last day of term and other matters

Personally, I am thankful I remained compose through the day. I dont know if it is because the continual medication has made me numb. Or that I have been so exhausted that I didnt reach that level of sentiments. Or that I am so weather beaten, I got use to goodbyes.

I did not allow myself to think about today at all. I kept my mind focused on one thing: dont upset anyone. I made the decision, I must walk it. I had wanted to tell them alot more especially toward the last few lessons. But I didnt. There was so much to cover and complete. More important to revise for their exams. There should be time. But there wasnt. No time. No energy.

The kids mean more to me than they realise. I can picture and see every single one in my mind's eye. I didnt need photos for remembrance. Throughout the times in class, I captured the way they listened, the way they wrote, the way we interacted in my mind. That was the way I 'took' their photos. I have alot to tell each one of them. I want to tell them to remember their strengths and be positive. I want to tell them to know their weakness and strengthen them. i want to tell them, pick yourself up when you fall. I want to tell them dont hurt people. I want to tell them, work hard, push boundaries, excel. And when you have done so, serve with your heart, not just your mind. I want to tell them, remember those much less than you. I want to tell them about noblesse oblige.

But there wasnt time. I cheerfully bid them goodbye and continually assure them, I am within reach anytime. I also realised at that moment, there was no need for goodbye speech. Not only is it not really appropriate when so many things are going on in school. I realised I have been saying all this in different forms throughout the year. And I realised, it is not that speech of the moment. It is the consistency throughout. I have done that. And so many of them have grown. So, suddenly, I felt all that I want to say, I have said it over the year. Those that would learn, will learn.

The short notes they wrote were enough. The girls were sweet. I hugged them. And I didnt cry. Not outwardly. For those who did, I remember it. Its only that moment. Their sadness will pass. I will be there for them when they need. Actually, I wished I had spent alot more time talking to each of them.

But, I must let go now. They will be fine. They have alot. And they are good kids. At least I dont have to worry about their welfare. For they are in good hands.

I will really miss them. Thankfully, year 6 would be leaving. I am glad to be witnessing their convo.
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I always like to talk to parents, sharing with them their concerns; hearing about the lives of their kids. Many meaningful conversations.

Being exhausted helped. I hope I wont feel the impact later. I still have not gone through the packing etc. I have to take a deep breath and hang on still.===================================================

i note when each move on from stage to stage, frame of thought changes, as would be expected. But it is strange how people would assume that others would then follow along their change.

I know values need to be taught, but there are some things that should be natural, in the conscience? I believe it is important to look after your loved ones in life. In death, remembrance is constant in the heart. Any other external means of expression, if shown, is accordance to one's regard/belief. What is done in life is the crux. Did you do your part to them in life?

When people reached a certain phase, they know end is nearer, and some made preparations for how the end rites/remains would be arranged. To each their own belief. But why pressed for issues to make arrangements according to what they feel is best for others as well? In life, they did not really know what mum wanted. Why made arrangements for changes to suit themselves? And by changing what mum had explicitly expressed in her will? Who knows best what she had wanted?

I have procrastinated this last matter to attend to since March. I was troubled by 'well-meaning' suggestion and had not been able to be clear what to do. I just felt there was something not quite in order, but yet couldnt explain. At least to them. So I didnt do anything. I did say recently I will settle the matter next week.

Receiving the message today helped me come to a firm decision. Further 'suggestions'.The suggestion sounded logical and noble. But at whose expense? If one really remembers mum, the last one should do, is to suggest alterations. If one really cares to be noble and considerate, then pay the price. No one needs to know.

There is a price to everything. It is just whether one needs to say what is the price. And whether one paid it. And if you really care, nothing is too much to pay.

I had wanted to settle things quietly. Why bring up issues? And if I agree to meeting for discussion, where would it lead?More 'suggestions'? Why should there be a discussion when her wish had been explicitly stated in the will? Using consideration of paying respects to mum and using S1 not so fortuitous circumstance as appeal had made it very difficult. Especially religious matter being involved. But their final suggestion helped me. I replied firmly. I finally knew what to do.

Mum is gone. I will follow her instructions with no add-ons. There is no room for negotiation. I will settle everything next week. The matter is closed. So it will be. But it doesnt mean, I dont mind all these manoevres. I mind. Alot. It hurts. And coming at this time, is not a good time. But, at whatever time, it is not good.

Didnt tell sk. No need for another person to be disturb. sk and me have the same mind. That is my greatest consolation. The instructions were given to me only. Actually, I am proud of the fact that mum's judgement of me was right, despite all our conflicts. I was the 'son' she wanted. She did not place her hopes in her sons. She knew my mind will be clear.

I remembered one of her last words to me, dont cry, it will make your mind confused, and you need to think clearly. I had replied, I didnt cry. Dont worry. I will think clearly. And I still have. I did not fail her. I will follow all that she wished. I didnt and wont let her down. its the least and the only thing I can do.

Leopard does not change its spots. To the end, the same disposition is shown. Those that would learn, will learn. Those that wont, wont. I harbour hopes for the best for people i shouldnt... This is my weakness.

The path is very alone.

But I am used to it.