Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

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this is not the first time I wrote on this phrase. I had resolutely said in my 30s that I do not agree with this phrase; pain is just too painful. For that reason, I never considered having pets and was never persuaded despite my deep love for cats in particular. Actually, i love easily. I feel pain easily. I feel the pain of many easily. I have no control. It just feel it. Not for all. But for those that i have affinity with.

T and B were never my design. They change my perspective of this phrase. And yes, without regrets, I will say, whatever the grief and sorrow during loss, I will not exchange it for not having them.

B has been diagnosed with a rare nerve disorder, where she gets into seizure which takes place almost once daily. To say it has been very trying is an understatement. My nerves are very raw especially after she bit me a few times again past midnight on Monday, and this time worse than the previous 2 months ago. In total this is the third time since last december. I had to shut her into the room and could hear the commotion of her trying to get out and having a couple more seizure. Finally in the morning, she was calmed but uncertain. I could see her fear....of being abandoned.  I did what I can to alleviate her discomfort....and more importantly, make her feel loved and comfortable. I am trying to see things from a different angle...B has always not been the very strong, and making it to 12 years is really very good. I must see each day as a gain....and not worry about the loss that would come....

Dr N has been very supportive. She felt we should give Gabapentin a try before any final decision. And I felt I should respect her judgement. I started her on Gabapentin from Monday, and seemingly she was restful for two days....I agreed to give her reprieve in trying this out. Its so easy I realised to debate about euthanasia. I know every argument for it, and every reason is out of love. I am not impractical. But its deeply painful. Because B is more than a pet to me. She is one of the only two left in my life that resides deep within. T is the other. It is hard. Its really very very hard.

This morning, it all went awry again. And I could not be of much help as my right hand has not recovered full function. As it is, dr zh didnt really like to see the injury and has said, 长痛不如短痛。He didnt feel I should continue this way, but agreed to continue to prescribe for B, whilst I give Gabapentin a try. Dr N felt tcm had done her really good and should continue tog with Gaba.

I managed finally to bring her to dr N. She suggested leaving B with them a few days. Even that was hard. I know B will be frightened. But dr N felt I was in no frame and best have some rest. Also, she said, she is not insisting if I really feel its best to let B go. Whichever way is hard. Very very hard.

I just want to make sure that there is really no way out, and not because I cant cope. Since there is a possibility of Gaba working. sk has seen many seizures in the place where she is helping out. And they are kids.....i have alot of pity for their parents....its a lifetime....and no end in sight. She is therefore tougher about coping with it. Dr zh feels there is no possible cure, and all we can do is to keep making her dopey. I know that is not quality life. But at the moment, its not because I want to keep her alive. Its that I don't want to make the deliberate decision to end because of the trauma. Yesterday morning, when i sat next to her, she climbed onto my lap. She has been wanting to be in the same room as me these 2 days. I don't want to let her down.

I will have to drive down the vet later and bring her medication. I will leave her there for at least a day. Hopefully, i will get her back by Friday morning. And I guess that will be the last time she is going to the vet. Actually, i realised there is nothing they can do anymore apart from increasing the dosage and calming her down. If she continues into prolong seizures after that, it would have to be the end. I hope to arrange for it to be done at home.

I am recording this with much pain. This is the place that I have allowed grief to pour, in measure. Allow me to grieve. Allow me to cry. Allow me to feel the pain of the loss of this little creature who has cuddled in my arms, and cradled on my lap through 12 years.

I will make the hard decision when I have to. I never shunned what I need to do. Its just, I don't feel it is right now. Yes, its prolonging pain. But eliminating pain deliberately is not natural either. If it was a human life, it can't be so. As at this moment, I have not extended B's life artificially. If I made a decision to end it, when there is medication to relieve has yet to take effect, is that right? I now see why euthanasia should not be allowed for humans.

I have face issues of death with both dad and mum. In both cases, I was the decision maker. I was firm, but it was very painful. I need to be firm for the sake of everyone. I hope, for myself, the Lord will grant me grace to endure all the pain and discomfort when it comes to myself. I really pray for my own end, and hope I will have a clear mind to make decisions for myself.

I will pick up again from here. I must finished the amendments by today. I must rest. And then bring B back. I would like her to know she is with me, to the end.

I love my B. I really do. For her, and for T, yes, Tis better to have loved and lost....than never to have loved at all.

Lord, be merciful to me, and remember me. Truly, the goodness and mercies of the Lord endureth forever.