looking for silver lining...

they say every cloud has a silver lining....whatever that is suppose to mean...in every situation, i am only thankful i can see positive elements to be thankful for...

sk via her friend manage to get a day nurse in....things seem in place yesterday tho mum looked really frail....

this morning, my migraine was bad, and i was still quite upset over why @ had to ask me yesterday abt plans for next sem....i really dont understand why @ is so insensitive....at such a time, when one does not know what the next day will bring, can i think that far? Is planning ahead so important without regard of how things are collapsing on others? the easiest and ready answer i can give is wipe my record out..........nothing new......yet i have always considered others in many of my decisions.....someday i will get over that.

Then sk called....i could hear she was panicking...mum's phlegm is bad.....and she has difficulty breathing.....i told her to hang on, I will come over....over the day, we managed to get a doc in, got phlegm sucking machine, rented bed that can be adjusted like hospital, air mattress for bed sores, not to add the oxygenator....the room has been turned into a mini hospital. Kim, the filipino day nurse was quite nice, and i must say sulis has been very commendable in coaxing and taking care of mum....

i am thankful to have the means to see to all these....and very thankful for kim and sulis...honestly i find it hard to see mum suffering when they try to extract out the phlegm. And gets confused over all the things and decisions to be made. Tho bil can be rather loud, i am thankful he help made a few decisions. i can see sk is not resting well, and would have difficulty hanging on without cracking. and i am really very very very tired...

yet in all these, i am thankful for every kindness and helpfulness. whether it is sulis, kim, inda our filipino and indonesia help (honestly they are better than our own locals) or the people from rainbow who sent all the medical stuff and set up for us, true they earn from us, but at least they respond quick and are helpful.....and today B1 was here, zg and zl and bil, so there was alot of manpower....

i must say i am at a loss over what to do the next few weeks.... by priority i should stay home. yet i dont know what to do if i was to stay home. i also dont know what is best each day....basically, we know death is lurking around....dont know when, dont know how....mum told the doc today to give her a jab and let her go, she doesnt want to go suffering....but doc thinks it could be infection, pleural infusion that can be treated still, so not wise to give sedation at this point....

i really dont know; its a relief in a way when it is postponed..but it is painful to see her suffering...i would have to stay over at sk's place once any instability happens again...cant leave her to face it on her own. and my judgment as at this moment is still intact.

i just want to be thankful for this day that has almost come to an end...that we have stood together to help mum tide through another day.... that we have had help from quite a few sources...that truly is silver lining......

as at this moment, i hope after taking the rest tonite, i can continue to do a little good tomorrow....and keep looking for every silver lining....

i wanted to set up this blog so that i can record my thoughts, to encourage myself, to encourage others that some day may go through the same trial... I have always told my students since i started teaching some 25 years ago....esp when they didnt do well and feel they cant achieve their dreams...I always told them, you are the only one that can block your own way....as a chinese saying goes, paths are paved by the steps of man.....

this was how i encourage myself also....i will keep walking and paved out a path.......

and yes i miss 403s cheerfulness that really help me carry on last year.....