Mourning Day 5

MONDAY, AUGUST 9, 2010

National Day

Drove to sk place to watch the NDP.

National Day is very important to me. Every parade brings tears to me, from the days I was a child, I remembered the first parade I watched, when I was 9. And I saw the soldiers marching on... black and white tv.

I had seen attap houses; ox carts; homes without tv, without telephones; beggars;and much more poverty; I saw strikes reported on newspapers... unrest...

Now I see security, safety, prosperity....

I am proud of Singapore. I will never give up my citizenship. This is Singapore. This is my land.

I recapture what I wrote five years ago.....and its true, National Day was also synonymous to Mr LKY. 

I found these few days unreal....and am thankful that we are given a period of time to come to terms in this period. The fact is, I have always been an admirer of historical figures, particularly, leaders of stature. When young, it was just names that one may have a penchant for. Dr Sun Yat Sen, Sir Winston Churchill, John F Kennedy were top of the lists. Of our local leaders, as a child at 10, I could list every single cabinet ministers, right down to the minister of states, and even parliamentary secretary if their names were reported. I supported really fervently the ruling party. At 11, I remembered mum and dad were away during the general elections. I stayed up through the night, waiting for report of the results, filling in the boxes in newspapers. I jumped for joy when they made a clean sweep. Dont ask me why. No, I had no one to influence me. Perhaps the newspapers. I read the speeches....and urm, I was not impressed by the alternatives. In every election through my teens, I heaved a sigh of relief, that despite my parents voiced unhappiness, they voted the ruling party. Mum especially was always quite secretive saying voting is secret, and wont say openly who she voted. But sk always managed to get it out of her. And i never believed that there were bogeys out there that would watch out if you didnt vote for them as charged by those who lost, claiming that it was due to fear. I knew it wasn't. Don't aske why i knew. I just knew.

I started wavering however with the twp case (incidentally, i saw an article purportedly written by one that bear his name, and if it was, that i think my concern for him had been wasted, and had he been allowed to further his cause, the damage would have been great).....we didnt have much information....but students crackdown is painful. But as an Economics student, I saw the foresight and wisdom of decisions made and could not deny the great improvements in our lives. There were just so much, too much unrests all around. In uni first year, I attended a talk given by Dr LSC from Barisan ( my one and last attendance in political rallies). He was a charismatic speaker, and made many charges. I was stunned. I remembered that moment. Had my trust really been misplaced? If he was right, then?

I was very troubled. I was a loner, and attended anything on my own. And still do so. But I really wanted someone to talk to. And...I talked to lph., a senior whom I did not know well, but who was easy to communicate with... who also became the person that made the first very deep dent in my life..... a person I never mentioned. He was from Penang, brilliant, analytical and a person I got so comfortable with in the only time, that I undertook leadership role and worked closely in planning and strategising....That is another story....the story linked with the song Perhaps Love....a story that would remain untold....

Being a malaysian, he was far more astute in his judgments than I was, and very much more politically analytical. He taught me not to fall for rhetorics and clamours of speeches or on smears of character. To judge things based on facts and the structure of what we have. He related the situation in Malaysia and why so many of them took scholarships to be in Singapore. That was a very important lifetime lesson for me. To value stability. To value fairness. To value true leadership. This lesson I never forget. Thanks ph. I never told you. I also agree with the cooling day before election. If you got to be whipped up to an emotional pitch to know who you want to vote for, it says as much for you as a voter. 

But there were policies that I could not agree with: Stop at Two, displacing of dialect programs and hence the livelihood and leisure of the generation of old people; elitism; the promotion of economic gains and competitions at all costs always because of the potential threats ahead; the use of statistics and ranking; the oppression of those who disagree with him. I also felt there was a stifling of thinking, deliberately or otherwise. Independent mindedness was not encouraged. Definitely not for educators as well. And this attitude permeates the ranks and files of civil service including school administrations. My bluntness was never quite appreciated, although thankfully my diligence and care and love and ability in teaching was. But I never rose through the promotion rungs because I never did the 'right' thing at the 'right' time in front of the 'right' people. In fact quite the contrary. I learnt that there is a price for freedom, and thats fine. I was far happier to be much lesser, than to be one that concurs with a 'respected' designation. Not that I had a choice. I just dont have the showmanship. And yes, its the showmanship that I thoroughly hated. Not that I can associate that with Mr LKY from the speeches that I have scoured through.

