flow and ebb....

its really not expected....maybe because i have been feeling fairly well and strong, swimming regularly usually thrice a week....somehow one blow, and that familiar feeling (yes familiar, i have this sense a few times the last 2-3 years), like a memory card running out of space......I guess, it could and would have been much worse, had the reserves not been built over the past months. Its not particular illness per se, I was actually taken aback how quick symptoms of the malaise can be gone with tcm....its that sense of the ebb of strength....

.....strengthlessness, the inward feel of frailty, that sensing of non expandability of energy. Not immediacy. But an indication somehow that things wont go on and on.....reserves are depleting......perhaps its the moment of slow recovery of energy. But that this same sense has recurred....a reminder.....

What needs to be done, has almost been done. Its to spend quality time with people that matters. And alot of people matters. Kids always matter. But they have their own life to lead, and i would wish them to be independent, to be strong and to be fruitful.

My friends matter. Alot. Especially those that had been with me over rough times these past 8 years. Affinity is a strange thing. With different people, i have such strong inexplicable affinity.....because i am not a person open to new friendships, those that managed to enter into the inner ring in recent years, are those who somehow strike an inner chord and remain very special.

Friends from nushs particularly. Perhaps from them, I gradually return to normalcy and tasted true friendships.... This one stint is the most memorable and the one that i love most in my somewhat rough and winding path. But each phase has its value that has steered to the present and without which, i would not be what i am today.

Perhaps its the momentarily ebb ...hopefully when the flow return, i will have more energy.....

Whatever....in low phases, its pleasant and warm thoughts of people who have cared for me these past years, that made the aloneness more bearable...and these are the very people, that i wish to return the goodness shown....because i do care for them too. Probably more. Because of the deep gratitude i bear to them.

Hope the flow will return soon.......