waiting for time....

It hasnt been easy to update. Not just because of time factor. ...

The spirit is so low; the wound so painful; the memories so poignant; the anguish so unbearable....the past reverberates again and again thru the mind and soul.... i miss mum very much....very very much....

Headaches have been awful...painkillers just acted like red traffic light... then the pounding persist thru the day, thru the nites....

last week i dreamt of mum...i was with her trying to get her up a slope to the hospital, there was no ramp for the wheelchair, I tried to support her up, then she said she felt really unwell and terrible, and then she vomitted blood...it was awful...I woke up in much distress and had to keep telling myself, she is gone. Mum is gone. I cant do anything anymore to help her...

Everyday as I parked outside her apt, I tell myself, she is gone, really gone. I dont know how long its going to take for me to get through this tunnel.... there had been some unpleasant situation with S1 and B2...they wanted to see the will...I dont understand why...I already told them the content...I just want to have time, to recover. I cant stand moving her things. Its just too final. I need time... I dont know we all feel differently... I am holding off till 100 days...i really hope I pick up by then...i dont understand them...and dont want to...

Met mdm f for breakfast this morning....she has had her 6th chemo... 2 more to go.... I hope she fights on tho it is a losing battle... I dont know what to say to her sometimes... she told me apart from her family members, she only told 2 persons of her relapse. I was one of them. all the more I need to stand by her at this time .... i feel very sad. very.

The good thing abt going to sch is u see life. Young lifes. It helps. And it does keep the mind occupied. Tho too occupied, its hard to work thru that pounding on the head...sch is the only place I dont associate with mum....otherwise everywhere I go, the remembrance floods the mind...

There is suppose to be a one week break...but as all know, what break? Its too short to clear the mountain of work...but life must move on....I need to find my direction vector....

time to count blessings.... ky back with me is a big consolation. She is really very considerate and understands my moods well. She is truly a balm on the soul. ld asked me out for dinner today. am glad cos things hadnt been ok btw us... he looked better and more in control... i was glad of the effort he is trying to make... not that he need to cos i do understand its really a tough time for him...

i must look up...count all my blessings...and move on...they say time heals... but time takes its own time... i must be patient...if experience werent on my side, i truly would have despair...

I am conscious of my responsibility to those who take the trouble to visit me here... i do want to write happier things, things that encourage others... but this is a time of pain... give me time to grieve, time to bear the pain... give time for the wound to heal....mum is really gone... and i really miss her...

i am waiting patiently for time....to mitigate...to ease....time....