 Actually, I thought Mr LTk's tribute was precise, and could not be better expressed. It was because of these factors that I had felt so much conflicts and tumults within myself. How do I regard this leader whom I had so much respect and regard? When I saw his disdain for those that challenged him, and knowing I would never be one that would accept unquestioningly, I never even dream of meeting this man. I would never be worthy of notice, and would be shot down for things I disagreed with. So this man was one that perhaps held in respect distantly, but one that I would never wish to meet.

Now, more than half a century older, and learning so much more about personalities and characters, i do see things from a different perspective. I realised that this is a person that is not just the founding PM of Singapore and had brought us through many crisis to survive and then to thrive. I realise that he will go down as a figure in history, with controversies, but his astounding  vision, acumen, wit and oratorical gifts are of a totally different plane , legendary as some described, from the way that he had been viewed from my own puny mind. This is a clearly a genius in leadership with the guts and indomitable will to guard a small nation that he viewed as his child. I have long realised that my adulation for JKF was misplaced, and how history would have been had Dr Sun lived longer, no one would know. I also realised for all my admiration of Sir Churchill's leadership and courage in WWII, he is not without controversies either. I also realised that here, so near, in my own homeland, is a figure that would go down as history as a 'great leader' and many of us weren't even quite aware of the enormity of what he had undertaken. Truly a statesman rightly respected by leaders of his calibre and by citizens. In that, it is a privilege. A true privilege. 

Its a great conflict within trying to resolve all these the last few days. My first reaction to his death was an inexplicable grief.  I didn't realise I would feel this way. More because he was always there. All my life, I always know, he was always there. Then the next round of tumults as I go through the records. Some had always been there. I had refused to read or watch them because I viewed them as propaganda. Actually they are, but factually true. Mr Lee knew the power of communication. He prepared all this. He foresaw that his vision and achievements could be rewritten and even voided if he didn't put them on record. And he made sure it was also visual. Reminded me of Mr Nixon who had no patience with the press.  I had spent many hours going through many historical persons and history of our region.

I didn't just go through the positive ones. I read through the criticisms, negative posts and the charges made. I already knew many of them, some I had impression in my own lifetime. And through all the ploughing, I arrive at my own judgements. I am not meticulous, but I am thorough. That is my strength. 

In a way, like a little child, I would wish, I had gone up, and say in person, thank you. I guess it is all too late. Still, i have never been anti-g. I couldnt. Not with my childhood preoccupations as the foundation. I just couldn't. Every election thereafter in adulthood had been a time of deep conflict. I couldn't agree with many of the policies. But I could not vote against them. So I have always declared, and will continue to declare myself apolitical. Politics is far too confusing for me. 

I cannot take sides because it is never in the nature of my mind to do be an activist of any sort. I have my own views, and strong ones. But I prefer to quietly do what i can on my part. Discrete good. Systemic changes are too high and lofty for me. 

At this point of time, I only know, this nation has been well governed and I am very thankful. It had been fair to me, in that my hard work in my youth and allowed a fair level of comfort now as age catches on. And many thanks to CPF, the compulsory savings fund that had literally saved me, so that I did not 'squander' for the cause of others. Anyone who worked hard, and had a good attitude will never be deprived in this place. It is a fact. I also realised that my oft quote, No one in life owes you a living, had been from him. I must have caught it in one of his speeches when young. 

Yes, he is among the founding fathers. It is not his credit alone. I blame myself for being so self centred and not paid the due respect in particular to Dr Goh, Dr Toh , Mr Lim and Mr S Rajaratnam who among that generation of leaders had steered us through many troubled waters in the political upheavals of the day. I don't think he ever took the credit for himself. But he was certainly the driving force, the one with vision.

I never thought much of wakes and funerals, though I would attend them when friends and colleagues passed through times of bereavement. To me, it was to show care. But when dad passed on in 1999, my first personal bereavement, I realised how much every condolence card meant to me. And every one that came to the wake, I didnt forget who they were. It mattered. It really mattered. It was a balm. A comfort. Especially for me, who could not utter what is within myself. Yet words matter so deeply to me. 

I didn't write any public tribute. I dont know what to write. I can only write in this space. But I did go down to Parliament House as unobtrusive as possible. I wanted to say my quiet thank you, though, yes, too late. But I still wanted to. It was only a few seconds. It was not to have a look. It was just a gesture, however insignificant to say, yes, it mattered. Just a gesture of respect. That somehow, a moment in history is marked, and the miniscule, irrelevance of one amongst 5 or 6 million, I have benefited from his leadership, who regarded Singapore as his child, and to protect and provide for the people here. 

He marked a lifetime....my lifetime....and the lifetime of many. Sunday would be a day of mourning for my generation and the older generation in particular. Mourning is a natural outpouring of grief. There is a time for everything. And, this time, is a time of grief. I dread Sunday.