to believe in themselves, that they can do it. They need to be encouraged, to see the best in themselves, and not give up. And when they begin to see it, and taste success, and believe that with hard work, they can, then the drive comes from within themselves. Thats what that is meaningful. It is quite sad to hear how they had felt defeated since a kid.

The more the kids respond, and begin to work hard, the harder I have got to work. Three afternoons of remedials weekly. Sigh! I realised, energy level is really not the same. And i have so little time left for myself. :( Am really very tired.

But, i have to admit, it is gratifying. Very.

Not a good day. Hate having to drive from one end to another. Today, I took all the expressways I have never driven before: KJE, SLE, TPE, BKE....and those I had, PIE, KPE. Sigh, I dont like driving much.

Was really stressed and wished I wont be so obliging....came back, open the letter box, and there was one for me. From NIE.

YES! My dissertation proposal is approved! Within less than a week! Actually, the letter was dated 3 days after I submitted. That was really unexpected. I remembered the kids saying NTU replies so much faster than the other local unis. I must say I am impressed. Now one more admin hurdle, with MOE, then I can start the data collection.

And the deadline for completion? June 2014!

The problem with dissertation is, it is an arduous journey. Had I done by course work, I woud have completed this sem. It would be the easy way out. But, both lecturers who value education process felt I should embarked on the proper research journey. The fastest I can complete is within a year, if there are no hitches, and I read and worked very hard. I am going to do that. :)

End of Week 2 in 2012

Wrote a very long post yesterday, but decided to un-publish it. Too long a discourse over abstract ideas.

Actually, things are fairly pleasant. The transition has been much smoother than I expected. And, though I am really kept busy, the stress is totally different. In fact, quite refreshing. And positive. It always feel good to be able to reach out to students, and hopefully helped them reach their potential.

For Masters course, only 2 more modules, one on Friday night, and another in the June break. With only one evening lesson, that also reduced stress immensely. I will miss the classes when it end by March. It has been a very good learning process and interaction. Meantime, I have to wait for the administrative process which takes SO LONG, before I can start collecting my research data. Meantime, alot, alot of reading, thinking, reflecting, and writing which I hadnt started.

Have a mac to play with! And with cool software as well! And alot of learning opportunities. Both L and tls really look out for me in this respect, which I really enjoy.

Do I miss nush? Actually, no. Only the kids. And some of the colleagues.

I am thankful that in stepping out of an environmentally comfort zone, it does not in any way dampen that zest in education. In fact, that became clearer, and in many ways, the contribution is wider. And there are opportunities for greater depth of thought and reflection.

I also realise, I need not 'seek for direction'. At my age, I just need to enjoy what I am doing, and contribute meaningfully. Most important of all, to help pave the way for the next generation.

Apart from a heavy heart worrying about a couple of situations, I must say, I feel at ease with the things I am doing, especially because it allows more room to serve, and help in more meaningful context. And that includes personal, professional and intellectual development.

And for the kids that I miss, I must thank social media for giving me avenues to share their lives, and also the many ways of communication. Looking forward to seeing them....

One week into 2012

One week into 2012. I have to admit I feel sad. Very. Whether I show or not, I am. Of course, I didnt show.

In all that I do, I put my whole being in. I dont know how not to. It is true, in life, we have our favourites. People say we shouldnt. But thats not possible. Favouritism is only wrong if it leads to biasness, and neglecting of others.

So every child is important. And I feel it for each one of them, as and when I know of their pathway. Rejoicing with them in their joys; and feeling their pain in their downsittings. I looked forward to every news of each of my kids...

at this moment, there is a well of sadness...

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at my own end, things have been pleasant. settled in well in the new place. The people I have to communicate with were all nice, and respectful. When issues were raised, the positive approach, receptiveness and immediate responses took me by surprise. So, despite the long travelling, it really was pleasant. Definitely much better than I have expected, and i am grateful.

Kids, are always lovable in their own way. Every child is important. So, whatever the differences in traits or content, the heart of teaching remains what it is. To nurture. To educate.

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Direction for dissertation is begin to be clearer. I must say my lecturer cum supervisor, L, is very 'on'. We have already met twice for over 4 hours, and she is definitely pushing me into deep reading. Her drive and passion is very motivating. The problem is I have difficulty matching up... ultimately I am always distracted by teaching and kids.

