waiting....

This is written in hospital....in the silence of the night....waiting....

23 hours ago, a panic call from sk, at 2+am....i told myself best to drive down...have been driving zl's kia cerato....when i reach, the mobile doc was in, and scenario was bad...another of those decision...mum was shouting in pain...she has been doing that...this is probably the third panic call.....

decision either to sustain her which would mean sending her to hospital and going thru another battery of tests to see which part of her is malfunctioning and supplementing whatever lacking...meantime she suffers on....

or to decide for palliative ie sedate her and let her go gradually...depending on her, it could be a few hour, it could be a few days or more....

my stand is firm. mum has said to me last monday when a panic call, I dropped everything in school and rushed back....she said, dont save me, dont prolong my suffering.....and another time, she said to me, I am in great pain....and i said to her, i am sorry, i didnt do it deliberately, we have to try to help you....and she said, i understand...that made me feel worse....

we didnt quite agree what to do......and it was tense....then i gave in, cos i saw sk was cracking point....whatever, we sent her back to mt e....

as to doctors...i will have quite abit to say anr time....

she was in pain and anguish, and it was terrible to see...until abt 6, the painkiller took some effect. To get everyone back, i suggested dinner...i wanted to come back later....but at dinner, hospital rang, mum's bp has dropped....and it has since dropped to 50/30.....a machine to monitor her heart rate is now attached, so that they know when she is no longer here....

i had earlier persuaded sk to go back...now bil, she and zg should be on the way.

it is all so unreal...but this is not the first time...it was far far worse with dad. I was really, really alone. Now there is zl, B1 and J1, J2 are here also....at that time 11 years ago, i can still remember that nite, the last nite with dad....since then I wanted to write cos there was so much to say that was all unsaid...

like that time, i also didnt cry....for some strange reason, i still remain one of the calmest, and have discussed with bil what to do ahead.....

now, all we are doing is waiting.....

and whilst waiting, i am writing this......

and gerlynn, i reali wanted to go today esp becos i saw u write in your blog Ms sie is coming! as if it mattered! so i reali wanted to go....but it is not to be.....