Mourning Day 5

MONDAY, AUGUST 9, 2010

National Day

Drove to sk place to watch the NDP.

National Day is very important to me. Every parade brings tears to me, from the days I was a child, I remembered the first parade I watched, when I was 9. And I saw the soldiers marching on... black and white tv.

I had seen attap houses; ox carts; homes without tv, without telephones; beggars;and much more poverty; I saw strikes reported on newspapers... unrest...

Now I see security, safety, prosperity....

I am proud of Singapore. I will never give up my citizenship. This is Singapore. This is my land.

I recapture what I wrote five years ago.....and its true, National Day was also synonymous to Mr LKY. 

I found these few days unreal....and am thankful that we are given a period of time to come to terms in this period. The fact is, I have always been an admirer of historical figures, particularly, leaders of stature. When young, it was just names that one may have a penchant for. Dr Sun Yat Sen, Sir Winston Churchill, John F Kennedy were top of the lists. Of our local leaders, as a child at 10, I could list every single cabinet ministers, right down to the minister of states, and even parliamentary secretary if their names were reported. I supported really fervently the ruling party. At 11, I remembered mum and dad were away during the general elections. I stayed up through the night, waiting for report of the results, filling in the boxes in newspapers. I jumped for joy when they made a clean sweep. Dont ask me why. No, I had no one to influence me. Perhaps the newspapers. I read the speeches....and urm, I was not impressed by the alternatives. In every election through my teens, I heaved a sigh of relief, that despite my parents voiced unhappiness, they voted the ruling party. Mum especially was always quite secretive saying voting is secret, and wont say openly who she voted. But sk always managed to get it out of her. And i never believed that there were bogeys out there that would watch out if you didnt vote for them as charged by those who lost, claiming that it was due to fear. I knew it wasn't. Don't aske why i knew. I just knew.

I started wavering however with the twp case (incidentally, i saw an article purportedly written by one that bear his name, and if it was, that i think my concern for him had been wasted, and had he been allowed to further his cause, the damage would have been great).....we didnt have much information....but students crackdown is painful. But as an Economics student, I saw the foresight and wisdom of decisions made and could not deny the great improvements in our lives. There were just so much, too much unrests all around. In uni first year, I attended a talk given by Dr LSC from Barisan ( my one and last attendance in political rallies). He was a charismatic speaker, and made many charges. I was stunned. I remembered that moment. Had my trust really been misplaced? If he was right, then?

I was very troubled. I was a loner, and attended anything on my own. And still do so. But I really wanted someone to talk to. And...I talked to lph., a senior whom I did not know well, but who was easy to communicate with... who also became the person that made the first very deep dent in my life..... a person I never mentioned. He was from Penang, brilliant, analytical and a person I got so comfortable with in the only time, that I undertook leadership role and worked closely in planning and strategising....That is another story....the story linked with the song Perhaps Love....a story that would remain untold....

Being a malaysian, he was far more astute in his judgments than I was, and very much more politically analytical. He taught me not to fall for rhetorics and clamours of speeches or on smears of character. To judge things based on facts and the structure of what we have. He related the situation in Malaysia and why so many of them took scholarships to be in Singapore. That was a very important lifetime lesson for me. To value stability. To value fairness. To value true leadership. This lesson I never forget. Thanks ph. I never told you. I also agree with the cooling day before election. If you got to be whipped up to an emotional pitch to know who you want to vote for, it says as much for you as a voter. 

But there were policies that I could not agree with: Stop at Two, displacing of dialect programs and hence the livelihood and leisure of the generation of old people; elitism; the promotion of economic gains and competitions at all costs always because of the potential threats ahead; the use of statistics and ranking; the oppression of those who disagree with him. I also felt there was a stifling of thinking, deliberately or otherwise. Independent mindedness was not encouraged. Definitely not for educators as well. And this attitude permeates the ranks and files of civil service including school administrations. My bluntness was never quite appreciated, although thankfully my diligence and care and love and ability in teaching was. But I never rose through the promotion rungs because I never did the 'right' thing at the 'right' time in front of the 'right' people. In fact quite the contrary. I learnt that there is a price for freedom, and thats fine. I was far happier to be much lesser, than to be one that concurs with a 'respected' designation. Not that I had a choice. I just dont have the showmanship. And yes, its the showmanship that I thoroughly hated. Not that I can associate that with Mr LKY from the speeches that I have scoured through.

 Actually, I thought Mr LTk's tribute was precise, and could not be better expressed. It was because of these factors that I had felt so much conflicts and tumults within myself. How do I regard this leader whom I had so much respect and regard? When I saw his disdain for those that challenged him, and knowing I would never be one that would accept unquestioningly, I never even dream of meeting this man. I would never be worthy of notice, and would be shot down for things I disagreed with. So this man was one that perhaps held in respect distantly, but one that I would never wish to meet.

