In remembrance

失去和拥有刹那的感动

人生有时候像一场梦

醒着的时候睁开了双眸

不如意的很多....

This is part of the lyrics from Joi Chua. I like her voice and I like most of her songs. Not that I had paid attention to the new generation of singers. But when i was teaching at blss, each time I passed the mrt, there will be a cd shop that played their music loud... and her voice and songs caught my attention. Ld got me 3 of her cds for my birthday this year...the lyrics captured alot of passing mements of life...

By now, I almost dread cny. First of all, with mum gone, cny has no meaning to me. Dad and mum both passed on just before cny. Last year, there was a bereavement at cny, though it did not directly affect me.

This year....the events that had taken place, which marked anxiety from the start till the end...had weighed heavily. Everything else that had taken place sunk into insignificance...



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The last 3 weeks of 2012 have been like a long journey. I cant say it is a roller coaster ride, because it isnt. Its like walking through a valley... at the end of each week of 2012, i had a heavy heart...And week 3 of 2012 ... that which was dreaded, became reality ....

Among the many, many thoughts, pain, reflections...one consideration stood out: the immense responsibility of being an adult, ie a responsible one. What to say, how much to say;being positive and cheerful when one's perception tells one otherwise; consideration for kids takes precedence over whatever personal turmoil one may have. And i agree that it is only right to do so.

Yet, when all alone, in that inwardness and multitudes of tumultousness, I realised I seem quite alone, in the way I think and feel. Against the backdrop of a festive period, grief has to be so muted.

I am strong in rationalisation, and that is a great strength.
But alot of things sometimes cant be rationalised. And shouldnt be.

Humanity ie being human, in the full capacity of mind and heart cannot be rationalised. That would be self-delusion.

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At this moment, i just want to have that small space, to be abit of myself.

I am writing this in remembrance, now that there is a quietude.......I feel the painful loss within my soul. I wished... I wished for alot that I cant do anymore.

I am sorry. Very Very sorry.

In remembrance...I just want to say, I do care...I really do....