Yes, I have moved....

The move took place as scheduled on 14 jan late afternoon. But it rained heavily, so there was delay...

No, i didnt cry. Too focused to feel anything. To the end, i am task-oriented.

Finally, the last phase, I packed T&B into my car, and got sk to come along to pacify them.

Yes, they have settled in. All the preparation and thought for their safety and adjustment was really worthwhile. Though it took them a few days to adjust, they have gotten use to their new home. And that was a real consolation. It mattered alot to me that they should not be unhappy. I think they rather like going up and down the stairs! :D

I have passed 10 nights here. I slept well because I was very tired every nite. Average time of sleeping range from 1 -3 am. By now, 70% has been unpacked, and there is an order of sorts. Yesterday nite was the first nite I finally have a working table, and wanted to update here. But had no access to internet, or rather lost access, so what was written was all lost.

Yes, I feel comfortable in this place. I cant say it is home. Home is where love is. Where family is. I cant say I have a family. Somehow, somehow, it is alone again naturally. But it is a comfortable abode. Big, but simple. I am contented to just live in, read, write, knit, tend to plants...enclosed in my own world. The space remove claustrophobia.

I am grateful to Mr Soon, and sj, my part-timer for the trouble taken to try to get things as right as possible for me. sj was surprisingly encouraging and relieved for me. Actually conditions at rv was quite bad, and the characters around are no longer savoury. She was uncomfortable, and I dont blame her. You know it when someone is genuinely concern. She was. This present place is also old, 28 years, and in need of repairs. I had done minimum renovations. But she and Mr Soon did alot to help to bring it to the best possible.

=============================

The story over at rv has not ended just yet. I wish it has.

sk and i drove down on sat to collect some things from mum's place. It was hard. We had to keep saying to each other, let go, let go. Mum loved to buy things, and she has good taste. But it was costly to upkeep expenses especially when teaching pay was really very very low then. I worried continually about finances for a long period of time. Now looking at these items, some really nice, really, its best to let go.

There was a bag of photographs... sk said let go. We let that go. Photographs of our childhood and the years of growth. It is too painful. If our lives were as those of ordinary folks, yes, these memories can be cherished. But, there were so few, for me, hardly any, memories of sweetness or happiness. Let go. Must let go.

I entered into the world of adults almost from a child. I saw, I listened, I didnt understand, then i understood. Despite it all, I construct in my mind an ideal world of love, care and hope. And especially in teaching. I cant give up my ideals. I dont know how and I dont want to. What I dont have, I want others to have.

Everything to do with this place, I have got to let go.

Not only me. I realised each of us, S1, B1, B2, sk... all of us found it very painful. B1 told sk he cant take it anymore packing things at mum's place. S1 lamented just now, she lived there since 11, and it is very sad for her.

How many understand what is it to leave a place that has been a roof over others for more than 50 years? And it was the haven for her and B1, and B2...

For me, it is a lifetime...

Within my soul, the pain and sorrow reverberated on and on....

And i am still the one who has to finish up the task of clearing everything in her place, of seeing to the handing over of the property, and then help tch complete the execution of the will. The end is still not over for me. I still have to see it one more time.

I wish, I really wish there is someone that can take over this from me. I envy those who have such dependable brothers. Really really envy them.

========================================

And for my own rv unit, the chapters are buried with it. I have done my duty and beyond.

This long chapter is over. Should have been long over.

========================================

What lies ahead, I do not know. I only know, I must push on, and must keep positive, and move on. The start of NIE helped give me some direction and focus....

I dont know why mum's passing left so much pain and poignancy. Her tempestous life, her personality, and somehow her child-like ness in a way made one feel very protective about her though she is an extremely strong spirited person. Somehow you just feel you had not done enough for her.

I could have been very much like her. But observing her a life-time, I compelled myself to be independent. I dont want to be a burden to anyone.

When I complete this earthly pilgrimage, i do not want the living to feel sad for me. I want them to feel I have lived my life with usefulness, and have made a difference to some, however few. And that I am happy to go the way of all the earth, and be at peace and at rest. Once I clear all this mess, and put my affairs in order, seriously, I would be happy to sleep, and be with the Lord.

And I want those who care and love me to know that, so that they would also be happy for me when I am no longer here. Dont grieve for me. I dont want that. It is too painful to the living. And I know if I live meaningfully, it will encourage and help others to do the same with the life and breath they have.
=========================

One phase ( a very long phase) is ending, and another phase is at the threshold. Having reached this far, I owe it to the grace and mercies of God that I am kept and preserved in mind and soul.

And especially over these last 2-3 months, I am grateful for genuine friends that have shown concern and and supported me in many ways knowingly/unknowingly. In acknowledgement, I owe much to

Mr soon, who in his rough and gruff ways understood that I cant take it to see to things at rv;

plee, ws, ld, vl, dc for being there as friends would, each helping in their own way, giving much of their time; My heartfelt appreciation.

and the constant assurance of care and warmth from kyc, sfl, ncl, chris tay, sy.

I know I am very fortunate to have so many genuine friends. One such friend is hard to find in life. To find so many sincere people, and many from nush, I truly am blessed.

Thank you very much.