Now, more than half a century older, and learning so much more about personalities and characters, i do see things from a different perspective. I realised that this is a person that is not just the founding PM of Singapore and had brought us through many crisis to survive and then to thrive. I realise that he will go down as a figure in history, with controversies, but his astounding  vision, acumen, wit and oratorical gifts are of a totally different plane , legendary as some described, from the way that he had been viewed from my own puny mind. This is a clearly a genius in leadership with the guts and indomitable will to guard a small nation that he viewed as his child. I have long realised that my adulation for JKF was misplaced, and how history would have been had Dr Sun lived longer, no one would know. I also realised for all my admiration of Sir Churchill's leadership and courage in WWII, he is not without controversies either. I also realised that here, so near, in my own homeland, is a figure that would go down as history as a 'great leader' and many of us weren't even quite aware of the enormity of what he had undertaken. Truly a statesman rightly respected by leaders of his calibre and by citizens. In that, it is a privilege. A true privilege. 

Its a great conflict within trying to resolve all these the last few days. My first reaction to his death was an inexplicable grief.  I didn't realise I would feel this way. More because he was always there. All my life, I always know, he was always there. Then the next round of tumults as I go through the records. Some had always been there. I had refused to read or watch them because I viewed them as propaganda. Actually they are, but factually true. Mr Lee knew the power of communication. He prepared all this. He foresaw that his vision and achievements could be rewritten and even voided if he didn't put them on record. And he made sure it was also visual. Reminded me of Mr Nixon who had no patience with the press.  I had spent many hours going through many historical persons and history of our region.

I didn't just go through the positive ones. I read through the criticisms, negative posts and the charges made. I already knew many of them, some I had impression in my own lifetime. And through all the ploughing, I arrive at my own judgements. I am not meticulous, but I am thorough. That is my strength. 

In a way, like a little child, I would wish, I had gone up, and say in person, thank you. I guess it is all too late. Still, i have never been anti-g. I couldnt. Not with my childhood preoccupations as the foundation. I just couldn't. Every election thereafter in adulthood had been a time of deep conflict. I couldn't agree with many of the policies. But I could not vote against them. So I have always declared, and will continue to declare myself apolitical. Politics is far too confusing for me. 

I cannot take sides because it is never in the nature of my mind to do be an activist of any sort. I have my own views, and strong ones. But I prefer to quietly do what i can on my part. Discrete good. Systemic changes are too high and lofty for me. 

At this point of time, I only know, this nation has been well governed and I am very thankful. It had been fair to me, in that my hard work in my youth and allowed a fair level of comfort now as age catches on. And many thanks to CPF, the compulsory savings fund that had literally saved me, so that I did not 'squander' for the cause of others. Anyone who worked hard, and had a good attitude will never be deprived in this place. It is a fact. I also realised that my oft quote, No one in life owes you a living, had been from him. I must have caught it in one of his speeches when young. 

Yes, he is among the founding fathers. It is not his credit alone. I blame myself for being so self centred and not paid the due respect in particular to Dr Goh, Dr Toh , Mr Lim and Mr S Rajaratnam who among that generation of leaders had steered us through many troubled waters in the political upheavals of the day. I don't think he ever took the credit for himself. But he was certainly the driving force, the one with vision.

I never thought much of wakes and funerals, though I would attend them when friends and colleagues passed through times of bereavement. To me, it was to show care. But when dad passed on in 1999, my first personal bereavement, I realised how much every condolence card meant to me. And every one that came to the wake, I didnt forget who they were. It mattered. It really mattered. It was a balm. A comfort. Especially for me, who could not utter what is within myself. Yet words matter so deeply to me. 

I didn't write any public tribute. I dont know what to write. I can only write in this space. But I did go down to Parliament House as unobtrusive as possible. I wanted to say my quiet thank you, though, yes, too late. But I still wanted to. It was only a few seconds. It was not to have a look. It was just a gesture, however insignificant to say, yes, it mattered. Just a gesture of respect. That somehow, a moment in history is marked, and the miniscule, irrelevance of one amongst 5 or 6 million, I have benefited from his leadership, who regarded Singapore as his child, and to protect and provide for the people here. 

He marked a lifetime....my lifetime....and the lifetime of many. Sunday would be a day of mourning for my generation and the older generation in particular. Mourning is a natural outpouring of grief. There is a time for everything. And, this time, is a time of grief. I dread Sunday.

The passing of our founding leader.....

Death has a way of hitting the inner chords in its reality. Fb brought home the news. I had checked till past midnight before bed.

