where do i go from here?

November entered rather unceremoniously. For the past weeks, the focus is only on meeting one deadline after another, and not thinking beyond the immediate 24 hours. My only consolation is, in that space, i did not neglect people.

Just read the quote:

"Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people." ~ Albert Einstein

But it wasnt easy, and my temper was frayed. Sometimes I do wish I dont have that special insight that made me see through alot of things. And people. But I should look beyond....look at nobler goals. Whatever others are, one has to be true to oneself, and above all, to one's conscience.

To say, It hasnt been easy, is really an understatement. I actually said to my coursemate a few days ago, I think I am going to cry. She looked at me, quite bewildered cos I was still smiling. I told her, dont worry, I am joking. I can manage.

But actually, I really was going to cry. I would, if i allow myself to. But i didnt. There was so much to do, and I had to meet up with them for the group discussion for the presentation the next day. ( I realise group projects really require alot of responsibility and consideration to others which not all may have.) Thankfully, by then, the kids exam was just over. But my head was pounding furiously. I should have anticipated it, but I didnt. By the time I took painkiller, it was full blown. Ended up with pain through the night, 2 days mc... and plenty more painkillers...with forewarning of possible implications.... o well, not that anyone can do anything with the fragility of life....

At least i got the work that needed to be done, done, without hampering any party. And i didnt cry. maybe it would help if i did. I sometimes dont know how to show that I am feeling awful, when I really am feeling awful. The funny thing is, I have to say it before anyone knows, and even then, people kind of dont believe. Because I guess I come across as 'strong'? Forceful? Its true that i can block out emotions, and be very task oriented. Thats how i cleared one hurdle after another these past weeks. Is there a choice? Is there any point moaning about it, if it got to be done?

I know one thing, no matter how awful, I never want to neglect anyone in any way,....i really worry abt ky and ls... actually i dont know how to help anymore if things come to a crux for them.....

And at this moment, i guess its going to be my own work that will suffer... have cleared school work for now....ahead is an exam that I am far from being prepared, and an essay that i dont know how to start.... and after that, at least 20 reference letters.... I want to write them, because these are my kids....

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I guess the truth is, no matter how I try to block out, its going to be the time to pack and leave. Yes, its true that I initiated it. I will not say why. And yes, I am very sad. But, I still know its right. For me.

Would I come back? It depends on where i go from here....It depends on alot of things, includng the opportunity to....I must not lose sight of my goal.... everywhere one goes, one can do good.

at the moment, i feel lost and sad. Very. I will be nomadic for awhile....until i know where my root will be... And it will also depend on how much energy is left....

I should also spend more time for myself, taking walks, exercising, baking.... i havent done any of these since mum left. I guess i have been escaping from myself in packing up my time so tightly....its time to face myself....and a much weaker, older self.

I really must face up with myself......and find my direction, my sense of purpose...for this remaining brief sojourn left.

However down, one must learn to encourage oneself, and find inner strength. That is what is needed in adversity. I hope my kids will realise that. And if you can, believe in God.

"Truly, my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be greatly moved" Psalm 62:1-2