a week passed....

yes, i managed to pass thru the week.... had worried how to start at school .... but as usual, just got on with it...

i had thought if i was going back to teach 403, it may be easier.... actually i realised it was good that i wasnt teaching them.... i think it would have been difficult to hold back what i felt.... dun think i want to show it in school.... thanks for saying hi to me whenever u see me.... i know its your way of telling me u care....

i can talk factually, but i cant say how i feel inside... a few concerned colleagues came and enquired... i just look at them, and didnt say a word.... how to say, there is alot of pain, alot. and emptiness.... but even if i said it... honestly they wont understand ....there had been some incidents the past few days .... i was thinking it shows alot in human nature .... ultimately there are very very few that truly cares... not that it matters, cos actually i saw through most of the time ....

i wake at 4+ on weekdays, get to sch by 5+...that is the best time....quietude....by afternoon, late afternoon, i get really tired....then get back, and it is easier to fall asleep without help by 11 or so...

fll emailed me, asking how is my mum, and that she has been thinking of me... i told her.... she is one of the few that would understand cos she is also on her own.... she has shared with me in dec how she felt when her father left 2 years ago.... she said, work helps..... yes, it does .... i know some day the crack is going to come.... but for the moment work helps....

ps msged me during the week. I didnt know she is back in spore. she went last year to complete her masters in uk. then she told me her bio dad died last month. ps has quite a traumatic background...bio dad was a gambler, mum left with her and divorced and finally settled down with step dad. 2 years ago, she was at uk to do her masters, both bio and step dad had cancer. she did not complete and came back...

becos she was in bereavement also, i agreed to see her yesterday evening for dinner at my place... she is also a cat person... she was a young literature teacher from one of my earlier school, and well she got on ok with me and kept in touch....

u can see the diff between a lit person and a math person tho both of us are trained eng teacher. she was alot more articulate in feelings and description.... and told me in fair details the last few days of her bio dad... she actually imitated the sound of the difficulty in breathing.... i guess it was a way out of expression.... but actually it was not what i wanted to hear....

when she finally finished her narration, then she asked me for what happened to my mum. This was the second time yesterday that i said, i dont want to talk about it. In sch yesterday, someone was telling me her family woes, which is quite distressing for her. Then after that she asked so how are u adjusting? my reply was, lets change the subject.

These are young people, and have their own set of troubles... i have been through them... not that i was as expressive about them... and even if i said anything.... i am sure they would be quick to give some reply which they think would be of comfort when really it wouldnt be....

when i was quiet, ps said i can take consolation in the fact that she went thru seeing it over 2 years and was really traumatised, and mine was short. people dont understand, long or short, is no consolation. Consolation perhaps for the person who is ill and suffering... but not for those who feel the loss... but no point saying it. i didnt say anything. u got to know my mum's life, my childhood, my life to empathise how i feel.... but is there any point saying it?

then she went on to relate her relationship problem.... i guess this was the reason why she had messaged me to catch up with me last week. otherwise usually we meet tog with el to catch up....

el is my generation, and tho very fortunate in life...also was a lit teacher, now a senior administrator.... she had more empathy and has been a quiet friend for the past nearly 20 years...

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there is alot of things to do... at work....

at 'home' front.... yes i arrange every fri to take dinner at sk place with S1 so that there is some sort of regular 'family' connect to take care of both S1 and sk. there is still how to settle sulis long run, tho at present i am keeping her to help me adjust...also there is mum's place to clear....

then there is mdm f... she has been told (I thought rather brutally) that she has reached 4th stage and at the moment doing anr dose of chemo to see how to mitigate...otherwise... i am beginning to detest medical sciences... i just feel medicine is not meant to 'predict' like that... anyway i keep my mind on the Scriptures in this regard...

she looked abit tired, otherwise really she didnt look like a 'dying' person... we went out for breakfast then to take blood test, then lunch last sat....

i want to walk this stretch with her.... but need to build up inner strength to do so.... i really dont know what to say to a person who is told she is dying .... she is just 61... and really a remarkable lady in her own way... she told me she is just resigned to it... i do encourage her, but not with empty words....

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if u look around u, everyone is living...everyone is dying...living a day whilst there is breath...dying whilst one more day is gone....

it is how we live...how we move one with purpose that makes our life live or die....

whilst young, be happy, enjoy life.... but dont squander it away.....