Painful Reflections....

Today, we buried mum...she is really finally gone...

Dont expect grief to be momentary....if it can go away like that....it cant be grief....and if it can go away like that....then where is the depth of humanity?

And with mum...it is not just grief of bereavement...just like the passing of dad...it is an inexplicable sorrow of a lifetime of complexities....mum's life is more complicated than those serialised drama...she must live a life of sorrow...though she has had her consolation with sk and myself....she had said the best that dad has given her was sk and myself...

mum is a person who can be described as larger than life...she really is...
Both mum and dad, to me are not ordinary....mum said I am like dad....dad said I am like mum....actually both were right...in character, personality, thought I am almost akin to dad...but temperamentally, i am like mum....thats why i understand her so well....but becos i reminded her of dad, i dont think she liked me sometimes.....



Dad loved mum immensely, and gave himself for her, in many many ways, it brought his downfall....mum was beautiful, and really even in death, she was beautiful, really beautiful to look at despite her age... Not the pagent kind of beauty...she had that special look, that made her special......she was someone you will look at again...how many times i was with her, and women we didnt know would say how did you keep your look for your age...yes, mum is beautiful....

she was witty and intelligent, but not educated....actually mum is a person full of contradictions....for her, dad made alot of sacrifice, too much, a cost he paid a lifetime....



Mum didnt really love dad. We all knew....but dad was a gentleman, and was the only one that was prepared to take on her 3 kids as his own....mum was barely 23, with 4 kids...she gave one away....in those days....life itself is a drama....and many sad drama....dad really was a gentleman, .....and he brought stability to her turbulent life, but not within herself....unable to reconcile conflicts, she smoked and drank....


Inevitably in her death, we have to face the past....our ties with one another are tenuous.....it was sad when B1 said to me 2 days ago that dad had told him, he regretted what he took on .......i wish B1 didnt tell me that....

i feel bad when I see st. Actually i am more like her.... I am really very much more dad, and hence has a strong affinity with st. She would still call me her sister, but i couldnt call her the same. I would say she is my father's daughter, and yes his favourite daugher.....

Over a lifetime, despite what I really wanted, i did all i could to keep all together....that was what mum wanted, B1, B2, S1 are all her children...... in this, I succeeded up to this point.... it may not sustained anymore because there is really no more motivation to do so.... mum is gone. She cant be hurt anymore....and I dont want to take anymore hurt either.... Not anymore. For the next generation sake, my nephews and nieces. I kept peace, and bore everything...I am still the more blessed because I am the one that can give.....

People can glibly say let the past be past....not when it is in the blood....u cant for instance bear a child, and say a child does not exist, let the past be the past. U cant for instance stabbed someone and say let the past be past...the wound, the scar is there...

But death should cause all to be buried.....

I faced the terrible pain of missing her presence everywhere....whether i go to food court, whether I go to cold storage, market, gwc....it was with her, for her....and now i am alone....i really really did alot for her .....i wished she told me what i mean to her....but she wont....she kept many things within herself....i know she felt very bad toward me...but i never showed that i remembered a thing... i know charity never faileth...and i know she knew i really cared for her.

I faced the inexplicable grief that I feel for her life.....toward the end, in her confusion....the persons she called out for, we never knew who they were...as sk said, she had many secrets that she took with her....B2 said he wanted to know about his father....why didnt he ask when he could, B2 by now is 56, why didnt he ask? his father died when he was a baby, so why bring this up now?....yet i think the reason why she never said was becos there wasnt much good to be said....i pitied B2, but i really want very little to do with him....if not nothing at all...

i will never understand why in the end, she never returned to river valley. She couldnt stay away. All along, she wont stay a night away at sk or B2 place...she must return to rv. Then why did she never returned back from nov 30? It was like she knew, she was going, and she bade her goodbye....

was it for me, that she wont die at rv?

was it becos of dad, becos she didnt want him to die at rv?

was it becos it held too many bad memories?

was it to give me time to adjust to her absence? It did helped...the habit of going there for dinner was broken, and it did help me to some extent....

or was it becos sk was always her favourite, who is most like her, in looks and personality, and she wanted to be with her? She would tell sk alot of things she cant bring herself to tell me....

whatever mum did, there was a reason. in this i am very like her. i didnt want to ask her becos i didnt want to upset her. I went nightly to sk's place and told her i didnt mind, and enjoyed being there etc, and she was glad and asked me to move nearer to sk.

In fact she didnt think she would go so soon, she asked me to get a place for both of us to stay near sk...she did hope to get well, and lived with me....i knew she always wanted me to move back to live with her....i know i made her feel secure....she has alot of insecurity despite her front...but i didnt want to get into debt with another mortgage...i am really very tired, she forgot i am getting old too...but i said to her, i will... And she was happy about that. Sk wants that too....i dont know what i want...

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i have to wait for time to help ease this passage of darkness....i dont want to live in the past...but there are alot of unsettled affairs....i dont know how things will be...

i do take heed to the simple words the kids wrote in the card...one said, the silver lining is coming; another said look forward to the future...yes, i will....

you can now understand why i spend long hours at work....at least work is 'normalcy'. I know little of normality in my life....but that was why i perceive, i understand....

today, i msged mdm f, and will meet her tmr, and accompany her for her blood test. she has had 2 bouts of chemo....having seen mum in such pain and anguish in her illness...i realise how important it is to have support and encouragement to the very ill...

i will also start again my music lesson in march....

I will move forward....i want to move forward....though really this is the declining phase of life for me too...i will move forward, and take the path less trodden....

give me time to recover from this phase of grief....however strong, we are all frail...

Truly the Lord alone is good. And his mercies alone endureth forever.....