But, I would have to insulate myself more and focus. It is not merely trying to complete the Masters in the shortest period ie within this year. It also may set the pathway for things ahead. Discipline is not my strength. Partly because I cant do things for myself. That is not sufficient motivation for me. And for personal 'glory' or achievement is also meaningless. I have to try to see that the project could well turn out to be meaningful for the education profession. Actually it is, or could be. Whatever. I must.

I am thankful that both L and tls are supportive and have been guiding me closely. This is quite unusual for me, since that is the role I usually play. So, I really must get myself into higher gear.

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I wish I had not commit myself to so many miscellaneous tasks. Although it all has to do with teaching, the approaches are so diverse. O well, I suppose at the end, I hope to find my direction...or at least rule out what I know I definitely would not want.

ssh, must really get organised, and buck up....===============================================

and i hope, i really hope all would be well....

New Year....

I cant say I really feel much about the start of another year. Though I am starting quite a few things really new this year, and in unknown areas, I dont know aht to feel about them. Alot of things to adapt to, and perhaps age is a mental obstacle. Again, it may be because of my own pessimistic disposition. My lecturer pointed that out, that I keep seeing difficulties, the things I think I cant do.

Actually I do know that of myself, but it is always helpful when someone 'rapped' you about it. I remembered part of the reason why I wanted to blog was to keep reminding myself to be positive. To set an example for the kids. So no matter how 'down' things seem, must take a deep breath, see things positively, and move forward.

Its like driving also. I hate to drive to unknown places. But if I dont, almost every place will remain unknown. I am thankful for people who keep encouraging me to break the mental barrier. But encouragement is pointless if one doesnt act on it. Same as advice.

So, taking the 'rap' from my lecturer, and her advice, I am embarking on the dissertation route. Its going to be tough. I thought the magnitude of the project was much bigger than I wanted. But hopefully it would be meaningful. Then I need to pick up more education research skills, and I am offered some part-time task to work on it. I am a little relunctant. I guess part of the reason is because it will take me one step further away from my love in teaching.

But I have to ask myself realistically, how long will I be respected in teaching? Will there be a time when I can no longer reach out to kids because i lack the life and energy as I get older? It is terrible to see kids treating elders with condescension. With adults, I have definitely see it. Someone actually coined the acronym 'gg' whenever our views differ. And gg stands for 'generation gap'. I often wonder how do one teach respect to others when they themselves cant show respect to fellow beings. Example is better than precept. I will take alot of nonsense from kids. But adults, well......

So, realistically, well, I do need to consider alternatives. Ironically, my first career choice was to do research. Still, I should be thankful to have alternatives. So this 'new' year will be a year of diversity. Perhaps its my sentimentalism ~ 太过念旧。Yes, i will miss the kids terribly once term starts. And it is starting tomorrow. And all the warmth and familiarity that I have left behind....

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Starting anew has its fears. I was beginning to panic that I am far from ready, and looking into what I should bring tmr, when I remembered ld getting alot of packed stationery for me. I had seen the items, but when I opened up the box again just now, I realised how thoughtful he was. He remembered that I was going to a new environment, and would probably need to build up my stationery resource again. He thought of everything, even labelling them with my name, so that they will come back to me when misplaced. I am really quite a scatter brain in some things, and he being my 'neighbour' had been my provider... and he ensured that I would have the essentials for my next lap. What a lovely chap!

And as I rummaged through my things, I realised I have so many things, so many thoughtful and sweet gifts, honestly, I have alot alot. Its not the gifts. Its the people that have been so thoughtful.

Its good to count one's blessings.....very good indeed.

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There is no need to make new year resolutions... I suddenly recall a song "Try a little kindness"

"If you see your brother standing by the road
With a heavy load from the seeds he's sowed
And if you see your sister falling by the way
Just stop and say you're going the wrong way
You got to try a little kindness
Yes show a little kindness

Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
Then you'll overlook the blindness
Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets

Don't walk around the down and out
Lend a helping hand instead of doubt
And the kindness that you show every day
Will help someone along their way
You got to try a little kindness
Yes show a little kindness

This is a good resolution all the year round....