and feb is ending soon....

did want to write many times. But got too tired by late evening and writing do need that clarity of mind. Words must expressed what it intends to. There was an unfinished post...will attach it here....

22 Feb 2015

For some reason, it seems harder to do a post. Time is a factor. Frame is another factor. The sense of words yet a third factor. Words are slow to flow.

Cny has come by and the 'peak' is over yesterday with the visit of the kids. About 50 kids from three batches. Having the headache has affected my sense of things. But, despite that, I would still say, the meaningfulness of cny has got to be seeing the kids grow year by year. There were some good conversations. Even in the brief moments of greetings, just seeing the kids touch my heart. After they all left, I found myself going through each class that I had taught, thinking of those that I didnt see, and hoping each is well and happy. There are at least 10 away in uk/usa.....Time really has passed quickly. At least two will be graduating next year. D said in no time, 403 will come with children. I would like that. :)

But somehow there is always a check within myself. I dont know if I would get to see that sometimes.... the memory card analogy is always behind my mind....the storage capacity is low... I dare not assume. Low energy level and persistent bad head have made me wonder how long I can keep up such a big gathering. May have to break it to batches.....

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I am still conscious of the passing of each day, and so far, there are very few days that had not have some meaningful element. Actually, i think yes, every day I have made it count . But, the pace has slowed a great deal, a very great deal. Its a very different me. I have to learn to take things as it is. No point comparing to what I could, what others can. I am the me that I am now. But its hard to take.

It hasnt been easy. Partly B's roller coaster progress/lack thereof, with extra complicated manifestations. Toggling between vet's medication and tcm....addressing the need most pronounced all requires judgment. My lack of it has resulted in a badly swollen finger which incapacitate me for a couple of days. At least it momentarily switch attention from the bad head to the bad finger, and between them, I think I have not swim for nearly 3 weeks.

cny requires clearing up mess....and that was not done well either. The head again. And bp. cny requires facing 'family'....in particular..... O well, I came through it within. There are times that the time-bomb within myself feel like letting go what i really feel inside. But i shouldn't.

cny means there are days that are free with ls. Appreciate her staying over. We 'settled' an outstanding matter....the outcome was expected, yet unexpected. Yes, had hoped for the better. Whatever. I got over it. I did what I should. Had not spoken wisely, but....well, those that would understand need no words. Those that would not understand, will hear their own word whatever said or unsaid. But no regrets. It had to be done. What I am more certain is my own boundaries and threshold. And the need to keep my own frame. It cost one  quite bad night, which thankfully, with all due preparation (tcm medication), it was manageable. Many thanks to tcm. And the comfort of knowing ls understands is no small comfort.

the big plus factor is having ls company over the 2 days, going to ecp, and the walks by the hub. It was lovely company. And things have been much much better with ky over the past weeks. Am very relieved and glad about it.

I just want to keep my heart and eyes fixed on the better hope, the better promise, that of the world to come.

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27 Feb 2015

Looking back, I would still say, yes, almost every day is meaningful. Every day matters for me now. I used to be too busy, rushing to complete this and that, focused on tasks....or fighting unwellness in many aspects....and  days drift past...and i dont know where i am heading.

The relative calmness has prevailed these past 2 months. There had been 'bad' moments, but it has not taken over and that is very good.

Cny can be tricky. Went to B1's place on 22, and arranged for him to come down to sk place for dinner on 24th, hoping to patch up between B1 and S1. It would happen  on that morning that B went into several frenzy bouts, and her skin was in scorched red condition. Thankfully with more dosage of tcm, she was calmed. I had been very cautious with dosage, but tuesday is a day dr nathan isnt in, and I didnt want to risk it with other vets. When things were in control, I decided to carry on the cooking curry plan, and managed to persuade sk to eat home instead of out. What was good overall is, to see S1 and B1 talking again. That was a very big gain. Both had looked after me as a kid. Given the circumstance, no one really could do anything much, but they did what they could, and I am grateful to them.

B1 asked me if i watch the documentary on the historic bukit ho swee fire. No, I didnt. I couldnt face it. That was the fire that caused the panic, that became my birthday. That caused mum to feel deserted when she could not get a transport to do the maternity home, that caused a birth that caused such pain and disappointment that she couldnt face me, that has been a 'hallmark' of my life. I was called the 'fire child' for many years of my life. It wasnt nice. I guess for B1, the impact was great. He was 13 then so, all these are vivid memories to him. So, he has to let it out. I understand.

Having such turbulence from birth, to me, every kid matters. That doesnt mean the good intent of helping each kid is always 'right'. Many had also gone wrong; overly strict; overly protective; overly concerned; overly harsh; Intent itself is not sufficient. I have learnt. But true care is really there.

I told someone recently why I dont bother to clarify certain things is because I always consider the good intent behind something that is not really welcomed. But that said, I can still perceive whether there is true care or not. Words are superfluous and can be a camouflage for emotions. Whatever.

I dont know if I am overly cautious with 'family'. But I do know, I will regret if I stood by when a difference can be made. lets see how the year will work out for all of us.....at the moment, I am at peace with myself.

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tcm course is really intriguing and interesting. Have a half a mind to be very serious with this pursuit.  Will write at length about this course in another post. Will see how as the year unfolds....

I have to consider.....there are still things I could do for kids....and energy is waning....st said i am not that old yet....alot of things are not measured by age....one knows what is within oneself, and I am already taking alot of steps to take care.

Also there is always T and B to consider, especially B....between dr N and zh's tcm, she has been fairly comfortable especially the last few days. I only want her to be happy and to have minimal suffering. T and B are the love of my life....they came into my life when I needed them most. And I will do my utmost to see them well taken care of to the end of their days. Their 12th birthday is coming soon.....

Managed to go swimming yesterday....there was that shadow to overcome from the last attempt nearly 3 weeks ago. The migraine attack broke out very bad with the cold water and activity and i had to abort the swim and somehow got myself back. Since then, the headaches had persist, though most of the time, just a dull ache in the background. It helps to know the cause is the nerve impingement issue. As long as not aggravated by other factors, it can be managed without extraneous intervention. Thankfully, the swim was fine, did the usual routine, and no outbreak of migraine.

That was a relief. To overcome. I want to overcome shadows within. i want to overcome fears that can be faced. When I face them, and overcome, then can I encourage kids to do the same.

J dropped by yesterday. He is a really a very lovely and considerate kid and has helped me a great deal especially to get things organised at home. His regularity, maturity, genuine care and support has really been a balm. K has also kept regular contact from denmark every few days. They have made all the difference to me in 2014 and into 2015. I couldn't ask for more.

And with the many many others....ld, vl, el, pl, pc, rc, kyc, kuech, ca, and the list of many good colleagues...i am content.

And the many kids...I love hearing from each one of them. Every kid matters. And especially 403. They will remain special forever....the kids that taught me, that happy is just what it is. This is the 8th year from when i first met them....they have grown....some I have not seen since 2011...but each remain a special kid. 15 boys. 8 girls. 23 kids. Now 22....I hope there would be a day when I can see all 23 together again....

And every day, a little good to a little someone. Live each day well. Live each day meaningfully. Yes, 2015 February will end in two days, and let these two days be as the days that passed...each day counts...