For whatever one may disagree with the policies he laid, one cannot but acknowledge that this level of comfort, this level of attainment, this level of lifting from where we had been half a century ago, is very much to the credit of the vision, forcefulness, determination and leadership of this one man. Yes, he did have a team of incredibly dedicated leaders, some who are brilliant strategists, whom we owe to.....I still remembered Mr Goh Keng Swee passing in May 2010....I was actually sad that the school did not have any public announcement nor acknowledge to the present generation how much we had owed to this man. And somehow it didn't seem right to me. That was when I saw, how little people think. How much is taken for granted. Even 'leaders'.

This time would be different. And rightly so. I grew up with his leadership. Leadership seems an understatement for a man of such force. I learnt from young, work hard, no one owes you a living. I worked hard and it was so. I have alot to be thankful for. I will never forget the first National day parade that I saw on black and white TV.  I must be about 10 or 11. I remembered the tears that welled in my eyes. We will make it. We must make it. We are together in it. So for my growing years, National Day parade was very important to me. I believe it is a way of holding out war. I was always acutely aware of things around me, especially through 1970s. I remembered the oil weapon, the pullout of the British army, the economic recessions....all our vulnerabilities as a very small country.

As I grew up, I agreed and disagreed. At some point, disagreed strongly. Not that it matters. I am after all, just an insignificant being. Its pure speculation what we could have been without him.

I wasn't quite sure how my reaction would be although I knew it was imminent. As the days went passed in the past week, I was more certain. And this morning, knowing it, yes, I mourn the passing of the founder of the independent Singapore. I always believe in nation before family. And God before nation.

Today is a sad day. I hope PM Lee holds out. Double duty as the son to such a towering figure that leaves a mark in history. And as the present leader to continue on the legacy of his father. Not made easier in his recent illness. My heart goes out to him, and his family.


This post is a mark of respect for the man that had granted me a safe country to grow and live in, that had steered Singapore to where she is today. Yes, it is a time of national bereavement. I am part of this nation. I had told my students, I will never migrate. I never considered it and never will.  However green the pastures else where. Whatever the circumstance. I am born in this land. I belong to this place. I love my country. And I feel the grief of bereavement of this man, the icon of this country, to whom we owe, to a great degree, our present stability and welfare.

and the tunnels are through....

 Key event this month, T and B passed their 12th year on 3rd march. I am so grateful. 12 years.

time has really flowed....rather fast....somehow, in no time, is the end of a day.

sometimes, nothing really 'much' is done....again, depending on how defines what 'much' is. I can whittle away quite a few hours in the kitchen these days, not substantial cooking, but decent preparation? yes, i now do take trouble to cook at least a couple of days a week. For T and B, daily.

I dont quite know how to explain how time passes. When i think of how packed my schedule had been in time past, from school, to pusses, to tuition, to people....really, now is really a luxury. More importantly, the frame is good.

It has been a very very long time, that I can finally say without any baggages, that the frame is good.  T and B 12 years say alot. And the tunnel stretched back another 12 years. And before that, yet another tunnel....so, to say the frame is good...its really good.

I no longer look at the past, and feel the pinch. I can look at the tunnels, and know all is left behind. I can wake each day, without feeling the dread of another day. Nor do I need to look for something to live for.  I can just occupy each day as it is. No reason is needed. And yes, am quietly happy. Unrelated to anyone, any event. Just living in simplicity. Not merely existing, and enduring or being driven by duty or work. Its really unreal, almost unbelievable sometimes that I can feel thus and it has been so for the last 2 weeks.

I am  very thankful to be able to write these words. I never thought it could be possible to reach such a frame. There had been ripples, but they are ripples. I learn to see things in perspective and weighing against the weight of eternity ahead, usually nothing really matters when placed in the balance.

The dissertation is back....yes, the amendments would be tedious, but not unmanageable. Took a tcm exam last week, didn't study as I should, cleared the mark unimpressively. Its okay. What is important is, I must understand the concept of application. Not the score. B has been making progress, marginal, issue is still present, but i am grateful for tcm that had helped her to have some recovery. Even dr N agreed tcm has worked better. And watching out for kids....some not doing as well, some moving forward.... seeing them grow matters to me.

I fret much less and a steady strength in the inward parts is building. I know not what a day may bring and i know reserves must be built. What good I can do this day, I want to continue to do. And I remain grateful to those who have helped me attain to this frame: the recovery of health in particular with many thanks especially to zh and the support, care and  constant companionship of friends ls, ky, j, k and g. Above all, the gift of faith to believe and trust in God who changeth not. As the father pitieth his son, so the Lord pitieth them that love him.

I am indeed blessed. To come to this point. And what lies ahead, still the same, a little something, for a little someone, everyday.